ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ/ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ | too bad, so sad

[sylphystia]

Who: Dezel and you
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Crowley's bar or the Huntress, whichever you prefer.
When: Now

[audio]

[Someone is definitely growling. You'd think he was a dog, but then he seems to form words. Every consonant sounds like a knife against stone.]

I'm staying away from the planet for a while. If anyone needs me—

[He hesitates.]

—too bad. [And he hangs up.]


[action]

[Despite his grumpy broadcast, Dezel can be found in certain places. One of them is Crowley's bar. He's invisible, but that doesn't stop him from cleaning glasses and making tiny, pretentious food. If you can't see him, it's like some invisible Christmas elf keeps leaving tarts everywhere.

Alternatively, he can be seen (or not seen) sulking in the Huntress' cargo bay, sitting on some boxes beside a window. In his lap is a fuzzy happy little slug that he strokes with due diligence.]

[ooc: If you're meeting Dezel in person and haven't done so, please fill out his seraph permissions!]

Comments

[airily]

[ Dezel might think he's the only one that needs this, but he'd be wrong - he's not alone in the desperate feeling, the way that it all builds up inside of Zaveid like an explosion waiting to happen. He's on the brink of losing his mind completely, he thinks, and his self-given isolation has been shattered around him - and, oh, how funny is it that it's losing Dezel that made him give up that? That made him step forward and work forward for a better future? To break his own laughing promise of never becoming a Sub Lord?

There was a gap to be filled and he filled it. There's no gap anymore, and no more promises to keep, and Zaveid feels it like a burn in his chest. He feels the whiplash of knowing he doesn't quite belong, doesn't really fit in - Sorey-and-Mikleo, Rose-and-Dezel. Those were the pairs and he had seen it, understood it as he journeyed with them, even if what Dezel had done had been somewhat hideous in the eyes of some seraphim. He understands it all because if he could use the same power to save Eizen he'd have done it a thousand times over.

But he hadn't saved Eizen. He hadn't saved Dezel. He might not even be able to help Maotelus. The failure weighs down on him like rock and he can't handle it, not when he's coming so close to snapping and falling apart already.

What he needs is for someone to anchor him. He's the wind; he could float away if he wasn't careful, lose himself in the mindlessness of chasing and ending hellions, avoiding his promises and his responsibilities as easily as he had been doing since he lost Eizen to malevolence. Sorey was his anchor, his vessel, but now he feels it all unravelling around him, his hands shaking before he twists and curls his fingers into clenched fists, forcing himself to stand tall, to be strong.

The arte comes and Zaveid doesn't bother trying to repel or dodge it - it's big, and dangerous, and he has to adjust his weight and shift to bring his own arte forward just to try and stop it blowing him off his feet. It doesn't quite work, of course, and that's partly because he doesn't have the energy, the will, to stand up to the onslaught - not when Dezel shouts what he already knows and Zaveid can't handle it anymore.

It blows him off his feet and he goes crashing into the ground, hat tumbling off his head and body aching as his skin scrapes against the landscape under him. His voice, when he speaks, is a wince. ]

Yeah, I guess I can see that now.

[ He's aching and hurting but it's nothing compared to what he knows is buried deep inside of his chest, where his heart is hurting most, and as he pushes himself to his feet he brushes dirt from his arms, trying to shrug it all off. ]

Round one goes to you.

[sylphystia]

[The wind touches Dezel's ears and whispers that Zaveid is breaking, and he isn't sure how to handle this news. Why is Zaveid so caught up in this? What the hell does he want Dezel to remember? And then the idiot takes the spell practically head-on; Dezel's surprised to see him go flying, hat and limbs akimbo.

Zaveid should be given space, he should be allowed to stand up without incident, but Dezel is still riding the wave of pain and confusion. He zips forward and tries to grab Zaveid by the necklace in order to haul him up. Dezel isn't sure what he wants from this fight anymore but yelling seems to help so he'll do just that.]

What is it you want me to remember? Why does it matter so much to you?!

[His lips pull back, exposing sharp teeth.]

If I did something to you, then say it! Stop dodging around it and hit me back!

[airily]

[ He's tugged up, but Dezel is right - Zaveid isn't going to give in that easily. He's hurting, physically and mentally, but that doesn't mean he's going to shrug it off; Dezel can shout and scream and give him all the abuse in the world, but he can be stronger. He can be better. He has to be, otherwise the two of them are never going to be able to work through this - and he wants them to work through this, he wants them to be okay. He's desperate for it now, especially after the loss of Eizen, and it spurs him forward.

He wants to snap and break, and it's coming so close. He could rip into Dezel, end up violent and dangerous, but he doesn't. Instead, he summons the wind and shifts, pushing him forward, using the strength of it to try and drag Dezel down - but even then his words come, hoarse and a little breathless, his teeth clenching when he's done. ]

I want you to remember me, damnit!

[ And there it is. It comes out like a violent riptide of emotion, and he steps back with shaken legs. Bowing his head, Zaveid feels weak, feels desperate - and it's all crowding around inside of him, the wind whipping around his body before he forces himself to calm down. Tilting his head back, he closes his eyes, forces himself to find some kind of centre, some kind of calm, something to keep him together. ]

I was too late to get to you before, and now...

[ He can't look over. He wants it to hurt, he wants to fall flat on his back and have violence pushed onto him again, because it's a hell of a lot easier than this. He's surprised it came out so quickly, but he smothers it with a huff and a lift of his shoulder, looking over at Dezel with a faux grin, trying to play it off. ]

Round two to me!

[ And then there's a barrage of artes heading right at Dezel, desperately trying to get the other seraph on the ground. ]

[sylphystia]

What?

[Dezel is prepared for Zaveid to fight back, or at least he tells himself that, but the truth is that the weight of the wind is so heavy that he can't help bowing against the pressure. Zaveid's power is like a storm rolling off a mountain, and though Dezel is a sapling with some flexibility, he can't help but be forced to his knees.

He tries to shake it off and get back to his feet, but Zaveid's words have struck him harder than any physical punch could. He doesn't understand. It doesn't make sense. Remember him? He lets out a shaky breath and lifts his head. Something about-- about Zaveid standing in front of him, so tall, it--

The artes roar as they bear down on him. Dezel is just a little too slow to get out of the way. He almost manages but the whips hit him regardless, and he goes down hard with his face in the dirt. It's his turn for his hat to pop off. Poor Lafarga's hat never had anything to do with this.]

You... [It's mumbled towards the ground, and he takes a moment to spit. There's only blood because he bit the inside of his cheek and not because he lost a tooth or anything. He pushes himself up off the ground. His vision is swimming, too; he's not having a good time at all.

Dezel's eyes flash. He cries out in anguish and rage and desperation and punches the ground. Spectral chains shoot out of the rocks, trying to wrap around Zaveid. Dezel lacks the follow-through, though; he remains where he is, panting and trying to figure out why his throat is tight and his eyes itch. He never wanted this. He never wanted this. He never wanted this. He never--]

[airily]

[ The shout comes and whips through him, far harsher than the wind could ever be. He knows how it is to be a seraph; he knows what it means to give up parts of yourself to become better, stronger. Dezel gave up memories to make himself a better, stronger man and he can see it - he saw it as he travelled with the Shepherd, saw it in those final moments when he had lounged outside, thinking that nothing too bad could happen from him giving his gun up.

More fool him, right?

If he had never given over the gun maybe Dezel would still be alive. Maybe he'd have been able to use the last bullet to save Eizen - maybe he could have ripped the malevolence away from the dragon and saved his friend. But it hadn't gone that way, had it? He hadn't thought - he had wanted a way to hide from his promises, to try and find another path, and he had failed. His failure had taken so much from him; he had lost Eizen, lost Dezel, could lose so much more in the blink of an eye if they didn't manage to find and help Maotelus - if what the old man had told them was true he could even lose himself.

That was the price he had to pay for his choices, and for once? He was okay with that.

Shifting, Zaveid holds himself steady, letting the wind whip his hair around his face and shoulders; it's violent and deadly, just like Dezel himself, but Zaveid embraces it. It makes him feel as though thousands of little pinpricks are erupting over his skin, trying to force him into submission, but he can't do anything to fight back, not anymore. He doesn't think he has the energy, even as he grits his teeth and forces himself to stand true - Dezel might be younger, weaker, but his anger gives him strength that Zaveid can't bear to match, not right now. It's agony, pure and simple, and he feels like he wants to cry.

(Maybe he does; he's not sure, not with the wind dragging everything away).

The chains wrap around him and Zaveid crumples for a moment, completely lost; he lets the chains wrap around him and he doesn't fight back. Instead, he lifts his head and he stares at Dezel, teeth clenched and expression hard. It's just as difficult to speak as it is to move, but he manages it. ]

Goddamnit, you don't remember anything, that's fine, just let me go!

[sylphystia]

[Dezel is aware of Zaveid struggling against the chains. He could end it here, but the truth is that neither of them want to do it. He lets out a shaky breath and releases the chains. His breath comes in uneven spurts, compounded by the pain in his head and the anxiety twisting itself inside of him like some kind of monster. Just a few weeks ago, Mikleo had told Dezel that he mattered, that he was cared for, that he was irreplaceable. How ironic that his replacement would show up so soon afterward.

The rough stones dig into his gloves and hurt his palms. Pendulums are a traditional tool of divination, but Dezel has never been able to tell anything good about his own future. He had no great destiny. He was only meant to be a footnote in the stories about Shepherd Sorey, barely worth mentioning at all.

He knows why he can't remember. He just wants to know what it is. Dezel dwells on the past much more than he should, even though he doesn't have one. He's a man without a past, without a future. All he has is right now, and he realizes that isn't what Zaveid wants. Zaveid wants him to remember something that is simply gone, erased with the rest of the person that Dezel was. Gone like his sight.

He's never regretted his wounds until now.

Still struggling to keep himself upright, the words fall out of his mouth before he can stop them.] I'm-- sorry. [His words would be easy to miss if the wind didn't carry them right to Zaveid's ears.] I can't do it.

[Quiet and resigned, he sounds so much younger.]

I'm empty.

[airily]

[ Pain burns through him, and it feels like an explosion - it's not just the outside marks, the things that stagger him and leaving him aching and hurting, it's everything. It's Dezel's voice, the way he handles himself, the way he moves and speaks, and Zaveid can't do it anymore. He can't be here and he can't watch this happen, knowing that it's never going to be the way that it was. Dezel has lost so many of his memories now and getting them back is an impossibility - a true Seraphim trade.

It doesn't mean he hadn't hoped. It doesn't mean he hadn't wanted, so much, so desperately...

He drops down to one knee, breathing out a hard, broken noise as he tries to come to terms with all of his emotions, the way that his entire body seems to ache and burn. He wants to run away but he can't, not right now, not when they've come so far, and Zaveid might run from a fight when he knows he's losing, when his job is done, but he can't run from this. He can't abandon Dezel again - he can't leave him like he had before, right before Pendrago, right before Symonne - before everything. The idea of it makes him feel sick.

Slowly, he pushes himself to his feet, his body aching from being hit by artes and from using up his own strength. Oh, he could have fought for longer, but the energy, the emotion - it wipes you out before you've had a chance to do anything.

He takes a step forward and then pauses, hesitating for a moment, before he bows his head. ]

I should know that, huh? Kicking at something 'till it breaks isn't going to bring back what's gone.

[ If only it did. He moves closer, leaning down and offering his hand, still wary, still sad, but - trying. He's trying, and it's whiplash and painful and he doesn't want this, to realise he's truly lost Dezel, just like he's lost Eizen. It's like giving up, and he doesn't have the strength. He's not strong enough to lose this much and keep going, but he has to be. He has to be for Sorey's sake, for Mikleo, for Lailah and especially for Edna, who shares his pain. ]

You can fill yourself up again. That Shepherd... He's gonna need you here to make sure he doesn't lose his head.

[sylphystia]

[The fight is over at this point and no one won. That's what it feels like. Both of them lost something, and they're both a little bloodied and broken, and Dezel can't seem to bring himself back to his feet. He trembles from the stress of propping himself up for so long; the tang of blood still sits on his tongue, reminding him that he's still alive.

He's vaguely aware of Zaveid standing over him. If Zaveid decided he wanted to change the rules and kill him here, he absolutely could. But there's no malevolence coming from Zaveid. There never was. The only monster here is Dezel himself. He keeps his head down, streaked with dirt and sweat and a little blood, but the wind tells him of Zaveid's offered hand.]

... Don't be stupid. Sorey needs both of us. He's a lost cause, you know that.

[He isn't sure when he reached out and took it, but Zaveid's hand feels awful familiar. Dezel keeps staring at it as if he can actually see it, and he's forgotten to let go.]

[airily]

[ Was there ever going to be a winner, really? Zaveid doesn't think so, but he knows they had to get this out of their system. They had to use it all up, had to make sure it all exploded out of them before someone else got dragged in, and it's better to do it now rather than later. Sure, he's sore and pretty peeved off, but he understands that it might have been necessary. He might even be able to handle using Sorey as a vessel again, in time.

Sorey had already told him they were both still connected to him; it's not as simple as just accepting it, though, not for Zaveid. He knows he was just a replacement for what they'd lost and he'd accepted that, but... It's harder to face now that they're actually standing together, using their power to batter and bruise one another. It's not as simple as some idle thought in the back of his mind - it's real, and obvious, and right there in front of him. ]

Tsk, you're right. He'll end up walking off a cliff if we're not there to check on him.

[ He tugs on Dezel's hand, holding him in place, and he doesn't let go either. He keeps his hand in place, his eyes flickering down to where they're connected before he breathes out and relaxes. Yeah, this is okay, he thinks - he can work with this. It isn't the same as what he's lost, but it might turn out to be something just as good - or something better. ]

[sylphystia]

[This is yet another fight that Dezel went into with no hope of winning. This time he's managed to escape with his life, but he knows more than anyone else just how bad it could be. In the end, they both screamed at each other and pulled their very last punches. He hopes Sorey realizes that. He's not about to go tell him.

He huffs in agreement or maybe exhaustion-- hard to tell-- and he's still stuck staring at this hand. Zaveid wants his hand back if the tugging is any indication.]

I think... [His voice is quiet, his words slow and deliberate, like he's speaking for the first time in years.] ... I think I remember this...?

[He lets go suddenly, feeling a bit diffident about the whole thing, and turns away a little.] That doesn't make sense. Never mind.

[airily]

[ It's not as if Zaveid had ever intended to come out a victor either, he thinks; he had known that this wouldn't end in a success for himself or Dezel - it was only ever going to end in heartache and disappointment. It was only ever going to be pain, and suffering, and wearing down what was left of his strength, and now... Now he can't do anything but try and keep his head held up, trying and pretend that he's the strong one when all he wants to do is fall apart.

He doesn't want to let go of the hand in his, doesn't want to feel the leather slip away, but he knows he has to let it fall; he has to give in. He can't keep Dezel forever, can't force him to relearn what he's forgotten.

But then, oh, then, he speaks. I remember this - and the spark of hope bursts to life inside of him again, reigniting a fire that had burned low at the loss of Eizen. There's hope, then, for the future, for what might come here on the fleet, and Zaveid stares before he shakes his head. ]

I won't hold it against you, don't worry.

[sylphystia]

[He's not sure why he said that in the first place. It's pretty clear that Zaveid and Dezel knew each other before, but Dezel can't remember, and now that he knows that he feels obligated to... to smooth it over somehow. It's the truth, though. He can almost remember, but not quite, and he's not sure how to express this. He's never been good at social things.

Of course Zaveid won't hold it against him. He hasn't held any of it against him, even when Dezel screamed that he didn't know anything and tried to whip his head off. Even so, it's a small comfort. Dezel has been judged for so many things, mostly by himself, that he doesn't know how to put those worries aside.

He adjusts his gloves, still remembering the warmth and trying to ignore the nagging feeling that he is forgetting something. Yes, he knows. That's the whole point.]

... I remembered some things when I fought the girl, [he murmurs.] I remembered that it was my fault. [He doesn't dwell on this right now and he doesn't want to talk about it, so he moves on.] A lot of things are probably lost forever, but if it's really as important as you say, then it'll come back to me.

[airily]

[ There are, now, a thousand things Zaveid could say. He could make arguments that it wasn't Dezel's fault, that there must have been something else, but he doesn't actually know what happened - he wasn't there to understand the memories, he hadn't been there until after, when it was too late. He had failed, and he was paying the price for it now, standing before someone he recognised and being faced with the fact that he didn't exist in his world. It was hard, but, hey, he'd dealt with worse, right? He could tough this out.

There's just nothing he can say that will make this better. There's nothing he can do that can fix the broken bridge between the two of them, and he breathes out a heavy noise. This has gone better and worse than he had imagined, and he takes a step away, bending down to pick up his version of the hat and shove it back on his head - maybe he'd abandon it, in time, to let Dezel keep the memento. He's just not ready for that yet.

His body hurts. He's aching from the wind and the ground battering at him, and he knows he's going to be avoiding Sorey and Mikleo for a while until he's feeling better - but he's happier than he was. ]

Then they'll come back. It's my bad for trying to make it happen, I guess. [ He huffs, shaking his head, arms lifted. ] Sometimes you gotta stop yourself from getting carried away!

[sylphystia]

[Dezel is feeling it, too. He's probably going to take a day-long nap in the spartan room he has claimed for his own. Avoiding Sorey and Mikleo will be difficult, seeing as he's on the ship with them, but they're generally pretty good about giving him space. Sora, too... though Sora is probably the one who needs it the most.

He dusts the dirt off his own hat and dumps it back onto his head. Dezel looks like hell and he's sure someone will notice sooner or later-- not that he cares.]

All you did was give me a headache. [He says it dryly, but he is absolutely serious.] I've been trying to remember for a couple days. All I remember is why I stopped forcing myself.

[At least he still knows Lafarga's face, and when he stepped in to save Rose as a little girl. There's just one important person left.

He covers his hat with his hand.]

... I won't tell Sorey about this if you don't.

[Bargaining is the third stage of grief.]

[airily]

[ Zaveid is lucky that no one knows him on his ship, and he doubts anyone is going to come looking for him - if they can even see him, which is just as unlikely. He's going to be able to get holed up and hidden away without too much fuss and without worrying about someone bugging him about his wounds, which is a good thing. Dezel might not have the same luck, considering he's nesting with the Shepherd himself - yeah, he's heard all the gossip already.

He shakes his head all the same, crossing his arms behind his neck and trying to appear nonplussed, as if he doesn't care a lick about the fight they just had, battering each other and whipping one another with wind and artes and emotions. He does, of course, and it's going to sting for a while, but it's a step forward as much as anything else.

Listening, though, is easy, and he tilts his head, watching. ] You got off easy if it's just a headache.

[ But, aha. Zaveid's not an idiot, and he knows Sorey will find out one way or another - either Mikleo will find out and tell on them, or he'll check on them and dig the truth up. It's what he does.

So, instead of agreeing; ]

I'm not gonna lie to him.

[sylphystia]

[Yeah. Despite beating the snot out of each other, this is a step forward. It's better that they didn't get anyone else involved, too; Dezel is sure he would've acted differently if they had a witness.]

You think?

[It's a pretty bad headache, all things considered, but it does lessen when he stops trying to grasp what lies just out of his reach. But then again, maybe Zaveid has had experience with this kind of thing. He's older than he acts, something Dezel gleaned from Lailah and Edna's hints.

Zaveid has a point though. No one wants to lie to Sorey, especially when Dezel's tried so hard to get it through his head that his dying wasn't Sorey's fault. Straight up lying to his face won't fix anything. It'll only make both of them feel worse. Dezel understands that, too; for all his gruffness, he does try to be honest. His way of escaping is less about white lies and more about just not saying anything ever.

He lets out a little sigh.]

... Yeah. [Everyone's gonna be mad. Now that his emotions have boiled down some, he's not looking forward to Mikleo's stern lecture or Sorey's sad puppy eyes. God.] I'm not going to fight you anymore. That should be enough for them.

[airily]

[ They've done what they needed to do and, for now, that's what works. Sure, it ended up with Zaveid having his fair share of bumps and bruises, but who cares about that? He's a Seraph, he can walk it off - and it stops him from having to worry too much about getting himself into more trouble later on. Knowing his luck that's coming anyway. ]

You're not the only one that's gonna be nursing their wounds tonight.

[ His body is sore, and he's got a handful of scrapes and bruises up and down his back and, yeah, it's going to suck later, but right now? Zaveid is actually happy. He's content, and he can feel it brimming through his body. He and Dezel might have come to blows, but he'd gotten through in the end. He'd managed to keep himself - mostly - in check, and now there was a sparkle of hope.

Somewhere, Sorey would be proud of him.

Shoving his hands into the sides of his trousers, he shrugs an absent shoulder. ] No, I'm not planning on fighting you either. Once was enough for both of us - and more than enough for his Shepherdness.

[sylphystia]

[They're both going to catch hell for this. There's no doubt.]

... Yeah. [A pause. He adjusts his jacket, which is torn in places. It'll be all right. He can mend it on this planet, no problem.] Didn't think I could hit you. [That's... about as close to an apology as he'll give. He doesn't want to say sorry for something they both desperately needed, but Zaveid probably didn't deserve to get hit as hard as he did.

-- Nah, he totally deserved it.

Dezel is aware of Zaveid's happiness, but he can't bring himself to feel it. He has a lot to think about. A lot to work on. There's some relief that they won't have to scratch and bite at each other for space anymore, but he still can't shake this bad feeling. He tucks the brim of his hat down lower and turns away.]

I'd better head back.

[airily]

[ All he can think is that it's a good thing the ladies aren't here. ]

You're stronger than you think you are, Dezel. [ Neither of them are going to apologise for something they both needed to get out of their systems, and while it isn't easy - well. It was necessary. It had to happen, otherwise they'd lose themselves somehow and end up taking Sorey down with them, and he didn't deserve that.

Zaveid might, but Sorey didn't.

Pulling himself together, Zaveid nods his head before he shifts, turning his gaze back over towards where the fleet has landed, trying to appear a little more carefree than he actually is. ]

I'll see you around.