driftfleet | mk.05 (text)

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mk.05 (text)

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, anyone else!
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: his bunk, the Vanquish
When: this afternoon

Need advice for when one's body is trying to kill oneself

[Shipmates may notice how he hasn't left his bunk but a couple of times in the entirety of this past week. This means he's been of no use as an engineer, which is bad news considering this mysterious bug business. Even without that, he should at least be tending to the ship's overhead lights, which have been flickering on occasion... (The particularly astute might note that this seems to coincide with the muffled sounds of what could be... sneezes?)

But, alas, he is dying. He's pretty sure of it.]

(augment glitch = baby's first flu!)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have no right to ask anything of you. I know that. But I'm asking anyway.

Please take care of him.

Also, 2nd option

You dumbass, you're not going to die. Don't be so dramatic.

Take care of him anyway. Even if I live forever. That's all.

What's the matter with you?

[He doesn't want to say it, not to her of all people, the winner, the victor, the only tether he has left to Shinji — if this ends, everything else ends. He's also shocked if Shinji didn't tell her himself. He'd figured there'd be no shortage of things to say — Nagisa is terrible. The worst. I can't stand him. I never want to see him again. I never want to hear about him. Let's forget all of it. Asuka, I only want to stay with you, and you're the only person who can make me happy. Kaworu had been certain that all of those things had already been stated.]

He doesn't want to see me and I can't do anything. So I'm asking you to do it. It's selfish but it's all I have left.

You've been around him this long and you're still so stupid.

None of that's true.

[No. For once in his stupid life, his ridiculous, stupid lives, Kaworu doesn't have the patience for this.]

He doesn't want to see me.

Yes, he does! What the hell do I have to do to get you to understand?!

[He could rasp at her in return, really let her know how far he's fallen, so pathetic that even his immortality wants nothing to do with him. But it seems he has just a tiny bit of pride left.]

I remember how things were when he didn't like me. I know what I saw in him.

And you have that little faith in him that you think it's all over now?

[What the fuck is she doing? Forget Ka-- forget Nagisa, what's the matter with her? She ought to be rubbing everything in his face, not telling him that Shinji wants him. He's so certain that bridge has been decimated. She should be preening and victorious and instead she's a shell.]

He won't be happy with just me and you know it! You're such a brat!

[Her voice is ringing sharp in the aching confines of his skull, tossed around like throwing knives with, of course, himself as the target. He wants to say, "Please quiet down." On the other hand, he deserves whatever headaches she can give him.]

I appreciate your concern, but I went too far this time.

You know when you went too far? When you died! When you kept on dying over and over! That's too far, asshole! Nothing else you could do to him could ever be as bad as that!

[She's heaving for unnecessary breath, throat constricted. Her eyelids feel like a colossal weight, eyes burning.]

And he'd still take you back after that every time! So shut up with that pity routine and man up!

[Her exclamations are like SEELE's needles. They're finding every part of him.]

He doesn't even know about all that

[That was what Kaworu had feared would spell the end. That was what what he was most afraid of. It didn't even get the chance to do him in. But she's right, of course; he's been past the threshold for a very long time already.]

That isn't the point!

[This is no time for a tantrum. No time at all. If she throws something or hits something, he'll be scared to death. Stupid boy. Just awhile ago he'd as good as told her he could melt down the universe, and he's scared of her, a bastardized mix of Angel and human DNA, of no use to either species. He's scared of her.]

You don't even have to apologize to him, do you know that? Y-you just have to see him and it'll be fine! He'll forgive you anything! Don't be so weak!

[He is weak. He is this weak. But how can he not be afraid? They have scary similarities—he's an Angel, but there's too much about him that's human, enough that they thought they could do whatever they wanted to him; and people are right to be afraid of him. Even without that, she could... well, he's already ruined. But she could make it even worse, if she wanted to. She could...

...]

Why are you helping me?

[He just has to ask. He just has to. It's nothing she hasn't asked herself right from the start, and even now, she's not completely sure of the answer. It goes deeper than what she says, but she can't express how.]

Because you're not the only one who wants him happy.

[She's no martyr for the cause of Shinji. She couldn't possibly be like Nagisa, endlessly sacrificing for nothing. But some things might be worth giving up, at least in part.]

I know

[He lays a hand over his eyes. He's texting with his mind—his A.T. Field still obeys him even if his core won't—so he can rub at his forehead and at the bridge of his nose. His head hurts so bad. It's pounding behind his eyes, and it hurts up in his nose and his cheeks as well. This isn't exactly helping. The guilt, the shame, the worthlessness, they aren't helping.]

That's why I thought you could do better

[... She doesn't want to hear him martyr himself. That's not what he's trying to do (though on the other hand, when isn't it?), but he knows it probably comes across that way. Well...]

I know you don't want him to be unhappy. But I made him unhappy. That's the point.

So fix your mistake, asshole.

[She can't do better. Hasn't he been able to see that? She couldn't even tug him off that park bench in that first area they'd landed in. Shinji was such a wreck before he found Kaworu. Kaworu means far more to him than she ever will. Watching him try to give him up to her is sickening.]

I hate people like you. I hate people who make things so damn hard on themselves.

[She hates herself, is who she hates. God, he probably knows that, too.]

You're not a failure until you give up.

[At the end, there, they're good words. Better than he has any right to hear. It's something he would say himself, if he weren't thoroughly relishing his own misery.

He settles both hands over the center of his chest, just shy of his heart, pressing down with what strength he can muster. It's like he's trying to physically contain his A.T. Field—there's so much he's thinking that he doesn't want to text. I don't know what to do if things aren't hard for me. And, I don't hate any sort of person; so why do I hate myself so much? And, Just say you'll take care of him, won't you; just agree to do better than I ever could; just do it, I'm really, really tired. He deserves this headache and worse for even thinking that, but he refuses to say it to Asuka for real. She's heard enough out of him already.

...]

Do you think giving up is ever the right thing?

Idiot, you're looking for a way out! I'm not giving it to you!

[Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. All the stupid frailties of being human, the automatic responses that still force themselves to the surface under stress. Kaworu takes a lot out of her, but maybe she takes a lot out of him, too.]

It's so simple! I told you, he'd forgive you anything! So why are you being such a coward?!

That's not what I meant
I'm asking because

I want to know what you think

I think you're looking for an excuse to avoid him!

[He cringes. She's saying the exact thing he already knows, but he hasn't been honest enough with himself to admit it.]

What if he rejects me?

He won't, stupid! But if he does you just have to come back another day!

[Maddening. Absolutely maddening. Kaworu's sudden unwillingness to try is reminding her so much of Shinji at his worst that it's disgusting.]

What do you want? Do you want me to help you?

No, I don't want you to help me.

[I want to die. He only barely keeps from sending that. Instead...]

I want to do things over.

[He's been falling back on that for so long, after all.]

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