Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
driftfleet2016-08-10 11:03 am
apurrstate) wrote in driftfleet2016-08-10 11:03 am
Entry tags:
Video + Action | So a mage and a Spirit wake up in the same body...
Who: Anders + you
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Málum
When: 8/10, the day after this post
//Video//
[When the video clicks on, it's to show Anders in the Three Twins med bay, this time awake and clearly a lot more awkward about adressing the network than he'd been a week back. On top of that, he's ten years older than he was a week back, although for all his gauntness and heavily apparent exhaustion, he might as well look an extra thirty years older.
Time has not been kind to the man who once shined his charisma and humor on the fleet.]
Hello. Sorry, apparently I've been in one of those comas that happen here, although mine was one of those that came new memories. So, if we had an appointment of any kind, I'd appreciate the reminder I'm...still a little scattered on...well, everything. It's been a while, but also hasn't. [It was an attempt at humor, but his tone falls flat and the smile that hesitantly tries to stretch his lips doesn't seem to know if it even belongs there and dies quickly.]
For those on the Three Twins, I apologize for being unavailable. The clinic will be up and running as it should be, erm, well, tomorrow. Tonight, I'll be at the Málum. [Maker how he wished it could be getting drunk instead of simply appeasing Adalwolfe's overprotective concern.]
Sorry to anyone who I might have caused concern.
[He clicks off the transmission with another awkward half-smile and then sets about contacting those he needed to the way Adalwolfe had shown him.]
//Private to Fenris and Marian//
[Can he get away with not talking to them? Probably not. Which is why he contacts them with voice only, not quite willing to look either of them in the eye when his memories, thoughts and emotions were still so jumbled and confusing.]
I remember Kirkwall. [And the hole in the sky, but that was far less important when it came to them.]
//Action-Málum//
He'd told Hawke he'd follow him as soon as he'd sorted some things at the clinic. Well, now those were sorted and he'd come as promised to the bar his boyfriend worked at. He certainly didn't mind being close to his fellow mage while he worked, in fact he took some solace in Adalwolfe's nearness, he just wasn't sure he wanted to be out in public just yet either. How long had it been since he'd even been in a crowded place? Three years? They'd been on the run for so long, if it weren't for their village they'd adopted, he'd almost be afraid he'd completely forgotten how to talk to other people.
Anyone who might happen upon him or come looking for him in the bar would find him sitting at the counter, something strong he wasn't drinking and food he wasn't touching placed in front of him. His eyes occasionally darted up to follow Hawke with clear affection and adoration in them, but they'd inevitably fall back to the bar's surface as though attempting to memorize the patterns in the grain there.
He so wished he could call Justice up just to tell him to sod off for one night. Maker damn him, he just wanted to get drunk one last time. The things you don't appreciate when you're younger and not hosting a spirit who chases all the alcohol from your system before it can even settle in.
There were a lot of things he didn't appreciate ten years ago.
Only a week ago.
He sighed. Even without the booze, his head was swimming.
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Málum
When: 8/10, the day after this post
//Video//
[When the video clicks on, it's to show Anders in the Three Twins med bay, this time awake and clearly a lot more awkward about adressing the network than he'd been a week back. On top of that, he's ten years older than he was a week back, although for all his gauntness and heavily apparent exhaustion, he might as well look an extra thirty years older.
Time has not been kind to the man who once shined his charisma and humor on the fleet.]
Hello. Sorry, apparently I've been in one of those comas that happen here, although mine was one of those that came new memories. So, if we had an appointment of any kind, I'd appreciate the reminder I'm...still a little scattered on...well, everything. It's been a while, but also hasn't. [It was an attempt at humor, but his tone falls flat and the smile that hesitantly tries to stretch his lips doesn't seem to know if it even belongs there and dies quickly.]
For those on the Three Twins, I apologize for being unavailable. The clinic will be up and running as it should be, erm, well, tomorrow. Tonight, I'll be at the Málum. [Maker how he wished it could be getting drunk instead of simply appeasing Adalwolfe's overprotective concern.]
Sorry to anyone who I might have caused concern.
[He clicks off the transmission with another awkward half-smile and then sets about contacting those he needed to the way Adalwolfe had shown him.]
//Private to Fenris and Marian//
[Can he get away with not talking to them? Probably not. Which is why he contacts them with voice only, not quite willing to look either of them in the eye when his memories, thoughts and emotions were still so jumbled and confusing.]
I remember Kirkwall. [And the hole in the sky, but that was far less important when it came to them.]
//Action-Málum//
He'd told Hawke he'd follow him as soon as he'd sorted some things at the clinic. Well, now those were sorted and he'd come as promised to the bar his boyfriend worked at. He certainly didn't mind being close to his fellow mage while he worked, in fact he took some solace in Adalwolfe's nearness, he just wasn't sure he wanted to be out in public just yet either. How long had it been since he'd even been in a crowded place? Three years? They'd been on the run for so long, if it weren't for their village they'd adopted, he'd almost be afraid he'd completely forgotten how to talk to other people.
Anyone who might happen upon him or come looking for him in the bar would find him sitting at the counter, something strong he wasn't drinking and food he wasn't touching placed in front of him. His eyes occasionally darted up to follow Hawke with clear affection and adoration in them, but they'd inevitably fall back to the bar's surface as though attempting to memorize the patterns in the grain there.
He so wished he could call Justice up just to tell him to sod off for one night. Maker damn him, he just wanted to get drunk one last time. The things you don't appreciate when you're younger and not hosting a spirit who chases all the alcohol from your system before it can even settle in.
There were a lot of things he didn't appreciate ten years ago.
Only a week ago.
He sighed. Even without the booze, his head was swimming.
private
Sigrun and Velanna, where were they in all this? Did they do nothing? She finds it hard to believe. Or had they also been sent with Nathaniel? There's so much she doesn't know, so much she has to guess at or rely on others to tell her. And that always seems to worsen things. Her heart grows heavier with each bit of news she gets.
Her face hardens at his last words.]
Do not tell me what is and isn't more important. My men and women are important to me. And you do not know me well if you think that I wouldn't have been there as soon as I could if I knew things were going so badly.
[It's not like she ruled alone.]
I would not have removed you. I would have removed them. Nothing like a ten year stint in the Anderfels to drive the point in. And I would have made it clear to this Commander that if he harassed one of my own again, he'd be leaving with his tail between his legs back to Weisshaupt.
private
[He looked away, his own bitterness sounding pathetic in his ears. He didn't want to think about the what if, how things might have changed or gone better if he'd been able to reach Denerim. When he speaks again, his tone is tired, defeated. That edge had never really left since Kirkwall, it almost seemed like all he had in him these days.]
I know you would have come whether I thought it was worth it or not, if I could have reached you, but the fact remains I couldn't. So what is the point of this, Commander? Nothing can be changed now, what's done can't be undone.
You saved my life and gave Justice a purpose, you're important to us both, but we won't ask anything more of you.
private
So what does she say now? Sorry? Damn you for not coming to me? How could you do such a thing? There's so much she wants to say, but none of it matters.
Save for one thing.]
Is Justice all right?
private
No.
We didn't know how it would affect us, but it...went wrong. I'm not a corpse, so it worked differently and-
[He cut himself off but continued after another moment. If there was anyone who would listen to him and understand how much this had hurt both of them and not just him, it was their Commander.]
I don't dream as I should anymore, whenever I go into the fade, Justice takes full control and all I can do is watch and listen without any say. It frightened me the times it happened, so I tried to limit it. But...I do that to him every day of our lives. Every day for the last ten years, he's only been allowed to watch and listen. Except for when he forcibly takes control, but that's never good. It's...we've done horrible things when we were like that.
Because, the worst of it, is that Justice has changed. My anger and hate changed him, perhaps even my taint has helped to corrupt him. He took my pain and turned it into his new purpose, only it wasn't just me, it was for every mage everywhere. He's no longer a spirit of Justice, but one of Vengeance...and we both fear for when-if Vengeance turns to Rage.
[Justice's greatest fear and they'd accidentally visited it upon him in their mutual attempt to save each other.]
private
But no. What little optimism she had is dashed as soon as he explains. It drains from her face, her eyes going wide as she grows increasingly horrified over what she hears. What they've done, she won't ask about; she doesn't want to know. It shames her to admit it, but this is already too much.
She managed to keep her composure... until the end. As soon as he says "changed", her heart lurches. For spirits - and especially after her talks with Cole - she knows what that means.]
No.
[The word slips out, and she slaps a hand over her mouth. Maker, no. Don't let it be true.]
He's a demon.
[The one thing he feared, and it came true. All because he wanted to help. Tears come, but she's not sure if they're from grief or anger, because she's feeling a lot of both right now and isn't sure where to go with it.]
private
No.
[It's not just his voice anymore and he shuts his eyes just after the turn blue, the light swirling in them with the power of the Fade itself. Calm. Calm. She wasn't calling- she's their friend. Likely the only one both of them have.]
Not-not yet. But, if the anger grows any stronger. Every slight is Unjust and every Injustice can lead to an act of Vengeance and every one of those is another step towards Rage.
[It hadn't even made sense to him like that until Cole had spelled out the progression for him. He and Justice had once talked about demons and where they came from, but neither of them knew. Now they do: they come from Spirits, ones too corrupted from their original intent to carry on as they had. If only they'd known.]
Re: private
His greatest fear... and it's happening to him. [As far as she knows, there's nothing that can be done. It may warrant a discussion with Cole to see if there's a possibility of it being otherwise, but she fears she already knows the answer.]
...Justice, Anders. Forgive me. I failed you both.
private
Commander...Riona, there's nothing to forgive. This was our choice, misguided as it may have been.
Please don't blame yourself.
[A humorless smile cracks his lips.]
In fact, we should be apologizing to you. I know how disappointed you must feel.
private
[Not with them. They did what they thought was best at the time. She can't hold that against them.]
You're my men. As commander, I should have been there to look out for you and protect you.
Re: private
But that was hardly all they'd done.]
I meant for the Chantry. Kirkwall.
private
[That's a little trickier. She's not sure if "disappointed" is the word she'd use.]
More heartbroken than anything. Maybe a little angry and upset. And... well, worried. Very worried.
[Once upon a time, neither of them would have done such a thing. It scares her that they both reached such a state of mind that they thought that mass murder would solve anything.]
private
We'll try not to worry you any further. I'll...would you like me to come to you if things suddenly get..harder? Worse.
[He understood if not, but considering she was quite literally the only one on the ship who cared for them both, perhaps she'd rather be the first to try and handle Justice in his anger. She was perhaps even better suited than Hawke, depending on the situation.]
private