how to drag a bird in five easy steps.

[ofkirkwall]

Who: Marian Hawke & Thedas' Greatest Hits.
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Three Twins medbay, later Caprine.
When: Backdated to late 9/8, some hours after Totally Fun Dragon Outing.

[ In truth she doesn't want to wake, she wants to sleep for weeks or months. Avoid the deep ache in her bones, the bile rising in her throat, the disgust that twists her insides into knots. That way she doesn't have to look at them then, doesn't have to look at him, and watch them recoil from her like some sort of thing - some sort of monster. But she does wake slowly, muscles protesting at even the slightest movement, jolts of agony dancing across her every nerve. Curling in on herself she clutches the sheets around her, hoping to shut the world out for at least a moment longer.

Good job Marian, you blew it. Just had to go and screw everything up, didn't you? Couldn't be happy with being bloody happy!

An ugly pit coils in her belly making her pull her sheets around herself some more, eyes clamping closed tighter. The smell of blood sharp in her nose, the taste of cooper lingering on her tongue. Reminds that cling to her like a wet blanket, that refuse to let her forget her own idiocy. If she hadn't rushed in like she had, if she hadn't stumbled and allowed herself to get caught. It'd be nice if they could all pretend nothing happened. Everyone going back to how things were when no one knew about Marian Hawke's dirty little secret or how much of a giant hypocrite she is. The woman that who damns blood magic and the very people who practice it a bloody blood mage herself. Maker's balls it is so painfully ironic.

It'd be nice really, but there is no going back now, no way to run. All there is to do now is watch her approval ratings plumett into the red. No way she's getting that special Wicked Grace scene now. ]

Comments

[ofkirkwall]

[ Instinct, of course, has to open her mouth to lie. Tell him she's fine, there is nothing to worry about, just smile and wave her hand about. Start talking abut something else entirely until the subject is thoroughly derailed. But Anders doesn't let her get that far, forcing her mouth closed again as another burst of magic washes over her.

Dammit. ]

Horrible.

[ There, no lying. Absolutely horrible. ]

Like I have been trampled by at least two dragons.

[apurrstate]

[Well, that refreshing, she actually listened to him. Color him astounded. He keeps the snippy thought to himself and sets about checking over her more severe wounds, changing bandages, reapplying elfroot where it's needed. A few more rounds of his mana coming back and she would be fine enough to let time take care of the rest.

Maker forbid.]

Ah. Well, lucky for you, there was only one, otherwise I don't think there'd be enough left for me to heal.

I know Hawkes have a penchant for attracting trouble and I know they also seem to have a thing about dragons, but I really feel you're taking it too far when you offer to step into it's mouth and become lunch. As your healer, I have to inform you it's bad for your health.

[Don't look at her. Don't ask. Don't think about it. Humor. Jokes. A light tone strained at the edges for how much he's forcing it. If he asked, if she answered, he couldn't promise to keep his cool. Justice would never hurt Hawke, any Hawke, but the spirit was the last of his concerns for once. He couldn't be sure he wouldn't say something he couldn't take back.]

[ofkirkwall]

[ First time for everything, right? Despite being the universe's most difficult patient she can listen sometimes. Normally that is when it suits her or when she is honestly too tired to put up her usual fight. She can even keep still and make his job easier instead of moving about making it harder! Amazing, isn't it? ]

But it is just so much fun [ He's trying, she can see that, so she attempts to keep the farce up. At least for another moment or two. ( it's already tiring. ) ] Anders you should know by now that simply existing is bad for my health. I could sneeze and doom myself to dragonfire or demons or bandits.

[ Kinda of ironic, isn't it? Feels like they were in this a position similar to this not too long ago. She was the angry one then, pretending she wasn't really and everything was fine. Didn't work very well then, did it? ]

I know as a my healer you're not likely to hit me, but you're welcome too. Or if you'd rather, the disappointed friend look.

[apurrstate]

Well, that's definitely true.

[He wouldn't be surprised if she had sneezed earlier in the day and doomed herself to dragon mauling.

But the farce didn't work for them before and it wasn't working for them now. It was crumbling and falling apart in chunks and any pretense he was still clinging to finally fell away with her words. How could he keep it up when she herself brought the problem into the light?]

I'll take that disappointed friend look.

[It's a bitter mutter as he finishes his new round of patching and sends a pulse of healing magic through her.

He wants to ask her what she was thinking, how long it had been going on, why she'd given in when there were surely other options- but there was a tightness to the air, a faint hum of the fade as Justice crackled in fury just under his skin.]

I don't-

[His voice wasn't entirely his own, he could hear it, could hear the deeper tones of Justice clawing to be heard and demand his own answers, but Anders cut himself off and swallowed back the spirit's power. When he spoke again, his voice was thankfully back to a strained normal.]

I won't pretend I'm not angry, but I don't believe now is a good time for it. [If ever.]

Just...tell me one thing: when did it start? That's all I want to know, and the truth, not some half fabricated dance-around you think sounds good.

[ofkirkwall]

[ She can feel it, of course. The threatening air, barely contain magic that told her almost exactly what was pulsing through that head of his - or at the very least the head of the spirit still sitting in his body. It has her on edge, despite her tired and sore body, limbs coiled ready to spring should the worst happen.

She trusts Anders, however, not to let his anger and Justice's to get the better of him. ]

You're not much good at pretending you're not angry when you are anyway.

[ Maybe that has always been because of Justice, truthfully she doesn't really know. But she has always been able to tell with him, he has a look.

Hawke sighs and shifts, it burns sending a shockwave of pain across her limbs, glancing up at him proper. ]

Years ago, long before I met any of you. There wasn't any demons or deals, just a young girl's desperation to save her baby brother and a book she found in some long dead apostate's home. [ There is a little more to it than that, but she doubts telling him the long version would calm down the furious spirit inside him. ] That's the short version, anyway.

[apurrstate]

[He doesn't argue because he has no doubt she could read him more easily than even Adalwolfe could at times. Or, at the very least, earlier. Adalwolfe learned him through time, Marian could probably read him through instinct alone.]

Don't move too much, your wounds are still closing.

[He could picture it all too well. Carver. He was a complete ass, but even still he was Hawke's brother and that meant something. It's why his joining the Templars had hurt Adalwolfe so terribly he covered it with anger. Had it been the same for Marian? But this had been long before that, before Kirkwall.

She'd found a book.

Something in him tightened and strained and threatened to snap to spill everything to her about the book in Vigil's Keep. The book he'd found in Amaranthine that he'd skimmed. 'If I read this, I'll be stronger. Stronger for her. Maybe even stronger for him too? If I learn this, I could be more helpful and protect them rather than simply heal them after the damage has been dealt.'

No

'What would it hurt? The Templars plan to kill me if I ever end up in their hands again anyway.'

NO

Blue energy crackled through his eyes and skin as Justice's outrage at Anders' memories burned everything away. It faded as quickly as it had appeared and Anders ran a hand down his face. No, he couldn't tell her anything.]

Okay.

Lay still for an hour or so longer and I should be able to heal you enough to release you back to your own room.

[ofkirkwall]

[ She pulls a face at him, a silent protest against the order. But she listens, of course, stilling instead of moving further. It hurts to move anyway, as much as she wants to move, to scamper away to some dark corner and lick her wounds. Should at least let Anders heal her first, so none of her wound reopen.

Of course Carver was the catalyst, the tit means the world to her. To them both. She remembers the desperation she had felt when she was a child, the desperation that had gripped her in the Deep Roads. Had to save him, it was her fault but she had to save him. And she did, both times, once by learning a forbidden art, the other by handing her brother over to the Wardens.

She pushes them away, the memories, resisting the urge to move again. Curl in on herself to block the rest of the world out. ]

Okay? [ Just okay? She expected more, maybe scolding or disappointed sighs or just... something. Okay makes her uneasy, okay makes her worried. The same sort of worried she'd get when Leandra did something similar, it almost always spelled trouble later. ] That's all you have to say?

[apurrstate]

What would you like me to say, Hawke?

[It snaps out stronger than he'd intended and he sighs.]

Would you prefer I tell you it was foolish? That I understand before but not the dragon fight? That I wish you'd never done this? Yes, all of the above, but nothing I say to you will change anything in the past. I won't feed into your desire to have someone punish you for your own decisions.

[Hypocrite. But anger made fools and that applied to them both. He shook his head.]

I can't talk to you about this right now, not rationally, but I won't abandon you either. I couldn't even if I wanted to and, Maker damn me to the Void, I don't even want to.

So, yes, 'okay' is my response.

[ofkirkwall]

I didn't think.

[ There was no room for thought when instinct took over, turning mage into something more resembling a cornered animal. No excuse, but that is the whole of it. Panic had ruled her actions, instinct took over her mind, throwing all that she could, all that she had, in an effort to get free.

But it isn't the fact she used it, is it? No, no it is more than she knows blood magic, that she hid it from them all. That she lied.

She furrows her brow, uncertain in the face of him. What she had expected was so vastly different to this. Anger, disappointment, hurt. She expected him to turn from her, leaving her to lie in the consequences of her decisions, of her mistakes. But he doesn't, despite everything that must be going on in his head, and she has no idea what to do with it. With simply 'okay'.

With a heavy exhale her expression turns tired, drained. Worn from the spell, from the tension in her limbs. ]

I'm sorry. [ In the long run apologizing will do very little, but she says it anyway. ]

[apurrstate]

[He doesn't respond. He's said what he could trust himself to say without going too far. The only thing left to do now was tend to the consequences.

He lets the quiet drag on as he moves to the other side of the clinic to pluck a couple leaves from one of his plants and plucks an elfroot potion from his desk. One of the ones he made here, good thing he had elfroot now or he wouldn't be able to make any more.

He went back to Hawke's side and left the potion with her other belongings sitting nearby. The leaves he brought to her and held out.]

Chew these. They're horribly bitter and frankly disgusting, but it's the closest thing we have to a lyrium potion and I can only imagine the mana imbalance you're suffering right now.

[There was another glow of blue light and the warmth of healing magic spread to her, finally closing everything up and soothing the pain enough to make her mobile. It wouldn't be pleasant, but she'd live.]

Once you've done that, you're welcome to go back to your ship, if you want.

[ofkirkwall]

[ His lack of response leaves her sullen, wanting even more to curl in on herself and block out everything. It's fine, she thinks, about what she deserves really isn't it? Lying for all those years, condemning blood magic and mages while being one herself. What a hypocrite she is.

She watches him move to the other side of the clinic and already she is thinking of find some dark corner of the fleet to hide in. Somewhere no one will look, somewhere she can lick her wounds and rebuild herself. Better to run away than to face all of this. Obediently she takes the leaves from her, shivering as the warm pulse of his healing magic spreads through her body. The wound closing, pain fading to something of above a throb - tolerable as long as she doesn't start sprinting across the fleet. ]

I won't stay longer than I need too. [ You won't have to put up with my presence any longer than necessary. ] Dog has to be out of his little mind with worry.

[ Sniffing the leaves she pulls a face but still they go into her mouth, her expression twisting even more as she begins to chew. Yup, very bitter and the taste is not great.

Just get through this and then she can go. She can run. ]

[apurrstate]

[He doesn't quite meet her eyes, finding just about everything else to look at instead. If he didn't look at her, he could hold on to this anger...either to control it or keep it from slipping away by the sheer force of how much he can't stand being angry with either Hawke.

Instead, he steps away, pretending to be busy with something else.]

Drink that potion when you get back to your room. It's just elfroot.

H..Healer's orders.

[Even before the joke is out of his mouth, it's already fallen flat in his mind and the result was abysmal.]

Take care of yourself, Hawke.