how to drag a bird in five easy steps.

[ofkirkwall]

Who: Marian Hawke & Thedas' Greatest Hits.
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Three Twins medbay, later Caprine.
When: Backdated to late 9/8, some hours after Totally Fun Dragon Outing.

[ In truth she doesn't want to wake, she wants to sleep for weeks or months. Avoid the deep ache in her bones, the bile rising in her throat, the disgust that twists her insides into knots. That way she doesn't have to look at them then, doesn't have to look at him, and watch them recoil from her like some sort of thing - some sort of monster. But she does wake slowly, muscles protesting at even the slightest movement, jolts of agony dancing across her every nerve. Curling in on herself she clutches the sheets around her, hoping to shut the world out for at least a moment longer.

Good job Marian, you blew it. Just had to go and screw everything up, didn't you? Couldn't be happy with being bloody happy!

An ugly pit coils in her belly making her pull her sheets around herself some more, eyes clamping closed tighter. The smell of blood sharp in her nose, the taste of cooper lingering on her tongue. Reminds that cling to her like a wet blanket, that refuse to let her forget her own idiocy. If she hadn't rushed in like she had, if she hadn't stumbled and allowed herself to get caught. It'd be nice if they could all pretend nothing happened. Everyone going back to how things were when no one knew about Marian Hawke's dirty little secret or how much of a giant hypocrite she is. The woman that who damns blood magic and the very people who practice it a bloody blood mage herself. Maker's balls it is so painfully ironic.

It'd be nice really, but there is no going back now, no way to run. All there is to do now is watch her approval ratings plumett into the red. No way she's getting that special Wicked Grace scene now. ]

Comments

[wolfehawke]

[For all that Kirkwall had to throw at him, Adalwolfe's rarely surprised anymore by what people actually do, the lengths they go to in order to protect themselves. Saddened, frustrated, even angry, but not surprised.

And then along comes Marian.

Him but not him, cut from what he thought was the exact same cloth in that they'd been in the very same situations with the same factors and the only difference was gender. Not so, it seems.

Adalwolfe tries to rationalize the differences on his way to the Caprine, arm in a sling at healer's orders and walking with a pronounced limp before he settles into the shuttle's chair, thinking not for the first time that Anders is holding out on him with healing anything not life threatening on purpose. Vindictive, that one. But he's had much worse and despite protests of him leaving the clinic so soon, he has to do this now.

Is it because she's female? He knows it was different, how Malcolm talked to Bethany about her magic, about the Circle and what went on there. He'd always made no secret of Templar abuses from his time - nothing like what Anders went through in later years, but still terrible - but sometimes he speak to Bethany alone and minutes later she was attached to his side, refusing to say a thing of what she'd been told but hiding from it. It's a bigger danger for women, Templars 'taking advantage' of their power over their mage charges, and it makes the temperature drop several degrees in anger for Adalwolfe to even think about it.

If it's that he could understand, and from there a slippery slope. Or it could have been someone else, later in Kirkwall, that had taught her. Surely she's not stupid enough to have trucked with demons? He's not. He has to give her that benefit of the doubt, at least.

But it all still rankles at him, makes his docking rough and bumpy for how lost he is in thought. Their father had made a point of raising them to be examples of free mages. He has lessons emblazoned on his brain, driven home with the sense that no matter how hard, this was important, the only thing more important was family but this was still a way to keep it. Stay hidden, but let your magic serve what's best in you, not that which is most base.

He sighs when the rattling of the ship finally ceases, airlock secure, and eases himself up onto unsteady legs. He supposes the only answers he'll find will be from Marian, and there's no way he's going to let her wriggle out of a serious conversation this time. She's avoided it for too long already.

I suppose now I know why, he thinks, knocking on the door to her quarters. He knocks the way their mother would when angry. Polite but sharp, and usually followed by opening the door promptly despite hearing either no response or a 'go away!' from her children. Manners, then get what you're after anyway. That was Leandra.]

Marian, we need to talk.

[ofkirkwall]

[ It's too bloody familiar the way he enters, the way he talks. For a moment she could swear it was Leandra that stood in her quarters, arms crossed and brow furrowed into a disapproving frown. For a moment she could swear she hear her mother's voice ( I knew you would come. ) and smelt her favorite perfume ( the room smells of blood and rot ). Like salt to a festering wound, serving only to cause the ugly knot in her stomach to grow.

Her fingers hover in the air and tremble, halted in their task. He finds her packing, or at the very least sorting the particulars of her pack. Elfroot and lyrium potions at the top, her journal and another book considerably more aged right below, a few random herbs, a spare knife, bandages and a suture kit, a metal flask, a strip of red cloth - all the things she keeps close by. She had been counting the number of potions she had left, making sure there was enough bandages, that she had enough supplies. But that task is near forgotten, her mind latching instead on images she sees now only in her dreams.

( mother's skin is so cold, so pale. she's smiling. she's dying, she's dying and there is nothing - I love you. You've always made me so proud. no, no, please don't leave me here alone, please. i failed, i failed again. )

Breathe, breathe. She grabs the closest thing she can reach, the old weathered grimoire, anchors herself to it to the room. Leandra's image shifts, becomes taller more like Malcolm with broad shoulders she used to hang off of as a child. She hates how much he reminds her of them both; hates how much he acts like them, sounds like them, looks like them.

Marian does not look up at him, she looks to her things, to the grimoire in her hands. ]

Do we? As you can see I'm a bit busy.

[wolfehawke]

We do. You're not going anywhere, at least not yet, so you might as well put that down and get comfortable.

[He stays standing, between her and the door, not trusting her not to bolt even if he's not entirely sure he would stop her if she did. He's being too strong about this, he knows. Too familiar, like she owes him something when logically she doesn't. But he wants to know- no, needs to know why.]

So. Blood magic.

[He spits the words, tried of the games, tried of reaching out and having her come close to reaching back and then turning away at the last second presumably because of this. He's just plain tired of all the hidden meanings and covered insecurities, the secrets. It's worse than the Orlesian Game and to have someone of his own blood do it? He's too angry to care that they're not actually related as such.]

How did you learn it? Father?

[ofkirkwall]

No.

[ She snaps, vicious, anger flaring like an angry wound. Their father most of all knew better than that, he knew what happens to mages who practice blood magic. For all his flaws he did well to ensure his children knew better. ]

You know as well as I Father would not teach us something that would put us in even more danger.

[ A glance at the door then Adalwolfe, and she exhales, resigns to remaining and sits down besides her things. The potions roll towards her, soft sounds of glass clinking together feels louder than it should be, sharper against her ears. There's no running from this, no wiggling her way out, as much as she wants to so desperately. ]

I taught myself.

[wolfehawke]

Well. That's a relief.

[He says it under his breath but still audible, shifting his weight to one leg and running his good hand back through his hair with a bit more force than necessary. He drops his hand immediately after.]

No demons?

[bryces_pup]

[Riona had been worried about Marian. Well, worried about all of them, of course. No one came out exactly unscathed, herself included. Her own arm is in a temporary sling as she enters the med bay aboard the Twins.

But she's especially concerned about Marian, given what happened. Clearly someone needs to give her heavy armor if she's going to go charging at dragons like that.

When she pokes her head around the corner, her brow creases. With Marian curled up in the sheets like she is, her concern only grows.]

Is this a bad time?

[ofkirkwall]

[ She flinches almost uncontrollably at the sound of the Warden's voice, fingers curling tighter around the sheets. Idly she wonders if she stayed still and silent maybe Riona would leave, let her be alone to kick herself in the teeth some more. Instead she turns her head if only a little, a single cracked eye glance towards the other woman. ]

Not at all, this is a perfect time.

[ Her voice is more sharp than she intended, more vicious, and she frowns regretting having spoken at all. ]

[bryces_pup]

[That tone isn't lost on her. Riona frowns, wondering what she did to earn that ire.]

I can leave. I only came by to check up on you. You took a nasty beating.

[With her good hand, she digs into her pocket and pulls out some elfroot.]

Brought you some elfroot, the last I have from home. It's not much, but it should help ease the pain.

[ofkirkwall]

[ Sorry, she thinks but the words don't quite reach her tongue, catching in her throat. It is not that she is angry with Riona, she isn't angry with any of them, they weren't the ones who crossed the line. They came to help, to do what people like them had always done. ]

No need. [ Forcing her grip to relax she shifts, limbs slow to move until she achieves some sort of sitting position. Awkward though as comfortable as she can manage. ] Better keep it for yourself, never know when that dragon will come crashing back down.

[nugqueen]

[Leliana could not account for several minutes, only aware of the dull roar in her ears and the feeling of her skin and her clothes melding together in places from burns. Her armor protected her for the most part but it didn't make the burns very easy to treat. In her head she could still hear Riona's voice calling to her, asking if she was injured. Everything after that was a blur of adrenaline and arrows that flew from her hands like birds of prey.

When she awoke, it was to a pounding feeling in her head and urgency in her heart. She'd seen something before that - Hawke using blood magic. The Hawke she had met had not been a blood mage so that certainly answered a few questions of whether or not they were the same person. They looked exactly the same in every way but this Hawke had done the forbidden. While she didn't approve of it, she knew that Hawke was not a person who harmed others - or at least she believed it. Perhaps she had been blind the entire time...?

The first step to answering that was to force her aching limbs out of her sick bed. She was wearing plain clothes, different than what she normally wore and probably provided by the attending doctors. It didn't conceal the wince that crossed her face as she approached Hawke's bedside and clutched her ribs. Beneath her clothes were bandages over various injuries, the worst of which being a cracked rib from being swiped at by the beast. When Leliana sees that Hawke is awake, she stares at her in silence for a moment before sitting on the closest side of the bed she could reach.]

I hope your injuries are better than mine

[She laughs a bit, wincing again when it aggravates her ribs. ]

[ofkirkwall]

[ To her credit she does not bother to pretend to sleep, cracking an eye open instead when she feels the bed dip with her weight. What she does do, however, is curl a little more in on herself, fingers tight around the sheets. ]

I'm not bleeding.

[ A terrible way to gauge things, she realizes too late, cringing as the words leave her mouth. Accurate but terrible. Despite how much it hurts to move she is relatively well, free of broken bones or life threatening teeth marks. The worst she seems to suffer is a loss of blood, leaving her pale and weak. ]

[nugqueen]

No, you're not.

[She lowers her gaze a bit solemnly, not sure what exactly to say to seeing Hawke use Blood Magic. The Hawke she had known had been much different in a number of ways.]

How did we get here?

[Mostly asking to change the topic and hoping Hawke will inject some wild humor into their conversation at some point. That was more familiar to her not this insecure pretender wearing her friend's face.]

[ofkirkwall]

[ Frankly she'd rather they get the awkward conversation out of the way as quickly as possible. It shouldn't be too hard. Just a quick yes, I did use blood magic, yes it is actually super gross, no I didn't make a deal with a demon. Then she can dust her hands of it and go back to feeling utterly miserable! Everyone wins!

But Leliana, it seems, has another ideas and the Champion herself can't help but exhale. Twisting in her sheets until she is doing something akin to sitting. ]

Frankly? I have no idea. It all became a bit fuzzy after the dragon decided to fly off. I think I might have passed out? For all I know tiny little gremlins poured out of the ground and carried me here!

[ There's some humor for you. ]

Aboard the Caprine /o/

[moonofmylife]

[Once Hawke had been discharged and allowed to return, Daenerys was still a bit uneasy. She had heard the news from the woman herself but it still didn't make her feel better. She could hear others' contempt and concern about her having Drogon aboard the ship and it was everything she could do not to address this other dragon personally and trying to convince the masses that dragons were not a problem. The entire thing had put a rock in her stomach.]

Hawke, may I come in?

[She knocks on the door to Hawke's quarters, carrying a plate of food for her as the reason for her intrusion upon the other woman's privacy.]

I've brought some food from the kitchen - cut fruits and things from the garden and some of the dinosaur meat has been cooked.

[Someone else had prepared the meal in her stead as Dany was still not proficient in the appliances but Hawke would surely appreciate the gesture all the same.]

[ofkirkwall]

[ The thing about Marian Hawke is that she buries things, pushed it all away and puts on a mask; a laugh, a smile, a inappropriate joke. She deflects until the subject is derailed, concern is forgotten. No one needs to know about her problems when there is so many other subjects to broach, like the weather or whatever it is that Dany has on that plate of food.

Maker's balls, she is hungry.

Her mask goes up quickly as she lets the other woman in, lips already curved upwards in a prepared smile. Nevermind that she has seemingly packed what few belongings she possesses and places them on top of her bed. None of that really matters now that food has been brought. ]

You've brought me food! Of course you can.

[moonofmylife]

Yes, I thought you ought to eat. I couldn't remember whether or not someone else had brought you food already since you've been back.

[Dany takes a look around Hawke's room as she sets the tray down and gathers everything so that it sat closer to her bedside.]

Have you slept well?

[ofkirkwall]

No, I haven't give them much of a chance too. I thought I could sneak back without anyone noticing.

[ She moves closer to the bed, picking up a couple of pieces of fruit without hesitation and tossing them into her mouth. In a perfect world she would have come back to the ship without anyone noticing, grabbed her things, then found somewhere to hide until the proverbial storm blew over. But it isn't a perfect world and there aren't that many places she can actually hide. ]

If I said yes, would you believe me?

[wolfuncaged]

[Fenris didn't want to be here. He'd even walked out, more than once, just left to wander a planet or work a shift in the Space Bar. But he'd always come back for a small while. To watch her sleep. His mind swirled around, his stomach felt like lead. He'd known her for a long time, between here and Exsilium. He'd trusted her. And she was a fucking blood mage.

Just like HE was.

He hated himself for making the connection, but it was there. Dark and horrible and too real. A fucking blood mage. The representation of everything he hated back in Tevinter. It turned out he hadn't really known her at all.

When she shifted, he was leaning on a wall, arms folded, staring at the opposite wall. ]

You're awake.

[ofkirkwall]

[ Not him, anyone but him.

She inhales sharp at the sound of his voice, eyes cracking open to catch the familiar lines of his markings. She didn't think he'd be here, considering his feelings about blood magic, but Hawke is different, isn't she? They've been through too much, known each other for too long.

The pain feels like flames across her limbs but she pushes herself up, leaning her back against the wall, and pulls her knees along with the sheets up to herself. She doesn't look at him, can't bring herself to do it. Scared of seeing disgust in his eyes, looking at her like he would one of the number of blood mages they cut down in Kirkwall. So she stares instead at her own feet, arms wrapped around her knees. ]

Unfortunately.

[wolfuncaged]

[The disgust is there. It coils and nips at his insides. He can't make it stop, can't get rid of it. He's angry, too, it's at a quiet simmer at the moment, but he's well aware at any moment it can boil over. How COULD she?]

You're a blood mage.

[He manages to keep his tone level, neutral. It's almost as if he's already distancing himself from this. From her.

How is he supposed to even trust her now? If she has been hiding this from him, from all of them, what else has she been keeping in the dark about herself? ]

[ofkirkwall]

[ The accusation cuts deep, stings, makes her inhale sharply as though she had taken a blow. Suppose she deserves it in a way, she had kept something like this from him though not on purpose. She simply... did not tell anyone, there was no need too. ]

No, I'm a magic who happens to know blood magic. There is a difference.

[ She feels like she's gone back in time, all those years ago after Leandra died. Wrapped up in barbs, angry at herself, at the world, at the bastard who killed her. For months she avoided almost everyone, save for Varric and Aveline, for months she wanted nothing more than to just stop. ]

Believe me I wish I didn't, but I can't change that anymore now than I could years ago.

[ Biting back, that's how she'll survive this. Thrashing out with words to dull the pain in her chest. ]

[apurrstate]

[There was a storm raging inside him. Anger, betrayal, contempt. She was Hawke, but she was wrong. No, confused. Misguided, there had to be a reason. No, she was everything that people saw in apostates, she was everything people feared in mages!

No. She was Hawke.

And he was a healer before he was anything else.

His voice is quiet, tense, and carefully even like he's picking every word to make sure they're right. To make sure they're his and not the hurt Spirit raging in him. Against him.]

How are you feeling?

[Before she can answer, he sends mana her way, another small burst of healing magic to stitch her slowly together. Slow to get it right, to not run out of mana in the middle and leave her in too much pain.]

And don't bother lying to me, I'm trying to help. [A little too terse, too clipped. He chewed on the inside of his lip. Calm down.]

[ofkirkwall]

[ Instinct, of course, has to open her mouth to lie. Tell him she's fine, there is nothing to worry about, just smile and wave her hand about. Start talking abut something else entirely until the subject is thoroughly derailed. But Anders doesn't let her get that far, forcing her mouth closed again as another burst of magic washes over her.

Dammit. ]

Horrible.

[ There, no lying. Absolutely horrible. ]

Like I have been trampled by at least two dragons.

[apurrstate]

[Well, that refreshing, she actually listened to him. Color him astounded. He keeps the snippy thought to himself and sets about checking over her more severe wounds, changing bandages, reapplying elfroot where it's needed. A few more rounds of his mana coming back and she would be fine enough to let time take care of the rest.

Maker forbid.]

Ah. Well, lucky for you, there was only one, otherwise I don't think there'd be enough left for me to heal.

I know Hawkes have a penchant for attracting trouble and I know they also seem to have a thing about dragons, but I really feel you're taking it too far when you offer to step into it's mouth and become lunch. As your healer, I have to inform you it's bad for your health.

[Don't look at her. Don't ask. Don't think about it. Humor. Jokes. A light tone strained at the edges for how much he's forcing it. If he asked, if she answered, he couldn't promise to keep his cool. Justice would never hurt Hawke, any Hawke, but the spirit was the last of his concerns for once. He couldn't be sure he wouldn't say something he couldn't take back.]

[ofkirkwall]

[ First time for everything, right? Despite being the universe's most difficult patient she can listen sometimes. Normally that is when it suits her or when she is honestly too tired to put up her usual fight. She can even keep still and make his job easier instead of moving about making it harder! Amazing, isn't it? ]

But it is just so much fun [ He's trying, she can see that, so she attempts to keep the farce up. At least for another moment or two. ( it's already tiring. ) ] Anders you should know by now that simply existing is bad for my health. I could sneeze and doom myself to dragonfire or demons or bandits.

[ Kinda of ironic, isn't it? Feels like they were in this a position similar to this not too long ago. She was the angry one then, pretending she wasn't really and everything was fine. Didn't work very well then, did it? ]

I know as a my healer you're not likely to hit me, but you're welcome too. Or if you'd rather, the disappointed friend look.