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driftfleet2016-09-11 07:01 am
ofkirkwall) wrote in driftfleet2016-09-11 07:01 am
Entry tags:
how to drag a bird in five easy steps.
Who: Marian Hawke & Thedas' Greatest Hits.
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Three Twins medbay, later Caprine.
When: Backdated to late 9/8, some hours after Totally Fun Dragon Outing.
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Three Twins medbay, later Caprine.
When: Backdated to late 9/8, some hours after Totally Fun Dragon Outing.
[ In truth she doesn't want to wake, she wants to sleep for weeks or months. Avoid the deep ache in her bones, the bile rising in her throat, the disgust that twists her insides into knots. That way she doesn't have to look at them then, doesn't have to look at him, and watch them recoil from her like some sort of thing - some sort of monster. But she does wake slowly, muscles protesting at even the slightest movement, jolts of agony dancing across her every nerve. Curling in on herself she clutches the sheets around her, hoping to shut the world out for at least a moment longer.
Good job Marian, you blew it. Just had to go and screw everything up, didn't you? Couldn't be happy with being bloody happy!
An ugly pit coils in her belly making her pull her sheets around herself some more, eyes clamping closed tighter. The smell of blood sharp in her nose, the taste of cooper lingering on her tongue. Reminds that cling to her like a wet blanket, that refuse to let her forget her own idiocy. If she hadn't rushed in like she had, if she hadn't stumbled and allowed herself to get caught. It'd be nice if they could all pretend nothing happened. Everyone going back to how things were when no one knew about Marian Hawke's dirty little secret or how much of a giant hypocrite she is. The woman that who damns blood magic and the very people who practice it a bloody blood mage herself. Maker's balls it is so painfully ironic.
It'd be nice really, but there is no going back now, no way to run. All there is to do now is watch her approval ratings plumett into the red. No way she's getting that special Wicked Grace scene now. ]
no subject
You're a blood mage.
[He manages to keep his tone level, neutral. It's almost as if he's already distancing himself from this. From her.
How is he supposed to even trust her now? If she has been hiding this from him, from all of them, what else has she been keeping in the dark about herself? ]
no subject
No, I'm a magic who happens to know blood magic. There is a difference.
[ She feels like she's gone back in time, all those years ago after Leandra died. Wrapped up in barbs, angry at herself, at the world, at the bastard who killed her. For months she avoided almost everyone, save for Varric and Aveline, for months she wanted nothing more than to just stop. ]
Believe me I wish I didn't, but I can't change that anymore now than I could years ago.
[ Biting back, that's how she'll survive this. Thrashing out with words to dull the pain in her chest. ]
no subject
Don't give me that! Blood magic is and always will be a choice, and you chose to do it.
[His arms stay tight to his sides, hands balling into fists. ]
After everything you've said against it, you do it yourself, and then you have the gall to actually defend yourself doing it? Do you think that me, of all people, would find any level of understanding about this?
no subject
I never sought to defend myself doing it. It makes me feel sick that I had, I want to crawl out my own skin. [ She wants to vomit, wants to curl in on herself until she disappears. ] Don't think for a second that I take any joy out of it because I don't, or did you forget that my mother was killed by a blood mage.
[ No, he wouldn't remember not really. He'd remember his Hawke's mother dying, remember the pain of a man who never had to deal with demons in his sleep. He wouldn't remember her grief, her pain, how she all but tore the mage apart with her magic and swore to never again use that accursed magic. ]
I expected you to be angry and look at that, you are.
no subject
Then why do it at all? You cannot tell me that this causes you some kind of upset when you actually use blood magic. The fact you lost your mother to it should make you even less inclined to use it. Yet here you are.
[Did her Fenris know of this? Did she tell him? Or is he still oblivious, has she continued to keep it from him. How long would she have kept it a secret here on the Fleet? His tone raises with his anger. ]
No, I'm not angry, I'm livid. Throughout all our time, between here and Exsilium, you have kept this to yourself. You deceived me. You made me think you were a decent mage. One who understood the dangers of her magic and took steps to make sure no one ever got hurt by it. A mage like your sister.
[He knows Bethany is dead for her, but he doesn't care. It's truly how he feels, and he's never been one to shy away from sharing his thoughts with anyone. He takes a deep breath, trying to centre himself. Stop himself from doing something foolish.
The mental walls he uses to keep the world out slam back into place, as he takes a step away. Mentally and physically distancing himself from her. ]
You're no better than the rest of them. And I'm a fool for believing otherwise.
no subject
[ Not it matters, he won't hear it no matter how much she says it. He'll think the worse as he always has, the worse of her, the worst of mages.
She shifts then, swinging her legs around to hang off the side of the bed, daring herself to look at him. It feels like a blade piercing her heart to see him standing there, close enough to touch if she really tried. ]
I didn't deceive you! I never mentioned it because I hadn't touched the stuff since my mother died, nevermind that I knew exactly how you would react. As far as I was concerned there was no reason to say anything.
[ You're no better than the rest of them.
Her throat seizes, closes, eyes widen. She thought herself prepared for it but she isn't, not by a long shot. The words hitting her hard, too hard, that she feels the air knocked from her lungs. Hot tears sting her eyes and it takes all that she has not to let them fall, to set her jaw straight - though it does nothing to stop the tremor in her voice when she speaks. ]
I have never hurt anyone with my magic. I have spent years trying to live up to my father's example, to Bethany's example. But I will never reach the model of a perfect mage, because years ago I taught myself blood magic to help Carver. [ Take care of them for me, won't you? Her voice cracks, a few tears spilling over despite her efforts. ] I thought he was going to die and there was no one around that could have healed him, I did what I had to do.
[ She inhales, sharp, and drops her head. I'm sorry. ]
Though I doubt that matters to you, does it? You've made up your mind.
no subject
[There's something horribly final in the way he echoes her words back to her. Don't let it hurt. Just put up the walls. Consider this a lesson hard learned. When she looks at him, his eyes meet hers, but the distance is already there. Don't let her close again. ]
And yet you did it anyway. Does the Fenris in your Thedas know about this? Of have you kept it from me there also.
[He steps back again, but doesn't turn his back to her. His shoulders remain tense and battle ready, coiled and prepared to deal with a threat. She isn't safe anymore. He was an idiot to think she was safe at all. ]
You're right. The reasons don't matter to me at all. It's still blood magic, still a choice you made. I've seen it used too much, too often to see any true reason behind it. Those who use blood magic do so for their own gain- to say otherwise is just lying to yourself. It's everything that's wrong with mages, and I did not run as far away from it as I did to become trapped in it once more.
[Being near it sets him on edge. Brings back his memories of Tevinter, of Danarius. His former master was skilled in blood magic, and Fenris plans to distance himself as far as possible from anyone who shares traits with that man. ]
I can't, and I won't allow myself to be near that ever again.
no subject
[ She shakes her head bile rising in her throat and her knuckles turn white with how tightly she grips the side of her bed. This is what she was scared of, this is why she never told him. She knows him, knows how he would react, willingly admitting it would have changed nothing.
No, he doesn't know and he never will. ]
I didn't realize spending my life bleeding for other people was actually for my own gain. [ Anger mixes with her hurt, with the guilt and self-loathing pooling in her stomach. ] I must have really wanted to get skewered by the Arishok when Qunari tried to take over Kirkwall, or thrown around like a ragdoll by both Meredith and Orsino. Oh yes I never helped a single person in my life, it was all for my own gain.
[ She thought he knew her better than that, she thought for all his anger he'd know. Looks like she was wrong about that. So blinded by his hatred for the Tevinter mages, for his former master, that he can't see the differences between them. ]
You think I don't know that? That I'm somehow blind to all the horrors mages who use it have committed? I understand more than you think I do. Yes it was a choice I made and I hate myself for it regardless of the fact I manage to save my brother with it. I hate it for what it does to good mages, I hate it for the people who have lost their lives to it. I hate it for what it and those Tevinter bastards did to you.
[ Her voice rises in volume and the tremor only gets worse. Doesn't matter what she says, none of it will make it through, he won't believe her anymore. ]
I'm sorry I never said anything, for what little it is worth.
[ This wasn't what she had intended, never what she wanted, but it matters little now - this is what she has gotten. ]
no subject
[He doesn't need an answer, doesn't want one. He doesn't want to hear the spiel. How every damn mage who preformed blood magic had some way of justifying it to themselves and others. An excuse for preforming such a terrible act. It was unforgivable. There was no excuse for it.]
Do not try to justify yourself to me. You hate it so much, and yet you still choose to use it. Do you even believe yourself when you say that?
[He feels sick. Worse, this hurts. He'd put his defences down for her, and this is what he had got for doing that. Memories of Tevinter surge up. Of Danarius, of the other magisters. How they used that very magic to gain power. How they used it to toy with people who had no way to fight back.
It was evil. And she did it.
He steps away again; heading for the door, finally turning his back on her- his body still tense- subconsciously preparing to defend himself. Because that's what you need to do around a blood mage. ]
If you say so.
no subject
[ There is a desperation in her voice now, mixing with all else, her chest tightening with each word said. He won't listen but she still wishes, she hopes. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe her heart chants even as he refuses to look at her, turned away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. ]
Bloody hell, Fenris! I don't choose to use it, I haven't chosen to use it for years! I didn't think, I acted, it was stupid and I couldn't regret it more if I tried. [ Doesn't matter, he won't believe you. ] I do.
[ As she watches him step away again a lump forms in her throat, eyes stinging with hot tears. She may as well he shouting at the wind demanding it blow another direction. It's hopeless. ]
Fenris...
[ Turn around.
Look at me.
Don't leave me like this.
Please. ]
no subject
[And if she did it once, she could do it again. All she'd need was another dangerous situation, and there would be her justification for it.
He couldn't trust her any more. He shouldn't have trusted her in the first place. Lesson learned.
He continues to the door, pausing when he hears her voice. He can hear the hurt in her tone, he can hear how close to the edge she is and it tugs at his heart. It hurts. His heart wants to turn back, to hold her and find a way to fix this- to stay. But his heart has betrayed him before, following his heart leads to decisions that only hurt him down the road.
His heart had loved his master, once
No. He had to trust his head on this one. He couldn't stay, he couldn't walk back. He just had to go, before he convinced himself to stay. He needed time, he needed to get away from her.]
I can't do this.
[He wanted to keep his voice firm, but there's a waver there, towards the end. Without looking back at her, he opens the door and steps through it. He doesn't linger. He just goes. ]