how to drag a bird in five easy steps.

[ofkirkwall]

Who: Marian Hawke & Thedas' Greatest Hits.
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Three Twins medbay, later Caprine.
When: Backdated to late 9/8, some hours after Totally Fun Dragon Outing.

[ In truth she doesn't want to wake, she wants to sleep for weeks or months. Avoid the deep ache in her bones, the bile rising in her throat, the disgust that twists her insides into knots. That way she doesn't have to look at them then, doesn't have to look at him, and watch them recoil from her like some sort of thing - some sort of monster. But she does wake slowly, muscles protesting at even the slightest movement, jolts of agony dancing across her every nerve. Curling in on herself she clutches the sheets around her, hoping to shut the world out for at least a moment longer.

Good job Marian, you blew it. Just had to go and screw everything up, didn't you? Couldn't be happy with being bloody happy!

An ugly pit coils in her belly making her pull her sheets around herself some more, eyes clamping closed tighter. The smell of blood sharp in her nose, the taste of cooper lingering on her tongue. Reminds that cling to her like a wet blanket, that refuse to let her forget her own idiocy. If she hadn't rushed in like she had, if she hadn't stumbled and allowed herself to get caught. It'd be nice if they could all pretend nothing happened. Everyone going back to how things were when no one knew about Marian Hawke's dirty little secret or how much of a giant hypocrite she is. The woman that who damns blood magic and the very people who practice it a bloody blood mage herself. Maker's balls it is so painfully ironic.

It'd be nice really, but there is no going back now, no way to run. All there is to do now is watch her approval ratings plumett into the red. No way she's getting that special Wicked Grace scene now. ]

Comments

[ofkirkwall]

I panicked.

[ She shakes her head bile rising in her throat and her knuckles turn white with how tightly she grips the side of her bed. This is what she was scared of, this is why she never told him. She knows him, knows how he would react, willingly admitting it would have changed nothing.

No, he doesn't know and he never will. ]

I didn't realize spending my life bleeding for other people was actually for my own gain. [ Anger mixes with her hurt, with the guilt and self-loathing pooling in her stomach. ] I must have really wanted to get skewered by the Arishok when Qunari tried to take over Kirkwall, or thrown around like a ragdoll by both Meredith and Orsino. Oh yes I never helped a single person in my life, it was all for my own gain.

[ She thought he knew her better than that, she thought for all his anger he'd know. Looks like she was wrong about that. So blinded by his hatred for the Tevinter mages, for his former master, that he can't see the differences between them. ]

You think I don't know that? That I'm somehow blind to all the horrors mages who use it have committed? I understand more than you think I do. Yes it was a choice I made and I hate myself for it regardless of the fact I manage to save my brother with it. I hate it for what it does to good mages, I hate it for the people who have lost their lives to it. I hate it for what it and those Tevinter bastards did to you.

[ Her voice rises in volume and the tremor only gets worse. Doesn't matter what she says, none of it will make it through, he won't believe her anymore. ]

I'm sorry I never said anything, for what little it is worth.

[ This wasn't what she had intended, never what she wanted, but it matters little now - this is what she has gotten. ]

[wolfuncaged]

So you did all that with blood magic, did you?

[He doesn't need an answer, doesn't want one. He doesn't want to hear the spiel. How every damn mage who preformed blood magic had some way of justifying it to themselves and others. An excuse for preforming such a terrible act. It was unforgivable. There was no excuse for it.]

Do not try to justify yourself to me. You hate it so much, and yet you still choose to use it. Do you even believe yourself when you say that?

[He feels sick. Worse, this hurts. He'd put his defences down for her, and this is what he had got for doing that. Memories of Tevinter surge up. Of Danarius, of the other magisters. How they used that very magic to gain power. How they used it to toy with people who had no way to fight back.

It was evil. And she did it.

He steps away again; heading for the door, finally turning his back on her- his body still tense- subconsciously preparing to defend himself. Because that's what you need to do around a blood mage. ]

If you say so.

[ofkirkwall]

No, I didn't!

[ There is a desperation in her voice now, mixing with all else, her chest tightening with each word said. He won't listen but she still wishes, she hopes. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe her heart chants even as he refuses to look at her, turned away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. ]

Bloody hell, Fenris! I don't choose to use it, I haven't chosen to use it for years! I didn't think, I acted, it was stupid and I couldn't regret it more if I tried. [ Doesn't matter, he won't believe you. ] I do.

[ As she watches him step away again a lump forms in her throat, eyes stinging with hot tears. She may as well he shouting at the wind demanding it blow another direction. It's hopeless. ]

Fenris...

[ Turn around.

Look at me.

Don't leave me like this.

Please. ]

[wolfuncaged]

Regret it all you like, you still did it.

[And if she did it once, she could do it again. All she'd need was another dangerous situation, and there would be her justification for it.

He couldn't trust her any more. He shouldn't have trusted her in the first place. Lesson learned.

He continues to the door, pausing when he hears her voice. He can hear the hurt in her tone, he can hear how close to the edge she is and it tugs at his heart. It hurts. His heart wants to turn back, to hold her and find a way to fix this- to stay. But his heart has betrayed him before, following his heart leads to decisions that only hurt him down the road.

His heart had loved his master, once

No. He had to trust his head on this one. He couldn't stay, he couldn't walk back. He just had to go, before he convinced himself to stay. He needed time, he needed to get away from her.]

I can't do this.

[He wanted to keep his voice firm, but there's a waver there, towards the end. Without looking back at her, he opens the door and steps through it. He doesn't linger. He just goes. ]