driftfleet | "My mind's like a deadly disease..."

Entry tags:

"My mind's like a deadly disease..."

Who: Wanda Maximoff
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Starstruck
When: Now

Broadcast - Text

[Wanda's presence, both in the Fleet's comms and aboard its vessels, has dwindled, slowly but surely, over the course of the past month. There was period of time, around the beginning of the month, when she couldn't be found or reached at all--save for by Misty, Vision and Pietro. More perceptive fleet members might recall that her disappearance occurred around the time that rumors of a dragon and its rider terrorizing Solrius were circulating about. However, she did pop back up a little while later, seemingly as though nothing was wrong. However, those that know her well may have picked up the subtle tells that there was something she was not saying. Something that she was trying to bury. And so, she became more and more scarce around the Fleet. At least, until now...]

What do you think happens after death?

[The message is short and simple. Anyone familiar with the festivities of the month of October, perhaps this is simply her way of trying to get into the spirit of things?]

Starstruck - Action

[Friends and shipmates of Wanda's, if they want to go looking for her, will find her either holed up in her bunkroom aboard the Starstruck, or in a corner of the ship's kitchen or shuttle bay at times she thinks no one would typically wander in. By the look on her face, it is clear something is troubling her.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ he sees the network post but texting always seems like a distanced sort of communication, not quite what the subject requires. so steve goes in search. it takes more time than usual but when he finally finds her at the corner of the shuttle bay, he takes off his jacket and places it around her shoulders, moving to sit next to her. ]

Good to see you, Wanda.

[ it's nothing but honest. it has been a while. ]

[Wanda stirs a little as he draws close, sensing him as he approach. However, she doesn't turn to look at him, but she doesn't shift away from him either. She doesn't fidget either as he places his jacket around her shoulders.]

[The way she looks... she doesn't seem well. She looks like she hasn't slept well for a few days, and she carries an exhaustion on her shoulders that only comes from when you have that lingering splinter of a thought in your mind that just won't leave you alone.]

Hey.

[It's all she says in response. Still not turning to look at him, instead carrying on her thousand mile stare at the ground at the ground a few feet in front of her.]

[ he is still wearing the bracelet she made for him, playing with the beads as he goes. he is silent for a moment before shifting, looking at her and placing a hand over her shoulder. he doesn't like this, wanda being upset. it's more than a team captain being concerned for a member of the team, steve feels a different kind of responsibility towards her, derived from how fond he is of her. ]

You want to talk to about it?

[She doesn't flinch away from his touch, but she also still doesn't look at him. She's still staring at that same spot.]

I... I don't know what good that would do.

Worth a try.

[ it's gentle and indulging. He will never patronize Wanda, will never try to educate her or tell her what she ought to do. If anything, Steve gives her the same advice he would give himself in order to help her move in the right direction. He won't force anything on her, not even speaking. ]

It was a question that you asked.

[ death. ]

You know, I used to ask the same thing - my father died in the war and after that- when I fought, it seemed as if death was everywhere. You know, people died very young, laying their lives and everyday I would think about them. Some say they went to a better place, others were angry and said they went nowhere, just in the ground.

[ and he doesn't spare her any of those theories, she wouldn't want him too. ]

I don't know - what happens after. I don't even try to understand but I choose to believe they did go somewhere good, that they're in peace. I want to believe that.

[Wanda is quiet for a long moment. She then finally breaks from her stare, looking Steve in the eye. There is a pain behind hers that is very deep, very dark. There's something else, too. Fear.]

What if it's both?

What if it's both nowhere... and peace?

[ there's something there, in the depths of wanda's eyes, something beneath the sadness that seems to cling to her. a worry, she's afraid and instinct has him search for her hand, hold it in his own ]

What happened.

[ he implores more than he requests, tell me how to fix it is not said but it's right there in the tone of his voice. ]

[There's a moment where Wanda looks down and away, breaking her eye contact with Steve but still allowing him to hold her hand... if only for a little bit. The comfort it brings is nice.]

[She swallows, the worry radiating off her is palpable. Slowly, she pulls her hand away from Steve, as she turns her upper body towards him. She reaches up and tugs the collar of the top she's wearing slightly down and to the left. Just enough for Steve to catch sight of the beginnings of what is likely a rather large scar. It begins about an inch below where her left collarbone meets her neck and likely extends a ways down her chest. It sticks out, a pitch white, compared to the rest of her skin tone. It seems recent, yet somehow completely healed. Just from the little that Wanda shows Steve, it's clear whatever caused it created a deep wound. In fact, given the location of the scar, it would be lethal. Yet, here Wanda was sitting right in front of him. Though, her expression looks completely dead and ashen. She is again looking Steve in the eye, studying the reaction on his face very, very closely. She says nothing, just watches.]

[ there is a moment when she turns to him and he thinks she might lean it, thinks she might be crying but the moment comes and goes, and wanda nudges away the fabric concealing her scar and several things happen all at once -

steve frowns, his hold of her hand tightens and he says only three words. ]

who did this.

[ it's not a tone many hear, especially not here, the moment where steve rogers shifts into a very angry captain America. ]

[It's a tone Wanda's heard before. Once upon a time, it'd been pointed directly at her and Pietro.]

[She lets her collar go, and it resettles back over top the scar, obscuring it from view. Seeing the anger in Steve's eyes, she turns away again. Her body back to being perpendicular to his own, and her gaze re-affix itself to that spot on the floor she'd been staring at earlier.]

[She's quiet at first, but not nearly for as long this time. Her head softly shakes as she answers in a low, quiet tone.]

I don't know who or what it was.

[She then looks directly down at her hands in her lap, clasping them together as she lets out a ragged sigh.]

In the last system, there had been rumors of a dragon and a rider on Solrius... Allen had even made a network broadcast about it. Pietro and I... we thought...

[Her voice becomes more choked. She knows it had been a stupid decision. Just her playing at being a hero, once again. Putting lives, her's and her brother's, in jeopardy with her foolishness. Just like back in Laos. Her eyes start to tear up as she manages to finish her thought.]

We thought we needed to check it out.

We thought... maybe there was something we could do.

Wanda.

[ there is no scolding here. there is no why didn't you tell me or why didn't you inform the team, he puts his anger aside, entwines their fingers together ]

this is not your fault. Whoever did this. it's their fault.

[ and one thing is clear - ]

if they're here, I'll find them. They won't hurt anyone again.

[ he holds her like this for a moment longer. ]

I'm sorry. I should have been there. It should never had a chance to hurt you. Pietro - is he alright?

[A part of her hates being back here again, needing to lean on the comfort and protection of Steve and her fellow Avengers. She wanted to be strong enough now to be that for them. She silently curses at herself for still being so weak. Still, she doesn't pull away from Steve's embrace. Not just yet.]

[However, she realizes his question is hanging in the air. So, she slowly pulls herself apart from him. The tears seem to have stopped for the time being, but she makes no effort to wipe away any remnants. She shakes her head in response to his question.]

There's no point. We've already left the system.

[The assumption is that her killers are not actually members of the fleet. After all, a shadowy figure with black eyes and no mouth and its monstrous pet dragon... surely, they would stick out like a sore thumb in the fleet. Right?]

And Pietro is fine. I...

[She looks down at the spot where her scar sits.]

I was protecting him. He could have been killed, and- and I... I didn't want to go through that again.

But it looks like I forced him to.

[ there's always a point or at least, he has to believe there might be. he says nothing of it. they don't need this right now, this talk of another chance, of another battle. time is what is needed here, for wanda to heal. ]

No one thinks that. You tried to do the right thing.

[ there is something heavy, a sense of grief at the edges of the room, he shifts, wraps an arm around her shoulder. ]

I'm glad you're back. You shouldn't be alone.

I...

[She begins, but stops as he puts a comforting arm around her shoulders. She swallows, trying to hold back another round of tears. However, a few manage to leak out. She turns back to look at Steve. Her eyes seem to be searching, hoping that he'll understand what she says next.]

I shouldn't be back. I...

[She touches the spot where her scar is located.]

I saw... [Her brow furrows. She tries to remember the feelings, sensations, her thoughts if she even had any, but it feels like grasping at something forever just beyond your reach.] I felt...

[She's unable to finish her thought. She instead just shakes her head.]

Hey, hey -

[ in less than a blink he wraps her in his arms, circles her in a gentle embrace. ]

come on, don't say that.

[ he reaches into his pocket, takes out a handkerchief - he still keeps those about him. force of habit, even though he hasn't been sick in years and years. ]

don't say that, Wanda, that's not true. We never really know why those things happen. Listen, when I went under, the few seconds before, I knew what was going to happen but it didn't. Maybe I don't really belong in our time but it happened. You're here, that's what matters.

[ there'll be hell to pay for this, this realization grows clearer with every passing moment. ]

[When he mentions the ice, Wanda's eyes go wide in realization. She had heard all the stories of the famous Captain America even before they ever met face-to-face. The man from the ice. The man out of time. Yet, this was maybe the first time she was realizing what the context must have been for the moments before he went into the ice.]

[The realization causes her to break down all over again. This time, as Steve is embracing her, she wraps her arms around him and hugs him back just as tight. This time, the sobs are there, and they are powerful, shaking. All of what Wanda had been holding in, all the emotions, suddenly erupting to the surface.]

[ there are things wanda knows about steve that most people don't. the unsettling nightmare, the cameras with the sound of bullets, the red wine which seems a bit too much like blood, peggy's words, the war is over, we can go home.

he doesn't mind it. he doesn't readily share his feelings but they're safe with wanda. they seem to understand each other well, they both know conviction and loss. when she crumbles into his arms, he tightens his hold on her, rubs her back. ]

it's alright.

[ this sense of trauma, of personal loss, of what should have happened and didn't is an old friend but steve is a soldier, always had been and he addresses this certain pain in front of a punching bag, more often than not.

wanda's way, however heartbreaking, is maybe healthier, he thinks, her pain surfacing and pouring out and he holds her through it. ]

I'm not letting you go, alright? we'll figure it out.

[She doesn't pull away from Steve. She stays buried into his shoulder. Though her sobbing has lessened in its severity, her shoulder still shake a little as the tears themselves have not quite ceased. She clutches him a little tighter as she speaks. Her voice is quiet and a little muffled.]

Am I a monster?

To be brought back this way?

[She doesn't wait for Steve's response; however, as her head starts shaking against his chest. Her voice growing louder with each word.]

Is it right for me to still be here?

Why? Why me? Why when Pietro and momma and pappa could not-- why was I allowed to be brought back?! Why?!

[Her fist beats against Steve's chest. Though there's barely any force behind her blows. It's not his fault that any of this happened. She doesn't know why she's hitting him or pleading with him.]

[To anyone else, it would likely also sound odd that she mentioned Pietro's name. He has been in the Fleet for a while now. She had celebrated his arrival. In fact, he'd even recently transferred to the Starstruck. He had not gone anywhere. So why? Perhaps it's because Steve and a few others would know... when they all get to go home, Pietro does not. Pietro will again no longer be there.]

I don't know.

[ he doesn't try to logic his way out of this one. he allows her to hit him, doesn't stop her as she hits him. eventually he does take her hands in his, tries to think of how to word this. ]

When I woke up - after the ice, it didn't make sense to me, either. The people I loved were a part of history but to me they were -

[ far too alive, far too recent in his memory. ]

My time became a museum exhibit and visiting it, that felt like home, you know? you remember. You saw it.

[ the room. the cameras, the blood, a dance with Peggy, going home. ]

they told me that there was another me here, before. One who was the Winter Soldier. Thinking about it - I always thought I should have taken Bucky's fate but I didn't. I'm still here; you are, too.

[ he reaches out, brushes a few more of these tears ]

and we get to make them happy here and at home - we'll have each other. you and I, alright? I won't leave you. You and I. We still got each other.

[The shaking slowly stops, and Wanda finally pulls back enough to look up at Steve. Her eyes very red from all the crying. From the expression on her face though, it's clear that she does understand what Steve is telling her.]

[Ultimately, they each had their own ghosts that haunted them. The what-ifs and could-have-beens... they stretch out far too long for either of them to risk dwelling on. The shock and pain of her own death and accompanying resurrection-- it had been enough to jar Wanda into looking back. The questions fed into a guilt she's long tried to suppress. The guilt of being the survivor. The combination of the two compounded each other, beating her down to the state Steve had found her in.]

[It had taken Steve's intervention to truly pull her back out of it. His words of understanding and comfort. If he hadn't been here... She shakes her head softly, breaking her arms from their hug so that she can properly wipe away any remaining tears.]

[She makes a sound halfway between a cough and a laugh. A weak smile finds its way to her face. It's the first genuine smile, small as it may be, that she's been able to make for several days now. Finally, a sign from her to Steve that she will be okay. It might still take her a bit to fully come to terms with this and move forward, but this at least was a start.]

"We'll have each other."

[She repeats his line back to him. Her tone then turns more teasing, though it's still pocketed with strain from all the crying.]

You better not let Peggy hear you talking like that.

[ there is something tight at the back of his throat, a sting behind his eyelids and yet those are quickly put aside at the sound of her laughter. his own come soon after. ]

I think she might forgive me this time.

[ might, he says. ]

[Being this close to Steve and being the telepath that she is, she can sense the shift. She gives him a worried look.]

What is it?

Nothing.

[ but that is a lie and even without being a telepath, she'd know as much. wanda is observant, more so than most people steve knows. in her quiet way, she sees things others don't. ]

I guess it's just all of this here. I mean, for so long, I thought all of this was lost. You've seen it. The dance was the last thing I promised her before I went under.

[ a bit of a smile ]

and now we talk about her as if she's - it's like she's always been there.

[Wanda's eyes go wide as her thoughts and memories drift back to the vision-- the nightmare she had put in his head back when she had fought against the Avengers instead of alongside.]

[At the time, she had not lingered to watch the vision unfold in his head, but... she knows what she tapped into when she put it there. Her memories recreating the vision for her now as she thinks back.]

[The pain and guilt return to her expression. Had she ever... had she never apologized to him for what she did to him?]

Steve, I... What you saw... it was my fault. They were your memories, but... I warped them. I used them and your fear... to hurt you.

I... I am sorry.

[It's so late. It likely counts for nothing now.]

But Peggy... she is here now. She has been here as long as I have. When she saw you arrive, I imagine she was feeling largely the same as you are now. The two of you...

[She shakes her head, trying to figure out the words to express what she wants.]

You are both here now. That is what matters now. You can think of the past, the future-- worry about the times you or her were not there or will not be there.

[She then places a hand on his arm, hoping he will not pull away after her admittance-- her belated apology for what she did.]

Or you can celebrate the chance to be with each other now. Make good of that time. Remember it or not when we get home, you'll still have had those moments together. And that will always be better than if you didn't, because the you now was able to make up for that lost time.

They weren't - memories. Never got to make them.

[ he smiles, squeezes her shoulder a little. ]

It wasn't your fault. It was Ultron. No matter what happened that day, it's not something I can regret. We wouldn't have had you on our team if it didn't.

[ them coming together as a team was not an easy thing, filled with pain and anger and loss. ]

That's just the thing.

[ and it's probably one of those thing he will only admit to her ]

stay here long enough and this might be home.

[ with those they both loved and lost now here, alive and vivid and within reach. ]

In a way it kinda is, already. You know, I've never asked you how long have you been here.

"My mind's like a deadly disease..."

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