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Entry tags:

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Who: Anders and Open
Broadcast: Yes (Day after action)
Action: Malum
When: The action takes place a day or so after this happens and the broadcast takes place the next morning

Action
[It hadn't been his first thought to go to the bar. Not even fourth or fifth, but it had popped up eventually. When everything became too much all at once. His clinic was too quiet despite not changing, he was too vulnerable despite not being in any danger. Everything had changed and he hadn't even considered how much until Justice was gone.

Anders went to the only place he could think to go. True, the Space Bar might be a better environment for noise, but Fenris was exactly the last person he wanted to accidentally run into tonight, so Crowley's bar it was. The sound of other people was helpful, at least. And the first drink he basically inhaled helped more. It made it easier to ignore how that persistent hum at the back of his mind was gone, how there wasn't a flux and flow of emotions not quite his own always licking at the edges of his thoughts, how there was only one set of feelings and opinions about everything now left in his head. He'd foolishly tested, half hoping to feel the burst of righteous anger and power as his thoughts drifted to blood magic and the plight of mages and every damn other thing he'd spent the last ten years fighting for.

Suddenly...it was like it had been someone else's problem. Someone else's fight. Like before.

He didn't like it.

He ordered another drink.]

Something strong this time. If it burns my taste-buds into ash, even better.

Voice
[There's a side-effect to drinking. One he hadn't had to deal with in roughly a decade. But, oh, was he dealing with it now. And every time he tried to send a pulse of healing magic into his own head, the hangover he was nursing would just pulse brighter and pang harder and make him think maybe a broodmother would be a blessing right now. It could kill him viciously and in some disgusting way and it would be far kinder than what his head was doing to him.

Perhaps Justice had been doing him a kindness all those years after all. Maker have mercy.

He turned on the broadcast, clumsily hitting video and then voice so a flicker of his disheveled and pathetic appearance can be seen to those who happen to be looking at the time, but then it's gone again and replaced with his voice. Which wasn't really in any better shape.]

Does anyone have any...faster ways with dealing with hangovers? I'd normally take care of it myself but...well, I can't. And thinking isn't too easy right now, so any help would be appreciated. Smartass comments are not, however. Thanks.

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[She can probably read it in his face long before it comes out of his mouth: he's already thought of that. Too much.]

We can't. But...it's either that or he's dead so, if you don't mind too terribly much, I'll hold on to that hope that he made it back.

[For his own peace of mind. And Riona's too. If they could convince each other, maybe they could convince themselves.]

I apologize. That was tactless of me to say.

[She falls silent for a moment, turning over words in her head before speaking with caution.]

We... may not have started on the right foot, since your reawakening, but for what it is worth... I am sorry things have become as they are. Our views may diverge in places but... I feel grateful that I am not the only one here who supports the Warden. I fear I am not always so capable as I once was. It is good that she has you as well.

[He's quiet in response, a nod his only assent that he hears and acknowledges her apology. He owes her one of his own, he knows, but he'll wait till she's said her piece.]

I'm sorry as well. I feel...we likely have a few things more in common than we realize, but it was hard to see them before. There were certain things Justice couldn't accept and I reflected those opinions. Perhaps we can try again, on the other foot this time, but even if we can't, we'll certainly have the Commander in common.

She deserves us at least trying to be polite, don't you think?

I don't have to try to be polite. I may not understand you but I do respect you.

[Just.. you know. Not when you go around blowing up chantries full of mostly innocent bystanders. :|]

It's just- there's so much on both sides that needs to be said. So much that needs to change. I want to foster that change - together. It may not matter here, but you're right - at least being on common ground with one another - I want that. Not just for her.

[He was speechless. It wasn't a sensation he often found in himself, but she'd managed it with that one simple sentence. 'I want to foster change - together.' Except it wasn't so simple.

For nearly a decade that was all he'd longed to hear. He wrote letter after letter, manifestos, practically begged Elthina for an audience and when she finally gave it, she dismissed everything he said with a half-assed apology and assurances she understood when it was obvious she'd never intended to listen to him from the start. He should have taken the clue when she'd turned down his audience requests over and over again.

All he wanted was for someone to listen. Preferably someone in the Chantry, but he would have taken anyone by the end there. And not a single one of them did.

No one paid attention or cared until he gave them no choice. Even Divine Justinia had abandoned them when she'd been threatening an Exalted March on Kirkwall without even bothering to gather all the facts.

He'd lost every scrape of hope he'd tried to cling to for ten years. And now here was Leliana offering it back with an open hand.

One of his hands covers his eyes as his emotions run rampant with no where left to go. Finally, he responded with a quite voice, rough with emotion.]

Where were you ten years ago? Where were you before the end? I only wanted- if someone had just said that, then...

[His hand scrubbed down his face as he shoved the emotions back. He wouldn't cry, he'd promised himself forever ago in a pitch black cell in a tower that no one would get the satisfaction of his pain again and he clung to that promise. Even now when everything he'd longed to hear was offered freely by the Left hand of the Divine herself.]

I want that as well, not just for her. I think working together would be fantastic, even if it only matters here. [A dream come true. Maker, where was the other shoe, it was surely dangling over their heads as they spoke.]

Edited 2016-11-07 22:40 (UTC)

The past is already written for Thedas. All we can do now is bring about a better future. I don't believe in shackling mages and I don't believe in alienating the Templars either. Neither side is the sole problem. Years of unchanged methods are. It brought on extremes on both sides and that did nothing but cause more bloodshed.

[Which he understands that all too well. She knew what it was to be made to suffer for a sin that was not her own, though their situations are very different.]

I want to help the Mages. You know - the next Divine has yet to be chosen. I don't know what the outcome will be but the Inquisitor has asked me about it - the one that I knew, at least. I have seen what magic has done to good families - made them ashamed and fearful. Made them want to either hide their loved ones and leaving them open to corruption - or worse, locking them away to rot in a cell.

[She could still remember the horrors Eamon and Isolde experienced with their boy Connor. It was only by Irving's efforts that the boy was spared and sent to the Circle. She could only hope that he hadn't seen the horrors that Anders and Cole had.]

Not every mage has felt that way, though. There were good people like Wynne who wanted to see that things were done right, but with caution as well. I want to honor that in my own way. I also don't want to see mages abused, or templars succumbing to the lyrium that binds them to their own suffering. I won't pretend that I am hopeful that I might become the Divine, or the person that Justinia was, but I feel inspired by the thought to help push forward change.

[The rest was up in the air.]

[She mentions Wynne and there's a moment where conflicting emotions crash together and play a complicated dance in his expression. There were so few Spirit Healers in the world and only one other in Kinloch when he'd been learning, he'd spent a lot of time with Wynne during those years of complacency.

He'd stayed in the tower without a fight while he had Karl and, while her complacency and acceptance of tower life rubbed him the wrong way at times, he'd been able to see a reason to maybe take to heart what she'd said. After they'd sent Karl to Kirkwall, however, every supposedly calming and advising word Wynne had offered him had been no better than sandpaper on skin. He'd come to resent her perceived freedoms and happiness and then he'd run away again before she'd even come back from Ostagar. He hadn't even gone to see her in Amaranthine and now she was long dead and he felt...a twinge of regret. They'd probably had a lot more in common than he'd been willing to see as her apprentice, but he agreed, she'd deserved better.

The few shining examples of what a 'good' Templar was had also deserved better. They were so rare they proved they were not the rule but an exception, but some of them tried so hard to stick to their ideals only to have them broken down and washed out by their fellows. There'd been a Templar in the tower who'd slipped him extra food and allowed Mr. Wiggums in to keep him company, Anders had never discovered who, but he gained no extra sleep knowing that person would eventually lose their mind and die horribly to the lyrium the Chantry fed them. Most Templars Anders blamed for their own addiction, assuming they wouldn't change it even if they could, but he couldn't deny there were some who were different. They deserved better too.

He nods.]

I believe you've mentioned to Hawke that the Inquisitor you knew was female, I know that's not the case for our Thedas, but I have to assume some events move the same. Hopefully, Lavellan will put in a good word for our Leliana as well and Thedas...mages and templars, will see those improvements. [He'd sided with the rebel mages, so maybe there was hope.] I think you would be a good Divine. Or, at least, the one Thedas needs right now.

There are no certainties, but I'd like to think change - while met with opposition as much as any change might be - would be more than needed if we're to all survive after the breach is closed. I want to do what's right.

[If that means maybe a few shady things here and there in the background? Well that's on her conscience and no one else's.]

I wonder if your Hawke felt the same as mine - agreeing with me that mages deserved to be free. It's not a popular choice, by far, for those in power, but then my ideals have always been a bit... off color, I suppose.

[She still remembers meeting Riona and being accused of being a fraud when it came to her visions of Andraste and the rose she had seen that day.]

I'm not afraid of doing what has to be done to see to it that everyone receives rights they deserve, but I'm sure Riona might dislike a few of my more aggressive ideas.

[Subterfuge etc. with the occasional murder should someone try to put a stop to mage freedoms. Things like that she could see herself doing.]

Adalwolfe? When we first met, he hadn't given it much thought. He'd always been an apostate, he doesn't know anything else. I think, at first, he was just humoring me by letting me talk his ear off about the freedom of mages. I guess something stuck eventually, though, he supported the cause openly in time.

[He'd even forgiven Anders for what he did in Kirkwall, even while Anders couldn't forgive himself. It was the lying that had nearly burned all their bridges...even now, he knew something in Hawke got anxious whenever he suspected Anders was hiding something from him. It had ruined a good number of birthday and saturnalia present surprises.]

As for Riona...she's...she's like the Hawkes. She wants the best possible outcome for everyone whenever she can and she holds onto these ideals she wants to see the world have. It's admirable and I love all of them for it, but sometimes things need to be done that are necessary and not pleasant.

Depending on what those ideas are, you might find Wolfe is in the same boat as Riona.

Oh I know Riona would be in that boat. When we first met... when I began to trust her with my secrets... she helped me find my old mentor because the woman wanted me dead. We spared her life in the end, but I wasn't angry at her for it. It's just her way. She does what needs to be done but never goes too far. Her actions are always just enough to be what's needed - what's right.

[Leliana, on the other hand, knew that there were times where a more heavy hand was needed. It wasn't unlike Anders but she took no joy in it. She did her duties for Justinia and for the greater good of all of Thedas.]

[He nodded.] Sounds like her.

She saved me from certain hanging or tranquility when we first met, she barely even knew me and still she recruited me. Then, I told her why I'd gone to Amaranthine at all, to find my phylactery, and she offered to help me with that too, even though it's hardly legal. In the end, she killed the Templar who was so hellbent on seeing me dead, but I know it was to protect me. She tried to send Rylock away with words, but she was the one who pressed Riona's hand.

[Rylock had attacked and Riona had protected Anders. That was when he'd made his decision ro stay with the Wardens forever, no one else had stuck their necks out for him like that.

Too bad nothing good ever seemed to last.]

Did you ever find that woman again?

I did. I sought her out myself, after all was said and done. It was better to tie up the loose ends than to let it continue.

[Though she hadn't brought Riona along. There was too much to be done in Ferelden. Too much to rebuild.]

Riona has always done what was right - regardless of legality. If she thought helping you was right, then it was right. I wouldn't worry so much about that or Rylock. When I met her she freed a Qunari who had been imprisoned for murdering a family of humans. He's actually a good man and everyone seems to make mistakes now and again. The circumstances around the incident were... complicated.

[A stolen sword, fear for his life, etc. Clearly no one in Thedas could catch a break.]

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