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Once it's proven effective, I'm certain he wouldn't mind a second order. [ at the very least, the young man seems rather obliging on that front. ] I keep thinking about how I wished I'd had it a few months back -- [ when the winter soldier got atroma-jacked. ] Not that it's at all effective when you don't have the element of surprise on your side.

[Natasha has no problem following the other woman's train of thought. It's easy to look back on old conflicts and think about how you'd have handled them differently now, if you knew more, if you had more resources.

It's not a very productive train of thought, but easy to get drawn into.]

An element of surprise, and someone willing to let you get close. If you have those, then it'd be a useful tool. [And women like them knew how to get both of those things. That was the daily grind as a female spy.]

If you were facing down with the Winter Soldier, I wouldn't count on either.

-- Of course. Stands to reason. And yet I find myself rethinking the barely fifteen minutes more often than is likely healthy.

[ but it's clear that her desire to rebuild her arsenal is tied to a festering concern over how easily she'd been overpowered. overpowered is not a familiar feeling to peggy carter. worse, still, it had happened against a friend -- or a man who should be a friend, and to whom she'd made a promise to do everything in her power to stop.

but in the moment, she'd shot wide. purposefully wide. her bullets would never have stopped him -- she knows it. but now she wishes she would have had the bollocks to try. ]

I know it doesn't do much good to say, but don't. That kind of thinking just slows you down. Makes you second guess.

[Natasha isn't exactly comfortable with comfort. Not comfortable drawing attention to someone else's vulnerability.

But this is something she knows about.]

You did the best you could in the moment. If it happens again, you'll do the best you can again.

[ that was just it, of course: she didn't do her best. and she knew it. for all she preached to her colleagues at the ssr about not letting emotions cloud your choices, she'd allowed herself to be so simply swayed.

on days when she feels particularly in denial, peggy tells herself she shot wide because this place made her rusty. ]

Heaven help us should it happen again. [ a frown. ] Heaven help him.

[Natasha's expression is smooth. For all their sakes, she hopes it doesn't come to that.]

He has enough on his plate without that.

A little tough to fit anything else on a plate well-heaped with self-loathing. [ ahem. with her tea steeped, she reaches for her mug and takes a seat across from natasha.

but in the end, who are any of them to judge? they all have crosses to bear. ]

[Natasha takes a drink of her coffee, letting that sit for a moment. She bites back her first response—there's always room for more self-loathing.]

Imagine that would just end up with more of the same.

Edited 2016-11-10 23:43 (UTC)

[ the ensuing snort is likely wry, but muddied. ]

Yes, well. There's something to be said about the lack of variation in that particular diet.

Why do I get the feeling that you and Barnes aren't on the best terms right now?

[Equally wry.]

Because we're not. [ there isn't much use in lying about it. peggy knows she could -- and although she knows natasha would guess it was a lie, she's at least convinced it wouldn't look or sound like one.

but it also isn't exactly a problem she can comfortably bring to anyone else. ] Haven't been, really, since it all went down. [ ... ] And now he's awake again.

He is. I talked to him a little.

[Mostly making plans to spar, which Natasha counts as information not productive to this particular conversation.]

Very little. He's not exactly verbose.

[ another low chuckle. bit of an understatement, there, natasha. ]

I tried to arrange a face-to-face, so to speak. [ she points at the other woman's coffee, indicating perhaps the level of casual meeting she'd suggested. ] It took off like a lead balloon.

[ so, poorly. ]

[Natasha winces a little, a silent gesture of understanding before she chooses her words.]

Is he not a tea drinker either?

I offered to do coffee. [ but he'd deferred. instead of taking hold of the brutally honest offer to spend time together, he'd suggested some hazy future possibility. a brush-off, it seems. and a further implication of how much he simply doesn't care, despite so much evidence to the contrary.

a bit defensive, she twists it into a joke: ] The offer mustn't have been enticing enough. Just as well. I'd have a helluva time trying not to wince after every mouthful.

Not really a surprise. He didn't strike me as in a social mood when he woke up.

Even for him.

[No reason to Peggy to see it as personal.]

[ a hum of understanding.

she sheds a little more light on the complexity: ] Like I said, it's been a year -- he was already here when I arrived. [ and at first, they actually got along quite well. ] But I still remember Barnes. The sergeant, that is. What a different man.

[ it's not fair of her, but some days she feels as though she needs to find a glimpse of that man again. she'd seen him in jim, when he was here. and on those same days she finds she misses jim a great deal. ]

That has to be hard. [Natasha's tone is understanding, but not too pitying. Between British stiff upper lips and Russian stoicism, it's not their style, is it?

But she does understand.]

I can't imagine. I would have liked to see him then. In a way it's easier only knowing him as an assassin.

Once, I walked into a pub to touch base with some of the Commandos. The sergeant made a pass at me -- imagine that, if you will. [ a far far cry from the stilted and broken man still trying to find his words, now.

but then it wasn't so long after that when she was signing off on a report of the sergeant's death. what a swirl of mixed emotions. ]

Edited 2016-11-11 00:59 (UTC)

Hard to picture. [A thoughtful hum and another sip of coffee.] He does have his moments though. Maybe not the guy from sixty years ago, but every once in a while you get a flash of something.

Personality that survived the conditioning.

[Natasha doesn't know about the Winter Soldier's training specifically, the exact methods used to create him, but she knows enough about training methods, about people who'll get in your head and make you something else to know what she's talking about.

That familiarity shows subtly, a shadow in her voice and eyes.]

Maybe that makes it harder.

[ a slow -- if reluctant -- nod. the glimpses pain her, at times. not least of all because she feels responsible. and there's a particularly cruel irony in hating oneself for how much self-hate another person is experiencing.

but she isn't so much lost to those thoughts that she misses the shadow. peggy's lips fall into a hard line, and then: ] Does the name LEVIATHAN mean anything to you?

[ a non-sequitur, perhaps. but only because she hasn't voiced the connection pre-existent in her mind. ]

[Natasha doesn't bat an eyelash, not in recognition and not in confusion. If she knows the name, she keeps that information to herself.]

Why? Are they behind what happened to Barnes?

[Baldly taking advantage of the sudden change to avoid a committal answer.]

Possibly. [ her eyes are on the tea. peggy shakes her head. ] Possibly not. That's the sort of question which keeps me up night.

Does it really matter what the answer is? Either way, you can't put that on yourself. You're not responsible for HYDRA. Or Leviathan. Or any other shady organizations with ominously mythical names.

Of course, [ she exhales with falsified relief. she's not responsible for hydra, or leviathan, but she certainly did her part in bringing in dr. fenhoff and jailing him in the belly of the beast, so to speak. she might not be aware of any specific cellmate assignments -- but all it had taken was jim barnes warning her about zola, and about the hydra takeover, to put the rest of the pieces together.

she practically giftwrapped a highly effective hypnotist for hydra. and yet, as fate would have it, her name doesn't appear on the file. thompson took that collar; history would absolve her. ] It's not my fault. To claim otherwise would make me quite the hypocrite, wouldn't it?

[ after all, she routinely insists that the violence on the iskaulit wasn't bucky's fault. and yet. ]

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