passingthrough: (X Marks the Spot)
Kitty Pryde ([personal profile] passingthrough) wrote in [community profile] driftfleet2016-11-15 07:33 pm

Windrose Mingle - November

Who: Windrose crew and the people who stalk them
Broadcast: Probably not!
Action: Windrose
When: November

[It's been a month of loss for the Windrose. We've lost Ordis, Tenno, and now our captain The Vision. We could probably use some visitors and ship togetherness.]
winn: (79)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 12:35 pm (UTC)(link)
[ he sighs, because he gets it. he does. it's the same reason he finds it so hard to talk to her sometimes - because he doesn't want to weigh her down any more, she's already been through so much in her life. even now, he can't help but feel small and weak and pathetic at her acknowledging his pain, because to him it feels like nothing in comparison to what she's been through and that's a very frustrating way to feel. he doesn't want to keep bottling everything up and end up resenting her for it, it's not fair and it's not logical and it's not right. that's what he has to work on.

and it's what she has to work on too.

he tangles his fingers in her hair, and takes a moment to think. ]


We can't tip toe around each other forever. You're gonna hurt me and I'm gonna hurt you and we need to be brave and accept that or we'll both end up hurt worse.

[ he doesn't like it any more than she does, but they can't talk about marriage and children if they can't deal with having disagreements or getting angry or even just relaxing and being themselves at the cost of sometimes unwittingly crossing a line or stepping on a sore spot. in the long run, these things can strengthen their relationship, teach them more about each other, and help them find a middle ground on their dividing issues. ]
winn: (74)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 02:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[ this is it, isn't it? do or die. ]

I always want to. It's just not easy for me, you've been through so much, and I've been taught to shut up and be grateful for what I got.

[ and he is grateful, but he's also struggling because his life is light years from easy or simple or all good. ]
winn: (48)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 03:32 pm (UTC)(link)
[ he smiles a little, the kind of smile that has nothing to do with cheer. ]

I hate them. I miss them. I hate that I miss them.
winn: (54)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 03:54 pm (UTC)(link)
I know my dad doesn't regret what he's done [ he regrets having lost him, but he blames that on his victim too. ] but I wonder sometimes, if my mom ever does. [ does she miss him, does she think about him, does she want to find him, but is too scared to reach out after all this time? and if she does, is she right to be afraid?

why is he talking about his parents right now? he's not sure but she wants him to share and she started with the topic and he's just rolling with it because he has a lot of unresolved feelings there, feelings that may seem obvious, but he's never gotten to express. ]
winn: (55)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 04:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Of course, [ who wouldn't think about it from time to time? ] but. I get enough rejection without going looking for it.

[ heck, he's not even sure he won't reject her if she reached out first. she left him. just up and left him when he was 11 years old and needed her most. and yeah, it couldn't have been easy on her either, but he's her son, and he was 11 years old and she didn't even make sure he was taken care of, left with friends, nothing. ]
winn: (05)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
[ it's hard to shake his head when she holds him so close but it's a price he's more than willing to pay for feeling warm and secure. ]

I don't wanna do that. Neither of them cared about anyone else or took any responsibility for their actions, I don't wanna be like them. [ maybe there's more about his parents' life he didn't know. maybe his mother is mentally ill too (isn't that a cheerful thought), maybe she was scared of his father, scared that he'd come after her for some reason and thought he'd be safer without her. he's made up a million excuses for her in his head, and he doesn't think any of them are likelier than she was weak and selfish and just took off but looking her up just to yell that in her face - as satisfying as that may be - doesn't feel any less weak or selfish to him. he's made something of himself, he's got a life, sort of. she probably has one too. they've moved on. back home, he doesn't think about her nearly so much. ]

And I don't know if I want her back, whoever she is. [ the mother he knew loved him more than anything, so clearly - he didn't know her that well. ]
winn: (75)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 04:40 pm (UTC)(link)
It's my biggest fear. [ he smiles a little but again, it doesn't reach his eyes. ] Cliche, I know.

[ he's scared of turning into either of his parents. but not because they're uptight, or boring, or don't get it - but because they make some horrifying choices. ]
winn: (41)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)
When I catch myself doing it. Like when I get angry or frustrated and don't tell anyone about it, don't stick up for myself, just like my dad.

[ he has so many reasons to hate that trait of his, and yet it's still so hard to break. it just frustrates him more. ]
winn: (73)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 06:14 pm (UTC)(link)
I know I just...[ he sighs, pulling away in frustration - at himself. he really hates this about himself. ] it's hard for me to start.

[ once he's pushed, he explodes. but that first step...he's so scared of losing her. ]
winn: (If I tell you I’ll have to kill you)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 06:58 pm (UTC)(link)
[ she gets a whine at that, he really doesn't want to tell her about the last thing that made him feel this way.

it seems so petty and stupid when he thinks about it, and yet feels so hurtful at once. why. he really needs to sleep more, doesn't he? ]


Mmhm, last thing was really stupid [ he can't lie, not when he made the speech about being open and honest. ] how about one before that?
winn: (55)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 07:06 pm (UTC)(link)
No it's, it is. It's probably more of a case of being high-strung. [ he's emotionally and physically exhausted, with all the disappearances and heavy talks they keep having. he's probably just being touchy, right? right. he's not that petty!

but he sighs because he wants to do better. ]


I'll tell you if you want but...it's definitely gonna test your tolerance levels.
winn: (33)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 07:16 pm (UTC)(link)
[ he feels genuinely stupid just saying it, and looks even more uncomfortable, especially in the face of how seriously she's taking it. ]

The...me taking your name joke. [ it just pushed so many buttons and then they were just left there, pressed, as he had to redirect and reassure her and he was abandoning his needs again, nothing releasing that pressure. ]
winn: (42)

[personal profile] winn 2016-12-07 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
I know - I know. [ and by god the urge to reassure her is so powerful, to tell her he's just being winn - just ask kara, he does that - it's not a big deal and to hold her and comfort her but that's not what she wants and he struggles to resist it. he does start stroking her hair again, in the way he knows she likes. ]

I'm not accusing you of anything, I know you didn't mean anything bad by it. [ he sighs. this is so hard. ]

I'm gonna answer your question first, ok, and then we get back to the rest of it?

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