driftfleet | Jan 3rd

Entry tags:

Jan 3rd - Broadcast

Who: Sorey & y'all
Broadcast: Huntress & fleetwide
Action: n/a
When: Jan 3rd

[ Broadcast: Huntress only ]

Hey everybody, this is Sorey. I'm just checking in, seeing if everything's okay. Oh, and paperwork for new upgrades will be coming in soon, so if there's anything anybody would like to see upgraded, cast your votes now!

Oh also, we don't have any lab support personnel. I know Mikleo's been doing some stuff but if you know anybody looking to transfer who'd like the use of the lab, could you let 'em know? I'll include a call out in my public broadcast in a sec.

Okey dokey, that's all for now! If anything comes up, don't hesitate to contact me or Mikleo!

[ Broadcast: all ]

I'm kind of curious; so there are a lot of different kinds of forces or energies here that are a lot like the ones back on my planet, but they don't seem to behave the same way here. Like the rules are different. Is anybody else running against that?

And as an aside, if there's any potential lab personnel looking for a place, the Huntress has an unoccupied lab, for now.

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I know, I do, [Sorey explains hurriedly, because he does. He'd understood at the first mention of Symonne, at Uno, Rohan; Mikleo doesn't have to explain it. It wasn't as if Sorey was saying that seraphim are above humans, like their rulers or something. It's natural for people to admire those who can do what they can't, so it's natural for Sorey to admire seraphim. After all he's been in awe of them for years, even through all the familiarity, even while befriending them, fighting them, rescuing and being rescued by them. It's a collaborative effort, purifying the world, but while even the humans he admires have taken steps only for the sake of their own societies, seraphim have always had the entire world in their best interests.

Isn't that because their scope is greater? Sorey can't go one conversation with Lailah without saying something that hurts her feelings, but that must be because he simply doesn't understand like she does. Right?]

Seraphim aren't perfect beings. But worshiping seraphim- it's a mutually beneficial system. It's coexistence. [And Sorey had heard that implication too, at the mention of Eizen.

I'm not perfect.

Mikleo had become a dragon, and it doesn't take a spiritual connection to know he carries a lot of darkness around with him because of it. He'd even started collecting malevolence over his denial, over trying to tell himself he's okay. Maybe...maybe Sorey shouldn't have brought this up like this. Mikleo is still struggling with so much, and Sorey just dumped this onto his head without a single concern as to whether or not Mikleo's even ready for it.]

We wanted coexistence. Didn't we?

We did. We do. But that...

[Mikleo frowns tightly, brows furrowing. Sorey's words - his particular phrasing - reminds him of something else he'd forgotten.]

Back when Morgrim agreed to bless Pendrago again, something she said stuck with me. She said it doesn't really help anyone if she just exchanges the prayers of humans for her blessing. And we've seen the downside of that, with seraphim who've tried before- the humans take the protector seraph for granted, and the seraph resents the humans for forgetting their sacrifice. With no way to communicate, no equality between the two, it all falls apart. The way things stand, seraphim are just merchants selling blessings instead of goods.

Morgrim said the seraphim need to reconsider their roles. I think she meant... to truly coexist, we have to be more aware and proactive in maintaining more than just the blessing. It isn't just give and take, but... finding a level ground, mutual understanding between the two... that's what's been missing the whole time.

[Even as he says it, it comes together in his mind, like that final puzzle piece snapping into place, the last switch pulled to open a door. His eyes widen, fingers tightening in the bedsheets.]

Sorey, what you're suggesting isn't coexistence... it's co-dependence. It isn't the same thing.

[Not the same thing...?

Sorey knows it, of course, obviously. The definitions are different, but...]

Mikleo- ...we'd been spending weeks searching for seraphim to return blessings to places. Are you saying we've been going about it the wrong way?

[Because that's what he's getting. And he knows Morgrim is wise, a seraph her age can't be anything but, but to say that seraphim worship is co-dependence strikes Sorey as unbearably condescending, to both humans and seraphim.]

Not the wrong way, exactly, no... if we weren't following the right path, Lailah would have said something. But I don't think it's enough. If that's all it took for humans and seraphim to fully coexist, then they'd have done it ages before we got involved. Instead the two are further apart than ever, and all we're doing is restoring what we've been told is the norm.

[A part of that broken relationship is due to the Lord of Calamity, sure, and the state of the world itself, but it hasn't been this bad for that long, as far as they know. On the other hand, the gap between humans and seraphim has existed for hundreds of years. Resonance is so rare that even devout, uncorrupted churchgoers can't perceive a seraph right in front of them. A Shepherd can only do so much- they need more people to get involved and communicating, both humans and seraphim alike.

He hesitates again, now, because... well, it's another thing they haven't talked about. He hasn't brought up Sorey's messages since the day he'd come back, as they'd felt like too much of a sensitive topic - the same could be said of the messages he'd left. Even so, it's too important to ignore.]

Sorey, you've said before... the relationship the two of us have, how close we are- that's the ideal you're going for. That you want more people to experience this. Is that still true?

Of course. [That requires no consideration. The closeness he and Mikleo share is something he wants for every human being, for both their species. And what Mikleo's saying has truth to it; merely restoring blessings isn't enough, but you can't breed resonance into people overnight.]

But coexistence has happened before. There's evidence of it everywhere- in ruins, in the trial shrines, with seraphic artes and the like. And there are documents detailing how humans used to worship seraphim that predate the Age of Chaos. I don't think it's right to throw all of that aside because you're worried about people taking it too far.

I mean- I pray to that shrine, Mikleo, every day. Does that make you uncomfortable?

[That one, at least, Mikleo doesn't need to think about. He's never been subtle about how he feels about the shrine, or his part in it. He'd helped to make it, of course, and it had been a fun project- it's even been a source of some comfort to him sometimes, when he'd opted to visit the religious center. But more than once he's questioned his role in the relics left there.

And there's a reason why, despite his early objections, he'd not-so-subtly put that stupid snowglobe back. Turns out it'd been much easier to accept it when Sorey praying by an object that represented him was a joke rather than something genuine.]

That depends. Are you praying for us, or to us?

For- well. [Sorey tilts his head back, bouncing back against the desk. This is still...painful, a little bit- no, just uncomfortable, but it's Mikleo. Whenever they argue or disagree, it's for the purpose of bettering their understanding of the subject. If he just thinks of it like that, like they're squabbling over a translation quirk instead of peeling each other apart to see into their hearts the hard way, it's a little easier to stomach.] I use it to pray for everybody, but for people who aren't here, [Edna] it's more like I'm praying to them to...try to talk? Not asking for blessings or anything like that. I just want to think my voice can still be heard somehow.

[Mikleo's shoulders drop again- but this time it's because he's more relaxed, rather than upset or disappointed. This... this is progress. This is more familiar territory, and what he's looking for.]

Sorey... that's the difference. That's what I'm talking about. Wouldn't it be better if prayers to the seraphim were conversations, rather than just humans asking for things and worshipping one-sidedly? When so many of them avoid using the chapels as their vessels, where people would naturally go to petition for good health or forgiveness... What do you think seraphim would appreciate more?

[Sorey takes a moment to chew on that, really think. He's never given any consideration to it before because he's never been on that side of the equation; he's a human being, after all. Although he's also the Shepherd, and has received all kind of near-worshipful attention for it, it's never been quite like how people seem to revere the seraphim. Still, that kind of devotion just seems like a matter of course, a necessity for a continuing system. Uno didn't seem particularly bothered to be worshiped by Father Breunor, but how can Sorey look at Mikleo and tell him that he doesn't know what he's talking about when it's about his people?

This is where the distance between them as seraph and human feels larger than ever, a gap incapable of bridging, ideals that separate them farther than land ever could.]

I think that probably depends on the seraph, [Sorey settles on, finally.] There's nothing to say worship can't be a conversation. And...and I've fallen short of being properly grateful to you guys, and you're always with me. I've used your powers thoughtlessly like they were my own.

[Sorey shrugs uncomfortably, looking way and folding his arms again.] Maybe that doesn't bother you, but it bothers me. There's the danger of humans looking at seraphim as tools when receiving their blessing too, but with the worship comes respectful distance. I don't think that's something that should be dismissed.

Edited 2017-01-31 05:05 (UTC)

[Mikleo hums quietly at that, hands clasped tightly together on his knees. It's times like these where he curses the differences that lie between them, these moments where the fact that Sorey is human and Mikleo is a seraph rises up in his thoughts like a wretched beast of worry, uncertainty, sometimes even fear. Age, physiology, mentality, there's so much they can't just erase with the power of friendship, or whatever. Ignore, compromise, or accept. Those are the options they have.

Their friendship is proof that relationships can build between seraphim and humans, he knows. But only if they stay as strong as they've always been.]

If that's true... if it does depend on the seraph, then you should know where I stand. I've told you before, and I'll say it again: I went with you for myself as much as for you. Our dreams have always lined up, so it isn't like I'm here because you're human, or because I'm selfless. And... I forgave you for what happened... because I don't want to lose you over this. You mean too much to me.

[He breathes out, a long and quiet exhale, and turns his gaze off to the side, away from Sorey. It's hard enough to say all of this- he really can't look Sorey in the eye while he does it.]

So you should also know... I don't want worship, and I don't want "respectful distance"- I don't want any of that. I'll end up resenting you, if you treat me too differently because of this.

Treat...was I treating you...? [Sorey doesn't even have to finish the question, mouth clicking back shut. He was. He'd been doing it a bit on purpose, being more gentle with Mikleo, backing off where he'd usually press but that wasn't because he's a seraph. That was because he'd been through a lot, because he still couldn't eat, couldn't stand to hear the sound of Sorey chewing. It was because he still had trouble taking even the smallest cat naps, because sometimes his fingers would hesitate when turning a page, lost for a moment in his own memories.

Those aren't because he's a seraph.

But had Sorey gone too far...? Mikleo's face, when he'd shoved Sorey away, he'd been- he hadn't just been embarrassed, had he? He'd always wondered if he was the only one overthinking things, looking across his family and seeing only differences. It didn't happen often but it did happen at his most vulnerable moments, him with his simple name and his simple strength and his simple life. Sorey, the human, living amongst old gods.

Maybe Mikleo's been thinking about it too.

Maybe Mikleo's picked up on it before even he has.]

Mikleo, you...you asked me earlier if I think of you differently. [Sorey rubs the back of his neck.] The truth is that I've always thought of everyone in Elysia as different from me. Not in a way that- that invited worship, but...I knew if I stayed there I would get old, and I would go gray and I'd die a long time before anything like that happened to any of you.

...I do see us differently. Humans and seraphim.

But no matter what we are, you'll always still be my same old Mikleo. [Sorey rubs his arm uncomfortably.] I'm sorry if I...if I made you feel like I wanted distance. I'm still working through some things...

And. And thank you...for forgiving me.

[A memory comes to him, then, sharp as a knife, and his breath catches for a moment. Those words. It wasn't just realizing one quiet, unremarkable day that Sorey was human and would grow differently than him, it wasn't just watching how breathing, eating, sleeping were requirements rather than options, it wasn't just noticing how Sorey grew alongside him every year while those around them both stayed the same, it wasn't just offering out his true name to share it- for love, but also for equality, yet another thing in Elysia that they all had and Sorey didn't. It wasn't just that he was glad they'd been found as babies together because it meant that they could spent Sorey's entire lifespan together, from beginning to end, as long as Sorey would have him.

It wasn't just that. It was- it was that day-

Barely breathing, wounded and bleeding and crying out in suffering and loneliness, wild and confused as only a dying animal could be, he'd heard those words.

"He was never supposed to die first. It was supposed to be me-! I’m the human!"

Of course Sorey knew already. This isn't something they ever talk about, but... of course he'd be aware of those differences. He would have noticed it at least when Mikleo did, if not before. It's easier to see things when you're the one that stands apart.

They don't talk about it. Maybe they should. Maybe now that death has touched them, their differences are all the more important to acknowledge... so they understand one another, the way they ought to, as partners.

The silence stretches out, almost too long; that memory takes more effort than he'd have liked to shake off. Some of them are. The fragments of darker days, the ones Allen had warned not to try and remember, linger uncomfortably and often inconveniently around those who might see it. Sorey's noticed those, too. He wishes there was a way to make himself stop, to alleviate some of Sorey's guilt, but that sort of dishonesty won't help them, either.

He'll share this, too.

Finally he lifts his hand, tentatively patting the spot on the bed beside him.]

...Come here.

[Without a moment of hesitation, Sorey does.

Mikleo's fits and visions haven't completely subsided; Sorey suspects they're more getting lost in his memories than anything, trying to chase down details and getting stuck (like Sorey himself has done once or twice) but hovering can sometimes just make Mikleo feel even worse so he's been making a sincere effort to keep his distance and give Mikleo space to work through things on his own. It's been terribly difficult.

So many things between them are so uncertain, and Sorey hates it. There's never been uncertainty in their relationship before- no, but maybe that's because they haven't spoken about these things before. Sorey being human, Mikleo being seraph...it was something they discussed lightly, for the sake of quips or abstractly academic. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe they should've been frank with each other from the beginning, neither of them shying away from their differences, afraid to examine them for fear that they'll find something that will split them apart.

So Sorey sits beside Mikleo, but he also leans against his side, purposefully heavy and warm. He feels a little better that way, Mikleo's shoulder against his arm, sure and steady. There's no distance between them; they'll bridge that gap somehow.]

[Mikleo's quick to lean against Sorey in return, lightly at first, then eventually tilting his head to rest on the other's shoulder. His eyes close, focusing quietly on just them for a while: the way Sorey moves slightly as he breathes, the shared warmth of their bodies, the comfortable sensation of a recognized and welcome presence. It helps. It's almost always helped, and for a while he does nothing, says nothing. He lets the silence lie between them, and it's a soft blanket of familiarity rather than the choking thing it had been before, when they were the span of a single room and at the same time an entire world apart, or so it felt to him.

This is good. This is better. And eventually, when he feels more like himself again, he rediscovers his voice.]

There's... been something I've been trying to remember, from that time, but I can't. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't come. I can't remember when I would've told you that you'd be okay.

[As he died; after he was gone, forever. Dragons can't speak, can they? They're not like the animal seraphim, with souls and voices and thoughts to share. They fly, they burn, they kill. Dragons are known as their own sort of calamity for good reason. Monstrous beasts that can't be contained, controlled, or befriended.

When, while dying, would he have found his voice enough to tell Sorey that he was capable of living on? It's true, of course- he'd never deny that- but how had that belief been conveyed through the fangs of a monster?]

The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that it doesn't matter how. You heard me, anyway. And I know what I must have meant.

[Tentatively his fingers slip sideways to find Sorey's hand, instinctively knowing. He hasn't reached out much in recent years but his hand has always known where to find Sorey.]

I forgive you as a seraph. But I'd forgive you if I were human, too. Or a dragon. I'd forgive you if I hadn't ever come back at all. It doesn't matter what we are or what we become... how I feel isn't ever going to change.

[A dozen years, a hundred years, a thousand years. These are the moments he'll keep.]

[Mikleo's head falls to his shoulder so Sorey's cheek rests on his hair, reflex, that automatic reach to offer and receive comfort from each other. It's always been like this; ever since they were small, when Sorey was still shorter than Mikleo by almost a full head, slow to grow and still weak from an early birth.

It...doesn't shock him that Mikleo doesn't remember telling him that. Mikleo's made allusions to it before; only barely remembering his time as a dragon in flashes, in scattered sounds and smells that he can't bear to look at more closely. On the one hand Sorey is intensely grateful that Mikleo doesn't remember those last few horrible moments; on the other, it feels so lonely, being the only one between them holding Mikleo's dying words in his heart. It's a burden he'll just have to learn how to carry.

Mikleo's strong, cool fingers slip into his hand, curl around the edge of his palm and Sorey automatically grips back. His hands are bigger than Mikleo's now; knuckles obvious and tendons sharp compared to Mikleo's smooth skin and clean nails, but Sorey likes the contrast. They've lived similar lives but still turned out so differently from each other.

I'd forgive you if I were human, too.

(I know,) Sorey thinks, fiercely and gratefully, eyes stinging again. Mikleo might hate worship but Sorey doesn't know what else to call this, this warmth, this huge swelling thing inside of him that threatens to take him over and eat him up from the inside out.

It doesn't matter what we are or what we become.

It doesn't, but it does, because they're together no matter what as Mikleo and Sorey, seraph and human, (dragon and hellion) and there's something fatalistic about that, about considering what they'll be decades from now if they even survive defeating Heldalf. If they'll live together, travel together, be together until Sorey's knees are too weak to carry him through ruins anymore, but at the same time...it's the most wonderful thing Sorey's ever wondered because there is no considering it. It's what they'll always be.

...how I feel isn't ever going to change.

Mikleo, gods willing, will be eternal. And, gods willing, one day he'll live in a world that Sorey is no longer in...but his heart will still carry Sorey inside of it, his whole memory. Not as a human he knew, or a worshiper, but him, clear as words on a page, tall as a relief carved into rock.]

I love you Mikleo, [Sorey mumbles, voice thick. He twists so he can wrap his arms around Mikleo and pull him to him close, so overwhelmed with thankfullness he can hardly keep his tears at bay.] You're my best friend. I love you.

Edited 2017-02-05 07:02 (UTC)

[It's not really a surprise to hear those words, though idly Mikleo wonders if it ought to be. They've said it many times in so many different ways throughout their lives, not explicitly but through their actions and shared experiences, the way they could exchange a single look and know the other's thoughts or move in tandem, the way their secrets were few and their joys many. Love isn't something new or developing between them but simply is, a state of being that doesn't really need to be said but is, he knows, something that people hunger to hear. It's why he'd lamented, the day he'd turned, not trying harder for Sorey's sake. Why Sorey had responded through voicemails to a dead man that he'd never needed to.

He's always known. Sorey has always known.

"I love Sorey," he'd said as an infant, still learning to speak, rocking a tiny crib with an equally-tiny baby within, only a year younger but half his size. Sorey was too young to remember it but seraphim live by moments, not memories.

I love you, he'd said by following Sorey out of Elysia for a girl they barely knew, to see the world, to change their lives. I love you said Sorey's returning smile, relieved and overjoyed to not be separated.

I love you had been in their eyes as they renewed their partnership, as Sorey called to his soul and they joined together into the armatus form without hesitation or uncertainty, fighting as one like it was the most natural thing in the world, a thrum of power and bliss that left them both feeling, in sync, ah, this is how it's supposed to be.

"Love you, Mikleo," had been a voice in his ear that had left him gutted, devastated, broken and weeping on the floor for everything he'd lost and regained in such a short span, knowing Sorey was alive and safe and missing him, missing him terribly, loving him and still living despite his absence. "I want to live up to your belief in me." He hadn't wanted Sorey to make that his answer but his heart had pounded painfully in his chest to hear it, to have left such an impact on the life of one he held so dear. I love you had been the thought curled around his mind like a stormcloak as he fell asleep, listening to the sound of Sorey's heartbeat, feeling his chest move as he breathed.

I love you he had whispered softly into the wind near the ruins back home, his face close to Sorey so the words would be for them alone, and the wind heard "Luzrov Rulay" but his heart knew what he really meant. I love you had been in Sorey's voice when he gave his true name back to him after they found one another again.

I love you Sorey says, here and now, and Mikleo isn't surprised at all.]

...I know.

[He'd always known.]

Me too. Me too...

[Sorey had always known.]

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Jan 3rd - Broadcast

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