driftfleet | Open. Mingle post for the Tourist!

Hey. [Softly. Looking into his eyes.]

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. There are still hard days, but I have you. I have so many friends and our crews. We have these moments even if they never feel like enough.

[ it's the hard days he fears, days of thinking back that it wasn't enough. he knows, they always tell him - you can't live that way - and he tries to push it back, but then it just floats back up because it's not a solution.

there's only one solution and that's winning but he has no idea how to do that. he's never not had any idea how to approach a problem, not after this long. but accepting defeat is losing the will to get up in the morning.

he searches for words, but none come to him. he wants to trash the room and scream and curse but that's not gonna do any good either so he just keeps lying there, holding her tight, tears streaming from eyes that look away from hers. ]

[Is she making it worse? She holds him and kisses his cheek, wet with tears. She doesn't want to lose him at all. Ever. She especially doesn't want to lose him like this. To watch him sink away, broken by a life too hard to bear while she can't do anything to bring him out of it.

But she takes a breath and reminds herself to keep walking. Reminds herself that Winn is strong enough to love her. They'll get through this. And the next one. And the next.]

[ how many nexts til his breaking point? how many nexts until he does something crazy and desperate? how many nexts until he becomes what he fears most - his father's son? it feels like he's being set on a path he can't escape, only delay.

he'll get up tomorrow. he'll find something to smile about - his friends, his little projects. and then he'll lose someone else. and he'll get up the next day with one less thing to smile about. is it just going to keep happening over and over until everything is stripped away from him?

that's not what happened to kitty. she lost everything. and then again. and again. and now it's happening again, one person at a time - and she's not falling apart, she keeps going, she keeps loving. maybe he can do that too, keep going until they tire of trying to break him and send him home, making him one more person whoever's left behind have to get over and keep going without.

that thought doesn't do much for him.

but another does - a memory of sitting side by side with jim, on a fake beach, a few days before christmas, feeling sad and homesick and telling his friend clearly and coherently exactly what he needs - to let it out. if he doesn't want to be consumed by this misery, this hopelessness, he needs to let himself feel it, express it, so he can move on from it.

giving up only helps the atroma, and he's definitely not in the business of doing them any favors.

so he shifts to rest his eyes against his shoulder and lets himself cry, really cry. ]

[She feels a strange sense of relief when he starts to sob like this. It hurts, of course. If she could just remove pain from him she would. But she can't help but think this will be cathartic for him. He holds so much in and when it comes out it's so often anger which scares him and sets the cycle even more firmly in place to hold it in. Maybe this will be more healing for him. She holds him, gently and slowly touching just to let him know that she's with him. She'll be with him in his heart and he in hers even if someday they get separated too. Maybe it can feel just a little less lonely that way.

After some time passes she starts humming a low, soft tune. It's not KISS. That is going to be their song though if they aren't careful. Maybe it already is. No, this is just a half made up, half remembered sort of melody.]

[ he reaches for tissues throughout it, blowing his nose and throwing them to the floor - he'll clean up later right now he can't be bothered to care about anything, not even if he's being gross. there's just crying and kitty and crying.

little by little, the tears start to fade, like someone's fixed a leak or maybe he just emptied up his reservoir, and he just sniffles, listening to the sound of her voice, focusing on the sound of her voice.

she's still here. he's still here. does he want to waste what time they have together fretting and spiraling and working himself to an early grave? if he loses her, he'll regret it for the rest of his life. but if he wastes this precious time with her, he'll regret that, too. he has to find some way to keep a cool head about this.

he presses a soft kiss to the top of her head. ]

[For Kitty's part she doesn't seem to mind the tissues at all. It's all part of how things work and she's here for more than just presents and sexy fun times and cuddling cuteness. She wants to be in his life and this is part of life.

She gives him a gentle, fleeting smile at the kiss and returns one on his temple.] Hey you.

Hey.

[ his voice is rough and choked up and tired - but it's a better tiredness. ] So that was a thing. [ he doesn't really know what to say ok, he knows she doesn't want to hear him apologize and it's all he's got. ]

It looked like you needed it. [She smooths a finger gently over his cheek where those tears of have been streaming.]

Yeah, guess I did. [ he pauses, biting down on the stupid guilt that always accompanies him getting what he needs. ] Thank you.

I'm glad I was dropping off my new fuzzy pajamas so I could be here for you. [She hadn't been looking for him.] Thank you for trusting me with it. [Kissing his cheek.]

Haven't seen it yet but I'm already a fan.

[ he tries to crack a little smile, clears his throat and presses his sleeve to her moist hair, drying it a little. ] All we need is a little shampoo and you can skip the shower tonight.

Ice planet people make great fuzzy pajamas. [Very warm. She smiles back.] We've really cracked the code on conserving water on the ships.

[ sounds like something he could use ] Not sure it's a viable solution, I could empty out a couple bottles easy now.

[If only that had been one of the many gifts she got him. She hadn't really meant to get anything for herself, but they looked so cozy.] I guess we can explore other options then. But for right now, I think this was good. [Just loves him so much.]

[ it's all good, he got himself fabrics he'll make his own. ]

I dunno if I'll go that far but it was necessary. [ he hates crying. he hates crying in front of people even more. ]

[She knows that feeling. She really does. It just doesn't fully apply to Winn or Kurt anymore.]

Necessary is something. I could go get you a wet washcloth and towel from the bathroom if you want. [She doubts he wants to go out looking so recently cried out.]

m'good.

[ stretching his arm -- he picks up a bottle of water he keeps by the bed and half empties it in one long gulp. hey, at least it's not just alcohol he keeps on hand? ]

[She readjusts against him once he's done with the drink to better snuggle. Not saying anything because there's not much to say. She's just content to be by him and to listen if he wants to talk.]

[ he feels too empty for words, and crying fits this major are also exhausting so after about 10 minutes of silence, the only sounds he makes are soft breaths as he falls asleep. ]

[It wasn't exactly time for bed, but she wasn't going to move and disturb him either. And after a little while of listening to the sound of his breathing she falls asleep too.]

Open. Mingle post for the Tourist!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject