3. Unicorn Mea-Tina

[continuousgroaning]

Who: Tina Belcher and you
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Paisley
When: March 2nd

[Tina is humming a small tune to herself when she turns on the broadcast; there's a crate on the floor of the Paisley's cargo bay labeled "TINA BELCHER" on the floor, which she displays before turning the camera on herself.]

Uhm, I found this on my ship this morning and I assume it's one of those sponsor gifts so I thought I'd do a little unboxing video since it's my first one. I wonder what's inside? Let's find out.

[She resumes humming as she opens up the crate. There's a stack of cans inside, which from the top look rather like cans of Spam.]

... did they really send me a bunch of Spam? I'm not sure I'm going to eat any of it, but okay... [Frowning, she picks up one of the cans, then lets out a horrified gasp, for the label reads-]

CANNED UNICORN MEAT?? Who would... why would...

[The groan that issues from her mouth before she cuts off the broadcast can probably be heard throughout the ship. Sorry, Paisley.

If she or any of the crew ends up actually opening the cans, some of them will have plush unicorns inside, like the linked product, while others will have Floot Brand Potted Meat Food. It's labeled as being halal, but does it contain actual unicorn? The world may never know~]

Comments

[spacebro]

Then this seems like an aggressively bad gift for you.

[continuousgroaning]

I know! Did they just not pay attention to my interests when they grabbed me or something?

[spacebro]

Well, if the Atroma sent it then they probably want the biggest reaction so maybe they were being jerks on purpose. Which is not great. [Especially because you look very young. Not that he can be too surprised with Takeshi as his captain.]

[continuousgroaning]

... well, if that's the case, I played along pretty well, didn't I? Damn. I was determined to be as boring as possible.

[spacebro]

Why would you want to be boring? You get more money for being interesting. [#priorities]

[continuousgroaning]

I keep hoping that if I'm boring they'll get tired of me and send me home.

[spacebro]

Ooooh. Has that ever worked?

[continuousgroaning]

Not that I know of. But then again, a few weeks isn't a long time for the audience to get to know me, so to speak, so maybe it'll still work. ... I'm not holding out hope that it will, though, frankly.

[spacebro]

I didn't want to be here when I arrived either. I'd still rather go back, but it's not so bad.

[continuousgroaning]

I was lucky to get paired with a good crew... I like them and they've been really nice to me. I just miss my family is all.

[spacebro]

Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

[continuousgroaning]

13.

[spacebro]

That seems young to be kidnapped. Not that there is a good age for it.

[continuousgroaning]

Well, and I'm... pretty ordinary, I guess. I go to school, I work in my dad's restaurant, I hang out with my brother and sister and that's more or less my life. I'm not really star material.

[spacebro]

[That life is so different from his life.] I think they like a variety here. But maybe that's not what you want to hear?

[continuousgroaning]

[Tina sighs.]

Not especially. But that's not really your fault, either. If I could just talk to these Atroma people...

[spacebro]

You're probably not going to want to hear this either, but people like the Atroma who use other people don't care what they have to say.

[continuousgroaning]

Then why did they bother grabbing us? They don't talk to us or care about us at all... what DO they do for us?

[spacebro]

We must be...entertaining. Even when we try not to be? [This feels like a rough thing to be telling someone so young.]

[continuousgroaning]

They must've thought this [vague gesture to the unicorn meat] was funny or something, too.

[spacebro]

You think maybe they were trying to liven your scenes up?

[continuousgroaning]

Could be. Like, if I wasn't going to play along, they gave me something they KNEW would get a negative reaction from me.

[spacebro]

I guess it worked. Sorry.

[continuousgroaning]

I'd like to tell myself I won't let it happen again, but... it probably will. Some things I care so much about, it's hard to NOT have some kind of reaction to them.

[spacebro]

Do you really want to go through life without reactions?