3. Unicorn Mea-Tina

[continuousgroaning]

Who: Tina Belcher and you
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Paisley
When: March 2nd

[Tina is humming a small tune to herself when she turns on the broadcast; there's a crate on the floor of the Paisley's cargo bay labeled "TINA BELCHER" on the floor, which she displays before turning the camera on herself.]

Uhm, I found this on my ship this morning and I assume it's one of those sponsor gifts so I thought I'd do a little unboxing video since it's my first one. I wonder what's inside? Let's find out.

[She resumes humming as she opens up the crate. There's a stack of cans inside, which from the top look rather like cans of Spam.]

... did they really send me a bunch of Spam? I'm not sure I'm going to eat any of it, but okay... [Frowning, she picks up one of the cans, then lets out a horrified gasp, for the label reads-]

CANNED UNICORN MEAT?? Who would... why would...

[The groan that issues from her mouth before she cuts off the broadcast can probably be heard throughout the ship. Sorry, Paisley.

If she or any of the crew ends up actually opening the cans, some of them will have plush unicorns inside, like the linked product, while others will have Floot Brand Potted Meat Food. It's labeled as being halal, but does it contain actual unicorn? The world may never know~]

Comments

[spacebro]

[My that is quite a groan you have there.]

What's a unicorn?

[continuousgroaning]

Uhm, they're like horses but they have a horn on their foreheads.

[spacebro]

And they...are not meant for eating, right? [Using context. How's he doing?]

[continuousgroaning]

No! Well, some people do eat horse, I guess, but I'm not one of them! I love horses!

[spacebro]

Then this seems like an aggressively bad gift for you.

Voice;

[save_the_souls]

What?

Oh be careful with that. My ex killed a unicorn once, and it brought a curse upon his entire kingdom.

Voice;

[continuousgroaning]

But I didn't kill them!

Voice;

[save_the_souls]

I know! But who knows what eating them will do!

Just be careful!

Voice;

[continuousgroaning]

I took a closer look at the can and it says "Floot Brand Potted Meat Product". It doesn't specify if there's actual unicorn in it...

Voice;

[save_the_souls]

[....]

Airlock it. It's the only way to be sure.

video

[experiencepoints]

[Okay. Tiny child here. Tiny child is freaking out, so should probably be comforted.]

Don't worry, it's definitely fake. They're probably just messing with you.

After all, unicorns don't leave corpses, so they definitely can't be canned.

[nailed it]

video

[continuousgroaning]

Oh! [Tina actually looks relieved at that, so good job.] I thought something seemed off about the idea of killing unicorns just to can them in the first place, but since they're not real where I come from, I wasn't sure...

video

[experiencepoints]

[success! She nods.]

They're a species of monster, so when you kill one, the body dissipates. The most that gets left behind is their horn, and even that's rare. The Atroma probably just faked that to upset you.

video

[continuousgroaning]

Monsters? Really? Well, I guess a horse with a horn is a little monstrous... [She sighs.] And I played right into it. I took a closer look, and the cans say it's "Floot Brand Potted Meat Food", so maybe it's closer to protein gel.

video

[experiencepoints]

It probably is... That might be even worse than unicorn meat.

[she hates that gel so much.]

vidja.

[collegedropout]

Oh... Yikes.

I didn't know unicorns were a thing here in space.

vidja.

[continuousgroaning]

I only WISH there were real living ones. But the can doesn't say if there's actual unicorn in it, so who knows?

vidja.

[collegedropout]

Huh, well... I've seen an imaginary friend who looked a lot like one?

And one time, a kid accidentally brought one to life. So I guess I've seen at least one real living unicorn.

vidja.

[continuousgroaning]

I'd love to see a real unicorn! But I've only rarely even seen horses... and I definitely didn't want them to come to me in cans.

vidja.

[collegedropout]

Yeah, not the best way to meet them.

Maybe we'll run into a planet completely ran by unicorns.

voice;

[stefanged]

[He only paid attention to one thing - that neat little green logo with Halal:]

Huh. I didn't realize I could eat unicorn.

voice;

[continuousgroaning]

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[However, that makes the groaning stop.]

... what do you mean?

voice;

[stefanged]

Check the label. If an animal's killed within Islamic guidelines, then it's "halal" or "permissible."

voice;

[continuousgroaning]

Oh! Well, uh, it was nice of Atroma to think of you, then. ... you know, if eating canned unicorn meat is your sort of thing.

voice;

[stefanged]

I mean, it's really not, but.... they're considerate? I guess?