driftfleet | 3. Unicorn Mea-Tina

Who: Tina Belcher and you
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Paisley
When: March 2nd

[Tina is humming a small tune to herself when she turns on the broadcast; there's a crate on the floor of the Paisley's cargo bay labeled "TINA BELCHER" on the floor, which she displays before turning the camera on herself.]

Uhm, I found this on my ship this morning and I assume it's one of those sponsor gifts so I thought I'd do a little unboxing video since it's my first one. I wonder what's inside? Let's find out.

[She resumes humming as she opens up the crate. There's a stack of cans inside, which from the top look rather like cans of Spam.]

... did they really send me a bunch of Spam? I'm not sure I'm going to eat any of it, but okay... [Frowning, she picks up one of the cans, then lets out a horrified gasp, for the label reads-]

CANNED UNICORN MEAT?? Who would... why would...

[The groan that issues from her mouth before she cuts off the broadcast can probably be heard throughout the ship. Sorry, Paisley.

If she or any of the crew ends up actually opening the cans, some of them will have plush unicorns inside, like the linked product, while others will have Floot Brand Potted Meat Food. It's labeled as being halal, but does it contain actual unicorn? The world may never know~]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah, not the best way to meet them.

Maybe we'll run into a planet completely ran by unicorns.

If that's the case I'd have to get rid of these long before we land. The label says it's just Floot Brand Potted Meat Food, but that doesn't tell me whether or not there's unicorn in it.

I can't imagine our trip'd go to well, if they thought we ate them, yeah...

I'm sure they're just messing with you. [Hopefully.] These sponsor drops are their way of screwing around and making us mad, anyway. I don't often see any that actually make people happy.

Which kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it? If the whole reason they give us stuff is so we'll use it on camera, you'd think they'd send us stuff we'd like.

If only. They like to get a rise out of people because the audience enjoys us being annoyed, I think. That, or there's no actual audience and they like to mess with us for their own personal amusement.

I sure would like a nice drop, though.

What would your dream drop be?

I'm not sure whether or not there's an audience yet. I feel like both sides have good points, and if we aren't here for a reality show, well... the big question is why.

Hmm... I guess a real horse would be a bad idea on a spaceship, wouldn't it?

Probably not the best place, no.

Unless you don't mind cleaning up horse poop.

I don't especially like it, no. And there would be noplace for the horse to run, which would be awful.

Yeah. Got to let them run and be free, and all that.

Maybe you could find a miniature pony?

[He's just tryin' to make you feel some hope in the universe, Tina.]

That would be my dream gift. Or, like, a dog-sized horse. I couldn't ride on it, but it would be a good pet.

Yeah? And what's the name of this fearless dog-sized horse owner?

Tina. I've loved horses ever since I was a baby.

Tina, I'm Sam.

And... A baby, huh? Sounds like you figured yourself out pretty quickly.

Good to meet you.

My dad has a picture of me riding on a carousel as a baby. I looked pretty happy, even though the carousel horse has a huge growth or something on his neck. I named him Mr. Goiter later on.

[Snerk.]

Mr. Goiter still going strong?

The carousel got torn down. I tried to save him- well, my sister did, anyway, by bike-locking me to him- but the workers just cut me loose, so it didn't work. I got to keep Mr. Goiter's head, at least.

[child you are too much]

... Wow, you do like horses. Did you have any imaginary friend ones?

Mmhmm. His name is Jericho. [There's 100% sincerity there.]

[He smiles.]

Oh, yeah? Mine's Sully. Got to see him again recently; it was a, uh, nice surprise.

What's this Jericho like?

We were stranded on a desert island together, and I was the only person who could tame him. Now we're good friends and I talk to him about my problems sometimes.

Wow, wait. How the heck did you end up on a desert island?

Well, it wasn't real, of course. Just in my imagination.

[He shrugs, smiling.]

I don't know. Your imaginary friend might not be so imaginary.

He could be a zanna.

[That gets a confused headtilt.]

... a what?

A zanna — basically, what imaginary friends are. They're guardians to children and come to help them when they're in need of advice or guidance. They can be seen by whoever they want, so they're often invisible to everyone but kids.

vidja.

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