driftfleet | Heron Mingle

[ it troubles her how right he is -- not for the facts themselves, but that they should be so easily deduced. either history is too telling of her affection for the man, or the man himself has worn too much of his heart on his sleeve. and for a long time she couldn't figure out why sam should know what he knows. peggy's met others from the future; they didn't catch on to the depth of her connection to steve quite so readily as sam has. she can't believe it's only because of his profession.

so why?

but then it clicks. 2016, and the sharp nature of sam's concern. he would have been privy to the grief surrounding what will, one day, be her funeral. and in that wake she suspects even steve might show a bit too much of an old flame they might both have otherwise kept buried. she tilts her head -- inquisitive, hungry, but unwilling to toe that line just yet. silently, she wonders if he was there. ]

You understand why it would feel a great deal like a betrayal. [ she counters, although it's not an outright refusal. ] I see what I see because I'm allowed to see it. Not something I care to risk.

[Peggy's death is, in Sam's mind, something of a catalyst for the whole mess surrounding the Accords, for Steve's emotional turmoil over that time. He has a few guesses, but only time will tell if he's right - and maybe not even then. Too many emotional blows in sharp succession, too much pressure, one friendship strained to breaking-

Sam isn't sure he would've been able to hold himself together. He doesn't blame Steve for it, he just wants his friend to accept that there's something wrong, that he needs help.]

I know it does. I'm not going to confront him with anything; whatever you decide to tell me will just be between the two of us. Hell, I'm not going to confront him at all, because you know what he's like if you try to do that. He just digs his heels in and gets even more stubborn about it. I just want to know, that's all. To fill in the blanks that I missed, and go from there.

Whatever I might say doesn't need to get back to him for it to remain a betrayal. [ simply saying some of what she could say -- revealing some of what she could reveal -- might cross a line she isn't prepared to cross. what passes between steve and peggy these days persists in a particular kind of bubble: the sort that exists outside of time. their congress here won't come again, not as they know each other now.

it's freeing; she and steve are at liberty to say things to one another they mightn't tell anyone else. on top of this, peggy carter remains a spy at heart. she cannot help but consider the currency of information. ]

I may be able to fill in a few of those blanks, as you call them. [ but not all. ]

Whatever you feel comfortable telling me.

[He'd never expected to hear all of it; Sam doesn't want to peel away all their intimacies and pry into their innermost secrets. He simply wants to know how Steve had dealt with the aftermath of the disaster at the Accords, in Leipzig and Siberia. How that might still haunt him.]

Let me guess, you want information? [Sam might not be a spy, but it's easy to figure out how Peggy's mind works.]

He's been my only source on what happened.

[ for reasons that should be obvious, she hasn't pumped barnes for information. and getting information out of natasha can sometimes be like pulling teeth. peggy hasn't opted for any sort of hard interrogation of steve and what he'd went through -- for once, she's been patient. letting him tell her as he needed. ]

And it goes without saying that he is plenty biased.

[Sam rises to pour them both mugs of coffee, now that it's done. He looks around helplessly, and-]

I'd ask if you want cream or sugar, but I don't have any idea where anything is.

[But she seems familiar enough with the vessel that she probably does.]

Oh, I'm biased, too. But I'll talk as much as you want me to, fill in whatever I can.

[ -- therefore, she rises as well. peggy rubs her hands together and gets to hunting through the cupboards. normally, barnes manages to be a decent host but she's learned a thing or two about how the kitchen's arranged. ]

Unless they've lately managed to barter with another ship, I think they -- ah, yes. [ she grabs some sugar substitute. it's vile, but without a cook on board they won't find anything better. the same can be said of milk. ] Perhaps I should have brought my own.

[ but it'll have to do. frankly, it can't really make the coffee worse. ]

This isn't typically a problem back on the Starstruck. I don't take anything in my tea -- but coffee's a whole other story.

[ she prepares hers somewhat to taste before returning to the table. ]

Sam. [ let's just jump into it. ] Why did you oppose the Accords?

[Sam tastes some of the sugar substitute on a fingertip, makes a face, but adds it into his coffee anyway. It can't be worse than most of the coffee he'd had in the service, anyway.]

You know, I wouldn't have even had to sign it if I'd agreed to hang up the wings. I'm not an 'enhanced human'. But making them register, trying to control their travel? That's bullshit. For me, it wasn't about making sure the Avengers could do what they needed to do, it was about rights, about treating people like they're goddamn human beings. Humans fuck up, enhanced or not. That doesn't mean the ones who are need to be treated like threats. Someone who wants to blow people up on purpose is gonna try to do it, whether they have superpowers or not - and they sure as hell aren't gonna submit to any regulatory body.

[ some of this comes as a surprise to peggy. not that he should be so spirited on the subject, but rather that these were regulations associated with the accords in the first place. she'd only ever got the broad strokes of the legislation -- it hadn't been what steve had needed to most talk about, in the aftermath. and this is precisely the sort of additional information she'd needed.

she nods, takes a miserable sip of her miserable coffee and looks utterly miserable about it, and then continues onward. ]

Now tell me why you think he opposed them? Why really?

[ all those reasons are valid. and she knows without asking that steve would agree with all of them. but she knows they weren't the real fuel on the fire. peggy thinks she knows, but she'll ask sam's opinion first. ]

Because Steve was just as likely to listen to some idiots at the UN as he was to whoever was in charge of him in the Army, or Nick Fury. He talks about being a soldier, but you and I both know he didn't have the discipline to succeed in the normal chain of command. Steve does what he thinks needs to be done, damn the consequences, and damn actually thinking about it ahead of time. Which isn't to say that he isn't damn good at succeeding at it, just that it isn't always the smartest way to do things.

And being controlled by the UN? You'd better believe that was politics, and Steve doesn't play that game, either. He thinks that being enhanced by the serum gives him the responsibility to protect and help people, and he does that how he sees fit. And he's not wrong, and lord knows I agree with him on that aspect of the Accords, too.

[Sam sighs, and takes a long drink of his shitty coffee, leaning against the cabinet.]

But in the end, it all hinged on Bucky. The Accords would've prosecuted him - would've killed him, first, if we hadn't gone to Budapest to help. [Well. Bucky probably would have escaped and survived without them. Sam's not sure on that one.] So Steve set himself against them, because he wasn't gonna let anything or anyone harm Bucky. And, God help me, I followed, because that idiot needs someone with a brain by his side.

[ the absurdity of it all hits her hard and fast -- she, too, broke rank once upon a time to support steve bloody rogers flouting the chain of command just to drag barnes's ass back to safety. the dressing down she'd received in the wake of that insubordination had been harsh, and likely well-deserved. at the time, she'd argued with the colonel philips that she'd had faith.

faith in steve, faith in his determination, and faith that there were some moments where action must be taken outside the brass's purview. it's a faith she's taken with her beyond the war. it persists, even now, as she considers both the ssr's fate and what will eventually become shield. ]

I saw Steve the night he returned from that mission -- the one where we lost Barnes. [ her tone is tight; guarded. there's nothing about this she likes but maybe it'll fill in a blank. ] He'd found this bombed-out pub. All ruin and ashes. And he was sitting in the middle of it with a bottle of booze that was never going to work. Not like he wanted it to.

There are two people Steve's world revolves around. [Sam sits down again, fingers wrapping around his mug of coffee.] You and Bucky. The two people who knew him best before the serum, the ones who really know who Steve Rogers is, and not Captain America.

[It's a wall Sam's tried persistently to break through. Sure, he'd been a little impressed by the legend - who wouldn't be? But to him, Steve's just Steve, another guy in his squad. A brother in arms. He doesn't know if Steve understands that, though.]

So he was already emotionally compromised, [he's not mentioning why; if Peggy knows, then she knows, and if she doesn't know, then he won't be the one to tell her] and the possibility of losing Bucky again - losing him when he'd never even got him back in the first place? Pushed him over the edge. The straw that broke the camel's back, and Steve's one hell of a camel. He would stand between Bucky and the entire world if he had to, and he did. Wouldn't give up no matter what - I imagine, and this is strictly an unfounded guess, because he felt he already failed him once. He wasn't going to do it again.

[ 'emotionally compromised' -- what a mouthful for grief. peggy is forced to look away when he says it, a rare blip of honesty she can't quite sawllow. from that alone it might be easy enough to surmise she knows. and for however long, she's been living with the knowledge of when she'll die. why she'll die. who, indeed, will be there. most days, she's quite positive on the outlook: not many can boast making it to the ripe old age of 95. but then she's forced to reconcile what that loss might have done to steve, and everything is more difficult to stomach. ]

It's more than that. [ although perhaps sam's already begun to hit the nail on its head. ] I'd received and signed the reports myself. I -- I know what happened. And when I found him, he was already blaming himself. It took just about the last bit of eloquence I had in me to convince him otherwise.

[ to convince steve to give barnes the dignity of his choice. he damn well must have thought you were worth it. but then the rest of the war happens. steve gets frozen; wakes up; fails to fit back into the world. then there comes bucky barnes, alive after all.

and none of them -- not steve, not peggy, not the howling commandos -- had gone after him. even she shoulders some of that blame, today, knowing she'd put her name to that mia report. ]

What a terrible thing it must have been to learn his gut instinct had been right all along: perhaps, if things had gone differently...

[ a shake of her head. ] Steve has a lot of regrets. What happened with Barnes is only one of them.

[Sam reaches across the table when Peggy looks away, places his hand on top of hers. No matter what, the knowledge of your own death has to be a heavy burden to bear. There's a gentle squeeze, and then he withdraws again.]

I lost my best friend in combat. [And if there's the barest flicker of hesitation when he says 'best friend', well, Peggy might not notice. Might not think anything of it.] It was just a standard recon mission, same as we'd flown a thousand times before. But there were insurgents where we didn't expect them, and an RPG - rocket-propelled grenade - caught him in the chest. Nothing I coulda done, but I still blamed myself, 'cause it's the only thing you can do when you can still hear screams echoing in your ears. Took a lot of therapy to convince me otherwise. If I found out- well. I can't say I wouldn't have ended up like Steve.

[ in the wake of a touch she wished she might have avoided, red nails curl against the curve of her mug. she doesn't drink deep, nor often -- the coffee is more like an accessory than a treat. it's nothing personal; peggy simply isn't a very affectionate creature. ]

I'm sorry to hear it -- [ the loss, the pain, the blame. peggy understands a career (a life, really) marked by loss. it's a price she feels she's paid a hundred times over. and it never gets easier to stomach.

for her part, she won't tell what it was like the day steve 'died' and the moment she, too, had to confront the dignity of someone else's choice. that's the sort of story one takes to their eventual grave. ha. ]

For what it's worth -- [ despite her skepticism ] -- I'm glad therapy helped. It's not a burden anyone should be forced to carry.

[ -- if her answers sound a little too curated and revised, it's because they are. she's responding from the head and not the heart. ]

[And he's not going to push her past that. It's not something he needs to know, and some things ought to remain private. The heartbreak of losing a loved one is one of them. He hadn't planned on sharing what happened to Riley so early on in their acquaintance, but it seemed to fit in the conversation - and he doesn't expect heartfelt sympathy, not from someone he's only just met.]

No, it's not. But it seems like Steve never met a burden he didn't want to carry.

[Neatly deflecting the conversation off the awkward subject of himself and back onto Steve again.]

[ ah, yes. straight onto her awkward subject. it treads a little close to old conversations -- to wounds being stitched up by jarvis, lecturing her all the while on taking the weight of the world on her shoulders.

and then there's steve, ever-attempting to do much the same. ]

That's why he's got you lot. [ the avengers, or at least the ones who stuck by him. the colleagues and friends who stayed by his side in the aftermath of it all falling to pieces. ] A few more shoulders to help with the load.

[ a pretty thought; she knows it doesn't always work like that in practice. ]

[On the bright side, it's slightly less awkward than talking about herself?]

I would if he'd let me, but- [A shrug of those shoulders. They might not be as broad as Steve's, but Sam certainly appears more than capable in that department.] I can't do it all, either. Especially when he rarely lets me because he thinks he can do it himself.

-- The trick, Sam, is to be twice as stubborn as he is.

[ which (contrary to popular belief) is utterly possible. but perhaps only for peggy carter alone to manage.

and as quippy as the line feels, it's meant to convey something else: of those blanks sam wanted filled, concerning the aftermath with steve remembered what had happened? she'd been there; she didn't allow him to carry it alone. ]

Yeah, see, I max out somewhere around one and a half times.

[It's an admirable amount of stubbornness, and one that makes him respect Peggy (as long as she's not being stubborn with him). And he understands what she's getting at, to some extent. It eases some of his concern, but not entirely.]

So, you got any other questions you need answered?

None, for the moment. [ but she reserves the right to ask more in future, she supposes. peggy doesn't want to press her advantage too far too fast. they have, after all, 'just met'. ]

Now. [ she sits up a little straighter. time to pay the piper. ] What sort of blanks are you looking to fill? Be specific; I don't care for vague inquiries.

[ might as well be up front with him. ]

Hmm.

[Sam clasps his hands in front of his face, pressing his fingers to his lips as he thinks. Asking about how the emotional turmoil affected him physically seems too much like prying. Asking if Peggy thinks the memories are still causing trouble is too vague. Reading between the lines of what she'd told him provided a good bit of insight, but there's still more information to be gleaned.]

Going from what he told you, what do you think the catalyst for the events was, at least as it applies to Steve?

[It sounds like a goddamn essay question on an exam, not them talking about someone they both care for deeply. But Sam thinks the formal - almost clinical - phrasing might appeal to Peggy more than an emotional plea.]

[ by the card! peggy almost laughs -- watching sam pin down every avenue to duck and dodge. well, nearly every avenue. ]

I don't think it was ever just one. [ a puff of her cheeks. ] Mind you, I wasn't there. [ and in a flicker of grim humour: ] And maybe that was the problem.

But as far as I've been able to piece together, things were coming undone well before I -- well before he lost me.

[ rare hesitation. ]

You aren't wrong.

[Hell, Sam's been watching the cracks widen ever since he met the man, and been powerless to help, more or less. Oh, he does what he can, but most of that is simply being there, and there's a point where his presence just isn't enough.]

About both things. Lord knows we could've used someone with common sense to get both of them to stand down. Someone Steve would actually listen to.

[Although he's not completely sure that Peggy wouldn't have just dug her heels in right alongside Steve. She's stubborn, he can tell that much already - and knew that from Sharon's eulogy - but he thinks she probably would have seen the larger picture in a way Steve hadn't.]

I fear you give me too much credit when it comes to talking him out of anything.

[ -- peggy understands what sway she holds over rogers. how could she not? she'd been his compass, much as he'd been hers. a steady reminder of the human element; leaving indelible marks on her life. but she would never profess to have his ear so perfectly. god, she hopes she never would. his strength of opinion is one of the things she loves dearly about the man.

and, yes, there's always the possibility she might have merely taken his side. ]

Heron Mingle

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)