001; video

[wingedman]

Who: Sam Wilson
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Marsiva
When: Today!

Well, now, this is real nice, isn't it? [Judging by the dry tone of Sam's voice, it isn't.] Not that I was doing anything important back home, but it sure as hell beats being scooped up and used to boost ratings on some sort of intergalactic Big Brother. [And, muttered to himself:] I don't even wanna know what happens if you get voted off.

[Back in a normal voice:] So, I'm Sam. Earth, twenty-first century. Guess I'm stuck here for a few days, huh? On the totally not creepy uninhabited giant spaceship. Yeah, I can see the ratings skyrocketing already. This sure better not be some kinda horror show, 'cause I know the black guy's always the first person to get killed by the out of control robots.

-nah, just kidding, they never even have black guys in space to begin with, I'm safe.

[sam what r u even on about]

Also, this food sucks big-time. Come on, can't they feed TV stars better than this? Why couldn't I get trapped on Food Network?

Comments

[private]

[wingedman]

What, you didn't watch the whole conversation?

[Of course he did.]

If I'd got anything out of her, I wouldn't be asking you, would I?

[private]

[uprightness]

Some of it.

[ look he's just happy she's talking at all, it's a work in progress. ]

It's been a good year.

[ yes it's been going on for a year. yes, he's only been a year. yes, the math is telling. ]

We're both on the Starstruck, but she probably told you that.

[private]

[wingedman]

Mmmhm. You're her security officer.

[Sam tries really hard to make that sound like an innuendo, as lacking in innuendo as it is.]

So the two of you are...

[Fill in the blank, Steven.]

private]

[uprightness]

Used to be. She promoted me to First Mate a while ago.

[ and promoted him into her bedroom too, but that's a whole other conversation. ]

We are.

[ just fill it yourself, you meddler. ]

[private]

[wingedman]

Hey, she just said security officer, she didn't say anything about first mate. Maybe she just told you that to make you feel better about yourself. Or maybe she likes pulling rank on you. She seems like a take charge kinda gal, if you know what I mean.

[nO SAM WANTS STEVE TO SAY THE THING]

See, that's not a relationship definition, that's admitting that you're having mad kinky sex in space. Which you'd damn well better be with a woman who looks like that. I bet she gets off on tying you up - hell, I'd let her tie me up.

[private]

[uprightness]

[ oh jeez, he won't even dignify that with a - no, you know what. ]

You realize if she sees this, you're a dead man walking.

[ ... ]

Might still be, even if she doesn't.

[ ugh. ]

It's not like that.

[private]

[wingedman]

Or maybe she agrees with me because someone's an idiot with a stick up his ass- which is also something I could see her being into after about a minute of being vaguely horrified. Goes with her name, too.

[SAM WHO EVEN LETS YOU DO ANYTHING.]

Admit it, you just like women who could kick your ass. And if it's not like that, then I feel sorry for that poor lady and her vibrator - god, I hope someone's introduced her to vibrators.

[He'll just. Have a word with Nat about that.]

[private]

[uprightness]

[ he's about to actually say 'romanoff' but oh my god. ]

I am hanging up, Sam.

[ :| ]

[private]

[wingedman]

See, this is what happens when you make me fill in the blanks, you end up with pegging. You could've avoided this, Steve.

[all your fault]

[private]

[uprightness]

I am not taking responsibility for your space madness.

[ gone cray, nothing to be done. ]

[private]

[wingedman]

Do you even know what pegging is, Steve?

[GONNA KEEP ON PUSHING]

[private]

[uprightness]

I'm pretty sure that I can live another ninety nine solid years without knowing and they'll be hella good.

[ no, he doesn't and no, he doesn't want to know. gross. ]

[private]

[wingedman]

Or you might like it.

[SHRUG]

Man, you grew up Catholic, you probably don't know anything other than missionary with the lights off and the sheets pulled up. [Sam makes a tsking noise.] That poor, poor woman. She could do so much better.

[private]

[uprightness]

[ rolling his eyes. ]

Is there anything else you'd like to ask or is that it?

[ he won't tell now. on purpose. ]

[private]

[wingedman]

Nah, now I'm just going to imagine that the two of you spend all your private time playing checkers because you're too damn Steve Rogers to get into a girl's pants.

[Sam pauses for a long moment, and then-]

It's when a girl wears a harness with a dildo on it and fucks you, by the way. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

[MAXIMUM SCANDALIZED TIME]

[private]

[uprightness]

Thank you, Dear Abby.

[ hmph. ]

If only. You don't really get checkers out there. We do have a pinball machine.

[private]

[wingedman]

If I were Dear Abby, you might actually take my advice.

[But he's pretty surprised Steve hasn't even blushed yet.]

Uh-huh. So you spend a lotta time trying to get things into holes?

[private]

[uprightness]

Will I really have to call you back in an hour?

[ he'll do it, wilson. ]

ask a normal question and I might answer.

[private]

[wingedman]

When I asked a normal question, you didn't answer. That's how we got into this mess.

I swear I'm asking this for a totally unrelated reason [like his own potential sex life okay, it's legit] but do they have, you know, implants to prevent, uh, mistakes or something? Or do you have to find condoms in space?

[Okay mostly unrelated but also HE WILL FIND YOU CONDOMS IF HE HAS TO HE SWEARS TO GOD]

This is the kinda thing where you say you're asking for a friend, but, let's be real, I'm asking for me.

[private]

[uprightness]

No implants. The augments are bad enough. They sell these things.

[ in a startling variety, actually. ]

Every planet has them, weird as it may sound.

[private]

[wingedman]

Uh, why would that be weird? People are gonna get it on no matter where they are, Steve. Unless they're you.

[Dramatic eyeroll.]

[private]

[uprightness]

Wait 'till you see some of the aliens and then we'll talk again.

[ oh boy, he'll set you up with an alien girl JUST FOR THAT. ]

[private]

[wingedman]

Are we talking sexy aliens, or weird-ass Jabba the Hutt aliens?

[lOOK STEVE some of us are open-minded and not speciesist]

[private]

[uprightness]

You'll find out soon enough.

[ :D but alright, alright. ]

We live together, Peggy and I.

[private]

[wingedman]

[oh my god finally. Sam's not even going to make any (more) cracks about their sex life.]

So you're definitely an item, then.

[his tone implies that it's about damn time.]