driftfleet | Open: July Starstruck mingle log

Entry tags:

Open: July Starstruck mingle log

Who: Crew of the Starstruck and visitors
Broadcast: n/a
Action: Starstruck
When: July, post-calibrations

[July on the Starstruck is so bright, you gotta wear shades. Good thing everyone has a pair now! In other news, the first mate is in a coma, the captain is hella cranky, and the tunes now feature Lady Gaga and Queen.]

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[Everywhere is changeable, really. They get to enjoy what they have while it lasts. Or maybe Natasha is just very Russian that way.]

A few feelings. I'll consider it a victory you cop to that.

[ a victory! peggy laughs, at least. however mirthless a laugh it might be. ]

It's only that I don't see the need to get sentimental about it. If he had his way -- [ steve. but she trails off, mouth going dry. ]

Well. He'd have taken out a bloody full-page ad, I fear. Newspaper or none.

You know, he's not about that about everything. With Steve, he can be pretty private about things. Honest... but private.

[Natasha smiles a little as she points it out. He might not be as intensely protective of his feelings as Peggy is, and there's reason for that, but he can be awful shy.]

Something about you makes him want to celebrate.

There are plenty of things worthy of a celebration. [ a curt shake of her head. ] But -- that doesn't mean each and every little one needs bunting or champagne or announcements.

[ what she wants to say -- what she can't say -- is that what they've got is for them alone. no one else need peep in. ]

Not like I'm a champagne and bunting sort of girl either. [She says it dryly, because she's not unsympathetic. At least to some degree. Natasha's reasons and her execution both differ.] I'm just pointing out... it might not all be sentimentality.

Even if some people are awful soft at heart that way.

-- You're reading too far into it. Probably. [ her eyes narrow. and if she's sharp, now, then it's her mood talking. ] It's not been a point of contention. Not really.

[ not between her and steve. but perhaps between her and everyone else. ]

Could be. You're in a better position to know than I am.

[Natasha isn't about to turn it into an argument.]

If he wasn't content with the current arrangement, [ peggy adds, ] he would let me know.

[ she expects he would. steve is a lot of things, but he's no pushover. ]

You're the one who brought it up, not me. [And not Steve.] I just pointed out that it was a little strange hearing you say that some of us should enjoy love like that.

[ it all comes back to the fatalist quality of this place, and this situation. peggy hems and haws for a moment. ]

Arguably, what the Jarvises have is remarkably different to what -- well, to what most people have. Love or none.

[ she could love steve to her dying breath (and likely did) and she doubts it will ever come close to the kind of solid, dependable affection shared by those two. ]

Now, that might be true, but why compare? [Natasha is acutely aware that she might not be the person to talk to in this case, to give this type of advise. Life has taught her to keep her expectations low in a way that most people wouldn't (and shouldn't) have learned, especially when it comes to personal happiness. So she smiles and deflects by adding:] In this case, that seems a little bit like worrying you don't get off like those girls in porn. Just a little beyond what most of us are ever going to get.

[With the distinction that in the Jarvises' case, it's real.]

Doesn't mean we're not enjoying what we have just because it doesn't look the same.

[ a short, sharp laugh. unhappy, maybe, but laughter all the same. peggy shakes her head at the very notion of advice given. in the end, even now, no one else's opinion matters. not even those of close colleagues and friends. ]

Don't fret, Natasha. I'm not comparing. [ and then, deciding that perhaps throwing the other spy a bone might solve the matter: ] Believe you me, I've got no complaints.

[ in either department nat's broached. ]

Fret might be a strong word. Just trying to be a good wingwoman.

[Especially while Steve is still out cold.]

[ wingwoman. good lord, between her and sam -- well, peggy could know without all this winging about. her lip curls. ]

Slumber aside, he's doing just fine these days without a wing-anyone.

[ well. fine in relation to them, what they've got, and what they share between each other. the pair of them might be screwed up in a great many other ways. mostly, she has a habit of resenting what she interprets as meddling from the pair. ]

Well. Somehow I can't feel like I can be blamed for being concerned.

[There is a history there.]

I don't have all that many friends. Neither does Steve, really. Maybe when that happens, you end up looking out extra hard for the few you have.

A lesser person might be offended.

[ -- at least wherein natasha treads close to implying that steve's love life still requires any measure of being 'looked out' for. ]

Then I'll be grateful that I'm not dealing with a lesser person.

[ she throws a bone: ]

Should you feel the urge to step in and 'look after' things, then please don't. [ a beat. ] By all accounts, things between Steve and myself might be the only connection I've got that wasn't mucked up by some degree or another when we were all aboard the Marsiva. He's asleep, so he can't tell you himself, but he and I are just fine.

[ and that's true enough. ]

[Natasha sighs slightly; she recognizes the gesture, but in this situation they'll have different definitions of what constitutes being thrown a bone. But they're clearly looking for different things in this conversation, and Natasha figures at this point it's better to let it go at that.]

I wouldn't say the only connection.

[It seems like the most natural redirection.]

Fair enough. [ oh, but she's obstinate. ] Jarvis made it through rather unscathed. And there wasn't much in his I didn't already know about, bless him.

Advantages of already knowing someone. [Natasha considers how she should deal with that otherwise, and the option of finishing her coffee and excusing herself does cross her mind. But she doesn't know that that would be the best option in the long run.]

I hope that's not a hint we're not good.

[If they aren't, they might as well air it now. And if they are, or if Peggy says they are, then Natasha has opened that door. That's about all she can be expected to do.]

Well. We're hardly great.

[ -- dullish. in truth, they've arguably never been great. too prickly or too professional or too something or another. but it's got nothing to do with what she's seen from natasha's mind. of those sights, all she'd seen (however gruesome) had been unsurprising.

no, it's the raw vulnerabilities that bother her. the intimate moments. natasha and clint, natasha and fury.

or what she'd seen of that last conversation peggy held with steve. it turns her stomach to think, now, that others heard a word of it. ]

I have been great with maybe three people in my life. Far be it from me to make the perfect the enemy of the good.

[And Natasha's perspective is that it would be best for all of them to accept what they saw and move on. She's not comfortable with it. Not with any of it. But she's never been able to change the past.]

-- You know what I meant.

[ peggy counters, showing a blip of frustration that natasha should once again hide her argument in a too-literal take on her words. as though all meaning and position could be gleaned from a glib remark when, indeed, peggy means anything but. ]

Maybe I do.
[The feeling of frustration might be mutual, though Natasha tries to bury that spark. They're all tired. They've all been made vulnerable in various ways, and have various needs in the fall out.

But it's not every day Natasha intentionally tries to give a spy another opening to address her past, and it would be disingenuous to pretend the glib answers and redirection wasn't frustrating on some level.]

But the point stands. I'm not looking for great, Peggy. But if we're not good, I don't have the energy or the inclination to drag it out.

Open: July Starstruck mingle log

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