driftfleet | Tourist October Mingle

[During one of the times Wolfe walks into the medbay, Anders is pensive, more so than usual, and distinctly does little more than shoot Wolfe a small smile when he walks in.

It's not that he isn't happy to see his boyfriend, far from it, he just...happens to have something very specific on his mind. Something he knows he'll need to be the one to bring up. After a moment of fussing with the elfroot leaves he'd most recently harvested from the Twin Roses, he lays them all down and gives a bit of a sigh.]

Love...I think we should talk.

[Apparently, he was going to start this the second worst way he possibly could, short of saying 'so about Justice.']

[It only takes half a second for Adalwolfe to register that Anders has something singular on the mind. He has a specific look he gets when a thought takes hold and won't leave him until something is done about it. It puts a weight in the pit of Wolfe's stomach since it's hardly ever a good thought that brings that about and the weight drops another two inches when he opens his mouth and says exactly the thing you don't start a conversation with your love interest with.]

Oh Maker's mercy, you're leaving me aren't you?! I swear I'll pick up my socks!

[Okay, he doesn't actually believe that. It's the very worst case so he knows if Anders denies that's what he wants to talk about, anything else is a relief.]

Edited 2017-10-03 19:05 (UTC)

[Anders' smile widens affectionately and he looks back up at Wolfe.]

Yes, let that be your warning: I will surely leave you for your poor laundry habits.

[He huffed a laugh and went back to what he was working on.]

No, love. I want to talk to you about Justice. I wasn't sure if you knew he was here and then everything happened all at once and it's certainly obvious you two know of each other now.

[That's... only a slightly better topic and it turns the corners of Wolfe's mouth downward into a momentary frown before he resolves to be nonchalant and examines a box of bandaids, cotton balls, and the like to his left as if this isn't a conversation he never ever wants to have.]

Yes, I know he's here. What about him?

[He picks up a cotton ball to fiddle with, still trying to be casual but inwardly the very definition of tension.]

[Anders goes back to fussing with whatever is in his hands, choosing that over looking directly at the other mage; he didn't even tell Wolfe off for messing with things that ought to be kept sterile and un-handled.]

"What about him?" Love, just about everything? Anything? We haven't talked about him at all, I'd barely given this scenario a second thought as the idea seemed unlikely. A silly thought, perhaps, seeing as there's plenty of 'drama' to be found from this.

[He sighed and his hands stilled, though his expression stayed a practiced neutral.]

What...have you said to him?

Nothing of consequence. Frankly I've been trying to avoid him overall, though he wouldn't stop hovering when you were unconscious on the evac station.

[He replies maybe a bit more darkly than necessary.]

[Anders expression turns soft as he imagines the scene Wolfe was painting. Justice was still hovering, to a degree, Anders could only imagine how much worse it must have been before.]

Have patience. He's a spirit, he doesn't have as much experience with mortals and how fragile we can be. Other than witnessing things through the veil or in the Fade, I think possessing Kristoff's body was the first real brush with any of that he'd had in a truly mortal sense.

We're also the only friends he has right now, it doesn't surprise me he was worried, he hasn't had enough time to know we can be just as resilient to the things around us as we can be hurt by them.

[Hawke's reaction raises a flag in the back of the healer's mind, but he barely acknowledges it in the moment, thinking instead on his friend and the struggles he would now have to face acclimating to a whole new group of people.

Unfortunately, he didn't also consider those around who might need to acclimate to Justice himself.]

[We're also the only friends he has right now. We. Anders said we and Adalwolfe's first instinct is to aggressively deny that Justice is any sort of friend to anyone besides Anders and Riona. He doesn't follow that instinct, however. Nor the one that wants him to quip about Justice having to brush with a lot of things or turning into a worry demon or somesuch. That would be very stupid. No, instead Adalwolfe takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his nose, and breaths out slowly.]

I'm trying. I really am, you have to believe that. But he's not just any spirit, he's the one that--

[Ruined your life? Made it difficult for you to experience any joy without a side of guilt? Made it downright impossible to talk about certain things, important things, like blood magic or demons?

But Justice had also sort of brought them together, in some ways. Had turned Anders' attitudes to doing good for everyone, not just himself. The spirit had had a major hand in the man Anders was when Adalwolfe fell in love with him and Wolfe knows that despite his claims of trying, he hasn't given Justice as himself - not as he was twisted into Vengeance - a fair shake.]

I just didn't expect this. It's difficult to adjust to.

[That flag came roaring to the front of Anders' mind as Hawke spoke and Anders' expression took on that careful neutrality he carried when he wanted to monitor his wording. His stance was still, but with his hands on his hips, guarded but not closed off.]

The one that what? You can't honestly be holding him to something he doesn't even know is going to happen! He hasn't made that choice, he hasn't been backed into a corner, cut off from those who might support him. He needs understanding, not hostility.

[Anders goes cold and Adalwolfe just thinks of course. Because really, who would he be if he didn't try his best to say what he means and have it fall flat anyway? He wouldn't be Adalwolfe Hawke, that's for certain.

Maybe he should change his name to Garrett and dye his hair, maybe then he'd have better luck.]

That isn't what I meant, Anders. I know he can't be held accountable for Kirkwall anymore than you could when you first arrived. What I did mean was that I am having trouble not feeling that way regardless so I try to limit my time with him.

[He huffs out a breath and puts his hands on his hips.]

This isn't just about your spirit friend, is it.

[He was trying not to get angry, but there was a bite in his tone that he couldn't have denied if he'd tried. It was just...he thought Wolfe of all people might understand or would at least try.

Except he was trying, at least that was what he said and Anders had no reason not to believe him. And yet he was on the defensive at the mere notion Hawke might not be on Justice's side.

Wolfe's question isn't a question and Anders' eyes narrow and that defensiveness spikes again. Yes and no. He was taking this far too personally, wasn't he? And yet, it was like he didn't know how. He and Justice had been one for so long, having him separate now didn't make the feeling that an offense to one was an offense to both go away.]

No, it isn't, because it can't be with you, can it? He isn't his own person to you, just an affliction I carried with me; you love me in spite of him. [That wasn't fair. He wasn't being fair, he was lashing out because this whole thing wasn't easy and it stood so precariously, he needed Hawke's support in this. And yet Hawke couldn't just give it freely, not this time.]

He deserves a chance to show you who he is and be judged on that, but...in the end, it will still come back to this and the reason you can't give him that chance. He'll find out what happens in the end and then it'll be about me and him all over again. He won't...he'll need someone he can trust. [Someone that wasn't him, someone who wouldn't be the cause of Justice's pain in the end.]

I thought... [He sighed, the bite leaving his voice as his hand scrubbed down his face. That age-old voice whispered in his ear, his own and more vicious than any demon. He wasn't being fair when the whole thing was his fault anyway. From beginning to end, he was trying to balance scales that were too tipped by his own mistakes to fix.]

I'm sorry. I know it's beyond complicated.

Yes. It is.

[Wolfe's voice sounds flinty and cold and he hates himself just a bit for using that tone with his love, but even where Adalwolfe can see how Anders wants things to be, they aren't that way. They can't be.]

He tried to get into my mind, Anders. While you were passed out, he tried to just reach in and pluck out what we're hiding from him. He can't trust us, but we can't trust him either. Not when he's ready to go messing about in our brains for whatever he pleases.

[He holds up a hand, knowing Anders will want to interrupt him.]

I know he's a spirit and so he doesn't know all the boundaries of mortalkind, but this is serious. He's going to find out at some point. What do you think he's going to do when he finds out? I shudder to think.

[Anders is visibly surprised by the news that Justice had tried to reach into Wolfe's mind, but it fades as the logic of it filters in. Spirit-logic, at least.

He opens his mouth to say as much, but Wolfe beats him to it and steals the words from him. The spark comes back to his voice with the question and the spark travels into his expression to match.]

He will be scared and pained and angry. Neither of us knew what happened even could. Andraste's arse, at this point, the idea of even possessing a living being, willing or not, is abhorrent to him! He will be disgusted with himself and with me and he will likely feel betrayed that someone he trusted causes his worst fears to be realized.

But he's not a bomb, Hawke, he's not going to rip the fleet apart in his own pain, he would never endanger others like that. You say 'we' can't trust him, but I already do! With the exception of the Great Champion of Kirkwall, there's really no one else I trust more.

[It's a comfort to hear Anders say that in spite of his tone, that he still trusts Adalwolfe even though they're having this argument. It calms him, makes his chest hurt just a bit less to be fighting with someone he loves so dearly. This isn't going to break them, this isn't going to be something that makes Anders rethink his choices when it comes to him.]

No, I don't think he's going to explode, but he can go into our minds for every detail or he could crusade to make sure it never happens somehow. Spirits are single minded, they fixate. It may not be his fault - it's not anyone's fault, you were both trying to do good - but you can't say he would never endanger others. You can't even say that about us for Andraste's sake. It may not be intentional, but we still have to plan for damage control. You and Riona have to figure out how to tell him because finding out on his own could have horrendous consequences and we both know that even if you don't want to believe it.

[Adalwolfe runs a hand down his face, scrubbing at it for a moment in an effort to try and center himself.]

You know I'm not his biggest fan, but I do respect that you're friends, and I understand he's a large part of who you are. It's not a kindness to try and hide this from him forever. He already knows something is different.

[He knows, Maker, he knows all of this. And some of it helps to hear but some of it feels like steel slicing through skin with it's edge sharpened by frustration and painful truth.]

Why does everyone keep assuming I intend to keep it from him forever? I couldn't even if I wanted to, I know that better than anyone.

[His fingers rake through his hair, loosening the tie completely and practically yanking it out on the pass, but he barely notices as he picks up pacing, irritation radiating from him.]

I should tell him, yes, but how in the void would you recommend I do that? Do you understand what that entails? Imagine Aveline for me, Hawke. Imagine for a moment you knew for a fact her worst fear of her entire existence was going to come true. Imagine you were the only one who could tell her and on top of it all, you had to tell her it came from a place of trying to do what She most believed in. Imagine if you had to tell Aveline that following the law, protecting the people she's sworn to protect and trying to do what's best for them would lead to the ruination of everything she'd striven for. Everything she cared about, gone because she thought she was walking the right path. Whatever fear keeps her up at night will come true and there isn't a Maker-damned thing you can tell her to make it easier to bare.

[His pacing stopped and he rounded on Wolfe.]

Now you tell me how you'd break that news to her, tell me how easily the words would come!

Edited 2017-10-17 05:07 (UTC)

Everyone assumes that because you're going around trying to keep it a secret now. And Aveline is the sort of person where if you tell her news - any news, she wants the facts and then wants it to be her choice on what to do. She wants to know things as they happen no matter how bad.

[He looks at Anders calmly, not icily but certainly cooler than the spirit healer's heated frustration.]

I know that's not what you were getting at, but this doesn't have an analogy. Yes, it's difficult, but you can't treat Justice how you treat Aveline. Everyone is different, especially spirits, but what I can tell you is that having a friend break it to you gently is a whole lot better than finding out by rooting into someone's memories uninvited.

[He thinks for a moment, bringing his hand to his chin and stroking his beard.]

I wouldn't use the word demon, first off. And I'd emphasize how you both did all you did for the right reasons. Intent matters most with these things, we both know that. I would explain how in an effort to do good, you influenced each other in not the best ways, but you both just wanted what was right, and you did accomplish it, even if it was at a great cost. And it did change both of you in good ways too. Justice got to see the best and worst of humankind, and Anders, you care far more than you ever did before him. I don't know if you can see the more subtle changes in being in the middle of them but even without Justice inside you anymore you're still full of feeling that you can actually express, that you don't hide behind layers of worry that it can be used against you. As much as I'm still firm in the belief that you had to be separated for both of your sakes, I can recognize that you're a freer person for it in the ways that count.

[Gently, Adalwolfe pulls Anders towards him, resting his forehead against his love's and embracing him lightly.]

I'm afraid of him because of what he did to you, but I'm also grateful. I love you as you are and you wouldn't be this without him. If he's as close a friend as you believe him to be, he'll ultimately come to understand. He'll have to.

[At first, all he heard was a brush off, another dismissal just like so many others built up around him, only this one hurt all the more from Hawke's mouth. He bristles, his jaw clenching as though readying to say something but trying desperately not to just blurt out something harmful.

But then Wolfe actually stops and considers, and considers with about as much care as Anders would expect if Wolfe were trying to choose his own words for his own problem. It takes the heat from the healer and the tension eases. By the time Wolfe's arms are around him, their foreheads pressed together in an intimacy that blocked the rest of the world out, Anders is actually at a loss for words.

He doesn't want to belittle Wolfe's advice by pointing out that some of those factors would be hard to sell when Anders himself had a hard time believing them, so he lets that part go and tries to focus on the parts he could agree with.

They had certainly changed, he wasn't blind to his own differences. Differences that had stuck even with Justice being separated from him. But Wolfe was wrong about one factor in all of it.

Anders' arms wrapped around Hawke tightly, his eyes closing as he simply enjoyed having the man he loved with him.]

You're right. Thank you. I still do not think I have the words I'm looking for, but perhaps I never would. You are wrong about one thing, however, it wasn't just Justice's influence that has shaped me or made me a freer person. You deserve some credit in those things as well. I would have been a different man without your, perhaps foolishly given, love and support.

You're still calling it foolish after all this time? I've never had a truer love and I never will, you know. You're it for me, even with a spooky spirit corpse to content with.

[The tensions eased, he seeks to ease it further with a little humor and a lot of saccharin.]

It'll be alright, Anders. I can promise you that. Just try and be a bit patient with me.

[Anders gave a small smile, affection in his eyes even as an age-old pain tugged at the corners. Unless another version of them were brought in with the differences to display the results, they'd never know how Hawke's life could have turned out if only he'd ended Anders' life nearly four years ago or simply hadn't chosen the healer to share his life with.

With or without that proof, there was very little Anders could think of that would ever change his mind that Adalwolfe Hawke would have been happier loving someone else.]

It is foolish, love. Even if I would selfishly wish it no other way and thank the maker for your foolish choices, it does not change what they are.

That said...[His hands came up, one to curl behind Wolfe's neck and play a bit with the white strands there, while the other cupped Hawke's cheek, a calloused thumb brushing over the other mage's cheekbone.] You know I feel the same. My heart has always been yours and it always will be. Nothing in any universe could ever change that.

[He leaned in to brush his lips to Wolfe's, his words murmured into the breath between them.] I'm sorry. The very least you deserve is my patience when you've been so generous with your own.

[Anders receives a bit of a grumpy grimace for his sidestep of Adalwolfe's ongoing effort to finally convince Anders that he deserves love and isn't too much trouble, let alone that he should have died. That aches every time, every Maker damned time.

He sighs softly and decides to let it go yet again, to feel the love Anders seems to produce unceasingly for him with so little to spare for himself.]

It's alright. I know this is difficult. I sort of went through it with you when I first arrived, remember?

[He kisses Hawke again, the press a little harder, even as he smiles into it and continues to do so as he pulls away after a long moment.]

I remember. I also remember you sort of put your foot in it a couple times while trying, I'm not sure I should follow your example.

[This time Adalwolfe kisses back and its with gusto.]

Look, it's very difficult to resist your masculine wiles. If anything, you should be impressed with my restraint.

Tourist October Mingle

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