driftfleet | we're still wide awake

Entry tags:

we're still wide awake

Who: hawke & you.
Broadcast: n/a.
Action: literal hell planet.
When: today my dudes.

( a. ) planetside; HIDE AND GO SEEK.

[ To say Marian Hawke has been having a bad few days might be putting things a little lightly. She has a terrible few weeks, even a month! It's been one thing after another with little bright spots in between. Tiny little spots, practically swallowed by the rest of the shit in between.

Today is not exception. After having the wonderful idea of wandering off by herself Hawke has found herself in a pickle, one of many future pickles she is sure, a rather annoying one at that. Curled up in a tree, hugging her staff, watching as the four Vizeiri men comb the undergrowth for her. They're mad, she understands that, most people get angry when you throw a fireball in their faces but she had hoped they would have lost interest by now. Maybe the fireball made it personal, or maybe they're really hungry?

Either way she's stuck, unable to throw another spell or risk passing out from lack of mana, and to tired to physically put up a fight. ]

This was a terrible idea.

( b. ) planetside; DEAR CANNIBALS, I'M NAPPING COME BACK LATER.

[ Eventually there is no fighting off sleep. Mana deprivation, lack of sleep, exhaustion in her limbs, all of it slams into her like a tone of bricks. Any longer and she is like to pass out in the open and become some cannibals meal. So she searches for some sort of shelter, something to keep her safe from wandering Vizeiri or any other predators out there.

Unfortunately all she finds a small outcropping of rocks half hidden by some underbrush. Better than nothing right? It is by no means comfortable but she is so tired that she could barely care, crawling into the space and collapsing into a ball, staff held close to her chest. Sleep comes quickly, though not before she leaves a parting note, just in case:

DEAR CANNIBAL, MONSTER, OR OTHERWORLDLY BEING,
I AM VERY TIRED AND DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP
IF YOU TRULY WISH TO DEVOUR ME PLEASE COME BACK LATER
YOURS TRULY,
MARIAN HAWKE

Perfect. ]

( c. ) planetside; I'M NOT LOST, YOU'RE LOST.

[ Perhaps she was heading back with you to one of the crashed ship, or perhaps she was leading you to somewhere relatively safe. Whatever it was it has gone incredibly awry and she is now incredibly lost. She had marked that tree at least half an hour ago and she has passed it at least four times. Oh, this is bad, this is terrible. Being lost is always irritating but being lost on a planet full of cannibals? A hundred times worse, at least!

Frustrated Hawke plops down on a nearby moss covered rock, scowling at the ground. ]

This isn't my fault, I just want to let you know that in case we get ambushed by lunatics.

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[His hands tighten, the sharp points of his gauntlets digging into the flesh of his palms. He feels the pinprick pain but doesn't care, not just yet. He continues to stare at the ground. He's angry, for how she dealt with this. But he's just as angry with himself, for treating her so poorly to drive her to it in the first place. ]

I would have never sent someone to attack you if our situations were reversed.

[That's what hurts. He knows it's petty, being angry about how she dealt with it, but he is. He hates that is how she sees him. As something- someone so unpredictable and dangerous that she needed to set her friends on him first. ]

I understood I deserved it. I know I hurt you. I am already aware that what I did was a cowardly, selfish act. I hate myself plenty enough for what I did to you already. I didn't need-

[His voice catches, wavers, and he clams up. His arms move to wrap around himself, protective, not looking at her.]

It can't be as it was. I can't- I can't do that again.

I know.

[ Which makes her feel all the more worse. He didn't deserve that, no matter how much she had been hurt by it all, he didn't deserve what she did - not really. She should have gone by herself, shouldn't have had Cloud by her side no matter how much braver he made her feel. It was... It was the stupidest thing she could have ever done, and she now has to pay the price. ]

I was horrible, bitter and spiteful, all I could think about was how much it hurt me I couldn't consider─ [ How he felt; the guilt and anger that he must have had for himself. He's always been like that, for as long as she has ever known him. ] I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for it, I would hate me for it.

[ The laughter that comes is small, uncertain, her tone quiet. Her eyes sting and there is a waver to even her voice. ]

I know, it can't go back. [ A part of her wants it to, desperately, but that bridge has been burnt. ] I just─ I miss my friends, I miss my family. [ Her voice catches then and she has to bring a palm up to her face.] You're still family, Fenris. You always will be.

I don't hate you.

[For this, at least, he turns to look at her. There's surprise in his tone that she thinks that. But his expression is solid resolve- the absolute truth. ]

I could never hate you.

[His head drops again, not making eye contact, focusing on the floor. He tries to control his breathing, to remain calm and not just tear away from this. From her. It would be kinder to her in the long run. ]

I don't- I don't deserve that, Marian. [To be treated like her family. After all that. She's just lining herself up to get her heart broken again. Just in a different way.] You deserve better than that.

[ She laughs again, it is almost a sad sound that makes her feel like she is going to break all over again. The feeling gets worse when he looks at her, piercing through what little armor she has left. ]

No, I don't. [ It's only when she feels the bite of metal against her palm that she realizes she had taken hold of Varric's signet ring. ] I'm a terrible friend, a worst sister, and the shittiest Champion to ever live. [ Finger curl tighter around it and she breathes. ] I'm a screw up, but I'm trying and I─ I need my family. As selfish as it is you guys are... You're all that keeps me going.

You've never been those things, not to me.

[Which is...where a lot of the problems lay. He never felt enough for her- he always felt like he was struggling towards some greater ideal- a better version of himself he knew he would never be. He even knew a lot of it was in his own head, that he didn't need to be that way- but he felt it all the same. ]

I- [He hesitates, not sure how best to go on here. ] I am just afraid of hurting you again. More. I just- I fear I'll just continue making this more painful for you. That is why I have been avoiding you.

[ Not the him, not to the others, but she always felt it. Ever since her life started falling apart with the destruction of Lothering, ever since she watched her baby sister fall limp to the ground - a memory that still haunts her even to this day.

But, to hear him say that, brings her a little comfort. Even if she thinks of herself poorly, there are others out there who don't. Who care, who adore, who treasure her more than she will ever be able to treasure herself. ]

It'll be more painful if you keep avoiding me, Fenris. [ Her hand falls from her face as she looks up at him, her expression worn. ] What happened... I am a big girl, I'll get over it. But I can't lose you completely. I just can't.

I don't expect you to get over it. I was a coward and I should have told you how I felt.

[The guilt is there, solid and real. The honest hate he has for himself for all of that. He takes a few measured breaths, finally turning to look at her. ]

...If you are certain. I- I do not want to lose you, either. You still mean a lot to me.

You were an idiot, not a coward. But it doesn't really matter now, does it? I'll be fine.

[ It hurts still, sharp and vicious, but she can live with that, she has lived with worse and still does. Such is her lot in life. ]

Andraste's ass, of course I'm certain.

...I sincerely hope so. I am sorry for what I did to you, Marian. Deeply.

[He exhales. He can't manage a smile, not yet. But he relaxes a little- relenting. ]

Alright.

I know.

[ Exhaustion curls around her and all those airs she had put on crumble; it starts with a tremor in her fingers, a broken smile, and unbidden tears stinging the corner of her eyes. ]

Good, good. I'm... Maker's hair balls, I'm beyond glad. [ Oh shit, is she crying? She might be crying, a tear or two fall down her cheeks. She brings a hand up to palm her eyes, half trying to hide the tears. ] Dammit.

[Oh shit, she's crying. Fenris automatically reaches out for her, but his hand stops short of actually touching her. He hesitates, for a moment, before letting it drop to his side again, brow furrowed- not sure how to handle this now- with this new chasm between them. ]

Are you-

[No. Obviously. she's not alright. He drops his gaze to the ground again, unsure how to act. Torn between staying and trying to comfort her, or giving her her own space. ]

[ This is stupid, she is stupid, why is she even crying? It's as though all the things she had bottled up these past few months has come out at once. She laughs, hands trying desperately to keep the tears from falling with no avail, the sound almost broken as it is exhausted. ]

I'm─ [ Yeah, she isn't alright. She's a mess. ] Sorry.

[ It's only now that she realizes how terrified she had been of losing him entirely, of whatever bond they had left being cut off forever. She couldn't take it if that happened, if she lost yet another thing she loved. A friend, a member of her family, one more thing ruined by her own hands. ]

Haha, they won't stop...

[Fenris dithers, unsure of the best course of action to take here. He does, eventually, come to a decision, stepping forward and putting a hand on her shoulder. There there? ]

I...um. I'm sorry?

[This is largely his fault, after all. ]

...Is there anything I can do?

[ She doesn't expect the hand on her shoulder nor for Fenris to step forward, so she jumps when it rests there and looks up at him. Maker's breath, she must look stupid, she feels it, eyes already red from these stupid tears. ]

No, it's... I'm sorry. I guess I'm more exhausted than I thought.

[ A laugh, awkward, hands reaching up to try and wipe the tears from her face. It's been so long since she cried, years upon years, not since her mother's death. It's been so long that she truly doesn't know how to make it stop. ]

I don't know, you don't have to do anything. I'll be okay.

[ No, not really, but she's doing that thing again; putting on a brave face to hide the fact she's struggling to put herself back together. ]

Alright.

[He moves his hand and continues to stand there awkwardly. He's...really not sure how to proceed here, and honestly feels the ball should be in her court. She's in injured party, after all. Of course, he's never been good at filling the empty spaces with words, so it's awkward silent standing around all the way.

YOU SURE YOU WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN, HAWKE? ]

[ His hand is immediately missed as it falls from her and Hawke tries to center herself, tries to stop the trembling in her fingers and the hot tears in her eyes. She laughs, shaking her head, wiping more tears from her eyes. ]

Hey, um... [ Maker's bloody balls, why is everything so difficult? Why can't she just stop crying and go back to being regular old Hawke? You know, the "nothing is wrong but thanks for asking" Hawke? ] I know you're not... big on the whole contact thing but, uh─

[ A sharp inhale, a sob - she just wants this all to stop, wants the ache to go and the tears to just vanish into the air. ]

We're friends again, right? Can I have, uh, a hug? Just one. They were always kind of comforting, you know? Just one friend-hug.

[ Wow, could she have come off anymore awkward? ]

[The request surprises him, he honestly wasn't expecting it. He stands there for a moment, brow furrowed. ]

Um...certainly. If...that's what you want.

[He moves forward, hesitates, then opens his arms, pulling her into a...really stiff and awkward hug. He's never going to be good at these, Marian. He's the least comforting hugger ever. ]

[ It's stiff and awkward and she's more surprised that he was willing to do it, but at the same time it's comforting in a way that is difficult to express. Almost instantly she sinks into it, the trembling in her fingers dies down and tears slow.

He might have never been good at these but they still helped, there was something genuine in them - a caring that couldn't be forced, that couldn't be faked, and she always liked that.

It's Hawke herself who pulls from it first, after a moment of silence, calmer despite the redness on her face as the wetness in her eyes. She laughs again, reaching up to pat his cheek lightly. ] Thanks, that really helped. Who knows, you could be a professional comfort hugger some day.

[ Yeah, she's getting back to normal. ]

[He tilts his head into the touch, a small, sad smile crossing his face. He tries to press down how much this makes his heart hurt. He still cares about her, so very much. A part of him wants to throw caution to the wind, to pull her back to him and drop back into...everything with her.

But he knows it would be beyond unwise. It would trap them both, cage them into something that would ultimately make the both of them miserable. No matter how much you wanted something, sometimes things were just simply not built to last. You just had to make something more simple out of what you could. Make something salvageable...with less height to fall from. ]

Heh. [It's a soft exhale of a laugh as he shifts his head back. ] I think only the truly desperate would seek me out, though your faith in me is appreciated.

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we're still wide awake

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