driftfleet | [Semi-open] Stress finally takes its toll

Entry tags:

[Semi-open] Stress finally takes its toll

Who: Shiro and Ulaz, Shiro and you
Broadcast: No
Action: on Duotera (for Ulaz), the SS Blameless (open)
When: Throughout this week
Warnings for the Ulaz thread: Mentions of Shiro's year in captivity, possible mentions of torture, experimentation and losing his arm; Shiro having a panic attack with flashes of said memories.

1. Closed to Ulaz

[After a really, really shitty month, Shiro must admit it: Ulaz arriving has been a blessing for his mood. Part of him knows it's messed up that people are brought back from death, but it's not like he can do anything about Atroma's plans (yet, he hopes) and damn if he won't enjoy something nice actually happening to him for a change.

He already lost one "purple". Let him have the other.

They arrive to a nice system, too, which also helps, considering they're still waiting for the third dream to happen. One less thing to worry about. So the main issue in Shiro's mind now is... questions. So many of them. When Ulaz arrived, Shiro wanted to give the poor man time to settle down, so he kept himself in check. But he can't wait any longer.

So time to make a good use of the planets! Duoatera has a nice climate and beautiful hills, so Shiro invites Ulaz for a hike. With only nature (and Procyon of course) surrounding then, they can have a private and calm conversation while exploring. So here is Shiro now, near the hills area, dressed in a nice jacket and ready to go, dog sitting next to him like a good boy.

He smiles when he sees Ulaz approach.] Hey. I'm glad you came. Have you ever gone hiking before?

2. Open - SS Blameless

[Maybe you heard from Ulaz, or from Shiro's teammates, or his crew - or maybe you've just been wondering why Shiro hasn't been around much. But the story is only one: someone finally passed out from all the stress and is now stuck in bed. And hey, maybe you've also been wondering why that someone hasn't taken the captain's room when he's now the only captain of the ship.

Well, wonder no more! Because that's where he is now. You can thank the very tall and very strong purple alien for that.

They haven't moved his stuff yet, but Procyon (now quite bigger and with longer hair) is there with him, taking advantage of the bigger bed and taking care of his master at the same time. And Shiro does have his communicator and tablet, because resting isn't a word he knows of.

He's bored, alright.

So if you're visiting him, you'll find him going through documents on his tablet. Please stop him before stress starts going up again.

Or maybe you are just passing by for whatever reason, making your way through the Blameless' slippery hallways. Since the captain's room currently has the door open (you can also thank the alien for that), Shiro will see you walk by and take the chance to speak up.]

Excuse me, can I ask you for a favor, please? [He almost sounds... ashamed? To be asking this. He feels silly asking for little things he could be doing himself, okay.]

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I did inquire with one of the other members of the fleet about the weapons he had been making and he offered to make a sword for me.

[Ulaz is an enigma in case Shiro hadn't realized it. Probably most people would be happy to be alive, but there's a quiet neutrality to Ulaz's thought on it. Perhaps it was too many years as a spy within the Galra where the best way to do your work was to be off their radar or the Blade of Marmora who believed in the phrase "knowledge or death".

Maybe being around people who actually had more of an appreciation for life would help him realize that this was actually chance to start over]

It's good we are getting that chance. Things are different here than they were back home. You don't owe me. I'm sure you do have questions.

[Yes, he acknowledged that he had questions, but no offer to answer any of them]

Let me guess, you talked to Sokka? Good. You can trust him, and his abilities.

[Things definitely are different than they were back home, although Shiro has to wonder some times for how long they'll stay that way. Some of the planets they've visited are like creepy omens of an uncertain future with Atroma.]

I do owe you. And I'll owe more if you can help me with those questions, Ulaz. I need to know what happened to me during that year. Please. Do you know what happened to my arm? Do you know why Haggar told me I could've been her greatest weapon?

Yes, it was Sokka. He was selling some that he had already made so I did have a chance to look at the quality of his blades.

[And there it was: the inevitable questions. He had been sure that they would come at some point; he would have been more surprised to never hear Shiro ask those questions. But at the same time, as he stopped and turned to Shiro, he wasn't sure those answers would bring anything more than pain.

Besides, it seemed to have been rather staged at the moment. A hike in the woods to be away from everything, from someone possibly overhearing the conversation. Hardly seemed like a coincidence]

I do know the answers to those questions, but I don't think that you are ready to hear those answers.

He'll have something good for you in no time. I know it's not your blade though - hopefully we'll get gifts again soon.

[He's heard Atroma gifts aren't always particularly nice, but weapons at least seem to be common enough, so Ulaz may get lucky sooner than he expects.

Who isn't getting lucky right now seems to be Shiro. His eyes widen for a second, not expecting that answer, and just as quickly he frowns, frustrated by Ulaz's lack of cooperation. Does he sound angry when he speaks? A little bit, yeah.]

How can you know what I'm ready to hear or not? This is my life, Ulaz! It's been much worse not to know what's wrong with me! What did they do to me? I have the RIGHT to know!

[Shiro had every right to be angry with Ulaz's response. He did have a right to know what had been done to him during that year. But at the same time, mental health did play a factor. It would not be easy to hear, whether he deserved it or not]

You do have a right. And you will. But not now.

[Angry he can deal with. He's dealt with worse from Shiro; he'll deal with it again now. The paladin wasn't in the right mental state to hear what had happened. Telling him in a way that would upset him would only make this harder]

[Yeah, okay, that? Is not helping. If Ulaz would say that he can't give out that information, then Shiro... well, he would still be angry, but this is worse. Because Ulaz is agreeingwith him, and still turning him down. It's such a slap to the face.

Trembling hands reach out and grab Ulaz's arms, desperation mixing with his raising anger. Procyon comes back to his owner when he realizes the situation, and butt his head against Shiro's legs, trying to comfort him. But Shiro's attention is somewhere else.]

If I do have the right, then why are you taking it from me? What difference does it make? We're not at home, we're in a peaceful place! We're safe! [Most of the time, anyway.] And you're here. "Now" is probably the best moment we'll ever going to get!

[Before Ulaz disappears on him again.]

[It really hurt more than Shiro could know that he couldn't tell him. He did deserve to have all the information, even if it earned Shiro's ire for the fact that he had been a party to everything that was done.

But he couldn't. Not when Shiro was in a state like this. Even if his initial request for information had been laced with panic and rather than accepting an answer couldn't be provided, he had become angry. He wasn't worried for his safety given his training as a Blade, but he was worried for Shiro's]

"Now" is not the best moment. You asked me to come out here with the intent of asking about this and I chose not to answer it now because of your state and you are only proving me right by the second.

I asked you to come out here with me because I wanted to spend time with you! I want to be your friend. And yes, I also had the intent of asking you about this, but it wasn't some sort of trick or anything.

[Although part of him kinda feels that way. Excuse him for making conversation! He does mean every word though. He does want to be Ulaz's friend, but how can he move onto that with so many unanswered questions between them? His hand drop and he takes a step back - he doesn't know what to do anymore.]

I'm only in "this state", as you called you, because you made me. I thought you were on my side.

[Be his friend... there was something he hadn't been expecting to hear. Especially when to him, this looked like a trap to try and get information about a particularly dark topic. And when he was already worked up, though Shiro was denying that he had been worked up before Ulaz had said no it had just aggravated it.

His brow furrowed]

I am on your side. I don't think anyone has been more on your side. I protected you from the others, those that wanted to hurt more than you were.

[Why couldn't he trust him that he didn't want to know]

It doesn't feel that way! It feels like you're protecting their information!

[Meaning the empire's. He's pretty snappy by now, something that makes Procyon whine in worry and try to get his master's attention again, but no luck. Shiro has eyes only for Ulaz now ~~that's what he said~~.]

I also protected you! If it had been for Allura, we would've thrown you in cell and leave you there to rotten! [Or worse, but he doesn't want to think about that. Shiro usually isn't one to bring up the good things he did as some kind of debt, but he's obviously getting agitated. Is it just him or things are getting hot in here?] They told me that my sudden memory of you was just a dream! Or an implanted memory! But I knew better, because that memory felt right. Talking to you makes things feel right... or they usually did, anyway.

What reason would I have to protect their information? It's pointless to protect them, even if we weren't here.

[The dog is definitely getting upset now too, but Ulaz seems to be the only one of the two who has noticed it. Shiro getting increasing agitated has him concerned. He had only been intending to express concern for Shiro by not telling him now and it had been taken completely differently.

He's not even going to touch what they thought they could have done when he was captive]

I'm trying to protect you now, Shiro. You don't need to have the information of what happened to you when you are like this. Of what they did to you, how you lost your arm.

Protecting me from what? Myself? Because then it's a little late for that.

[A pause. Hard breathing. It's not a thing that he exactly confesses out of the blue, but he's emotional and not thinking straight right now. But yes, that's how he sees himself: his mind is not kind to him, with the nightmares and filling the blanks with the worst case scenarios.]

I do need it. Please. I beg you.

Shiro, you need to calm down. You need to stop this.

[The comment about it already being too late to protect him from himself was worrying him. He did need to protect him from himself in this state. No matter what he said, Ulaz did have to protect him from himself]

You don't have to have that information now. It won't fix anything remembering what was done.

[You need to stop this.

The words hit him like a rock, right on the head. Breathing is getting harder and harder, he's panting now, and he grabs his head as he steps back, eyes unfocused. He talks to Ulaz, but doesn't really register the presence in front of him.]

Y-you... you've said that to me before, haven't you?

[Ulaz paused when Shiro suddenly stepped back, grasping his head, his breath coming heavily. His eyes seemed to look right through him, like he was there, but also wasn't at the same time. He didn't even need to ask to know what was going on. Those words had triggered something]

Yes, I have said that to you before. On the ship.

[Like he really needs to explain which ship]

W-why...

[He falls to his knees, trying to fight the panic attack he knows it's coming. But even in this state, he doesn't stop asking. Blurry images of Ulaz with a mask on his face come to mind and he wants to cling to them, bring them back properly. But he can't.]

W-why did you tell me that last time? What- [Deep breaths, Shiro, deep breaths.] --what did I do to make you...

[He can't even finish sentences anymore.]

[As Shiro fell to his knees, Ulaz - carefully - nudged Procyon further to the side so the dog wouldn't be right up against Shiro before dropping down as well to be able to support him. He was still significantly taller than Shiro, but he could make sure he was not a danger to himself]

Stop asking questions. This is not helping.

[Nope, not even answering that one. Shiro's already on shaky ground. More questions and answers won't help]

[Procyon isn't very happy about this, but he's a smart dog. He knows Ulaz can offer better help... Especially when Shiro mumbles a few more words before finally passing out right on top of Ulaz. Procyon comes closer again then, licks his master's face and then barks at Ulaz with obvious urgency - come on, man let's get going! Shiro needs a bed!]

[He wasn't really surprised at this point when Shiro collapsed on him, completely out cold. He frowned, attempting to shift Shiro so he could pick him since waiting out here in the wilderness wasn't an option. The task though was made a little harder by Procyon trying to check on his master. He was doing what loyal animals were supposed to do so Ulaz couldn't fault him.

When Procyon barked at him]

I know. I know.

[As if the dog could really understand him.

But he swept Shiro up into his arms, holding the smaller human against him, letting Shiro's head rest against his shoulder. With that he stood up, glancing back at Procyon]

Let's go.

[Not that he thought the dog would stray too far; Shiro was his master after all.

Then Ulaz headed back in the direction of the city, not quite walking - because this was important - but not running either since he didn't want to jostle Shiro too much but he also didn't want to go so fast that Procyon couldn't keep up. Shiro's dog had to get back to the ship as much as Shiro did.

It didn't take long to reach the city where they could go back the ships and he headed immediately to the Blameless, still making sure Procyon didn't get separated. But he didn't have any problems getting Shiro back to the Blameless; amazing how few problems a massive purple alien - the lab support on one of the ships - carrying the passed out captain of another ship had getting anywhere.

Once on the Blameless, Ulaz headed straight for the captain's quarters. He was not aware that Shiro didn't actually stay in the captain's quarters so it seemed like the perfectly logical place to go. He carried Shiro inside and helped settle him on the bed so he could rest for a bit. Now to find some water for when he was awake]

[But Ulaz, the thing is: Procyon does understand. He's a very smart dog! So he accepts Ulaz's reassuring words and follows him back to the ship, glancing at the sleeping form of his master ever now and then.

It takes a few hours for Shiro to wake up. It's not every day that his body gets to rest without the nightmares bothering him, so it's taking advantage on the situation. When he finally comes to his senses, he blinks a few times and turns his head from one side to the other over and over, trying to remember the hows and the whys.

Procyon has his head and front paws on Shiro's chest, okay, and sitting on a chair next to the bed is...]

Ulaz? What-? Where-?

[His moves a couple of times more and his eyes widen when recognition finally hits him. The room is empty, bare, but he recognizes it. How could he not? Even in this state, those special memories hit him hard.

Procyon falls back on the mattress when suddenly Shiro sits up, not very amused.]

What am I doing here? How--? [Frowning, he turns to Ulaz.] Did you bring me to this room?

[Sure, he argued with Ulaz and passed out, but this is what he concentrates on. #priorities]

[Ulaz had been waiting quietly with Shiro while he slept to make sure that he was alright. Water had been obtained as well as something for Shiro to eat that had some substance to help him regain his strength. In the meantime, he had been attempting to occupy himself rather than sit there and do nothing. Surprisingly, there wasn't much in this room. Curious.

Of course it may have looked like he was doing nothing. Periodically in his free time (shock and horror what is that?!) he had been thinking back on somethings, including his conversation with Keith when he had first arrived.

This was what he was doing when Shiro woke up]

Try to rest. You had a-

[He's interrupted as Shiro suddenly bolts upright. Ulaz instinctively reaches out to make sure Procyon is not going to be thrown off the bed when he did that. Luckily, the dog wasn't even without help.

The question gets an odd look from Ulaz. Really, that was what he was wondering about? Or maybe he was more confused than he thought]

This is the captain's room. You are the captain.

[Yeah, Ulaz didn't know Shiro didn't actually stay in this room]

[Shiro covers his face with both hands and groans as he falls back on the pillows. He shouldn't take it out on Ulaz, he didn't know. But still... it's been a pretty frustrating day.]

Yes, I'm the captain, but I haven't been using this room.

[A whining Procyon comes to his side again, nudging his way under Shiro's arms with his nose. He can't resist that, so he drops his hands on the dog's fur and smiles a little bit at him.]

I'm fine, buddy, don't worry. [The whining stops, but the dog eyes still look worried. Shiro turns his head to Ulaz, his hands still petting purple fur as he speaks.] What happened?

I see.

[Well, that explained some of the reaction. He had been surprised by the room he had awoken to find himself in - though Ulaz didn't know why yet. He went to get Shiro a glass of water, bringing it back over at Procyon nudged his way under Shiro's arm]

He was worried about you.

[He offered Shiro the glass of water]

I think you may have had a panic attack and collapsed. Procyon and I brought you back to the ship so you could rest comfortably.

Was he? [To the dog now.] You're a good boy.

[He takes some minutes to pet and ruffle the hell out of Procyon, whispering some loving words for his companion before his attention returns to Ulaz. The glass of water is accepted with a thank you, and he sips it while he listen to what his friend has to say.]

Yeah, I remember the beginning of the attack, and then... [He frowns. That's it, isn't it?] I passed out? Why? That has never happened before?

[Ulaz waited patiently for Shiro to give Procyon some attention. The dog had done very well trying to make sure Shiro was okay and then following him back to the ship so he wasn't going to object. Also he wasn't going to push Shiro - too much - when he was still recovering. It had been a few hours, but he had just awoken.

When Shiro finally gave him his attention again and took the water, Ulaz sat down on the bed next to him, making sure to leave enough room not to crowd him]

It could be for any number of reasons. Have been under a lot of stress recently? You were trying to talk to me about a stressful topic. [Shiro says he remember the beginning of the attack, but how much he actually remembers of his panicked attempts to get Ulaz to tell him more remains to be seen] It could have compounded with everything else and it just overwhelmed you.

[Semi-open] Stress finally takes its toll

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