text - anonymous

[moseyin]

D o any of you ever wonder if your world would be better off without you
?

not like
dying or something back home, but. If you just never went back

Comments

[wingenvy]

but you have to ask if a few people would be worth it? what's your number then? how many would it take?

[moseyin]

Thats not what I mean

I dont know how to explain it

[moseyin]

look just forget it im just thinking aloud

[wingenvy]

[WTF YOU CAN'T JUST DISMISS THAT YOU






.......wait]

if you say so

[wingenvy]

[AND THEN THERE IS A KNOCK ON CLOUD'S DOOR A FEW MINUTES LATER]

[moseyin]

[MAYBE IF HE DOESN'T ANSWER ZACK WON'T THINK HE'S IN HERE. Just. Staring at the door and willing Zack to leave]

[wingenvy]

[bitch he knows you're in there, he can SMELL the discomfort.]

If you don't open up in the next ten seconds I'm gonna kick the door down, and everybody's gonna get a daily view of your fine ass until I feel like fixing it.

[moseyin]

[UGH, ZACK!!

Cloud heaves a sigh before dragging himself up, shuffling over to the door and opening it to stare sulkily up at Zack. Are you here to yell at him. Let him rest.]

[wingenvy]

[wow dude you look like shit.

let's not open with that.]

You probably don't wanna talk about it, but I think that's why we should. And the hallway's a lousy place for it, so let me in, will ya?

[moseyin]

[Steps aside after another brief moment of sullen staring, shutting the door after Zack squeezes in.] Look...it's just thinking aloud. I already said I wasn't going back without you guys, so...

[wingenvy]

[yeah shut up just gonna stop you there.]

I'm not stupid, and you're not stupid, and we both know... y'know, both of those. So no bullshit.

[a quiet beat, and then-]

I'm not here to yell at you.

[which is... not a promise that he won't. he knows himself and his volume control. it's just not his intent.]

[moseyin]

[Folds his arms, leaning back against his desk and pressing his lips together.] ...so, what then?

[wingenvy]

[So...

...so, that's a good question, and one that Zack doesn't answer right away. Zack frowns, back rested against the door. What...?]

Say we did find a way to go back, and we wanted to. Would you?

[moseyin]

...Yeah. [Rubs at his eyes, hard enough to see spots.] But I'm not- I would still worry about this. I'm not just trying to make excuses to stay.

[wingenvy]

Can I ask what you think you did that was so terrible you don't deserve to go home?

[Because yeah, he's heard the story. There was good and bad. Cloud's not perfect, he made mistakes. So did everyone else.]

[moseyin]

[.......are you kidding man] Seriously? I- Zack. I've put Tifa in danger more times than I can count. I was useless when you needed me most. I gave Sephiroth the Black Materia. I got Aerith killed.

[wingenvy]

[It's kind of wild how the story's unraveled between two different perspectives. He's been told a few things by Aerith, too.]

The way I remember it, Tifa was pretty good at putting herself into danger too. And you were sick, and had your head muddled with too much to fight it. And Sephiroth killed Aerith, not you.

[moseyin]

[okay that doES IT- Cloud shoves off the desk and starts to pace, throwing his hands in the air]

Enough- enough, man! I am so damn tired of you and Aerith both making excuses for me!

[wingenvy]

[Zack's eyes narrow as he watches Cloud cross the room and back again.]

It's not an excuse to put the blame on the right person. We're not trying to tell you you're perfect, or that you didn't make any mistakes. But you put way too much shit on your shoulders that you don't deserve.

[moseyin]

[Stops and turns on Zack, pointing at him.] You don't know what I deserve. You weren't there. My friends couldn't trust me and for damn good reason, and I still let them down. After I begged them to come with me.

I'm not helpless or- or some unfortunate victim. I was weak, Zack. I was weak-spirited, weak-willed, and I blamed the world around me for being unfair. Nobody else gets a pass for having a shitty life, I'm not going to grab for one just because you and Aerith are two of the kindest people on the Planet.

[wingenvy]

[Zack hesitates at that, his gaze averting slightly. Yeah, he wasn't there, that much is a fact. Not for lack of trying, though.]

Even if that's true... you were making amends, weren't you? You were trying to do better, to use your strength to fix the world. And you saved it! You killed Sephiroth and you saved it, saved everybody on it. That doesn't mean nothing.

[moseyin]

[Cloud's shaking his head before Zack even finishes, lifting his hands helplessly.] I didn't save anybody, Zack. Aerith did, with Holy and the Lifestream. And Meteor totaled most of Midgar even then.

[He went too far with that 'you weren't there,' he knows, but he can't just tiptoe around it anymore. Not if Zack wants to barge in here for honest answers.] I killed Sephiroth for me. We all had our own reasons- but Barret, Cid, and Red- half the people with me, they're the kind of person you think I am. The kind of people who- who give up their dreams, who do the right thing because it's right.

That's not me, Zack. I'm not that kind of guy.

[wingenvy]

[There's a sliver of discomfort in Zack's expression that he's never shown before, dancing up against the line of genuine fear, and he keeps his gaze carefully averted. He wishes he'd brought his sword with him. In moments like this he uses the weight and feel of it to ground himself, to remind him what the hell he's doing here and why it matters. He'd left it in his room, idiot.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he leans back heavily against the door. You can only repeat the same thing over and over again- at this point they're just going around in circles. Maybe it's time to be honest, so at least Cloud can see why he's arguing in the first place.]

You probably don't remember much about Modeoheim... do you remember anything about the day I got the Buster?

[moseyin]

[The question throws him for a loop and Cloud stares for a bit, half-glaring as he tries to switch tracks before just biting his lip and dropping his gaze in thought. Modeoheim, like everything else between leaving Nibelheim and waking up in Midgar, is a blur. Delving further into those memories hasn't always been a good thing, but it's not like he can avoid that forever, either.]

...the helicopter crashed, and... [Chews on his lip, half-sitting on the edge of his bed, brow wrinkling. He remembers the snow, the sound of the alarms as it went down...

Cloud shakes his head.] I don't remember anything else.

barfs exposition

[wingenvy]

Mm. I figured.

[There's no judgment in his tone; he'd been looking to confirm it, nothing more. There's little sense in telling Cloud anything he already knows.]

We were there to track and capture - or kill - a group of rebel SOLDIERs who'd betrayed ShinRa. They were on the lam for way too long, summoning monsters in Midgar, creating clones, hurting people... there was a bunch of stuff about Jenova and this hack scientist trying to replicate the experiments that made Sephiroth, but I didn't understand it. Truth is I didn't care. They were hurting people, it's all that mattered to me.

[He pushes off the wall and it's his turn to start pacing, gesturing as he talks, doing anything but look at Cloud. Just... keeping his hands busy.]

Angeal was one of them. My old mentor. I mean- he was with them, but not with them, you know? I don't know what he was doing, but I could tell he was struggling with it. I thought I could save him, bring him back. That was the plan.

[His hand dips into his pocket and feels for his phone- not the fleet communicator, but the one from home, the one that doesn't work. He can still remember all too clearly the plan from back then, vague and uncertain, but one that filled him with a desperate hope: that with the combined efforts of he and Sephiroth, Angeal could be saved. Hell, even Genesis, even if Zack never liked him. For the sake of his friends, maybe he could be brought back.

He'd been so senselessly naive then.]

Angeal... he taught me a lot. About honour, about being a SOLDIER, about becoming a hero... he taught me how to fight, how to survive the mako treatments, how to... grow up, I guess. I left home when I was thirteen, so he was kind of like a second dad. A real strict one, though.

[His voice catches a bit, and he pauses, struggling to get himself back on track.]

He also told me that our enemy is anything that creates suffering. Sounds great, right? Real heroic. And I was fine with it, up until he forced me to fight him, instead. Until he was the one causing that suffering.