[Open] Text

[apurrstate]

Who: Anders and the empty room, anyone else
Broadcast: Yes
Action: SS Tourist, if desired
When: Day after the shuffle

[It had hardly taken long to piece it together. He woke up alone, without the warmth of another person nearby. Opening his eyes revealed that the room was back to the size it had been before they'd merged their quarters and the bed really only had enough room for him and the three sleeping snow kittens.

It didn't matter that all of Wolfe's things were still littered around the room, what mattered was the absence of the man himself. He rarely left in the morning without telling Anders something.

He didn't even bother checking to see if he could send a message to Hawke once Anders spotted the ring he had offered Hawke nearly two weeks ago.

It took him a moment to gather himself, but, quietly, he did and checked the communicator just to make sure. How silly of him to even feel surprised or expect anything different.]


To those that knew him, Adalwolfe Hawke is no longer on the fleet.

It appears the same is true of Marian Hawke.

If anyone has any business left unsettled with either of them, please feel free to let me know and I will do my best to help.

[It hadn't taken long to find both missing when he tried to send a message to 'Hawke' and found no Hawkes listed in the fleet. He'd quickly followed up with checking some of the others as well, but it seemed most of everyone was still around. Mostly. Everyone from Kirkwall was gone except him.

He hesitated before adding:]

Fenris is gone as well.

Comments

[whatisright]

[Justice's manners only extend so far. He wants to be there with Anders so badly that he suddenly just... is. Without bothering with the door, he's just inside the room.

And Loyalty promptly lets out a yowl of protest, being left all alone on the other side of the door, so Justice has to open it anyway with a murmured apology to the leopard, who promptly trots to Anders and starts rubbing up against his legs.

Justice doesn't bother saying anything at first. He just frowns, taking in the impressions of the room, all the built up love and stress between two people when one is suddenly gone.]

You know how much experience I have with this. [Justice knows he has no idea what he's doing. He knows that Anders knows he has no idea what he's doing. But he has to do something, so he hopes that he does more good than harm.]

I think I would have killed myself if Wolfe hadn't spoken with me. My only question was whether it would make a difference, fix the things I did to you retroactively, and the books I was reading made it sound as though maybe it could. Wolfe was the one who suggested that perhaps the things we did right outweighed what we did wrong, and maybe I would be doing a greater injustice if I undid it. He gave me enough doubt to stay my hand.

[Justice holds out the bottle of wine.] I did not understand why mortals partake in this, but Wolfe shared with me while we discussed the possibility of my suicide. It made it easier to speak of it. Would you like to share this with me?

[apurrstate]

[He isn't fazed. Normally he would be, it had always made him jump when Justice did that, but now it was like things were trying to poke at him for a reaction and he felt none of them. Instead, he mindlessly reached down to stroke the leopard's coat, something he was interrupted of as soon as the other three leopard cubs jumped from the bed to the floor to inspect their new friend. There was much important sniffing to be done.

But Justice spoke his piece, again something that should have felt deeper, but only stirred the surface like a small ripple instead of the upset his mind knew he should be feeling, even if it was old news. He took the wine and rolled the bottle between his hands, his eyes falling to the staff leaning against the wall across from him instead of his friend.

There were a lot of little things like that all around the room. Mostly clothing and odds and ends, but most notably would be the staff against the wall, the old, plain, plain and worn journal sitting on Wolfe's bedside and the ring sitting on top of that. If anything held emotional tells of their missing owner, it would be those.]

Are you hoping sharing it with me will mean we can discuss the possibility of my own suicide?

[It's a joke. A really really awful joke that even makes Anders wince.]

I'm kidding. For the record.

[whatisright]

[Justice's reaction is immediate and visceral. He flinches, physically drawing away from the implications, and for once his oh-so-certain voice stumbles and stutters, words smashing together when he'd usually enunciate each one.] No, no, that wasn't what I--are you thinking of--

[Oh. Justice pauses, eyes not focused on anything, taking the time to thoroughly taste the air for any hints of deception, any hint that Anders might not have been completely joking.

Then his shoulders relax, though his unhappiness is plain on his face for someone who knows what indications to look for. Justice is not good at hiding his own expressions.] Do not joke about that with me. I take it literally.

[But he's not going to give Anders a hard time about it. Not now. Let Anders be as thoughtless as he wants--Justice would put up with Anders punching him if it made him feel better.

But Justice doesn't think it will. Instead, he looks to what he's done to soothe sad mortals in the past, and what they've done to soothe him. He dares to reach out, smoothing a hand over Anders' back.] If there is anything I can do, say it and it shall be done. If there is nothing, then know that I am here, for what that is worth.

[For many people, those are just platitudes. 'If there is anything I can do,' 'I am here,' but for Justice, they are every inch sincere and honest as he can possibly be.

Entirely oblivious to the emotions going on above, Loyalty gets busy sniffing at the cubs. New friends? Yes, new friends. She inducts them as friends should be inducted by gently tackling one and play-biting their ear.]

[apurrstate]

[It would almost be endearing, the stumble of words, if Anders wasn't painfully aware of the trip-step he'd made to cause them. It wasn't fair because it was a joke, but one he nearly wished wasn't. He might have suicidal thoughts, thoughts about how things would be easier if he were gone, or how it would end the stirring melancholy that hung over him his whole life like a heavy drape- but he could never do it.]

I'm sorry, that was tasteless. [Despite the fact he meant the words, his tone remained unchanged, passive and tired and almost observing of the moment rather than living it.]

To kill oneself is to sin against the Maker.

[A beat.] Besides, it'd be pointless here, they'd likely just bring me back anyway.

[He's quiet as Justice recites the same things most others have said. He knows it means something serious from his friend, at least, a show of support and comfort rather than pity or sympathy.
Lacepaws does and she jumps into the fray with her brother and their new friend while Daintyclaw watches on.]

I appreciate that, Justice. I really do. You being here helps on its own.

[He glanced over to the spirit and managed a strangled smile, but he let it fall as he felt it fail. He turned to the bottle instead, opening it and taking a large swig of the wine inside. He didn't usually drink straight from the bottle, usually there was a cup involved. Today felt like a bottle kind of day, though.]

There is...one thing. But it wouldn't be fair for me to ask nor for me to let myself hear.

[whatisright]

[It was a joke, but not as much of a joke as Justice would have liked. Anders may not try killing himself--Justice has no doubt that Atroma would pull him back if he did--but that doesn't mean Anders doesn't wish to die, and that doesn't mean Anders won't be in incredible pain for the coming weeks.

Justice wants to fix it, but he's pretty sure there isn't a way to. All he can do is keep touching Anders' back and hope that maybe he'll think of ways to take the edge off, besides simply providing alcohol and his presence.

Justice's brow creases when Anders mentions a possibility, but doesn't go into enough detail for Justice to actually do anything about it. He's ready to jump at the opportunity, any opportunity, to do something for Anders right now.]

If you do not wish to ask out loud, simply think it. I will hear.

[He doesn't care if whatever Anders wants is unfair to Justice. Justice doesn't mind tolerating unfairness if it makes Anders feel better at all. It's only right, after Anders has been so good to him despite the mistakes they made.]

[apurrstate]

[The touch is soothing, even if he doesn't fully recognize that it is, it's nice to feel the gentle touch when his instinct is to pull away and keep distance from everything.

But he sighs at the suggestion, his gaze shifting up to Justice and then over to the side-table where the old journal rests with a ring sitting on top of it that looks very similar to the one on his own left ring finger.]

Can you read the emotions off that ring? It was given two weeks ago, I can't imagine it's soaked up more than the initial feelings from receiving it.

[It was the last and most important present he'd given Hawke. The next step Hawke had left him that Anders had finally worked up the courage to take, his proclamation to the world and, more importantly, to the man that Anders had no intention of going anywhere if it wasn't at Hawke's side.

Now it lay unworn like another promise he hadn't been able to keep.

But if Justice could grant Anders a glimpse of what Wolfe had felt when Anders had presented it, whatever true feelings had been there...well, maybe it could make the ache less.]

[whatisright]

As you wish.

[Justice has his suspicions, but it's not until he puts his hands on the ring that he knows for sure what it is. His heart breaks a little more.

Carefully, he keeps Wolfe's ring in one palm as he takes off his own ring of lyrium, leaving it on the dresser far out of reach from the cats. It is not safe for mortals to handle, and he doubts that cats are any different, but he can't have it singing to him if he's really going to plumb the depths of Wolfe's ring.

He sits back down at Anders' side, closing his palms over the ring and fixing his eyes on nothing in particular, turning his attention away from all senses but this one. He has gotten better at incorporating more organic movement in his demeanor, something consciously done to put mortals more at ease, but suddenly he is still as stone again. He could be a statue, no blinking and no breathing, if he weren't warm.

What did Hawke feel, as he was given this ring?]

[apurrstate]

[Anders waited, nearly as still as Justice if not for the small movements all humans make no matter how hard they try. He didn't know what he was waiting for or what he was hoping to hear. Did he want to hear that Wolfe felt dread accepting the ring, like he felt he had no choice now that they were both approaching forty and still together? That he felt stuck? Would that be better than hearing Wolfe was well and truly happy? Elated? Maker, he didn't know why he was asking this, but he didn't take it back, either. He simply needed to hear whatever Justice would say.

His thoughts went, unbidden, to that moment he'd given it. The uncertainty and curiosity giving way to understanding and a brightening to Wolfe's features Anders hadn't seen in ages. It had seemed like joy. Maybe even relief, though he couldn't begin to understand why.

Well...perhaps he could; Wolfe had put the choice on Anders and he had no way to know Anders would ever make it. And considering the whole 'ceremony' of it was more important to the healer than it ever was to Wolfe meant, when Anders put forward the proposal, he was serious about it.

Despite everything they'd gone through, the betrayal, the anger, the love and sadness and longing and finally peace, it had always seemed to be in question if they would last. Not to Wolfe, but to Anders. He thought Hawke better without him and, at times, he thought the whole world better off without him and the thought of ending everything himself had crossed more than once. Wolfe probably thought that was still a possibility at times. But offering that ring meant Anders was offering the assurance it wasn't and, on top of that, agreeing they'd walk into the Void hand-in-hand, no matter Anders' misgivings about Wolfe's choice of partner. A promise that they'd put that to rest.

That's what it was to Anders and what he meant when he offered it. He was sure it was overwhelming joy and relief and love that Hawke felt, but in his heart he had to wonder if even a piece of the other mage doubted and felt regret that the ball and chain had finally been latched. That perhaps, he had still wanted to be free of the renegade apostate and was too Hawke to say so.]

[whatisright]

Finally.

[When Justice says it, it's not with the same borderline monotone timbre he usually says things. He inflects the words like Wolfe does, and his eyes stay closed, his grip on the ring white-knuckled.]

I was starting to think he'd never do it. Rush rising in my chest, relief in my head, it almost makes me dizzy. The rings are beautiful. When did he get these? It changes nothing for me, I was always going to be with him, but I'm so happy that he knows that now. I love him, my ridiculous, wonderful apostate.

[Justice comes back to himself suddenly with a jerk, his grip loosening on the ring and his voice returning to his own inflection.]

He wished to spend the rest of his life with you, with or without rings. He loves you.

[apurrstate]

[The change in Justice's inflection is a punch to the gut and every word after is both a weight and uplifting to his heart. He covers his eyes with one hand while the other clenches the bedspread with white knuckles. There was a stinging to his eyes and a lump in his throat threatening to choke him with every passing second, but he already knew that was as far as the threat would go. The tears -of happiness or loss he couldn't decide- wouldn't come.]

I know.

[His voice was barely a whisper under the emotions he'd been fighting back all morning, but he meant them all the same.

He knew everything he'd just heard, but his heart could never believe it fully. There was always a shade of doubt, of 'what if that changes' and 'it ought to change' battled with the longing to hold onto it and fight for the feeling tooth and nail. But Justice wouldn't lie and wouldn't know enough about the two of them together to make it up even if he wanted to, hearing it...even if he knew it, hearing it made it real and solid. It gave it more weight coming from someone else than it ever had coming from Wolfe whom Anders had never been able to fully trust not to change his mind or see reason all too late.

His ridiculous, wonderful, apostate. His Champion.

As much as it hurt right now...he did feel better.]

Thank you.

[whatisright]

[Justice thinks this was helpful? It's not entirely clear, because it looks like Anders is just on the edge of crying and he wasn't before, but he's thanking Justice and Justice can feel the catharsis on the edge of the pain so he decides that maybe this is necessary.

Justice takes what he has learned from Leilani and Riona--that mortals like affection when they are in pain--and he wraps his arms around Anders, pulling him into a hug.

He doesn't know what words would make it better. He doesn't know if anything would make it better. But he loves Anders, and he's here for him, for better or for worse.]

[apurrstate]

[Anders clings to the hug like a man drowning, but remains silent. There's nothing left to say and he has no say over what he feels, all he can do is ride it out until it fades with time and becomes something bearable.

His thoughts trace lazily over everything, his face turned to the side with his cheek pressed to Justice's shoulder. They run over the last few months since they'd reawoken here and even before that, when they'd first arrived and Anders hadn't even known who Wolfe was. He supposed that was a possibility, if Atroma wanted to be really cruel, they'd bring Wolfe back, but more than ten years younger, perhaps before the Blight was even a concern or simply when he'd first arrived in Kirkwall while Anders was busy being a Warden. Wouldn't that be a cruel twist of irony?

His eyes fell over the four kittens, still playing with each other and the various toys Anders had lying about for them. Eventually, his eyes fell to the bottle Justice had brought, only barely touched and looking fairly appealing right now. But a thought drifts through his mind at the same pace as all the others that leaves a rumble in his chest. A rumble that turns to a chuckle that turns to full-laughter that shakes his shoulders even as he tries to muffle himself.]