driftfleet | Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

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Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

Who: Everyone invited, everyone gatecrashing (technically you're all invited, so...)
Broadcast: Who knows, maybe some drunken texting later on
Action: Iskaulit Pool!
When: 3 July

[It's a party for a narcissistic redhead who likes to be reminded she's alive. Come celebrate! Alternately, come sneak in and steal the food! There's a bar set up for drinks drastically lowered to cost-price or to-be-paid-later-tab, a non-alcoholic punch in case of wandering minors (spike it and Nami will end you) and random snacks.

Oh, and a pool. Which is heated. Kind of important, that part.

Step right up, I'm reliably informed we'll have Thor with his shirt off, take pictures while you can.]

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[Feelings are really confusing. They can't be intellectualized or analyzed or reasoned away. They don't go away if they're pushed aside enthusiastically enough. They're hard to express clearly and hard to assume. Who ever thought they were a good idea?

He smiles a bit distractedly because puns are good, but his mind isn't at all on the conversation.]

I'm grateful that she lives with me also, you know. Thank you for following through on your drunken offer to give her to me.

[Fair. She knows how that goes. If she could control her feelings a lot of things would have been different for her.]

Well, you're very welcome. I think you make a better home for her. [She probably should just embrace the pet life as a distraction if nothing else, but it just isn't where her heart was as much as she likes animals.]

Do you know the birthday girl well? I mean other than her being your boss.

Maybe not better. Possibly more to her liking. [Since, turns out, Pavel's a doting cat parent. Pets are still something of a novelty to him even though he'd had a brush with dog ownership back in the City. He wouldn't have time for a pet--not even a cat--at home, but this cat thing is working out here. His relationship with Sasha is delightfully uncomplicated, she keeps him from being alone alone at night, and she tolerates a fair amount of cuddling. Mostly. Usually.

A shrug. The number of people in the Fleet that he knows well are limited to Kitty and Kirk at this moment.] We spent time together on the space station that was full of zombies, and we bonded over liking maps today. These seem like good foundations for a friendship.

[He should definitely work on that. He's a great person to know and he's withholding from everyone else!] Oh, I fully agree. Daryl and I spent some zombie time together. I should catch up with him and add a map layer. Also, I think obscure card games should be next. I think that's the order it goes in.

[Lies! He's the worst! Haven't you been following the bracket text?]

Every friendship has its own steps. I have not had an opportunity to get to know Daryl well [because the man is a paranoid recluse] but I think that, for you, the next step will involve talking about weapons. The only things that I know he likes are guns and knives.

Oh, that's right. He's on the Tourist, isn't he? My old home away from home. [It hasn't been that for a long time now but she does kind of miss her two ship life. And there are still important people there. Fewer without Jarvis now.]

I had to spring my powers on him right away when we met. He'd probably feel more at home with just the claws. [Those were out too.]

He is, yes. [Kirk, Chekov, Anders, and Daryl. Not much of a home now. Pavel would have transferred somewhere else if he didn't feel obligated to follow Kirk or worried about Anders. (He's just gotten everything set up in a way that Sasha likes, too. It'd be a shame to relocate her and start that over again.]

Claws would be far more comfortable for him, I'm sure. More relatable.

[Chekov is still only half-engaged in the conversation. Still distracted by thoughts that he doesn't particularly want.]

[This chit chat isn't as light as she'd like to pretend it is, is it?] I rarely hear that about them, so I probably shouldn't miss the opportunity.

[Should she say anything? Would something good come from talking about it more or will it just hurt or embarrass him?]

[Ha ha, oops.] Rarely? You have heard that about them?

[It probably wouldn't hurt? So far, he's doing a lot more to hurt and embarrass himself than anyone else.]

Okay, no, not specifically. [She smiles a little and then tilts her head.] I feel like I should ask if you're okay again, but I don't know if you'd really tell me if you weren't.

[He's going to press her with another conversational question--Then what have you heard generally? perhaps--but then she's asking the thing and that seems more important.]

Maybe I would. [And even though she directly ask:] Maybe I'm not. But I should be, and I will be.

[She can understand feeling like you have no right to your feelings and what a terrible position that puts a person in since you can't just turn them on and off. And it's not the most fun loop to have going on inside yourself.] Am I... [She's not sure how to word it.] Doing something wrong here? Could I be doing something better for you?

[He is truly and visibly baffled by that.] No, of course not, no. You have been nothing but kind and patient with how I--with everything, ever since I came here. You didn't need to be. I haven't done very much to earn that.

Pavel, what are you saying? You've always been good to me and for me. You're one of my closest friends. If I'm kind and patient it's just because you show me all that and more. You always have. You don't have to earn anything, but you more than have.

[Kitty's mouth and his brain are providing two very different narratives. He likes Kitty's better, but...] I've been selfish. I've wanted too much. I haven't been--I haven't appreciated you enough here, as you are. Happier. I wanted [past tense] the you that was in Marina back even though she was sadder, and I don't know what can be more selfish than that.

I mean, that doesn't sound great, but I get it. I've wanted people to go back to the way they were in these places. To remember me or not to have new memories that messed things up between us. [Like Reid.] You haven't made me feel like I'm a disappointment.

You have never, ever been a disappointment. You never will be.

[He actually... feels better? Sort of? Still un-want-able, but Kitty doesn't seem to think that he's as awful as he thinks he is. He generally trusts her assessment of people, so he's kind of obligated to go with her on this one.]

I love you. [There's no extra weight behind the words. Sincerity, sure, but no desperation and grasping. It's not a down-on-one-knee-with-a-ring sort of I love you.] In whatever way.

I love you too, Pavel. [Which she means with all sincerity and has felt for a long time. It is not as all encompassing as the way he means it perhaps. It's not a romantic love, but she does love him and she hopes she does the right thing by leaving off the disclaimer. She doesn't want it to be confusing, but she also doesn't want to minimize it. Hug? Hug.]

[It's better without the disclaimer. He knows what she isn't saying--really knows this time, and accepts. It's not ever going to be romantic love. It'll never be stay-close-at-night-to-keep-nightmares-away, wear-reminders-of-him-close-to-her-heart, do-anything-to-be-together love (which, if he's honest, is the kind of love that he hopes for the most).

But it's still good. He's important to her. She does love him, and that's more than he thought he had. It really does mean something to hear it, and he hugs her tightly and hopes that she knows how much she matters to him and how grateful he is for her.] Thank you.

Edited 2018-07-29 05:17 (UTC)

[On the plus side, this went better than when Vash told her he loved her and then looked really nervous and worried and he took it back and she let him. She's trying really hard to believe he just said what he thought he was supposed to say and not how he felt.

She doesn't know if her heart is ever going to be able to really move on from Winn. He's her do-anything-to-be-together love. But the "anything" wasn't working. Maybe that makes any other kind of moving on selfish, but what's the alternative when life keeps moving forward?]

I'm sorry.

[Well, that's... something? And Kitty hasn't responded to any I love you with running away and avoiding him for several weeks, so Pavel's willing to consider this a step up for him as well. He should probably quit while he's ahead.]

There's nothing for you to be sorry for. [She was listening to him, right? She got the part where he said he's been selfish and she's only ever been nice about the whole thing?] Okay?

[Not yet!]

[She nods at his words, trying to accept them.] I just don't want to hurt anyone the way... [the way she has.] I just know it's hard.

[Yes yet! Definitely yet.]

You aren't Dr. Reid, you know. This isn't that.

I know. I'm way too athletic. [She smiles a little.]

[He looks extremely thoughtful for a moment (and a little sad, but the sad is unrelated to that specific observation).] ...True. You're prettier as well.

[It's not weird if it's just a true fact.]

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