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[the_tailor]

[At the moment, Lance is looking oh so appealing for the camera. Fresh faced and with his adorable pet otter perched on his shoulder, he gives a wave.]

Hey, everyone! So, uh, this here broadcast is actually more for the fans watching than the rest of you. But I guess if you want to hear me answer some fanmail, by all means. I've gotten bits and pieces over the month, but I figured I might as well do a megapost and answer a whole bunch at once.



[He clears his throat, glancing at the first one.]

"What were your parents thinking when they named you after a phallic weapon?"

That... Y'know, I don't think that actually was something that went through their minds. Though I always had the odd name out out of all of us kids. Luís, Veronica, Marco, Rachel, and Lance. It's a pretty cool name though, so I won't complain, and I never really thought about it being, er, phallic before.


"You have an amazing beauty routine, but it just doesn't seem to be producing the wrinkles you should have. There's an amazing face cream out there that will emphasize all those fine lines and bring out that creased look that's really popular right now."

No, no, and no! I'm extremely proud of how smooth my skin is! If anything, it's anti wrinkle cream that I should be getting. I guess beauty standards for you are different from what they are for me. Sorry, man. This skin is staying smooth as a baby's butt.


"Your ears really are oddly shaped. Maybe if you tape them down they won’t stick out as much. But otherwise, you cool, bro."

...Allura, is that you? [He squints.] My ears are perfectly fine, thank you very much! Very attractive ears! So quit with this already! I wonder if I should get a piercing one day...


"Dear Lance, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy would you be if the gel dispenser included a food goo flavor?"

Is negative infinity a possibility? I'd be ecstatic if I never had to taste food goo again for the rest of eternity. ...Oh boy, the next one is a long one... Let's do bit by bit.


"Lance would you like a cookie what kind of cookies shall we send you?"

Holy run-on sentence, Batman. I like all sorts of cookies, but you can never go wrong with a classic chocolate chip! "Would you like cookies in the shape of dicks?" Wait, what... "What about Galra dicks? What do Galra dicks look like? Also, will you marry me? Keith can be part of it too. What do you smell like, asking for a friend. Baby will you light my fire?"

[The further he gets through these, the more baffled and taken aback his expression looks. There's a faint redness on his cheeks as well because okay, some of these are just. Weird.]

I'm not even going to bother answering any of those. Next up...


"Who wears the pants in your relationship?"

Oh, come on! Both of us wear the pants! You don't see either of us prancing around in tiny miniskirts, do you? No can do, sorry. Well, maybe if there's enough financial incentive...


"What does half-human jizz taste like?"

SERIOUSLY?! [Now his face is even more red. Oliver gives a squeak of surprise and jumps off his shoulder.] Go find out yourself! That's private!

[He scrolls past a few more fanmail, the flustered look not leaving his expression.]

W-w-why are there so many fricken' questions about my sex life?! Why are there so many detailed questions?! "You seem to be switch hitting with Keith. Do you prefer to give or receive?" If I say receive then will you all just shut up and ask something else?!?

[There's a long pause after he's blurted that out out of frustration. When realization dawns on him, he looks as if he's ready to throw himself out an airlock.]

Well that's it for today's episode of Lance-tries-to-do-something-and-ends-up-TMIing! Stay tuned never for a repeat!

[Aaaaaand he shuts the recording off.]




[ooc: Thank you to everyone for sending me questions on Plurk for him! Except no thank you to Hika.]

Comments

[itsyagirl]

[Veronica is quite literally crying from laughter, though she's trying to keep it together in order to suitably tease her baby brother.]

Inquiring minds want to know! Don't leave the public hanging!

[the_tailor]

[Out of all the people...]

Ew, you are the last person who I'm telling these--things--about!

[itsyagirl]

[You seriously think she's going to miss out on this opportunity? Think again.]

Please! You came running to me after your first crush! And your first kiss!

[the_tailor]

[Why are you such an evil older sister.]

That's completely different and you know it!

[tempredmental]

Why are they asking that stuff? It's none of their business!

[the_tailor]

I don't know! People are crazy, okay? Our private life is exactly that--our private life! I might be on a reality show but I'm not some kinda porn actor or whatever!

[tempredmental]

I don't want to answer these questions anymore...

ilu bb~

[pidge_out]

[It's an audio feed, because Pidge definitely didn't want Lance to know that she was tuning in. But then she has to go and let out a short but definitely very audible bark of laughter at one of the questions, only to slap a hand back over her mouth to shut herself up.

Sorry Lance. She's finding this whole thing pretty hilarious.]

[the_tailor]

[Wait, is that...? He hasn't really talked to her too much in a while now, all attempts at reconciling with her having failed. But he'd recognize that laugh anywhere.]

H-hey!

[pidge_out]

[She's at least stopped giggling; now it's just a matter of figuring out what to say.]

Uh- Yeah, hey.

[Nailed it.]

..You've got colorful fans, I guess.

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[wallcrawler]

I feel like I've missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to win money from you, betting how this would end.

[The dryness of that remark is inversely proportionate to his height, Lance.]

Seriously Lance, how did you think answering any of these would go?

[the_tailor]

I...

[There's a long pause, and he sulks.]

I really don't know. I should have known better! Heck, I've seen how these things can go! And I've been on the internet, I know what fans of things are capable of!

[wallcrawler]

You really should have, yeah. Why else do you think I never bothered reading any of mine?

[Never you mind why he even got any.]

[Video]

[padadin]

[SIIIIIIGH]

Lance. Why don't you read the letters in advance and decide which ones to answer before reading them aloud in the network?

[the_tailor]

In hindsight, I probably should have done that.

[padadin]

You should. There are some things I'd rather not know.

[Like that ending. Geez.

Then a pause.

...]

Do you want a miniskirt for Christmas?

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[universal_charm]

You know, you have the power to screen those questions before you ask them.

_{[ He's just sipping his hot cocoa - and it is cocoa because sometimes coffee just isn't the right fit next to an ice planet. ]}

But good on you.

_{[ Cheers, little bro. ]}

[the_tailor]

Hindsight, 20/20, blahblah. I thought it'd be more exciting if I did it "live". Mistakes were made.

[Pout.]

[universal_charm]

You can read it silently before reading it aloud, is all I'm saying.

Though I am glad your sex life is going well.

[scalpelofmarmora]

It seems like the fans are quite fascinated with personal lives.

[the_tailor]

That they are. Be lucky the questions you got weren't all...balls to the wall risque like mine.

[scalpelofmarmora]

I am grateful for that. Those are not questions I'd want to try and answer. It's a shame they decided to try that with you.

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[princessences]

That wasn't me. Why would I send you fan mail?

[ Which is a lot harsher than she means, but you know... ]

[the_tailor]

[W O W Allura. Rude.]

I don't know! But you're the only person who has a problem with my ears.

[princessences]

Clearly not.

[ She folds her arms. ]

Their design seems very impractical, but I've grown used to them.