driftfleet | [ video + action ] in this world now I am undying ( iw update )

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[ video + action ] in this world now I am undying ( iw update )

Who: Loki + You
Broadcast: Yes!
Action: SS First Breath
When: Right now!

( feed: action )

[ the feed turns on and you're not sure why. all is quiet on the ship front. there doesn't seem to be much activity on the first breath, even this late. all is silent. until you hear a crackle. suddenly ice speeds its way over the walls, ceilings and floors of the ship, instantly freezing everything along its path. everything is coated in silvery, sharp ice, cold to the touch.

and for a moment, a shrill scream echoes throughout the ship before going quiet with the feed. ]

( much later: video )

[ loki turns the feed on. he looks queasy and ready to drop off right then and there, but he clears his throat, coughing as it hurts. ]

My apologies. It seems I lost control of my magic. I will immediately see to any repairs. But perhaps people coming by should mind their step in the meantime.

[ he looks like he has more to say, but he ducks his head, turning off the feed. ]

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[Thor shakes his head, closing his eyes on the ruin he feels.]

No. I am.

[Loki had been killed. There's no call for apologies from the dead. It's the living that carry the blame with them.]

Thor . . .

[ what should he say? it wasn't thor's fault. it was certainly loki's. instead he shifts, pulling thor to rest against him instead. ]

I'm here.

[For all that he doesn't deserve comfort, feels that he might just break apart if he's consoled like this, Thor doesn't pull away from it either. He doesn't have the strength or desire to stand alone right now.

And he is alone. Was.

There are things he ought to tell Loki, who deserves to know how it all ended. He should tell him how far the axe went, how hard he drove it into Thanos's chest for his sake, for all the Asgardians. How big of a mistake it had been to want that vengeance. He finds his throat grows tight at the idea and just-- doesn't. Not right now. There will be time enough to examine the fall out later.

After a short span Thor does move again though, pulling back to try and get a better look at Loki's neck.]

You-- are you still injured?

[ loki isn't too concerned about what came after. which is petty of him. but he has little to care for beyond thor. no matter how great thor's sorrow is and loki can see that it is great, he is still alive. still here. untouched by thanos, despite all odds. the one thing loki has done right.

at thor's words, his fingers once again brush against his throat and he winces at the sting. ]

Just bruising. It'll heal soon enough.

[It's hard to look at it without hearing that awful crunch in his mind again, the dead thump of Loki's body that followed. Thor clenches his jaw and focuses on the here and the now. The still-living Loki in front of him.]

Even so, we should get some-- [He stops abruptly, looking around the room. He finishes his thought with dwindling enthusiasm.] ...some ice.

[ loki gives thor a wan smile. ]

I don't think it will help me much.

[ the underlying sentiment I don't think anything will can be heard. ]

[Judging by the pressed line of Thor's lips and the wince in his eyes, he heard it to. But he refuses to acknowledge it out loud.]

Painkillers then.

[ loki brushes his fingers against thor's eye, the new one before dropping his hand. ]

All right. It still aches, but the worst has passed.

[It doesn't match his natural eye at all, making the change all the more glaring. Thor manages a weak smile at that, thankful that Loki will take something for the injury.]

Okay. [With a sigh, he looks around at the ice.] This will fade on its own.

[Or melt. One or the other.]

I'm not letting my — [ loki frowns, not sure what to say. my death?. but he exhales, calming himself. ] — what happened to me harm my ship.

He's taken enough from me.

[It's-- startling. To hear that, to hear it from Loki. In a way his brother has already thought further ahead than Thor has. His own mind is still tearing itself to pieces over the fallout, without much chance to reorient back to the Fleet.

Against all logic, it helps Thor centre himself, if only a little. What happened at home is a fresh wound that won't heal any time soon. But this isn't home - it's somewhere else.

So he blinks absently before squeezing Loki's shoulder with a hand.]

He won't get anything more.

[Not from Loki. Thor's sure they both know how grasping it is to even declare such a thing when most everything has been lost already. As always, though, Thor takes control where he can.]

[ more. that's what loki wanted to be. and even though that's not what thor means, loki finds himself tearing up slightly. he blinks it away, but it remains, traitorous on his face. he shouldn't, not when thor is in the grips of grief, a grief loki has visited upon him. his head drops, wrecked. ]

I was right. I should have left you long ago.

[ everyone was right about him in the end. ]

[Thor stiffens, shock running through him. His fingers tighten involuntarily on Loki's shoulder. He hadn't said that, had he? Loki hadn't said he should have left Thor. Not to his face. But if he had thought it to himself, Thor would never have known. The hurt of it starts to settle into his shoulders--

"I'm not going anywhere without you."

Before something angrier and stronger bounces it back.]

No -- no, fuck that. [Thor shakes Loki's shoulder a bit, insistent.] That isn't what I wanted, and it's not what you wanted either!

[ the action startles him, shaking away the apathy. his eyes continue to sting. ]

Of course not! Of course it's not what I wanted, I wanted — [ so much more, so many things. so many possibilities that loki had only started to dream of lately, started to believe in. he tries to smile, but it hurts, every part of him seems to have crumbled in shameful weakness. ]

I only wanted to be your equal.

[Thor's own eyes are overly bright, even as frustrated despair boils over.]

You were - you are.

[Loki had walked into his own death with his head held high - an act Thor had never imagined, nor wanted to see. Thor had done that himself only years ago with the Destroyer. Knowing what the outcome might be and doing it anyway. He takes a sharp breath, hanging his head a little.]

Did you not already say so...? Here, not so long ago.

[ loki smiles once more like it pained him to do so, but smiling was easier than anything else. he reaches out to squeeze thor's hands. ]

I said a great many things, it seems. Try not to hold them all against me.

I will if you choose to deny them.

[Because Thor's not about that. Not now. Maybe it's a hopeless grasping at straws when the worst has already happened, when this time there may be no going back. But if they can both be here arguing about it, then it's easier to think that in this much he can still fight some of that suffocating darkness.

Thor's grip back is almost painful.]

[ loki plucks at Thor's fingers, peeling them off his shoulders and placing it on his own cheek, resting against it. his brother's hands were still warm and loki feels so cold. loki nearly buries his face in them. he should deny all he said before, all the dreams and wishes he had. wouldn't that be better? easier? but it feels like a step back loki didn't want to face. he didn't want to go back on everything he had been trying to achieve, pointless as it seems now.

what should he do now? who should he be now? ]

I don't know. I — Look at what I've done to us.

[It's so easy, standing here opposite Loki, to start thinking maybe it never happened. Maybe it was another trick, one he's still playing even now. To some devious end. To almost imagine it was a horrible dream or delusion he had experienced in the void of space.

The chill in Loki's cheek only brings back home again the twist in his gut that Thor knows is the truth. Whatever dark means the Atroma use to bring the dead back to life, it didn't render their deaths irrelevant. He knows that, much as he wants to cling to a less hopeless theory.

And there's truth in what Loki says, loath though Thor is to admit it. Thanos came upon them because of the Tesseract, hidden away in Loki's magic. Thor knows that. The knowledge had already sunk into him like a stone. Thor takes a breath, bolstering himself against those dark paths of thought, and uses his free hand to steer Loki by the shoulder towards the bed.]

Come - you can't keep standing like this. Sit down.

[ no rebuttal. not that loki expected or wanted one, but it sears through his heart all the same. still, he remains muted as he settles himself onto the bed, eyes low. he is so tired, an old feeling. a familiar feeling. he's been tired before, tired of himself. it seemed to have come rushing back. ]

[Thor pulls the blanket off the bed and drops it around Loki's shoulders. He doesn't know how long this cold will last - or if it's some unknown artefact of Loki's heritage, a reflexive burst of magic that neither of them knows how to deal with. Hovering for a moment, Thor finally rests both of his hands on Loki's shoulders, staring down at his brother's bowed head from above.

He remembers both the little boy trailing after him and the madman trying to destroy a whole planet. Everything in between.

His voice is low and a touch ragged.]

This was not your doing nor mine.

["You really are the worst brother." For a moment, Thor's fingers twitch.]

It was Thanos's. No one else.

[ does anyone believe that? does thor truly believe that? it does not seem like it. he tugs the blanket closer if only to hide the shakiness in his limbs, the true weakness of his being. weak, weak, weak. he wets his lips, wondering what he should say. I'm sorry I took it, I don't know why I did. I'm sorry for all that I ruined, I'm sorry, I'm a fool, I did it for you.

Maybe I should have died a long time ago. I never should have come back from the void. I'm a coward who chose to live. I have no honour and Valhalla will never let me in now.

he says none of it. they're the ramblings of the inane and had no place here, in the face of thor's raw grief over the loss of their people, thrice-fold. he's not a child. he's not much of a brother. he can no longer hide under blankets and expect thor to hunt the monsters in his nightmares.

so he rasps out instead. ]

Not yours. Never yours. You didn't do this to — It was not your failure.

[Silence stretches out between them.

It's easy enough for Loki to say that. Loki only bore witness to the first part of the disaster. Thor's guilt is immense, but even he knows that he wasn't fully responsible for the carnage Thanos wreaked upon the Statesman. Even so, Thor can't accept absolution of his failure. Not when his rage and his grief threw him headlong into making a mistake that cost far more. Something in Thor's face shutters for a moment, whether Loki is looking up at him or not.

He shifts on his heel, sinking down onto the bed next to his brother. He stares straight ahead, hands hanging loose between his knees.]

It wasn't my victory, either. [Tiredness grates in his voice, some bone-deep malaise making itself known.] But I will not forget that it's Thanos who slaughtered our people. And killed you.

I don't care to put blame anywhere else.

[Not like this. Not now, when everything is shattered pieces on the floor.]

[ well, loki wouldn't call the rest a failure. thor's still alive after all. to loki, that's still the greatest victory, the most important detail. so what if people died on earth or anywhere else? what does their lives matter to loki?

but he wouldn't say that. instead he rests his head on thor's shoulder. ]

All right. All right — I'm just glad you're alive.

[In another time and place, Thor might have been too. Gladness has fled from his heart though, chased out by death and loneliness and horror. If it is to come creeping back it hasn't made it yet, too soon after everything has happened to return to him. It's a wounded, hiding thing.

He feels Loki's head drop onto his shoulder and is only grateful that he won't have cause to see the dampness on his cheeks again. He tips his own head sideways to press his cheek into Loki's hair.

He says nothing.]

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dothelokimotion - 2019-01-11 11:00 (UTC) - Expand

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rebuildyourruins - 2019-01-12 01:02 (UTC) - Expand

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