driftfleet | the white noise is deafening silence

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the white noise is deafening silence

[In the very early hours of January 20th, as the Marsiva and her captives drift nonchalantly through the depths of the universe, there is a call. Every single personal communicator and console springs to life, spitting out a stream of indecipherable static and showing only gray snow on screen. It continues like this for a few seconds longer, going black and then going staticky, and then the signal switches to the encrypted channel generally used for speaking to the Interceptors when something big goes down.

This is a little more successful. The voice may be familiar to some, at least through the static.]

Zhade here! I trust I ███ your attention? I'm having some ██▓▓ble ██tting through. Some of the ░▓██▓█ are missing. I can't ░▓▓▓ read on their loc█████ns. [A particularly long burst of static.] ███stening. I'll s█▓▓█ more inf██▓▓▓▓▓█ I get it.

Stay sharp! [There's the sound of someone actually doing the fingerguns wink noise, and then static.

Any messages sent back won't get through, and Zhade isn't there to answer.]

[ A blip of lost time passes right after those words, before every passenger mysteriously wakes alone in their own unfamiliar room. The style of decor resembles that of the Marsiva's Hospitality Deck, if any passengers should remember what that's like. It sounds and smells the same as the host ship as well, all clean and chrome.

Welcome back to the Marsiva, dear passengers. It's time for round three of calibrations. ]

[ This mingle will cover all non-calibration room interactions. Please continue to come back to it for the duration of the plot! You are, of course, free to post any other mingles/posts/etc. that you'd like. ]

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[As soon as the door opens she scrutinizes his expression, his reaction to her presence. Already she can feel her heart sinking, because it's too casual, too... normal. Normal for fleet-Taako, for BoB-Taako, for sans-memories-Taako.

Not for Taako who regained a hundred years of lost history in a dream. Not for her brother.

She's desperately wrestling between disappointment and hope when she gets her voice working just enough to manage, in a strained voice,] Last night. What happened last night?

Last...night?

[What happened last night?

Taako tries to think back and he starts to remember bits and pieces. There was a kitchen - like the Marsiva but...better? Homey. Weird. He saw someone and they talked. It felt nice. It wasn't Kravitz because if he'd seen Kravitz in his dreams, they wouldn't have talked much or at all.

But someone.

Someone who said he could trust them.

And, surprisingly, he wanted to trust them. He wanted to trust them a lot.

Taako tries to concentrate on bringing their face to the front of his memory when he suddenly winces, grabbing his head and stumbling. The blankets around his shoulders drop to the floor as static erupts like a knife, bursting fireworks behind his eyes.]

Ow! What the fuck?!

[She takes a step forward as he jerks, reaching out to grasp his shoulder, trying to support him in case he falls. What does it mean? What does that mean?]

Taako!? Are you okay? Did you remember?

[Hadn't this happened before, in the dream? Her memory of what happened isn't perfect either, but he hadn't had his memories right away, had he? Something had triggered them. Maybe- maybe she can-]

[He remembers something - the feeling of being bereft. Something was given to him last night, something wonderful, and now that he's awake again, it's been stolen. He can more keenly feel that hole left behind by it now, like it's been freshly ripped from his soul. It's a familiar ache that he's known all his life, but with renewed pain because for one brief and beautiful moment, he knew what fit there.

Now it's just empty as it's always been, but he knows that something is supposed to exist there. For years he'd thought it was just a character flaw of his, some inherent piece of him was always missing. It had explained why he was such an asshole and why he never felt comfortable anywhere. But now he knew. Something belonged there, something that made him better, more complete - and it was gone.

Taako jerks back when she touches his shoulder, jumping at the sensation of someone touching him. In another life, would he have let someone comfort him? Is that what he's missing? It feels like he's lost half his heart, an empty hopeless sensation that he fills with the only sensation he knows: vitriol.]

No, I'm not okay. Do I look okay?

Whatever just happened created a whole new block of static in my head. That's a shitfuck way to wake up.

[She lets her hand hang in the air between them for a long moment, just... staring, blinking rapidly watching his expression change. She reaches out for him again but stops herself this time and withdraws. He doesn't... he doesn't... he can't...

...gods. She'd known it was a possibility, but to watch it happen in real time is like being gutted. His anger is just another twist. This feels worse than silverpoint in her veins, sinking in and clawing away that stupid, childish thought that for even a second they could regain what they'd lost, that this might be the push they'd needed-

One more try. Just. One more try. She can't give up so easily.]

We were... we were together. You found me, I- we were in the Starblaster...

[You remembered-]

We--

[What?

Taako stares at her for a moment, a flash of something running across his features. She was with him last night? That's where he'd been? With her? On the ░▓█░▓▓▓▓█? He can't grasp the word he just heard, but the important part makes it across.

He was with her. He was with Lup when he'd felt whole again. That feeling had happened when she was around. His ears are pinned straight up, curiosity and desperation for clarity warring in his heart. Then, slowly, they drop low again as he realizes what must have been taken from him.

Memories of her. Memories with her. Whoever she is, she was important. That realization flits through his mind and he clings to it like water in his hands, the understanding as fragile as a bubble. Thinking about this hurts. It hurts a lot. It brings that static right to the forefront of his mind, drilling like an ice pick between his eyes, but he thinks on it harder, hands pressing against his temples.

He'd wanted to trust that unknown person. That person was Lup. So he should trust her? That person last night was important to him, vitally so. Lup said they were together last night. So that means? He should be able to--]

Nngh--!!

[It was like dragging rusty nails across glass and chalkboards all at once inside his head. Taako squeezes his eyes shut.]

Fuuuuuck. Lup, I can't-- It won't--

[He wobbles on his feet, the static getting worse as he tries to confront it for once, pushing back against the heavy curtain between him and the night previous. It's right there, like a bright ball of magic waiting to be tapped into, shaped into a spell. He can tell it's there, but reaching for it is like getting dragged backwards by the pounding waves of an endless ocean. He scrambles forward and it hurts so much.]

Fuck-!

[It's hurting him.

He's trying to remember her and it's hurting him.

She inhales sharply as the realization dawns on her, watching him struggle through it, feeling a bit more of her heart shatter with every passing second. It isn't going to work, she knows. She knows that now. May as well flush all that hope right back down the shitter where it belongs.

...No, she knew before. She knew in the dream, she knew the moment she woke up, she knew as soon as he opened his door. Should've just let him sleep for all the good this has done. Should've just... pretended nothing happened. Now she's made it worse all over again, and this has probably screwed everything up, and if she could go back and change it all she would because she would honestly rather rip her own godsdamned heart out than hurt him like this.

Fuck is right. She's such a fool.

She lets him struggle with it for a few seconds longer than she knows that she should, if she were a better person, before she finally reaches out to grip his shoulders again, giving him a firm shake this time and not letting go.]

Stop. Taako, stop it.

[Her voice is weak, far too weak, so she closes her eyes and digs deep, deep, deep into her soul and she finds that iron will that let her survive a decade alone without losing her mind. She finds the stone-cold bitch within who could relay information of a thousand deaths without losing her cool in front of her family, so they wouldn't know she'd reached her breaking point, and that point was a grand total of ten thousand dead.

Only Taako knew. Taako always knew.

He doesn't know, now.

So she reaches deep down and she finds that wall and she builds it up around herself, brick by bullshit brick. She leans in until she can catch Taako's eye and she tries again, her words stronger this time, her expression a mask of calm.]

Stop, Taako. Stop hurting yourself. It's okay.

[It's okay to forget me.]

[It's such a struggle and Taako has never been one to work hard at anything a day in his life. Cooking was the exception and that had ended about as well as anything else in his life had ended. But now he's pushing against the static in his mind, clawing at the imagery of black curtains and darkness mixed in with light and sleek countertops, and trying. It's disorienting; images flickering across his mind only to slip away the moment he sees them, that long-forgotten feeling of being off-kilter like the ground is suddenly slanted underneath him even if he's standing still. It would make him nauseous if he were moving, but thankfully he's just hunched in his doorway like some crazy person going on a bad trip.

He can hear Lup telling him to stop, saying that he's hurting himself and that it's fine if he can't remember, but he doesn't listen. She shakes him and it does nothing to alleviate the pain or the nausea, or the rising annoyance at how even-keeled she sounds. She's detaching and isn't that just like her?

How...does he know that?

She's acting like it doesn't affect her even if her heart is probably breaking into a million pieces. It makes him sick and it's such a visceral reaction that he jerks his head up to look her in the eye, his frustration written plainly across his pained features.

--if I have to give myself head trauma to do it.

He said that last night. About what?]

Fuck off with that whole attitude, Lulu. I'm trying to do a thing here? Even if the Voidfish is being a total douche and trying to keep it from me--

[He winces, putting a hand on her shoulder to steady himself. It's solid and reassuring and he doesn't know why. It's there though, he knows the answer is in here somewhere, if only he could concentrate long enough on it, he's certain it would reveal itself.

It's hard to be...well, me when I don't have--.

Don't have what? It's devoured in static and slippery images, fire and light and darkness swirling together. Something cold and terrifying, something warm and loving, something sappy and gross that left him feeling whole.

He felt whole for once. He can't let that go.]

It's not okay! That shitty jelly-- [He stops, letting the static clear for a moment and then he throws his hands up, ignoring how his voice cracks as he talks.]

It's not fucking okay! These are my memories, my fucking life, and it has no right to them! It stole something from me and I want it the fuck back! [He takes a breath, trying to even out the panic at his realization that it's eating new memories now, too. It's something that happened just last night and it's consumed it without even being here. Something important. Someone important. Lup was there. She knows, but she can't tell him.]

No one steals from Taako. I mean, I know it's just some dumb space fish, but creezus! What a prick!

[She reacts to the nickname as if she'd been struck, her mask cracking a little as she tries to recover from it. He's used it a few times already since that first time, but something about their proximity to last night, after hearing him use it intentionally instead of accidentally, makes it all the more visceral. She grits her teeth, wrestling with her heart and her conscience, trying to figure out what to do or say- how to help him or make this better, somehow.]

That's not what I meant! I know it sucks ass, but you can't just muscle your way past the static! And how am I supposed to explain to everybody that you gave yourself brain damage because of me, huh!?

[There's no perfect solution to this problem, but there has to be a way to stave off this panic, to stop him from straining himself and causing actual harm. As wizards they both know how bad that sort of magic can get. What if the Voidfish's block is capable of doing more than just sealing away information? That Miller guy was right, there's still a lot they don't know about Fisher and its kind. More than fifty years and they still have so many unanswered questions.]

Pfft, like they give a shit what happens to us - to me.

[The slip is small, but it's there and it...confuses him. He stops, staring at Lup for a moment, before turning abruptly and heading back into his room. He scoops the blanket up off the ground, throwing it onto the bed with a petulant huff. The headache is vivid and painful, fading as he stops thinking on it too much, bides his time before he tries again.

Whatever is going on with the voidfish and its weird memory powers, something happened last night that was significant. It was important and the loss of it feels like a piece of him has been carved away. The wound is so fresh, he can almost touch it and taste the blood. He reaches up to his heart, presses his fingers against the thin fabric of his shirt and feels it ache. His fingers curl into a fist, anger blooming in the emptiness.]

It's not fair. I'm not even on that planet anymore.

[She almost misses that slip-up, returning his stare with conflicted confusion, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides as she resists the urge to reach out for him again. She should leave, she knows, before she makes it worse or hurts him again. Even as she thinks it, though, she can't... get her legs to move in that direction. Leaving him alone like this... would that be worse?

She should get Magnus. She should call Kravitz. She should bring someone here to support him without hurting him, someone he knows and trusts and remembers. He shouldn't be left alone to deal with this. At least she's more used to that, right? She could handle it for a few days while whatever this is blows over.

She can't... quite shake off the words he'd said to her the night before, though. Things are a little blurry here and there, ethereal and distant, but certain parts of it ring through loud and clear.

"You can talk to me."

"He wants to remember you. I want to remember you."

And she definitely doesn't want him to give himself head trauma, hell no, but there has to be something else they can do. Something to soothe the static in his head, to ease this awful ache rising to life in her chest. She presses a hand to her heart, echoing his gesture unconsciously for a moment before she catches herself, and finally makes a decision, stepping forward instead of away, following him inside.]

Does... anything feel... different? Anything you can notice?

Yeah it feels different.

[He throws himself dramatically on the bed in an effort to regain his equilibrium. He isn't an angst factory. He's not meant to be the emo kid. He had a lot of shit happen to him, sure, and it sucked, but what was the point of dwelling on it, right? This is just another chapter in the long line of "Well, that's fucked up, innit?" chapters in Taako's autobiography, and he can deal with it as long as he doesn't think about it too much.

Which is hard to do with Lup right there, slowly prodding him into thinking about it.

He burrows into the blanket, which is not as satisfying as the pillow forts he could build with the mishmash of pillows back on the First Breath, and huffs.]

It feels like they ripped my heart open, which is impressive seeing as I don't have one. The assholes.

...Dumbass.

[It's a halfhearted murmur, barely audible. Of course he has one. This wouldn't bother him if he didn't, and she knows better than anyone what he's capable of when it comes to matters of the heart. She recognizes his obvious retreat, though, and it brings back that wave of unease, of indecision. She'd come in, she'd committed herself to this, but now she can't help second-guessing the idea. Watching him like this- it hurts again, worse than before. Her chest aches, heart pounding, and that sinking feeling in her gut is familiar in a way she can't place, not quite yet. When has she felt like this before...?]

Maybe you wouldn't have known at all, if I hadn't come... or maybe they knew I'd ask? Fuck, it's a garbage situation either way. Okay, well, it doesn't really matter- just, I dunno, try to forget about it-

[She stops herself, mouth clamping shut. A poor choice of words, and a joke in poor taste, besides. For her it's easier to make light of things or lock those feelings up tight than actually deal with them, especially when it's something that can't be helped, but it shouldn't be done at his expense.]

[He stiffens visibly underneath the blankets, hands clenched in the fabric like a lifeline. He's tired of forgetting. He's tired of being made to forget. And while he knows it's only a slip of the tongue, it doesn't hurt any less. Trying to decipher what he'd forgotten makes him nauseous, the floor slips and slides underneath him, the sound of static filling every space in him that isn't occupied by anger.

He's missing something, it was stolen from him, and he knows it was important. It's blatantly obvious and yet he can't see it. His heart is raw and for the first time since he was a child, he can feel how utterly empty it is. It should have been full of something, but it's gone now. Maybe it never existed in the first place. Or maybe having it back for a night and getting it ripped away from him just made him remember how long it's been since he felt whole.

After a tense moment of silence, he hisses out a reply through the strain of the static and the thin line of his own self-control.]

I'd know. It's hard not to know when there's a hole left behind.

[A hole...

...something just... clicks into place in her mind, as he says it. Ripped open. A hole in his heart. Stolen. It's too familiar.

The first time Taako died after she'd become a lich, they'd fallen together, too quickly for anyone to stop it or help them. Her spectral form had survived it, but... he didn't. And it'd been close enough to the start of the year that she'd truly felt his absence. It was her first time losing him, losing her heart and her center and one-half of the tether around her sanity, after giving herself up to the power and emotion of her own arcane power, and she'd never experienced his loss to that degree before. For weeks she'd been overwhelmed, practically drowning in it, burying her thoughts of him deeper and deeper into the back of her mind to avoid breaking entirely. She'd been... unsafe to be around, some days. Barry had noticed before she completely broke, had dragged her off away from the crew and helped her through some coping methods, stuck with her more often so she could center herself again. By the end of the year she was finally stable, enough that she could face him properly as herself when they both returned to life, and they'd returned to business as usual. But for a while, she truly learned the extent of what a risk she'd taken, choosing to become what she is now.

There'd been a hole ripped into her heart. He'd been stolen away. She'd remembered him still, but hadn't that also been the problem? Isn't that the problem now, knowing him and wanting him back when he's out of her reach?

She inhales sharply, her fingers tightening in the fabric of her shirt. She knows. She knows what this feeling is, now.]

Sorry... I didn't...

[She takes a step backwards, her voice somewhat strained and unfocused as she works through the realization. This was a mistake. This was a mistake and now they both know and there's a hole in his heart and he's her heart but she can't fill it.

Barry's not here.

She's not safe to be around.]

It's--

[He takes a shallow breath that should have been a deep one, but the gradually subsiding pain in his head won't let his lungs take in the air they need. He feels like he's drowning right here in the bed, grasping at the surface but getting dragged further under the waves as he fights to remember what he'd lost.]

--not your fault.

[You can trust her.

But he doesn't trust anyone.

But you could trust her.

Taako squeezes his eyes shut against the voice in his head, the one point of clarity in the mud of his brain. He could confide in her, but what good would it do? She sounds hurt enough already and if him being a sulky bitch-baby over losing whatever it was that he had last night - a brief, beautiful moment of feeling right - then didn't he owe her to pretend to be fine? She'd sat by his bed while he was nearly dead, told him that she'd never go anywhere, made his heart ache almost like this ache in his chest right now.

But it'd been pleasant. A relief. He had thought that maybe he could believe her.

And now she's hurting.]

It's not your fault I can't remember shit.

[It's not her fault he feels like he's living a half-life, calloused over and hardened against whatever it was that used to be in him. What used to be soft and loving maybe. Now he only understands immediate gratification, the most immediate needs. He's full of thorns and walls constructed to keep himself safe against a world that never gave a shit about him.

Taako sits up and he forces himself to breathe, blankets still wrapped around himself like a cocoon.]

You don't gotta apologize for what the Voidfish or the Atroma did. It's not like you did anything wrong.

...I know.

[Well, she does and she doesn't, but they've already had that conversation and rehashing it right now would be pointless. She can tell by the sound of his voice that he's struggling in a similar way that she is, the pain of forgetting versus the pain of being forgotten, the conversation only serving to aggravate both. What else is there to say? To rant and rave against a problem they can't face? To get all riled up and accidentally out herself as some kind of monster in his eyes, thus separating him even further from her than he already is? Or worse, to hurt him more than what he's feeling now when the inevitable argument or combined misery causes her already strained control to shatter?

She needs to leave. She needs to leave right now. This chasm of separation, despite standing right in front of one another, is unraveling the tether around her soul one strand at a time, the one already frayed after ten years away from both of her centers. She can't think about this anymore, not when it feels like this.]

Listen, um... I'm gonna go. I have to take care of something. [Myself, my heart, my stupid fucking lich soul that kind of wants to explode everything in sight right now because this is the most frustrating thing in the universe.] No biggie, you just look like you need another six hours of sleep so I might as well do it now. But I'll be back s-

[She cuts herself off again, because- no. Not again. Never again. Those words still haunt her, that pointless, unhelpful note she'd left for them, the cause of her ten-year imprisonment with no hope of rescue. And until she gets this under control, she can't make any promises to him, period.

She takes a deep breath. Takes another step back, towards the door.]

I'll... talk to you later.

[And then she turns and runs out, because holy shit she can feel electricity sparking around her chest and she does not want him to see that. She runs straight for her room and does not look back.

Sorry, Taako. She needs help, and you can't help her.]

[When she mentions leaving, Taako's ears perk up and he turns on the bed. She's already pulling back though and Taako feels like his heart is getting pulled with her. It doesn't make any sense, but he keeps the confusion bitten back, held in check, because it looks like she's bolting. It's a sensation he's intimately familiar with and seeing her prepare to leave hurts, to be frank.

He can't blame her. It's not like he's given any real compelling reasons to stay other than a barely remembered dream and a bunch of static in his head. She takes a step back and Taako watches her as she runs, unable to get anything out before she leaves. The door swings slowly shut after her and Taako sits there, alone, staring at the spot where she'd been just a moment before.

He should have expected that and he lets out a half-hearted sigh, falling back onto the bed. Maybe he can knock himself unconscious and just forget this morning ever happened.

He seems phenomenally good at forgetting lately.}

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the white noise is deafening silence

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