losing it hurt the first time

[somakemelaugh]

Who: Undertaker and WHOEVER!
Broadcast: Video
Action: On the Goldstone, in the lab where Undertaker works
When: Naow


The loss of 20/20 vision had been a crippling thing when his life ended all that time ago and Undertaker found himself thrown to the mercies of the afterlife and what awaited him upon his suicide. No one needed to explain it to him then, but it was a form of control enacted by the gods, designed to keep everyone who followed those same footsteps in check. By degrading vision, something people relied on heavily, and giving them a singular means to correct it, the higher ups were assured that those under their employ would follow the rules.

Only they hadn't counted on Undertaker and what he did to bend those rules. Those first few weeks after his escape had been painful, to say the least. First with the injuries that led to his many scars, then to the headaches as he taught himself painstakingly to live without spectacles. Oh, it hadn't been easy, but it had all been necessary.

Now, it was necessary again, and all in the opposite direction. He was well aware of what he had been missing, forcing himself to cope with only half of the sight he should have had, and what he paid for in the wonders around him, he gained independence. Getting it all back, having his sight not only corrected, but improved, now that one hurt. He had tried to tolerate it, tried to fight through it. But it's quite clear to anyone who comes across him or views the footage that he's having a time of it.

Every few moments, he has to stop what he's doing and cover his eyes. This happens several times before he stops completely and feels his way to a seat in the lab and just sits there, face in both hands, and groans aloud where he thinks no one can hear him.

Poor him. If only he knew...

Comments

[sweetlies]

I suppose so. [Undertaker would know best, even if he logically knows he will eventually.] I've certainly gotten a longer chance since we left England.

[He's certainly not looking forward to it any more than he was though. Before he would just... cease to exist, according to Sebastian. Now? He's sure his soul is still damned.]

[somakemelaugh]

[He has given that thought, even before they were pulled out of their home world and to Riverview for the first time. But then things shifted, the situation changed, and there with it came all of the opportunities and challenges. But so far, all he has seen are opportunities.]

Longer than we know. What is it you want these days, milord?

[sweetlies]

[So many opportunities. And he's still learning them all, finding things that make him happy and reminding himself, Undertaker reminding him, that he's allowed that happiness.]

Mhm. [He has to think about that one.] I'm not sure. I want a little house of our own again. I'm not sure what else yet.

[somakemelaugh]

[He'll wait as long as he has to for that answer. He's going to be here for a little while. But he does smile when he hears that, more than usual.]

I would agree with that. We need a home again, milord. If ever you want to leave the fleet to join one of these systems, I would be happy to follow you. You know that.

[sweetlies]

[If Undertaker wasn't resting, he'd go and wrap his arms around the man.]

I'm glad, nowhere would feel like home without you anymore. Maybe we'll find a planet we like soon, we'll find somewhere nice for a house. And room for a whole library of our own. A fireplace to curl in front of and cozy blankets.

[He's already feeling a little homesick for it.]

[somakemelaugh]

[Oh, he knows it, and he hears it. And it makes him hurt a little to just lie here and let the boy whine like that. So he sits up and pats a space on the bed beside him. Too bad they're not big enough for two people to stretch out on.]

Should I give you a pen and paper and let you start designing the floor plans?

[sweetlies]

[Whining? He objects, he wasn’t whining!

... well, maybe a little. He goes over to Undertaker when he sees that, hugging him tightly for a moment, letting out a soft laugh, and then giving a gentle poke.]

That could be fun but all I really care about is that you’re there. Nothing feels like home without you.

[somakemelaugh]

[He won't dare turn hugs away, not when Ciel wants them. The poke gets a little twitch.]

My lord is too kind. Still think we'll need floor plans though. Otherwise we'll be living in a cave in the woods somewhere and I can't say I'm too fond of that thought, even if I don't need anything so high class as what you had back home.

[sweetlies]

[For Undertaker, hugging has become a common occurrence. He likes the contact, these days.]

Hm... I suppose that would be rather uncomfortable, wouldn't it? A cozy little cottage would suit us better anyway. Can't leave me to plan it all though.

[somakemelaugh]

[He lifts a hand and scritches fingers through Ciel's hair, in awe of the individual strands that he can see now without having to bend closer. After a moment or two, there's the twinge behind his eyes again and he closes them.]

No? Do you really want my input on this, milord? You've seen my parlor and the way I decorate.

[sweetlies]

[He sees his eyes close and settles to just lay his head against the reaper. Part of him feels a little bad for disturbing his rest, he's sure Undertaker needs it.]

Of course, it wouldn't feel like home otherwise. A bit of both of us in everything.

[somakemelaugh]

[He feels Ciel lean against him and stays where he is, letting the boy rest there.]

I suppose I did convince you to let a skeleton into our home the last time around. You rather liked him too, as I recall.

[sweetlies]

[He tries to be gentle at least, wanting Undertaker to be able to rest as much as he wants and needs. That was why he'd rushed down, after all.]

It wouldn't have been the same without him. And I know he made you happy. That made all the difference.

[somakemelaugh]

[It doesn't bother him, and if it does, he's not showing it. How can he be bothered?]

Old habits and all. I used to talk to the mannequins and the bodies in my parlor when no one else was around. Helps keep the crazy at bay.

[sweetlies]

[He really is too good for Ciel.]

I don't think you're crazy. At least, not in a bad way. You could say I am too though. And I'm sure it got terribly lonely there. I wish I'd warmed up to you sooner. I could have given you better company.

[somakemelaugh]

[He grins and rubs Ciel's shoulder, because he can.]

Ah, milord, I think we both know you would have stayed the course had we not been pulled away to an entirely different world. I would have expected nothing less of you. After all, what did I have to offer that your demon didn't?

[sweetlies]

[That feels good... even if part of his mind objects a little. He’s supposed to be making Undertaker feel better.]

More than likely. I really needed to be pulled away to be made to see reason. I’m just glad it was you. [He pauses though it doesn’t take much thought towards what he says next.]

You could have given me everything Sebastian could, I think, just without the butler or dying at the end.

[somakemelaugh]

[He'll keep doing it anyway, because he can, and because it's helping him feel better anyway.]

As am I. There are things you relied on him for that I wouldn't have been able to do, but here, it was different. You needed me here. And, if we're being honest, I need you. You are still the only thing in this world I care for.

[sweetlies]

[Oh. Well, if it’s helping, who is he to object? Especially if they’re both enjoying it.]

I did. I do, still. Even if I’ve grown up more than I might have otherwise, it would feel wrong without you. Like... like a fever dream, everything would feel unreal without you. [He nuzzles a little, smiles, and teases a little.]

Are you sure you can handle being need by such a spoiled brat?

[somakemelaugh]

[No one, especially if neither of them are shoving the contact away.]

Tends to happen with oh so many years of habit behind you. We were apart for a few short weeks here, and even with me visiting you on a nightly basis, it wasn't enough to patch that gap. I suppose that means we're well and truly stuck with each other.

[sweetlies]

[And Ciel rarely ever does.]

It wasn't. Knowing you're close makes me feel at ease. I'm never alone. [He beams, giving him as tight a hug as he dares and is able to give with how they're settled.] I like that, honestly. Going world to world with you, even if we end up back in England at some point.

[somakemelaugh]

[That's not a bad thing. He won't argue this in the least. Instead, what he does is to hold this boy close as Ciel wants.]

I would like very much for that to be a continuing thing, even if we end up in some strange world or back in your manor, as long as we get moments like this, I can tolerate this.

[sweetlies]

[He's more than happy to settle against him, lay his head where he can, and just relax with Undertaker.

Some helper he is...]

I'd like that too. More than anything, just to be able to settle somewhere that we'll be comfortable and happy. If we ever go back to England, I think I'd like to find somewhere smaller than the manor though. It's too big and empty to me now. I wonder why it never bothered me before.

[somakemelaugh]

[He picks a hand up and runs fingers through that hair again and again, as he does.]

I never told you about the cabin I have way out in the woods, did I? Your brother will want to stay in the manor, but I think you already know that. If we end up back in England, I'd like to keep with him if we can, but I'd love to take you both to that cabin as a getaway home.

[sweetlies]

A cabin?

[He perks up a bit, curious and smiling. That sounds cozy. About as cozy as their little cottage. Maybe moreso. He wonders, immediately, what it's like.]

I'm sure he will but I'm also sure we'd both love that too. Maybe we could do weekends away, just the three of us? No one to bother us but each other.