002 - Hardware Store

[preformthisneigh]

Who: Cheese Sandwich and You!
Broadcast: Fleetwide - video
Action: Bishop
When: Right now.

[Cheese has been here for three months now, and it's clear Atroma aren't about to get rid of him, so he has an important mission to carry out. He turns on the video feed at stares down at the camera, his face is serious. This is serious business. ]

Okay, everypony. I have a super duper absolutely utterly important question to ask all of you. I really, really need an answer from everypony. It's that important.

[He leans a little closer in, to show how REALLY IMPORTANT it is. ]

I need to you tell me when your birthdays are. I also accept dates of anniversaries or likewise important dates to you.

[He picks up a pencil from off camera, and sits poised, ready to write into a little notebook. His words are a little muffled when he speaks again on account of the pencil in his mouth. Earth pony problems.]

OKAY GO!

Comments

[thezerothlaw]

I don't, however, need a celebration for that. It's simply history.

[preformthisneigh]

Of course you do! It might be history, but it's an important piece of history. It's when everypony who cares about you can show you how glad they are that you're in the world.

[thezerothlaw]

But that has never been necessary. I have been functioning for twenty decades, and it has never been necessary to note the date in any particular way.

[preformthisneigh]

[Look how sad you've made the tiny horse, man. Look at the sadness. ]

How do you know that if you've never done it? Maybe you'll find how really super-duper necessary is it when you do it.

[thezerothlaw]

[Oh no. Oh no sad tiny horse this is terrible.]

I am a robot. I don't have the same needs that a human does -- or any other biological organism, for that matter.

[preformthisneigh]

So? I'm not a human, either. That's not like...the yardstick to base every need to have against. If you exist, you have a right to be happy, and have celebrations to help you feel happy.

[thezerothlaw]

[Happy. Okay. Daneel gives this serious thought.]

I am most content in the company of those I am privileged to call friends, while knowing that they are happy, comfortable, and safe. I'm not sure I experience "happiness" in the same context you do.

[preformthisneigh]

No no, that works as happiness, too. Some of us get our happiness from knowing those we care about are happy. That's pretty much how we party ponies work.

[thezerothlaw]

'Party ponies'?

[A curious term. But then, so are sentient equines.]

Would you be willing to explain further?

[preformthisneigh]

Sure! We party ponies make others happy by throwing them parties. We're really good at it, and learn what everypony needs to cheer them up. We even have these weird twitches and stuff to know when and where we're needed the most.

It's like being superheroes!

Except with parties and joy.

[thezerothlaw]

[He considers this very seriously for a moment.]

That is a valuable calling, I believe.

[preformthisneigh]

[He is glad this guy clearly UNDERSTANDS. ]

It is! I wouldn't want it any other way.

[thezerothlaw]

[Making people happy is probably the easiest thing ever for him to understand, fortunately!]

The First Law of Robotics states that a robot must not harm a human being, nor through inaction allow a human to come to harm. To bring pleasure to a human, or to another sentient being for that matter, is an honourable goal.

[preformthisneigh]

I'd of thought that would be a law for most things, really. Don;'t hurt anypony else.

But thanks, I really like the destiny I got.

[thezerothlaw]

It should be. However, I know that there are humans who do not follow it, either in regards to others or even themselves.

[He pauses.]

I don't know if this is also the case for ponies.

[preformthisneigh]

Ohhhh we have some ponies who are real jerks. Some even...go kinda crazy and try to take over the kingdom. But for the most part, we're a lot less violent towards each other.

[thezerothlaw]

As are most humans, I believe.

[He has a lot of faith in humanity.]

[preformthisneigh]

Most of the ones I've met have been OK? The meat eating thing is kinda gross and the fact they keep horses as slaves is creepy, but otherwise they're OK.

[thezerothlaw]

Slaves?

[He frowns slightly.]

I imagine it would seem that way to you, yes. The horses of the world I know are not sapient, as you are. On the other hand, I imagine that were small, human-like apes kept as pets in your world, the humans I know would be equally disturbed.

As far as the meat-eating, humans require a certain amount of protein and the correct fats and amino acids in their diet. The easiest way for them to obtain these nutrients is through the consumption of meat or specially-grown yeast-based meat substitutes. They have evolved to need this, or they would become ill.

[preformthisneigh]

No, they're not. I saw them in the horse prisons in Paradisa. [There isn't a word for 'stables' in Equestria, and even if Cheese knows that's the name, they will always be prisons to him. ] They just stared blanky and you'd go up to one and say:

Howdy friend! I see you're in prison. Do you want me to liberate you?!

And then they'd just [he makes a whinny] and that'd be that. It's like they've had some kind of horrible accident that means they can't speak or think or anything. It's awful.

[He shudders a little, before tilting his head to one side. ]

Are you sure? Because I met a couple humans in Paradisa who were vegetarians. They didn't seem all that sick.

[HOW DO HUMANS EVEN WORK, HE DOESN'T KNOW. ]

[thezerothlaw]

It has been my experience that most who keep domestic animals, horses or otherwise, strive to keep them well. I fear there may be exceptions.

[There are, of course, even if he has a lot of faith in humans, generally.]

There are those who are vegetarian, by choice or necessity, but it requires careful meal planning to ensure all necessary nutrients are consumed from other sources. Indeed, in some societies I know of, real meat is a luxury, and it is usually replaced by a synthetic substance meant to imitate the taste, texture, and nutrient content of meat. Without those nutrients, humans will suffer malnutrition. Surely there are creatures in your world, sapient or animal, who must eat meat to survive? It is similar.

[preformthisneigh]

Most of the humans I met in Paradisa were really good to their weird zombie horses.

[He kind of zones out for a little, there. That's a lot of words. He shakes his head clear when he realises he's being asked a question. ]

Uh. Yeah. We have predators? Like...dragons and chimeras and stuff? Tigers and lions, too, if you want something more regular. We tend to keep away from them on account of the fact they want to eat us.

[thezerothlaw]

[Daneel is good at too many words. Sorry.]

Understandable. And I certainly wish that no one here feels that you would be appropriate to eat us. If anyone does give you trouble, please let me know.

[preformthisneigh]

Heh, I'll bear that in mind. Thanks, amigo.