video ♪ the viewers really want the D(warf)

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric and open
Broadcast: Video, and open!
Action: The Marsiva.
When: Thursday afternoon

[video;]

[The feed opens with a glorious shot of a gold-embroidered scarlet tunic-- a nice, slow pan across the gently furred planes of a man's chest, the brassy necklace resting across his collarbone, the dip of his throat--

-- and then he punches the camera upward.]

Ha ha, all right, you've had your fill. Stubborn metal piece of shit. [Varric looks none-too-amused.] Just tell me who took all my wine and maybe, maybe I won't tear the walls down.

[He leans back and rubs at his face. While he's usually pretty sharp and charismatic, right now there's a glimpse of how tired he is.]

Something tells me I'm gonna need it after you all tell me what happened while I was--

[A pause. He glances offscreen, takes in the sight of the stars and the hospitality deck of the Marsiva. Kidnapped three times? Really? What the hell is his life?]

-- somewhere else.

Comments

[save_the_souls]

I haven't heard of many people coming back at all here. And the last place I was, if someone did return, it was rare that they'd remember their last stay...

[So uh, yeah. this is unusual. You can tell on his face he's trying to mull over the possibilities.]

[And yeah, like any sane human being he's assuming Bianca is a woman]

Oh, I'm sorry...I'd imagine it would be difficult being worlds apart from the person you love.

[merchantprince]

I'm usually more subtle about breaking the mold. Trendsetting isn't my thing.

[He shakes his head and schools his expression into one of regret.

Star-crossed lovers are as old as time. [A wistful sigh.] I can only hope that whatever profit they're making off this goes straight into my bank account.

[save_the_souls]

It's not exactly a bad trend to set, I think.

[Better than having people forget him, over and over again]

I...don't think Romeo & Juliet ended with profit, I'm afraid.

[merchantprince]

Yeah, I think I'm okay with this one.

[A pause. He spins one of the loops in his ears.]

So? People rewrite endings all the time. That's the difference between stories and real life. You can change what you don't like.

[save_the_souls]

[...]

Then I think I'd like the ending more where against all odds, you and Bianca are reunited with one another and never get separated again.

[merchantprince]

I like that one, too. Or the one where we run off together and never have to deal with debt collectors again.

[He huffs.]

I'd just like to know where she is right now. Is it humid? Is it freezing cold? Neither of those things are good for her constitution. Maker, what if some other guy is touching her trigger?

Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.

[save_the_souls]

[Wait. What??]

Her trigger?

[IS THAT SOME THEDAS SLANG OR...]

[merchantprince]

[Varric keeps going. Doing this routine keeps his mind off the more serious shit.]

She's calibrated just right for me, but I guarantee any other guy wouldn't get her to release so easy. And you have to make sure to have the right kind of polish or else she'll choke at a bad moment.

[save_the_souls]

....Are you talking about a gun?!

[merchantprince]

Bianca is not a gun. Besides, her firing rate is much better.

[save_the_souls]

You're a star-crossed lover with a weapon??

[HE'S SEEN PEOPLE BE VERY ATTACHED TO THEIR WEAPON, INCLUDING HIMSELF, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS]

[merchantprince]

[Allen, being attached to your weapon doesn't count when it is literally your fucking arm!!!!]

What can I say? I live a life of daring and adventure. We're just perfect for each other.

[save_the_souls]

Dear God...

[PEOPLE IN THIS FLEET, HONESTLY]