driftfleet | Є004

Entry tags:

Є004

Who: Elena + You
Broadcast: video
Action: marsiva
When: rite nao!!

[Elena is curled up on one of the couches.]

So is anyone else starting to get a little worried we're not going back to our ships? I thought maybe this would last a couple of days or a week at the most, but...

[She shakes her head a little with a sigh.]

At least they gave us some entertainment, I guess.

[If her tone of voice is any indication, she doesn't find that all that comforting.]

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People have been calling you paranoid about the the same...people [to use the term loosely] who kidnapped us and stuck us in a space reality TV show against our will putting augments in our brains and giving us no way back home without their say-so?

Yes.

[Wow, how much bitter sarcasm can one dude pour into one syllable? Apparently a lot.]

[Do we need to pop in the Princess Bride again, Caesar? She can queue it up.]

Well, it's not paranoia if it's true.

[If something's worth watching once, it's worth watching 2739482349 times.]

That's what they say.

Providing entertainment just seems like a good way to keep us complacent.

I hate to say it, but there's not exactly a whole lot we could do against them right now anyway.

Thank you for reminding me.

Sorry, I'm usually a little better at this whole cheering people up thing.

[Being quite used to dire situations and all.]

[Yeah, well, you're talking to the eternal pessimist here, so.]

It wouldn't be helpful if it were just a lie. It's fine.

Is a lie really such a bad thing if it gives someone hope?

That's not what I mean. It wouldn't give me hope if I knew it wasn't true.

You don't ever try to at least trick yourself into believing it?

No.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

I think I would like to see the truth of things, if I can.

I don't think I always want to. I don't like it when people lie to me intentionally, [and take the choice away from her] but sometimes it feels better seeing something else. Even if it's only for a little while.

Mm.

Can you give me an example?

[Elena thinks a moment before switching the feed over to a private setting.]

I pretended that becoming what I am didn't really change me for a long time. I had to give up the idea of so many things that were keeping me going before, I couldn't lose myself on top of it.

I had to give up on having a career. Getting married. Having kids. Growing old. You know, that stuff was hard to believe in before I died. [Elena swallows thickly, shaking her head a little. It all seemed a little too selfish and out of reach even as a human doppelganger. The people who were close to her and that she loved would always be in danger by virtue of what she is.] Then it became impossible. I wasn't ready to die at eighteen. I know that's a weak excuse, but...

This...it's not what I wanted. I had the choice before. It was almost taken away from me because Damon was selfish and thought he was in love with me, but I was ready to take my chances on another way. And if I died then, at least the people who mattered to me were going to be okay and stay safe. Becoming a vampire was never on the table.

But the second time around was different. And I wasn't ready.

So, I held on for a really long time to that girl who almost died with her parents until I had to let her go because I didn't really have anything else left.

[I had to give up on having a career. Getting married. Having kids. Growing old.]

[His expression goes a little pinched. He wonders when, exactly, he decided that he wasn't going to have a future. There had to have been a point, a moment in time, when all of his plans changed. Was it right then at the beginning, with his father and the wall? Or was it later, when he was deep enough in training to really understand what he was up against? Or was it right at the end, when he had an ounce of strength left and he knew what he had to use it for?]

[Maybe he'll never know. But there was a moment when he just - gave up.]

[He gives her a crooked smile.]

I might not be able to understand. I was ready to die, when I did.

[For a brief second, Elena thinks she's heard him wrong. It's for that brief second that her expression is still as it was. But then it morphs into something else, her jaw going a little slack, her eyes widening. It's like a slap to the face. An abrupt awakening.]

I... I didn't know, Caesar. I'm... [Her expression changes again, brow furrowing and her voice softening in its tone. She doesn't mean to pity him because he's never really struck her as the type who needs it, but she never knew. She never thought to ask. And now that it's out there, she feels grief that she doesn't necessarily have a right to because why should someone like Caesar already be at the end of his life and be dead?] I'm so sorry.

[His response is predictable: a shake of his head, quick and sharp; he raises his hand in an attempt to cut her off.]

It happened. It's done. I don't regret it.

[At least not for the most part. There are times - but for the most part, he doesn't regret it.]

[Elena wants to ask what happened. Not out of a morbid curiosity, but just... To know. Deaths are just as important as any other event in someone's life. It can be a defining moment. But she holds back asking. It's hard to say if it's because she doesn't feel like being nosy about something that personal is the right thing to do right now, or because she's not sure he'll talk about it in any way that isn't cold and detached from it.]

I didn't mean to... [Elena shakes her head a little. No, he has to know she didn't mean to sound like she was pitying him.] Do other people know?

I . . .

[Hmm. Well. A few people, now, after calibrations. He isn't sure how many. And Ino, but he doesn't know she knows. So the obvious answer--]

My - friend. From home.

And that's it? You haven't told anyone else?

[...Okay, she's definitely starting to suspect this being at peace with it thing is a little bullshit. If he was at peace with it, wouldn't it come up more without hesitation? Why hide it from people?]

Some people might have found out. With the dreams.

[He doesn't understand the issue here. At all.]

"Might have."

Meaning you know they have and you're avoiding talking to them about it, or you really can't remember?

[Don't bullshit her, son. She can hear your heartbeat over the communicator.]

I know some people found out, but I don't know if everyone remembers every dream.

[. . . So he's avoiding talking to them about the possibility. Yes he is.]

Caesar, I don't know how you died, but...

[She knows that when you die this young, when there are vampires involved, it's never pretty. It's never easy. It's always abrupt, too soon, and tears at the people left behind. She's watched too many people die again and again and died herself enough times to know that's just the way it is. He's not going to be some magical exception to that rule.]

You can't just have people see something like that and... [She almost says "say nothing." But that's not the worst thing Caesar is doing. Not really. Her brow furrows as she shakes her head a little.] ...act like it's nothing. You can't do that. That's...That's not okay.

Є004

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