gotta get down for a mingle

[redactions]

Who: The crew of the SS Heron and visitors.
Broadcast: nope.
Action: Aboard the SS Heron.
When: After returning to the ship.

[ finally back on the right ship, except the corridors are all mysteriously cold and the ship seems smaller. Thanks, Atroma. New crew, visitors, starters in comments ]

Comments

[enshields]

[He misses Ebbets, he misses the game, he misses feeling like nothing else mattered at all in the world but the crack of the bat. The game was a way to be transported, it was a way to transcend. Steve had almost knocked one of Buck's teeth out once during a game, arms flung wide to celebrate a home run.

Good memories, laid to rest. But God, he thinks fiercely, not lost.]

Dunno. Given any thought to football?

[redactions]

[ Just for that, Jim comes over and drapes on him, with gentle pressure. This is still a negotiation. ]

You're hilarious.

[enshields]

[He pats Jim's shoulder with affection, warm and deliberate. Then,]

Why'd you really ask me here?

[redactions]

[ The joke is always first to form: needed someone to smell the meatloaf. He sobers, then, quietly, ]

Do you know who I am?

[enshields]

[Time, life changes people. He knows it, he's seen it. Steve Rogers, that skinny kid from Brooklyn that never learned to back down from a fight, he went to sleep in the ice and he never woke up. Captain America remembers him sometimes, clings fast to the pieces of who he used to be, but the future built a new man from the ashes of the old. It'd be a disservice to James Barnes to assume any differently for him. The tectonic shift to Jim is the skeleton of a redirected river, Steve is cracked stone. They are both elements, both sundered, frost burning the roots of their respective foundations. The gale howls, it swallows them both.

Steve's expression shifts, and he wonders, did I die on a Wednesday too?]

I know who you used to be.

[There's resolve in his words, however softly said. He searches Jim's eyes as he says it, looking for some small, impossible thing.]

I'd like to learn the rest, if you'd let me.

[redactions]

[ There is always resolve. Steve has stood firm through everything Jim has seen him face, and this is no different. His fingers tighten briefly on Steve's shoulder, scrambling for purchase, holding on for dear life. It's not the answer his ruined heart needs, but it's close. Next door neighbours. Jim exhales. ]

I've changed a lot.

[ He tries to say: you might not like it. Or perhaps something akin to I'm a real monster now. Nothing happens. ]

[enshields]

[Scrambling for purchase in the storm, all Steve can do is weather it with him. He lets his fingers close on Bucky's wrist, holding him firm but gently.]

You're my friend.

[If it's absolution he needs, forgiveness for whatever he feels he's done, he doesn't even have to ask for it, it's given freely and with everything he is. Steve knows the quality of his character. He's not perfect, what flaws he has are deep cracks at the core of him. But he's a good man, and Steve trusts that hasn't changed. Through war, through winter, through whatever bleak future he's endured-- immutable. Being a good man isn't always about doing good things, it doesn't always mean you make the right decisions, it doesn't mean you walk away unscarred, untarnished. Sometimes all it means is having more endurance than the other guy. But there is no one alive or dead he knows better than Bucky Barnes.]

[redactions]

[ The glass window of the Valkyrie cracked almost instantly, never shattered. The water was freezing. The ship had filled up almost inmediately, but there were moments. Minutes he had to consider if he wanted to keep swimming. Drowning was a relief; the only way to end the nightmare. ]

[ This isn't absolution. It's the water of baptism, and quietly he sinks into Steve's grip, unmoving for a long time, breathing slow and steady. ]

To the end of the line.

[ Wherever it goes. Whatever it asks. Steve whoever he is now or whatever he will be, is always worth it. ]

I love you.

[ I need you to know that. ]

[enshields]

[Sometimes, all you can do is staunch the bleeding. Steve draws Bucky in against him, letting hold on. Long as he needs.]

I know, pal. I love you too.

[His instinct is to say, who are you trying to convince? Bucky's never been one for reiterating truths taken to be self-evident. But he's shaken, shocked and scared, and the whole of the world has bent him beneath its weight, and the idea of adding unnecessarily to that yoke unnerves him.

Instead, gently,]

You were right. About-- him. The Winter Soldier. Whatever you're doing with him, it's-- helping.

[redactions]

​[ He breathes out, like a gasp of pain as a bullet's taken out of a wound, and stills. His heartbeat matches Steve's. Distantly he knows he shouldn't be bleeding all over him; he's stronger than that. There's not an inch of him that cares. Steve is his friend. Friends carry you, when you can't walk. Their love sustains you. They keep you warm when there's nothing but the winter. ]

Yeah well, I kinda got a cheat code, pal.

[enshields]

[Steve cracks a wry smile.]

Cheat code or not, I owe you an apology.

[redactions]

​[ There's a pause. Softly, ]

It's not right, that he'll do anything I say. One day that won't be the case, but we gotta — we gotta build to that.

[enshields]

[It's not right, but he'd. Gathered as much. Jim doesn't need to know that it galls him to hear it aloud.]

Give it time. We'll work through it. I'll help.

[redactions]

​[ Doesn't know, could probably guess, doesn't do that either. ]

Yeah. Peggy's been doin' her own... digging. He likes her.

[enshields]

[His smile loses some of its veracity, blink-and-you-miss-it. His voice is wistful, but not weighted when he replies,]

What's not to like?

[redactions]

​[ A soft, amused sound. ]

Yeah, yeah. Bein' in love looks real nice on ya, y'know.

​[ And her too. She's been smiling more. Not that she never smiles, but Peggy keeps herself immaculate. It's good to see her loosening up. ]

[enshields]

[He huffs. Doesn't deny it, just shoves Bucky back towards his chair.]

Food's gettin' cold.

[redactions]

​[ I don't care about the food, he nearly says. ]

All right. Eat up. I'll make somethin' better next time, and we can ask him if he wants to come.

[enshields]

You kidding? You have no idea how much I missed your Ma's meatloaf.

[He tucks in, elbows kept deftly off the table, dwelling only barely on brighter days.]

[redactions]

​[ He smiles widely, something boyish and shy. ]

I can do apple pie too, if ya want.

[enshields]

[Do you know who I am? he'd asked, and Steve thinks maybe he's not so far gone as the statement implied, not with Bucky Barnes shining through the cracks of him, just as honest and earnest as ever.]

How about we make some together, huh?

[redactions]

I'd like that.

​[ A pause. ]

You should move to our ship. Y'know. If it's not too cold in here. We have a blanket fort in the cargo bay or my office, usually.

[enshields]

[He exhales, sets his fork down and reaches for his glass to forestall an immediate answer.]

You don't think it'd... [he gestures with his Coke.] complicate things?

[redactions]

Honestly? I don't know. It could help, it might not. We won't know unless we try, right?

[enshields]

[Buck's never been an optimist, it's-- unsettling to see him don those dancing shoes for Steve's benefit.

Or is it for his own? That hollowed-out man that Hydra took and twisted. How easy is it for Bucky to see that as a dark mirror?]

Why don't we ask him?