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video ♪ well fuck this

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

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[That, sir, is some very impressive chest hair. As the low neckline on Axel's coat will show, he cannot compete. He just sort of blinks a moment, and then he really can't help himself--he has to know.]

Do all dwarves have chest hair like that, or is that what makes you the most desirable one?

[Varric takes a second to shift gears since apparently none of these people are his actual kidnappers.]

Just me. But now that we're talking about body hair-- do the carpets match the drapes?

[Axel looks remarkably unfazed by this question, reacting with only a lifted eyebrow and a sly grin.]

Now, now, usually I expect someone to buy me dinner before I start answering questions like that.

[He chuckles warmly, not offended at all. Been a while since he heard a line like that directed at him from a guy.]

I'd invite you for a round of drinks and put it on my tab, except I'm not sure there's taverns in hell or wherever this is. Oblivion? The Fade, Except Not? Shit, I don't know. It's big, black, full of stars, and I'm pretty sure I'll die if I stick my head out the window.

Edited 2014-12-30 11:43 (UTC)

We usually call it 'space'. I think 'oblivion' sounds a little too sinister--though you're probably right in that it'd kill ya if you stuck your head out the window. I don't recommend it.

As for taverns, there's a couple down here planetside, if you don't mind the cold.

Duly noted, on both counts. My world has boats that sail on water, you know, like boats should. So this thing is pretty new to me.

[He looks up at the ceiling.]

Maker's breath. I hate going outside, but... I'll figure it out.

Oh, I'm sure those exist in whatever universe this is, too, not to worry. If all the water on this crazy planet wasn't frozen, I'd say you might find some here, but I don't think a boat would do much good, really.

[He wags a finger.]

Just make sure you're planetside before you go outside. You'll have to wait 'til they put you on one of the other ships, though--you can't leave from the one you're on when you first get here. They should punt you over to one of the smaller ones in a few days. Who should I tell the nearest bartender to expect to pay the tab I'm gonna run up?

[He chuckles.] Probably not. Ice skates, though. I knew a guy who had to improvise once-- got stuck up in the Anderfels during a bad storm-- so he strapped a dagger to each foot. It worked, too. A bear found him on the ice though, and he didn't have any other weapons... so he roundhouse kicked the bear in the face.

He teaches out of Amaranthine now.

[Varric really hates to travel, but he'll do anything to get out of the fucking sky and be on a real planet for once. Even if it's not his own planet. He doesn't like any of this. There's nothing in the Chant of Light about being teleported off your fucking planet. Maybe even the Maker can't save him now.

He doesn't want to think about it.]

Tsk, tsk. I run a business, not a charity. If I give you my name now, you'll eat me out of hearth and home.

Then again, you look like you could use a sandwich or... fifty.

Roundhouse kicking bears in the face, now there's a signature move if I ever heard of one.

Oh, come on, do I look like that much of a villain? I'd only eat you out of half hearth and home, cross my heart. [With the gesture to boot.] Fifty sandwiches might be a little extreme. Gotta watch my girlish figure, after all.

You want my opinion? [He leans in.] The hair is a dead giveaway. It just screams 'look at me! I'm dangerous!'

[Still, he's smirking all the same. He's found a kindred soul in some ways. Or at least an audience with a good sense of humor.]

I'm Varric. Varric Tethras. Use my name wisely-- it can get you shot at in some places.

[He grins.] Little danger a day keeps the doctor away, says I. Or at least keeps the boring people away.

Varric, huh? I'll commit it to memory, along with any repercussions of its use. I'm Axel, nice to meetcha. Anything else I should keep in mind?

[Yeah, his life is exciting enough without borrowing trouble.]

Your name sounds rebellious too. [Varric chuckles.] The pleasure's mine.

Nah, I'm nothing terribly dangerous. Just a storyteller and a businessman.

There might be a little insurgent in me, on a good day.

Ah, but businessmen can be the most dangerous, in their own way. The powers of persuasion and negotiation are unsung; don't sell yourself short, my friend.

[He chuckles warmly. This Axel guy is brighter than most of the people Varric deals with on a regular basis.]

It's far too late for that, I'm afraid.

[There's a beat of silence, and then Axel just laughs. He didn't really mean that literally (and from the feed it's hard to tell just how short Varric might actually be), but a little self-deprecating humor is never a bad sign.]

I like your style, Varric; I would definitely let you buy me a drink. Or a sandwich. I promise I'd stop before fifty, though.

If you find yourself planetside, gimme a holler. Something tells me you're an interesting guy to chat with.

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