video ♪ well fuck this

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

Comments

video;

[parricida]

[HO SHIT IT'S A DRAGON

No, wait, just a lizard man. The ridges are rather the same, as is the grey skin, but the way he smiles pleasantly rather gives away the fact he's a bit more intelligent than your average dragon.]

Twice in a row. Have you been here before, then? Or are you simply unfortunate?

[merchantprince]

[Varric pauses, but not because he thinks there's a dragon staring into the camera. Garak is almost more reminiscent of a Qunari to him, which is still enough to give him pause. In his lifetime, he's had about 90 percent of the Qunari he's met try to kill him on sight.

But this lizard... or hornless ox man is smiling and having polite conversation, so Varric tries to shove past his own experiences for a sec. He smiles, suddenly charming.]

Nah, this is my first time here. I don't know what it is that draws the crazy kidnappers to me instead of a shrieking damsel. My natural charisma, maybe.

I like having actual ground beneath my feet, by the way. None of this... flying ship business.

[parricida]

Oh, don't be absurd. You can hardly feel the void of space and lack of gravity while on a ship.

[A smirk.]

Though if you're more warm-blooded than I, the planet is available.

[got_it_memorized]

[That, sir, is some very impressive chest hair. As the low neckline on Axel's coat will show, he cannot compete. He just sort of blinks a moment, and then he really can't help himself--he has to know.]

Do all dwarves have chest hair like that, or is that what makes you the most desirable one?

[merchantprince]

[Varric takes a second to shift gears since apparently none of these people are his actual kidnappers.]

Just me. But now that we're talking about body hair-- do the carpets match the drapes?

[got_it_memorized]

[Axel looks remarkably unfazed by this question, reacting with only a lifted eyebrow and a sly grin.]

Now, now, usually I expect someone to buy me dinner before I start answering questions like that.

video;

[ino]

[ she's watching curiously -- something about those terms sound familiar to her, but she can't quite think of why. but dwarf was one she'd heard many times but had never actually met one ... ]

Ohhhh -- so you're a dwarf.

[merchantprince]

[That's... an interesting way to say hello. He could say something kind of rude, but she's cute and her tone isn't necessarily patronizing. He gives her a little bow.]

Among other things. Varric Tethras: rogue, storyteller, and ex-adventurer. Until today.

[ino]

Hmm ... you know, that name does sound kinda familiar ...

[ But anyways, she'll give him a friendly smile ]

Nice to meet you, Varric. I'm Ino.

[ she rests her cheek in her palm ]

Unfortunately, you're kinda stuck here for the time being, if you hadn't guessed already.

video, sorta;

[catamite]

--Whoa!

[at first it's just audio--the startled voice and then some shuffling sounds. and when the video fumbles on a few seconds later, this feed is also upside-down. and once it's dizzingly handed around until it's properly right-side-up, there's a big-eyed elven face staring from the screen, all piercings and a big, awed smile.]

...Did you say dwarf??

[merchantprince]

[Ah, it's an elf. An elf with piercings. Not terribly unusual, but due to where he's from, he just kind of assumes this is a city elf who has magically never seen a dwarf before. .... Or it could be someone from a whole different world, like that nagging implanted info is telling him.

He smirks back. Varric also has a lot of earrings. He likes gold, too.]

Of course! Only a dwarf could be this manly and survive.

[catamite]

Wow!

[he looks totally and utterly charmed. forget aliens--this has him fascinated.]

A real one? Like... full-blooded??

video;

[clownshoes]

That's...a lot of chest hair.

[ more than sora can ever hope for, cursed as the squeenix pretty boy he is. ]

I LAUGHED SO LOUD I THINK I WOKE UP MY ROOMMATE

[merchantprince]

I hate to break it to you, kid, but all the hair you should've gotten on your chest grew on your head instead.

[He has a bad feeling he's gonna end up babysitting.]

WHOOPSIE

[clownshoes]

It did not! I-it's just taking a bit, that's all!

[ HIS MANLINESS...

sora you lost all manliness when half the players thought you were a chick ]

Video

[wilder]

[Oh hey it's a...beardless dwarf? That's kinda weird. Then again, he's only seen like two dwarves his entire life. So he can roll with it. It wasn't like Dirk had that epic a beard anyway]

I dunno, I think I'm gonna put my money on them not returning your crossbow even with that appealing offer.

[merchantprince]

[Damn, that is some seriously red hair. He sighs dramatically.]

Oh, Bianca. You deserve so much better than whatever these nug-wranglers promised you.

I take it there's no beer, either.

video

[birdsbirdsbirds]

[meanwhile, Robin's like, "what's a dwarf...?"]

I think you should shoot someone in the face anyway.

[merchantprince]

Pity I don't have any volunteers. Or anything to shoot with.

[He rolls his shoulders in a shrug.]

Unless you have any better ideas? I'm always open to suggestions.

Video

[alwayscomeback]

Yeah, the stuff you've never seen before weirdness never stops being weird, trust me. You give yourself way less headaches if you just roll with it.

So. You're short.

omfg SOKKA

[merchantprince]

I'm a fast learner. Taking Bianca, though? That's a low blow. These cowards really have no sense of honor. Or what a lady truly wants.

[He inspects his gloves.]

Yes, and? Any other world-shattering observations you can share with me today, serah?

video;

[idealistic]

[ he's not really paying all that much attention to the feed in the beginning (though he had to admit: that was a lot of chest hair), but the moment the word "dwarf" is mentioned? oh, does it have Lloyd's attention. the accent threw him off, but Lloyd definitely knows a dwarf when he sees one, and this is definitely a dwarf! although...

...wow. this dwarf is pretty vulgar, huh? it's like what would have happened if someone made Zelos into a dwarf. more importantly: ]

What happened to your beard?

[merchantprince]

[dryly] It was in the way of my chest hair, so I shaved it off and donated it to charity.

Next question?

video

[faithfulwisdom]

Alas, Master Dwarf, I fear your gentle persuasion will likely fall on deaf ears. [Because sass is clearly the best way to respond to this situation.]

[merchantprince]

[... is this guy for real? Varric just blinks for a moment or two because this person is like, right out of a novel.]

You speak so pretty, but you're definitely making fun of me. That's impressive! Usually when elves talk to me, they're like, 'Go get drunk off your ass you damn dwarf.'

I'm Varric, by the way.