video ♪ well fuck this

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

Comments

[alwayscomeback]

You got it wrong, man. The only thing better than girls is food. Food will never murder you.

...Unless you eat something poisonous. Or questionable desert catcti but I digress.

[merchantprince]

I've seen food kill a man more than once. Definitely sticking with money here. Then again, the last couple times I remember death-by-food were over girls or money, so...

[alwayscomeback]

...What, did someone bludgeon someone else with a fish for making eyes at his girlfriend or something?

[merchantprince]

It was a thirty pound trout and it was still kicking.

[alwayscomeback]

As someone who has been smacked in the head with fish more than once, I'm gonna give that a resounding 'ouch'.

[merchantprince]

And that, my friend, is why you should never anger a fisherman. Or his wife.

[alwayscomeback]

...

Thank you for this important life lesson, Tiny Life Lesson Man.

[merchantprince]

That's what I'm here for, Hormonal Human Boy.

[alwayscomeback]

Is it? Is that your place in this wacky space comedy?

[merchantprince]

I'm charming, talented, and ridiculously handsome. I'm a perfect fit.

[alwayscomeback]

[Sarcasm ahoy!] I bet you'll pull in all the ratings.

[merchantprince]

With that attitude, you'll be lucky to get any ratings at all.

[alwayscomeback]

I don't want ratings. I want to go home.

[merchantprince]

If you can't get out of a game, then play it anyway. You play long enough? You learn the rules and how to cheat.

If nothing else, at least you'll be rich and comfortable.

[alwayscomeback]

I don't know, that sounds like shifty Earth Kingdom tactics. We don't do it that way in the Water Tribe.

[Unless you're posing as a guard to break people out of prison, but that's different. He wasn't comfortable. Or rich.]

[merchantprince]

Oh, well, be my guest. Continue beating yourself up over events out of your control. Still, it might be nice to do something for the people you're stuck with... liven things up a bit. Just a thought.

[alwayscomeback]

I don't think they need their days livened up. Anyway, I need more information before I can do anything about it. Maps. Tactical info. Stuff like that.