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video ♪ well fuck this

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

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[HO SHIT IT'S A DRAGON

No, wait, just a lizard man. The ridges are rather the same, as is the grey skin, but the way he smiles pleasantly rather gives away the fact he's a bit more intelligent than your average dragon.]

Twice in a row. Have you been here before, then? Or are you simply unfortunate?

[Varric pauses, but not because he thinks there's a dragon staring into the camera. Garak is almost more reminiscent of a Qunari to him, which is still enough to give him pause. In his lifetime, he's had about 90 percent of the Qunari he's met try to kill him on sight.

But this lizard... or hornless ox man is smiling and having polite conversation, so Varric tries to shove past his own experiences for a sec. He smiles, suddenly charming.]

Nah, this is my first time here. I don't know what it is that draws the crazy kidnappers to me instead of a shrieking damsel. My natural charisma, maybe.

I like having actual ground beneath my feet, by the way. None of this... flying ship business.

Edited 2014-12-30 04:36 (UTC)

[That, sir, is some very impressive chest hair. As the low neckline on Axel's coat will show, he cannot compete. He just sort of blinks a moment, and then he really can't help himself--he has to know.]

Do all dwarves have chest hair like that, or is that what makes you the most desirable one?

[Varric takes a second to shift gears since apparently none of these people are his actual kidnappers.]

Just me. But now that we're talking about body hair-- do the carpets match the drapes?

[Axel looks remarkably unfazed by this question, reacting with only a lifted eyebrow and a sly grin.]

Now, now, usually I expect someone to buy me dinner before I start answering questions like that.

[ she's watching curiously -- something about those terms sound familiar to her, but she can't quite think of why. but dwarf was one she'd heard many times but had never actually met one ... ]

Ohhhh -- so you're a dwarf.

--Whoa!

[at first it's just audio--the startled voice and then some shuffling sounds. and when the video fumbles on a few seconds later, this feed is also upside-down. and once it's dizzingly handed around until it's properly right-side-up, there's a big-eyed elven face staring from the screen, all piercings and a big, awed smile.]

...Did you say dwarf??

[He chuckles warmly, not offended at all. Been a while since he heard a line like that directed at him from a guy.]

I'd invite you for a round of drinks and put it on my tab, except I'm not sure there's taverns in hell or wherever this is. Oblivion? The Fade, Except Not? Shit, I don't know. It's big, black, full of stars, and I'm pretty sure I'll die if I stick my head out the window.

Edited 2014-12-30 11:43 (UTC)

[That's... an interesting way to say hello. He could say something kind of rude, but she's cute and her tone isn't necessarily patronizing. He gives her a little bow.]

Among other things. Varric Tethras: rogue, storyteller, and ex-adventurer. Until today.

[Ah, it's an elf. An elf with piercings. Not terribly unusual, but due to where he's from, he just kind of assumes this is a city elf who has magically never seen a dwarf before. .... Or it could be someone from a whole different world, like that nagging implanted info is telling him.

He smirks back. Varric also has a lot of earrings. He likes gold, too.]

Of course! Only a dwarf could be this manly and survive.

Hmm ... you know, that name does sound kinda familiar ...

[ But anyways, she'll give him a friendly smile ]

Nice to meet you, Varric. I'm Ino.

[ she rests her cheek in her palm ]

Unfortunately, you're kinda stuck here for the time being, if you hadn't guessed already.

[He looks a tad surprised.]

Wow, you've heard of me all the way out... [He makes a huge flaily arm gesture. Perhaps not as huge as it should be, since he's short, but you get the idea. Space. Thedas does not have space. They can't handle demons coming out of fucking space in addition to EVERYTHING ELSE.] ... here? I'm touched.

[He knows he's pretty infamous, but he's not like. The Champion of Kirkwall. Or the Hero of Ferelden. He's made sure of that.]

I was kind of hoping I guessed wrong. Something about being popular enough to go back home?

Let's just say I've been a lot of places, and I'm definitely not from ... [ she imitates his gesture ] Here.

[ she pauses, because now this is bothering her. Stupid castle memories, stupid implants, making everything difficult ] Something about an elf, and a pirate. And friend fiction?

Well ...

The gist of it seems to be, we've been brought here for the entertainment of the masses, yeah. I don't know if you know anything about reality TV, but basically, a bunch of people are watching us interact from afar, and the more entertaining we are, the more we get paid.

[Wow, he's never heard of Ino or seen her in Kirkwall, and he knows pretty much everything that goes on in Kirkwall. But it is what it is-- she apparently knows Isabela, and possibly one of the other elves, and he was just kidnapped from Thedas to space with a bunch of other people who are from their own different worlds.

... He needs a drink.]

Ah, so you've met the Rivaini. Was the elf broody and spiteful, or so ridiculously cheerful that your teeth hurt?

[He tries to wrap his head around that part about reality TV.]

Maker's bursting blackheads! They watch us all the time?!

... Can they see through walls? Clothes? I need to know the boundaries here.

[ Poor Varric. He'll get used to the insanity sooner or later. ]

No, no, he was definitely broody. And complain-y.

[ That exclamation. Ew. But, she can understand the sentiments behind it ... it is super creepy ]

Uhm, I don't think they can see through clothes, no. Probably not through walls, either.

Wow!

[he looks totally and utterly charmed. forget aliens--this has him fascinated.]

A real one? Like... full-blooded??

That's...a lot of chest hair.

[ more than sora can ever hope for, cursed as the squeenix pretty boy he is. ]

Well, that's a relief. I don't want to start stripping unless I'm getting paid for it. A substantial amount, is what I'm saying. [He adjusts his leather duster.] They can probably see this whole conversation, though. The first things to get compromised are usually channels of communication, and hell if I know how this thing works...

[But-- having someone else who's met his friends makes him smile, even if Fenris isn't exactly the cheeriest of company.]

That's the elf for you. I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but he has his reasons. And half of the reasons involve being really, really socially inept.

I hate to break it to you, kid, but all the hair you should've gotten on your chest grew on your head instead.

[He has a bad feeling he's gonna end up babysitting.]

[ that gets an amused sound ]

Well, yeah. But just 'cause they can see it doesn't mean you don't deserve a fair warning.

[ And as for that last part, she waves a hand ]

Oh, believe me, we've got plenty of that type where I come from too. Tragic past, no friends, definitely doesn't wanna talk about it.

It did not! I-it's just taking a bit, that's all!

[ HIS MANLINESS...

~~sora you lost all manliness when half the players thought you were a chick~~ ]

[Oh hey it's a...beardless dwarf? That's kinda weird. Then again, he's only seen like two dwarves his entire life. So he can roll with it. It wasn't like Dirk had that epic a beard anyway]

I dunno, I think I'm gonna put my money on them not returning your crossbow even with that appealing offer.

[He glances down at himself. Pokes his chest, for effect.]

Uh... should I be worried about fake dwarves? Do they go around shaving beards and tipping over merchant carts?

[Seriously, he's never had an elf freak out this much about meeting him. Usually they're like, serah, here's a message from the Merchant's Guild for Varric Tethras, and he has to pretend he has no idea who that is, and that's it. That's their conversation.]

I'd be pretty excited to meet me, too, but I think I'm missing some context here.

[the kid seems to have heard about ten percent of that before his own sudden thought crowds everything else out.]

--Oh! Yeah... Aren't dwarves supposed to have big ol' beards? Where's yours?

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