video ♪ well fuck this

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

Comments

video

[birdsbirdsbirds]

[meanwhile, Robin's like, "what's a dwarf...?"]

I think you should shoot someone in the face anyway.

[merchantprince]

Pity I don't have any volunteers. Or anything to shoot with.

[He rolls his shoulders in a shrug.]

Unless you have any better ideas? I'm always open to suggestions.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Aaah, unless you can break into the walls with your raw, unbridled strength, dismantle the core processing network that the ship may or may not have, and steer it into the ice planet below you? [...] Probably nothing helpful, sorry.

[merchantprince]

My raw unbridled strength, Paragon of manliness I am, is probably not even enough to dent the door. Seriously, what do they make these things out of?

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Space metal. Probably. I'm sure that's the technical term.

If it makes you feel any better, you'll likely be transferred to somewhere a little more homey in a few days.

[merchantprince]

Space metal. The technical term is probably 'shittanium'. [A sigh.]

I'm getting too old for this.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

[despite Varric's obviously-bad mood... Robin laughs. it's funny! this guy is funny.]

Aren't we all, friend. Welcome to the Drift Fleet, where people are apparently fucking around with us for fun and profit.

[merchantprince]

[Being funny helps him deal. After a certain point he's just grumpy to be grumpy, not because he's actually seriously pissed at things. Though he is seriously pissed at certain things right NOW, it's wearing off.]

You lost me at 'fucking around with us' but brought me back with 'profit'. I don't know how to feel. On one hand, glorious untapped business ventures and great novel material. On the other, the risk of horrible screaming death in the abyss, and no guarantee of ever returning home.

Oh, well. It is what it is.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

To be fair, I don't think there's a lot of screaming.

So, a businessman and a novelist?

[merchantprince]

So there's still horrible death? Good to know.

[He adjusts his coat.]

I am a man of many talents. I can also disarm a man from fifty yards away, and testimonials say that I'm travel-sized for your convenience.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Tega, bless your heart. [clearly very amused by this...] Is there anything you can't do?

[merchantprince]

Swimming. Spelunking. Human women. That's about it.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

[props, man.]

Well, it sounds like any ship would be lucky to have you. I'd make some vague projection about ratings but, hah, no one actually knows how they work.

[merchantprince]

If they're like contest scores, they're two parts subjective and one part made up on the spot.

I'm Varric, by the way. Varric Tethras.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

That sounds about right...

I'm Robin. Like the bird. It's a pleasure.

[merchantprince]

Really? I thought you were going to say, 'like the verb'. That would have been a slightly different conversation.

I might have even asked you what you were, in fact, robbin'.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

[PFFT--okay he laughs a lot at that one.]

Hah, I would have had a clever answer for you! The hearts of beautiful women, perhaps...

[merchantprince]

[LAUGHTER ACHIEVED.]

Hah. And what do you do with all those hearts? Sooner or later, you're going to drop one.

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Yeah, they do get kind of slippery... [with what is now a very straight face, he holds his hands up... wiggles his fingers, you know, like they're covered in something gross.] But you perhaps underestimate my juggling prowess.

[merchantprince]

[Varric tries to keep a straight face but his lip keeps twitching.]

Does your tragic backstory involve joining a traveling group of entertainers?

[IDK IF THEY HAVE THE CIRCUS IN THEDAS IM SORRY I HAD TO EDIT THIS.]

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Actually it was stationary. Played at the Stray Dog, three days a week.

[lord he can't help the large grin from spreading across his face.]

My time as a medical professional, though, that was a mobile operation. Much less interesting. A lot more blood, though. More of those hearts I was talking about.

[merchantprince]

[Varric looks mildly impressed.] Nice. So you're a jack of all trades, huh?

[birdsbirdsbirds]

Something like that, yes. I like to keep busy.