video ♪ well fuck this

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric
Broadcast: Open a/v on the network.
Action: Anyone on the Marsiva, since he hasn't been shuffled yet.
When: Dec 29th, or so.

[video;]

[The feed, quite frankly, is crap. The communicator's been bumped on midsentence and appears to be capturing video of an empty bunk.]

—e's ass! Where is Bianca?

[There is some mad shuffling offscreen. A door opens, then closes. The shuffling returns, and this time, there is... chest hair? Chest hair. Sorry. He picks up the communicator, examing it and turning it in his hands, and then finally looking straight into the camera.]

I may be the most desirable dwarf in all of Kirkwall, but that doesn't give anyone free pass to kidnap me twice in a row. Come out of hiding, hand over the crossbow, and maybe I'll feel generous enough not to shoot someone in the face on the way out. Maybe.

[His brows knit together. He leans back and rubs at his temple.]

Maker's breath... my head feels like it's full of cotton. Cotton and shit I've never seen before.

Comments

[merchantprince]

So have I, but that's a new one. [An affirmative noise.] Yep, I've got a couple serials going. Hard in Hightown, Swords and Shields... Tale of the Champion got me in trouble. Worth it, though.

If you're hurting that bad for tailors, remind me to stay in the back row. I really can't afford to lose my coat.

[wilder]

Oh? Why'd it get in you in trouble?

Do all you can to save your coat then. Unless we hit the jackpot with the next planet, that thing's a one of a kind out here.

[merchantprince]

Got the attention of some... interesting people looking for the Champion herself. That was kidnapping number one. And after that whole ordeal was over, I woke up here. At least these clowns didn't drag me through space in a burlap sack, but... shit.

[He rubs his temple, remembering.]

This place just gets better and better.

[wilder]

[He was going to ask who this Champion was and why that'd require a kidnapping but, then Varric's latter statement confuses him]

Uh...shit what? Something up?

I mean, besides your penchant to be kidnapped as often as a princess in a fairy tale.

[merchantprince]

Huh? Oh, it's nothing. Shit just-- 'shit, my luck is terrible'. It's like the Maker pointed at Kirkwall and said, 'screw these several people in particular'.

[He shrugs.]

As for the kidnapping, I can't help being this irresistible. Looking good is a full time job that some people just can't appreciate.

[wilder]

[Oh okay cool then.] Deities do have a funny way of screwing people over like that.

[If he believed in them anyway]

Hear hear. Least they could do is shove you in a sack made out of nicer material than burlap. Jeez.

[merchantprince]

[Varric affects a highborn lady's complaining tone.]

'I simply must have a silk bag if I am to be kidnapped!'

[wilder]

[GODDESS. While Kaneis has grown to expect many things in his life- a gruff dwarf impersonating a noble lady isn't one of them. So yeah, that surprises him enough to actually gets him laughing]

Terrible.

[merchantprince]

[That's pretty cute. He's always happy to make someone laugh, though-- it's in his nature. He smirks.]

I've seen it.

[wilder]

[This guy could use a laugh anyhow. The laugh ends with a cough and a throat clearing since wow, he's so fallen out of practice with that sensation. But he still sounds amused.]

Have you now?

[merchantprince]

I have!

So, the Champion... Hawke. She did a lot of things for money, boredom, because people asked nicely. Sometimes that meant running errands when the city guard couldn't handle it. We were looking for a noble's wife who got kidnapped in Hightown during broad daylight. Really suspicious, right?

Anyway, we tracked the lady to the docks. It's nighttime. We're all a little on edge after the last string of kidnappings ended... poorly. Hawke kicks down the door, fingers on fire-- literally-- and she's about to light this place up.

She takes two steps in and stops dead.

[wilder]

[Oh, Kaneis always loved hearing a good story and this sounds exactly like one. He listens, clearly engaged by it as he makes himself comfortable in his chair.]

What'd she see?

[merchantprince]

[He goes on.]

A bad game of Diamondback, that's what. Six men around a table, cards scattered everywhere, everyone passed out or dead. One guy had a dagger sticking out of his throat; he died reaching for another man's bet. The other dead guy was missing an arm. The best part? He had the winning hand.

Not anymore, I guess.

So, Hawke finds the noblewoman in the back room. She's got a sack over her head, and her hands are tied, but otherwise she's fine... at least until we untie her.

She looks at the Champion and says, [affected Antivan accent] 'I was expecting at least cotton! I'm going to be itching for days-- how rude!'

[He shrugs.]

Nobility.

[wilder]

[He snorts some at the tale, shaking his head but grinning some at the tale.]

Geez! That sounds about right.

[merchantprince]

I take it stuck up nobles are universal.

[He feels sorry for you, Kaneis.]

[wilder]

Oh of course! Everywhere I've been anyway.

But it's no matter. I don't suppose you have any your books with you.

[merchantprince]

Of all the things to have in common.

[He grins.]

Actually, I make it a point to keep them on me. I've got one of each. Advertising, you know.

[wilder]

Oh really?

[BOOKS. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN....DWARF...WHATEVER]

I don't suppose you'd be against making a trade to loan them, would you?

[merchantprince]

Not at all! Just return them without anything questionable on the pages, and I'll be pleased as punch.

[wilder]

Great! [So pleased man. Because seriously, the last two planets sucked for reading material] You got yourself a deal!

I'll start with whichever one you think is your crappiest.

[merchantprince]

Well, my crappiest is still leagues better than half the junk I've read... but Swords and Shields it is! My first romance serial. I have mixed feelings about it.

[So does Aveline.]

[wilder]

Yeah? Mixed feelings how?

[merchantprince]

I don't usually write romance. My characters have flings every so often, but nothing serious. Everyone loves a torrid love affair though.

[wilder]

It's true. And it's always better if it's someone else's torrid love affair!

But I can get it. I'll give it a shot anyway. Sure it can't be worse than some crap I've read.

[merchantprince]

Believe me, it's better.

[He chuckles warmly.]

I have no idea how to deliver this, so it'll have to wait until I get kicked onto one of the other ships.