driftfleet | mingle part deux

She thinks that's necessary. She thinks we should be the ones involved. She volunteered me without speaking to me about it. She thinks I'm incapable of offering aid without some kind of ulterior motive. [ Because that's what friendship is now, an ulterior motive. ]

Fine, I see why you didn't tell me. And neither did she, so it's unrelated to my training.

[ zuko listens to the first three statements, quiet (because they're all true), but when sasuke gets to the fourth, his brow furrows, because that's the absolute opposite of truth. from his perspective, anyway. ]

You've already offered me help and support without an ulterior motive, that has nothing to do with it. I didn't tell you because I don't want anyone to be involved with my sister except me.

[ it's said flatly. ]

Would you ask me to follow Itachi around, if I had the ability to? Or would you want to deal with it yourself?

[ the situation with azula has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not sasuke is trustworthy or capable. it's just family. ]

[ Just hearing Itachi's name causes him to look back down at the table, certainly not needing to search for the answer.

But Azula and Itachi are very different people. Itachi's trustworthy, not someone who would network with people through deception just to try to potentially wreak havoc on the fleet. He'd carry out what he perceived his task to be, and then he would leave. ]

... I said what I said because I agree with you. She shouldn't have intruded in the issue but she was making you aware of your resources. [ Sasuke rubs his right temple, working to dispel a mild headache. ]

She was likely still angry with me when she spoke to you anyway. [ Or at the very least perturbed. ]

That's not my point.

[ jeez sasuke ]

It's not fair of me to hold you up to a standard of someone that isn't here anymore. And I can accept that.

[ kind of. he's working on it. but he and allen had a productive feelings jam over this and he's trying to put it into practice. ]

But that doesn't change the fact that I have the advantage of knowing that you can be a trustworthy person, if you set your mind to it. I have three years of advantage, of knowing you can and will be there when I need you to be. I don't need someone to tell me what my resources are. Neither does Ino.

[ his ribs hurt, ugh. ]

You wouldn't bother volunteering to help with Azula if you didn't want to do it just for the sake of helping. And Ino wouldn't have bothered offering you up for help if she didn't know that, too.

[ Every single word just makes him feel more conflicted, hearing absolutely everything he needs to hear but still there's a voice in the back of his head reminding him how heavy these expectations are, that he can now add a past version of himself and an ideal future version of himself to the long list of what he's had to live up to.

It's cowardly to think that, though, and there's another internal reprimand ready as a reminder to himself that he said he expected to be judged and held to the high standard Zuko says he's not actually trying to make him feel he has to measure up to.

No wonder he's a fucking mess, still not looking up as his thoughts and emotions go haywire behind that calm exterior. ]

Aa. [ finally ]

She's the same as you, trusting because of past experiences despite not having fully lived through everything I did in our world. I don't know if I can be satisfied with that or take it seriously, but regaling her with every detail and then asking her to try to forgive me again just feels...

self-indulgent. [ Or doing the same thing to Zuko, which remains unsaid. How masochistic; let's talk about enucleation again. ]

[ zuko is really bad at this. but he supposes the only reason why he hasn't told sasuke "you should really talk to someone else" is because he understands. it's hard to obtain penance for things you've done wrong, and it's a painful process. zuko is still going through it, and it's really only through the support of his friends and what family he has left that he's managed to get as far as he has. they have much more faith in zuko than he does himself.

so he's quiet for a moment, considering that. ]

... maybe you should work on forgiving yourself instead of working up to some imaginary expectation.

[ Sasuke has Naruto, and in some cases Sakura, and that's it. Except for right now he actually has neither of them, used to being alone but it's harder without substantial distractions.

So he's a little awkward in his honesty, clearly hesitant but seeming more frustrated with himself than anything else. ]

I couldn't begin to know how to do that.

I don't think you ever really do.

[ zuko isn't entirely sure he's forgiven himself. he's forgiven himself for some things -- but not all things. and it's really through aang's encouragement and guidance that zuko has even gotten that far. if the avatar can forgive him, anyone can. zuko just has to work for it. ]

But ... a large part of my history, and my ability, is through finding your inner peace. Which isn't... my speciality.

[ and zuko hesitates before moving his hands, conjuring a ball of flames between his hands -- but it's dim, flickering, almost like it's about to go out. hardly the bright solid strength it was before. he needs to meditate, and sleep, and eat, and sort through how he feels. and then he'll be fine. ]

It's hard to give light to something if you can't find it in yourself.

[ or that's what iroh always tells him, anyway. ]

[ Inner peace? He wants to listen but years of isolation and reliance on anything but has jaded cynicism creeping in, quietly watching that weak flame. Well, he'll at least definitely remember that for later.

He gestures to his own eyes, reddened for emphasis as he looks at him. ]

I gained my power through loss. The sharingan on the night my family members were killed, and its higher form on the day I watched my brother die. That's my history, and that's the largest part of my ability.

So what the hell is that supposed to mean for me?

That you need to find something else to root your motivation in, besides power, and besides what your family gave you.

[ it isn't meant to be so blunt, but it's true. the fire nation -- zuko's family -- has nearly destroyed their world. it only takes one link in the chain to break for it to create a new path. that link just happened to be zuko.

the thought is terrifying, and the prospects daunting, but zuko has to do it. because he has no other choice. ]

You have a path to walk, but there's always going to be something behind you. You can either look back at it and learn from it, or you can look back and focus on it, and stop moving forward. It's up to you.

Edited 2016-01-24 21:10 (UTC)

Tch...

[ He knows that, logically, and it's a path he's already started down but there are so many bumps in the road that he's already feeling the frustrations of them. His resolve is strong, strong enough to withstand anything life's ever thrown at him, but he has had a long. fucking. year. ]

This power is all I have. It's what I gave up everything else for, and it's the best way I can protect my village. I'm no longer focused on the past, but it doesn't mean I can just let go of everything that's happened. Life isn't that convenient. [ And it would be wrong for him to, in his mind. His guilt is his real security blanket and he wouldn't know how to function without it. ]

There's a difference between ignoring what happened and letting it go, and not letting it poison you.

[ zuko dissipates the fire neatly before sitting back down at the table, slowly wrapping his arms around his middle again. ]

I'm never going to forget what my father did to me, and my country. And my sister. [ because, truly, azula is ozai's creation just as much as azula is responsible for her own actions. ] But I can't let it consume me. I won't get better that way, and I won't be able to help the Fire Nation, or my family.

[ what's left of it ]

... I think rooting your determination in protecting the people you care about is the best thing someone can do. But it's not an overnight process, and it takes time. You're just going to have to be patient with yourself.

[ Obi-Wan had said something similar, that holding onto guilt in particular was unproductive and a self-centered action, and it'd been just as hard to swallow then. ]

... I know.

I learned the truth of my family and my village, and I know I want the latter to survive. [ Which is as close to forgiving Konoha as he'll likely ever get, not really wanting to devote more time to processing his anger at them right now. ]

That doesn't 'consume' me anymore, but it doesn't mean I have the answers in exactly where to go from here or how to channel the anger I still have. All I can do here is learn. [ ... and he is not a patient or joyous learner. ]

I don't think the anger ever really goes away.

[ zuko has learned to slowly let it go, but he's far from well-adjusted. ]

But if learning is all you can do, then maybe that's where you should start. You have a goal, so work to achieve it. Other people will forgive you, or they won't. Either way, that's not in your control.

[ he learned the hard way, with katara, what demanding forgiveness when someone simply isn't ready does. ]

Aa. I wasn't actively pursuing forgiveness.

[ The conversation just steered itself neatly in that direction and he already feels like he's said far more than he's ever wanted to, drained but not willing to show it. This is not why he came over here; now he's the one that's been emotionally ambushed. ]

It's proving more difficult to learn when my world seems so different from those of the others here. [ In short, it's hard to ask for advice when a) you don't trust anyone enough to give them details and b) you're nearly sure to not be understood. ]

[ sasuke can say he doesn't pursue forgiveness all he likes, but zuko doesn't necessarily believe him. who wants to go through the effort of penance and not naturally want to be forgiven at the end of it?

but he'll let it go, instead focusing on what else sasuke is saying. ]

Then you'll have to figure out your own way to learn, until you find people that you trust, or something you understand.

[ zuko shrugs a little. ]

Most things transcend across universes, and worlds. It's easier to be understood than you think.

[ That quiets him again, a simple statement but still with a decent amount of weight. People's motivations don't vary much, it's just their reactions. His own have been particularly extreme even for his own world, but if there are similar threads amongst people or nations that have gone through similar things, he wants to find them.

It just... involves quelling his temper and myriad issues long enough to have a conversation with someone. ]

Do you feel understood by many people?

Not many, but a few.

[ every member of team avatar has suffered amazing loss. aang has lost his entire people. katara and sokka lost their mother. toph was isolated from the outside world. all of them suffered some tragedy in some way, that shaped their future and destiny. none of them understand exactly what zuko goes through, but all of them understand loss. that was enough. ]

That's all I need.

... I'd think just one would be enough.

[ Naruto, really. Naruto's been the one steady constant throughout his entire life, needing him more than he ever realized he needed anyone. His best friend, his actual soulmate, and oh he would just feel so much better right now if he could punch him in his stupid fucking face-- ]

Just one is enough; I got lucky.

[ team avatar is a package deal. apparently. once aang decides you are worth saving, the others tend to decide that too. zuko went from no one in the world to a sudden group of people overnight, it seems.

zuko can guess, though, who that one person is that sasuke wants. and while sasuke finds naruto incredibly aggravating and he kind of wants to remove his tongue a lot, he can respect that he means a lot to sasuke. and, distantly, zuko realizes that he, personally, has been missing aang for the past two weeks.

aang makes everything make sense. aang would know what to do about all of this, and fix it, simply and soundly.

but. aang is not here. neither is naruto. so. ]

I'm not going to pretend that I understand everything you went through. [ even if zuko feels that he kind of does, saying it won't help any. ] But you're welcome here whenever you want to be here.

[ Honestly... just the fact that Zuko doesn't immediately claim that he irrefutably does understand everything is a blessing, because whether he does or doesn't, people making the assumption has always been a trigger for his anger. Naruto had tried it for a while and met with horrible results before finally telling Sasuke that he thought what he was doing was instead understandable, a subtle shift in wording that hadn't carried the same implication.

Maybe being so possessive over his own pain is something he should work on... first...

Also can Aang and Naruto just not show up at the same time, thank you. ]

...

Do I really have to deal with asking someone to open the door for me every time?

No exceptions.

{ sorry, bro. ]

It's Sokka's ship, and I've caused him enough trouble.

[ plus zuko needs to talk to him about whatever the hell happens in his future, and he doesn't want to cause another fight ]

[ Sasuke glances towards the hallway then, out where he knows Ino and Allen had been earlier. ]

... I don't like it. [ It feels like an invasion of his privacy to have to potentially share with more than one person when he's planning to visit.

It's an invasion of his privacy to not be able to freely invade people's privacy. Yeah. ]

But I won't ask for the code.

Well, when my sister leaves, we can remove it.

[ guess who has zero sympathy for your locked door phobia you piece of shit

still, it's good that he won't ask for the code, because zuko doesn't have the energy to fight with sasuke over the stupid thing. ]

You can just text me. I don't care.

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