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(no subject)

Who: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Broadcast: Text
Action: Iskaulit
When: Jan 30th

A: TEXT

I think it's time I retire from teaching for a while.

I don't suppose anyone knows a decent way to pass the time?

B: ACTION

[ When Stefan announced the prayer room, a quiet place for meditation, Obi-Wan had been thrilled. While he enjoyed and cared for the Huntress, quiet is not something they are known for. After talking to Anakin, he knew he was in dire need of quiet and inner peace

He does not regret ( he can not regret )

And yet.

In a way he had envisioned as a child, it had always been Master and Padawan, together. Even when separate, they fought together, learned together, believed in each other. But Qui-Gon died all too soon, and for so long, Obi-Wan threw his hands up against tradition. When Yoda told him to be Anakin's master, he chose to be Anakin's friend. He did not caution against attachment, only warned where it might lead.

He breathes heavily, his legs folded on the mat. It's not working. The Force is still too quiet, too alien at this moment. It doesn't understand his sorrow.

Obi-Wan chuckles, opening his eyes and pushing his hair back. It should be used to that by now.

Looking down at his hands, he's quiet when he speaks. ]

Please help me.

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When I first came to this world, the physical world, no one could see me. I was so alone it hurt and then Rhys could see me. He could talk to me and hear me and hold me when I was scared of myself.

He's gone now. I thought I couldn't live with him gone, but I did. I lived and I grew.

Their love? It gives you the strength you have. Having no attachments leaves you cold, numb. Detached from what matters.

Perhaps I prefer it.

[ He abruptly stands up. Pacing has never been one of his habits. Anakin was one with nervous energy to burn, but he felt he had to move and keep moving if he is to outpace his own thoughts.

Love. Obi-Wan can't think about love. Love was tearing Anakin apart and he had to deepen the wound.

Remember, my dear Obi-Wan . . .

He stops abruptly. What was he doing? Trying to run into walls he already knew of? ]

I have been too dearly loved. Too many have paid for it.

Edited 2016-02-01 09:39 (UTC)

[Cole stays where he is, sitting on the ground and tilting his head up to watch Obi-Wan.]

You can't make good decisions without love. Because their happiness and safety wouldn't matter much if you didn't love.

You can't say anyone loved you too much. They loved you as much as they wanted to and you can't decide for them if that's too much or not enough. All you can do it accept that they think you're worth that love.

Like you think they're worth yours.

[ No, he could not. And wasn't that the crux of his discussion with Sasuke? That they're more than parts of him. They're stronger people who he had been lucky to know.

They were not the sum of Obi-Wan Kenobi, to be relegated as doubts and regrets. ]

I am a Jedi. I come to serve.

[ He sighs, sitting down once again, leaning his head against the wall. ]

I chose the life of my padawan over the Order. To say I have no attachments is a lie. To say I do not love is a lie. I follow the Code. I am not ruled by it or love. I chose to be obedient.

But I've been restricting their choices out of fear.

[ Fear leads to doubt and suffering. It's a miracle he hasn't made a magical jump to the Dark Side with all this stewing and brewing. ]

But I want this.

[ He just wants Anakin to live. ]

[Cole shuffles around to face Obi-Wan, but doesn't come close to him again. Obi-Wan will come closer he wants to.]

The order isn't a thing, not like a person. Like the Inquisition. "The Inquisition needs more lyrium."

[The voice is someone else's accent and inflections, mimicked very closely.]

But it doesn't. It isn't a thing. It doesn't need anything. It's not real, not like people, like animals.

Fear isn't bad. We fear for a reason. It's when we act out of fear and without compassion that it's bad. You fear for them, because you love them and you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't be a mortal as I know them.

[ He closes his eyes, tired. In a quiet voice. ]

You sound like my Master.

[Cole blinks and tilts his head.]

Is that good?

[ He huffs with faint amusement. ]

He'd certainly see it that way.

[Cole doesn't really understand.]

But do you?

I do. From a certain point of view.

[ The memory of his Master hurts less, though he finds it difficult to talk about, even now. ]

He loved you. And that love has made you stronger and kinder. How can that be anything but good?

I've seen it both ways.

[ He'd be naive to think love doesn't have its own problems. Even Qui-Gon lectured him on attachment. Several times. In that instance, Obi-Wan has been lenient on Anakin. ]

What goes both ways?

Emotions.

That's why Jedi chose the way we feel them. And how we let them go.

[ In a way, explaining his stance is calming him down. ]

I don't understand.

But... I am emotion. I'm Compassion. I don't know that I can understand that.

[ He shrugs. ]

It is a Jedi's way. I certainly would not expect other people to grasp it.

Though, asking them to respect it seems to be equally difficult.

I want to hear about it. Would you tell me?

[He hugs his knees to his chest, watching with a bright, attentive gaze.]

[ He suddenly feels unsure. He's been less than the consummate Jedi of late. ]

All right. We have a certain Code that we follow. However, people often believe, because of it, that we lack emotion.

[Cole nods, clearly actually listening.]

What is your Code?

[ He's quiet for a few minutes before reciting it, the words engraved on his heart. ]

There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death . . . there is only the Force.

[Cole waits until he speaks and then he listens, trying to understand what it means.

He doesn't agree with it, it doesn't make sense to him, but it means a lot to Obi-Wan and that's what matters.]

Can you explain that to me? Does it mean you should focus on the first things, not the seconds?

[ He waves his hand, flippant. ]

It's a guideline. Instead of letting your feelings fall into chaos and despair, you learn to feel them and let go. Death is not the end, after all.

I died once.

[He says it very matter of factly.]

It was very confusing and frightening, but not being alone made it easier.

[ Easier . . . he wonders if Qui-Gon found it easier, to know Obi-Wan was there. Their last moments were mired in their argument and Qui-Gon's decision to take Anakin.

His master had reached out to him. Had he done the same? ]

Death does not await me. Not yet.

It made it better for him.

[Cole looks Obi-Wan dead in the eye.]

It was hard, knowing you'd be alone with Anakin, but he was grateful not to be alone. To have you there.