002. text + action.

[astrobleme]

Who: Shinji Ikari and you?!
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: SS Heron.
When: 3/12.

[network.]

[Shinji rewrites this about a dozen times before he finally decides to post it. It reads:]

Hello. My name is Shinji Ikari. I'm a pilot that's stationed on the Heron. I'm sorry if I'm not using the network as it's intended, but I don't know how else to distribute this message. I've been a member of the Fleet for over a month now and I've met quite a lot of people who have treated me well. It's something I wasn't expecting at all. I haven't been in the best frame of mind, but people have gone out of their way to reassure me, offer to help me, or just talk to me. That's something else I wasn't expecting. I don't know why anyone bothers to talk to someone like me.

The point of this message is to say that I'm grateful. I'd like to thank all of those people, and repay them, if at all possible. I don't know some of their names or contact information, though. I do have an easier time of thanking my crew - I'm doing that now - thank you, everyone, for putting up with me. And hello to anyone who's newly assigned. Anyway, I'm on the Heron, like I said, and I have small tokens of my appreciation to give out if people want them. I'll be in the cargo bay all day by the gym equipment. Although it's kind of pathetic, a single conversation is enough to qualify for this. (Talking to people is helping my ratings...)

Kaworu-kun and Asuka, I have things to give you too. I know it's a little early for White Day.

Unrelated question: Is it possible to delete any content that's posted to the network? I'm guessing not, but maybe I missed an option for that.

Thank you for your time.


[action, aboard the Heron.]

[Shinji can be found sitting in the cargo bay, on a stretching mat, nearest to the gym equipment. He's young-looking and more than a little sleepless, wondering if he shouldn't have made that embarrassing post. He's in the middle of nervously, repeatedly digging his fingers into a netted bag of colorful marbles that he won from the arcade on the Starlight. They're beautiful glass marbles, each crafted to resemble a foreign galaxy.

This isn't much of a gift, but he hopes it isn't a stupid one.

He looks up whenever he has a new visitor. Before he says anything, he pauses his music player and takes out at least one of his earbuds.]

Hey.

Comments

[percolates]

Oh?

[She holds out two hands to receive the marble. Picking it up between two fingers, she inspects it closely.]

Oh! It's so pretty. But you already gave me Buku. I don't need another gift.

[astrobleme]

Some of them glow in the dark. I like those the most.

[Shinji looks at the far side of the cargo bay, squinting a little. He's thinking about something. When he speaks next, his voice is very soft and measured by the syllable. It's vital to choose the right words.]

It's more like... I need to give you the gift. Because I don't know how else to repay you.

[In his mind, a friendship with him is a burden that must be rewarded.]

[percolates]

There's nothing to repay.

[How baffling. But Ciri remembers his words: I don't know why anyone bothers to talk to someone like me. Did he truly have so low an opinion of himself that he felt obligated to give payment?]

I'm going to keep this, because I like it. [It's a disclaimer.] But friendship doesn't need to be repaid. The reward is in the company. If I didn't find spending time with you rewarding, I wouldn't come here to see you today.

[astrobleme]

[Ciri can claim friendship doesn't need to be repaid, but that doesn't change how Shinji feels about it. He's a well-spring of failure, tainting everything he touches, even the air that surrounds him. Too much time spent with him and she's liable to resent him for it without the proper incentive...

Of course, he can recognize his own self-hatred. This is a spiral and he's tightly bound in it.]

Sorry. I guess I'm... I know this sounds crazy, and desperate, and we haven't known each other very long, but seeing you here means a lot to me. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to keep friends. So I'm always... expecting...

[How embarrassing. He shakes his head at himself.]

Anyway, I like doing nice things for my friends. It makes me feel good.

[percolates]

[Always expecting to be left, abandoned. In that way she can relate--she can count on one hand the friends she's been able to keep for an extended period of time. They die, and it's always her fault. So, her face softens as she smiles, lifting a hand to touch Shinji's shoulder once more. She's just as careful as she was before, like reaching towards a skittish rabbit.]

I'm not very good at keeping friends, either. But I can promise you that I'm not going to go anywhere. Maybe with the both of us figuring this out, we'll discover something good.

[astrobleme]

[This time, Shinji doesn't seem so wary about being touched by another person. Probably the change in scenery is what's helping him. They aren't out in public--this is the quiet cargo bay of a spaceship. No strangers here to stare at him, to judge him...]

I find that hard to believe, you not being able to keep friends. Seriously, you've been nothing but nice to me... [But there are lots of ways to lose a friend. He knows that firsthand.] I don't want you to promise me, though. You don't have to do that. Maybe you'll have a good reason to leave, or... I don't know.

[He sighs, but he's renewing his smile.]

I guess two heads are better than one...

[percolates]

I could say the same to you, could I not? You've been nothing but nice to me. Anyone that hasn't met you is missing out.

[He's timid, but sweet. A grateful friend is a good friend.]

See? Who wouldn't want to see that smile of yours?

[She may be laying it on thick, trying to boost his confidence, but it's not untrue.]

[astrobleme]

[Ciri is laying it on thick, and she might not know how much of a gamble that is. There's a part of Shinji that wants to reject everything she's saying and, quite literally, run away. He's scum. He's the scorn of the earth. Everyone would be so much better off if he had never been born to begin with.

But there's another part of Shinji--sometimes smaller, sometimes bigger--that's always desperate to hear a compliment. Undeserved or not. Especially when it's undeserved. He starts to frown, and then he's smiling more, because he's thrilled and mollified and close to giggling. God damn.]

Mmm, I'd say you're trying to butter me up, but there's no reason to do... that...

[His cheeks are pink like the coral he's never seen.]

I just want to treat people the way I want to be treated. That makes sense, doesn't it?

[percolates]

It does. You treat people well, from what I've seen, and you deserve to be treated well, too. [This sort of quiet shyness is often bred from mistreatment, isn't it? After a moment of consideration, she decides to ask:]

People haven't always been kind to you, have they?

[astrobleme]

[Shinji's smile lasts for an admirable three seconds. Of all the personal questions, she had to ask the hardest one...]

Most people have just left me alone, and I'm sure they have their reasons for that.

[By "left alone," he means ignored, neglected, and abandoned.]

[percolates]

I really am sorry to hear that. More Shinji for the rest of us, then.

[It's hard to put a positive spin on being abandoned or left, no matter what the reason.]

[astrobleme]

[Shinji feels a real twinge of guilt in response to that. After all, Ciri doesn't know that Shinji deserved to be treated poorly. He did so much to ruin his world--by accident, but still. He should be explaining his circumstances instead of soaking up more attention. That's what he should be doing.

But he isn't willing to be that honest.]

More Shinji for... [It's so bewildering. More dubious than not, he says,] That makes me sound like some... something valuable. I mean, people have had uses for me, but never like... never because of me, just things I could do for them. I had an almost unique skillset.

[percolates]

[That hits a little too close to home. Ciri's expression darkens, thinking about how much of her life has been spent as tool, a means to an end.]

I know how that goes.

[Realizing that she sounds rather annoyed at the thought, she tries for a lighter tone.]

But you are valuable. As a person, not a thing or a tool.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji isn't the best at reading people, but he isn't totally helpless, either. There's a connection here, the slightest sketch of one, and he both does and doesn't want to ask how Ciri knows that. The truth can be scary.]

I hated... [My father. A self-conscious smile, now.] I hated being a tool, but at the same time, I didn't really mind it. I had something important to do. [He digs into the marbles restlessly.] I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the Fleet. I'm just not an entertainer.

[percolates]

Maybe it's time you found something fulfilling, something that isn't being a tool. When I was your age, I spent so much of my life running away, hiding. Not knowing how to make it stop.

[That's not to say that she's any better settled now. She's still running, avoiding capture, hoping that she won't be found on the fleet.]

Things got better once I realized the type of life I wanted for myself.

[It's a pretty picture to keep, even if it's unobtainable.]

[astrobleme]

[Shinji never expected this level of honesty from anyone, if only because he's rarely honest about his own painful issues. He's the type of person who answers with I'm fine when he's actually falling apart. So, this is...]

I know a lot about running away, [he admits, speaking more to his knees than to Ciri.] I tell myself I shouldn't run away, but then... but then I do, sometimes, and that just makes me feel worse. It's so stupid.

[For now, he's safe with the Fleet. For now. That could change in a heartbeat. He shouldn't take this time for granted, and it's hard not to worry.]

What... type of life? What did you want? I don't know what I want.

[percolates]

It's nothing very profound. I wanted to be free to do... normal things, I suppose. Ride horses, drink, make friends and not worry about their motives or if they were in danger. [To be a witcher, not a princess or queen or empress. A drop in the pond rather than the wave.]

[astrobleme]

[Normal things. Shinji didn't have a normal childhood with a mother and a father who loved him, but he did go to school and pursued a few hobbies. He wasn't expected to do anything special at all. And then he got that ominous letter from his father...]

I guess I do know what I want.

[That's a very quietly spoken reversal.]

I want to be normal. Whatever life comes from being normal, that's really what I want. Living somewhere that's not too cold and not too warm, and working a basic desk job, and just... no one depending on me to save them. No one depending on me for anything.

[percolates]

[Ciri nods. A simple life is not a bad one.]

I think there are different ways to be depended on, relied on. Ways that make you feel... like a person of worth. Like when a horse depends on you to scratch behind its ear. Something like that.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji nods, too, though he's more hesitant about it.] I've-- I haven't seen a horse in person, but I saw pictures of them. They did have big ears. [He lifts his hands to indicate horse ears and how they swivel... which is silly, very silly, and he drops his hands back down. He's almost smiling again.]

I don't know what that feels like. Worthiness. It sounds... comfortable.

[percolates]

[How does she keep meeting people that haven't met a horse in person? She laughs at his makeshift horse ears. Ah, if only they were in a better place than this.]

I used to have a beautiful horse named Kelpie. If we're ever in a place that has horses, I'll take you to meet one. Ride one too, if you'd like.

[He's so small he can easily fit in front of a saddle with her.]

I like you, so that makes you worth my time, and a worthy person.

[It's that easy.]

[astrobleme]

[It can't be that easy.

But it is.

But it can't be...

But it is, and Shinji feels guilty because he's misrepresenting himself. To some extent, everyone is wearing a mask. Everyone is trying to hide the ugliest parts of themselves. Shinji's ugliest parts are responsible for destroying the human race. He looks down at his hands, and for a split second, he swears he can see the blood on them.]

Probably won't be any harder than piloting, so I'd like to try riding a horse.

[His fingers are curling into loose fists.]

That should make me happy, right? If someone's willing to show me something... willing to tell me I'm worthy. A worthwhile person. That should make me happy. But I just feel like I don't deserve any of it. That doesn't make me any less thankful, though. Thank you, Ciri-san.

[percolates]

[Ciri watches him closely, listening to what he has to say. Damn anyone who would make a young boy feel worthless like this. Damn anyone that wouldn't try to build him up.]

You're welcome, Shinji. I think in time you'll get used to it. You'll believe me. [She has a feeling that must be a part of it.] You can tell me about this... piloting, you mentioned. Maybe that will help.

[Probably not, but she's curious about him.]

[astrobleme]

[To be honest, believing Ciri's words wouldn't change how Shinji feels about himself. Kaworu Nagisa is irrationally in love with Shinji, often waxing lyrical about this, that, or the other thing concerning him. Kaworu is very sincere about it. Kaworu wouldn't lie at all. But Shinji feels like Kaworu is just wasting his time, too. Belief has the same outcome as disbelief, in the end, which is why Shinji is so frustrated with his own emotions.

If his self-esteem got any worse, he'd turn to sludge and disappear.]

Mm... It's not a happy story, just to warn you...

[In other words, she doesn't have to listen to it.]

[percolates]

[She's assumed as much. Ciri settles down some more, stretching her legs out in front of her.]

I don't mind. Of course, it's only if you want to share. I just don't know much about you. It feels like I should.