driftfleet | Tourist, May I?

[ his cardigan is one of the only things he has from home, and still he finds himself considering burning it or at the very least - shoving it to the back of his closet and never wearing it again.

he tries to be cool when she mentions reid - the man was a huge part of her life, and recently, and she needs to be able to talk about him. but right now, he's just feeling like a very uncomfortable poor man's reid replacement.

just those things. just his biggest fear, his smarts, the way he dresses, and the way he approaches relationships. oh, is that all? is there anything else left, he wonders bitterly. is that why she's with him?

everything he says, everything he does, now whether it's the right thing is not his only concern. would reid say that? would reid do that? when she smiles and kisses him and says she loves him - is it memories of reid spurring her on? ]

So, not a punner.

No. [Okay, now she's really worried about what he might be holding back. It was stupid to tell him any of that, wasn't it.] It probably sounds like a lot, but it isn't. You're very different.

[ but are their differences good things, or the parts she's settling on? in a way, everything would make so much more sense if she is just settling on him - he could never properly wrap his head around someone like kitty loving him.

it feels like his heart dropped to his toes. he tries to force himself to listen to her words, not a subtext that may well be the figment of his imagination, but it's so hard not to go there.

they're very different. he's a genius at something that's unavailable to him to prove. he makes lame jokes, and gets stupidly excited about things that make most people roll their eyes and look at him like he's crazy. if he loses his mind, he won't be harmless. he doesn't need to meet the guy to know where he stands on the scoreboard. ]

Yeah -- yeah, he doesn't like tech, and if it was legally possible, I'd marry it.

[ conceal, don't feel. ]

[She brings a hand up to his cheek. She feels all twisted up inside, not knowing what he's thinking but it doesn't seem good. And, okay, not telling her more of what he's thinking actually is kind of a Reid thing to do but she's not thinking that right now and if she was she would definitely not be saying it. Maybe there were enough similarities that it made her uncomfortable sometimes, and she just thought it would be better out in the open, but right now she doesn't feel better. Right now she feels like she could be losing him. It's a little too early for that. Too panicked, but when you've lost as many people as she has and you have a fair amount of PTSD tied to it then these things happen.]

He broke my heart, Winn. I stopped myself from kissing you once when I came to visit that first time, because you were wearing a cardigan and it reminded me of him for a second. I'm not with you because there are similarities. I'm with you despite them.

I love you.

I love the man who made me a slinky just to see me smile. I love the man who works so hard for his friends that he has no time to himself. I love the man who gets excited about my powers and not scared of them. I love so many things about you that are nothing like him and a few that are. And please say something. [Because she's very afraid there is going to be silence at the end of all this.]

[ he turns his head a little to press a kiss to her hand. he really isn't heading anywhere good, and there's this knot of tension in his gut that refuses to be unraveled - but he wants more than anything to believe what she's saying. he wants it to be true. he wants to be loved, for once in his life, even if it's with despite ofs. there were always going to be despite ofs, that they're about someone else is as good as he can hope for, isn't it? ]

Gotta work on that lack of confidence with relationships. Cross one similarity off.

[ he's got a feeling he'll give kara her powers back, grow a pizza plant, and get everyone home before he fixes that, but a guy can dream, right? ]

[Very little of her tension dissipates with that action or those words.] Are you angry? [It feels like such a strange thing to ask a man who is showing her no signs of anger. She wishes she was a telepath right now.]

A little. [ he admits, because he promised her he would. ] But not at you. I'm not...really sure at who. But I'm just gonna go with him, cuz, happy as I am to get to be with you, he broke your heart and that entitles me to blame everything ever on him.

[ screw rationality, it has no place in feelings. right now, he'd rather be mad at reid for their similarities than at himself. oh, he'll beat himself up for it too, that'll come. but not just yet. he'll feel that anger every time he tries to decide what to wear, or say something clever, talk about his dad...he feels it every time he wants to tell kitty how much he loves her, how he will do everything in his power to take her home with him, and can't.

can't he ever be free of his anger? ]

[She presses in wrapping her arms around him, and burying her face against his chest.] I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not actually very good at the relationship thing. [She is the common denominator in all of them.] I just want you to be you. Please don't stop being you. [And don't leave me?]

[ he holds her tightly, stroking her hair because he knows how she likes it. ]

I'm pretty sure 'honesty' and 'communication' are on the top 5 list of every how-to-good-relationship advice column in the multiverse. [ he smiles a little, kissing whichever part of her head he can reach. ]

You can tell me anything, I want you to. And come on, if I could stop being me, you really think I'd still be it?

[ he's not an awkward nerd consumed by bitterness and anger by choice. ]

No, [He wouldn't, would he? That's sad. Even knowing how damaged she is, she wouldn't change herself. Erase herself apparently, but not change herself. Not with anything but growth and effort. No magical rearranging or trying to be someone else. Just being the best her.] but you should.

[ that was taken way more seriously than he expected it to. she knows him too well, doesn't she? in a way, it's a relief, to know that he can't get away with bottling his feelings. she's a safety mechanism, almost. ]

Definitely gonna ease up on the cardigan, though, if it'll make kissing me easier.

[ ok, so it's a work in progress. feelings are hard. ]

It was just that one time. I don't know. It's the same kind of clothing, but you wear it differently somehow. Also, you wear a lot of blue. I like blue. [Not that Reid didn't wear blue, but he wore purple a lot because it was his favorite color. She wants Winn to just keep being himself, but she should have known he'd take it this way. Of course he would.]

...I really didn't mean to make you self conscious. [MORE self conscious.]

Blue's a good color.

[ he was partial to it long before he knew it was her favorite. now, well, he just likes it even a little more. ]

You don't get the credit for that.

[ he's always been self conscious. he's short, excitable, loves science and cosplay...even if he didn't have his family for a family, he wouldn't lack aspects for people to mock. ]

[She lifts herself up to look at him. Her face is about as close as it can be for that kind of thing.]

You know I love you, right? For you? For all the Winning?

The Winning's easy, it's the Losing that's a challenge.

[ he can't take that look in her eyes. god, he feels like a schmuck. why does he have feelings? why can't he just -- be more of a stereotypical male?

he strokes her cheek. ]

I know. [ sometimes, he has a hard time figuring out the why, but when she looks at him like this - so desperate to keep him - mirroring a look he knows he's given kara and her so very often - it's impossible to refute. and he never wants to try. if this turns out to be a house of cards that'll fall apart in his hands - he doesn't want to poke at it. he just wants to be happy, for as long as he gets to. ] I'm the luckiest man in the multiverse.

[ are you ready for a smitten look, kitty, cuz one is coming your way either way. ]

[The smitten look does manage to start soothing her fears. Some of that concern melts away and she leans in to kiss him very tenderly and lightly.] No losing.

[She likes that he has feelings. Everyone has feelings. She just worries when she doesn't know what they are.]

[ he kisses back, happy to be spared for at least a moment from the need to figure out the right thing to say.

he hates that he has feelings, they usually hurt. if he's lucky, they only hurt him. if he isn't, the people he loves the most end up as collateral damage. ]

[She transitions to another hug when they part for breath.] I know communication is good. I wish... [She pauses trying to regather herself.] I feel like the things I have to communicate a lot of the time are just so...broken.

[ he rubs circles into her back. he knows where she's coming from - both out of experience (one of the reasons why communicating is so hard on him), and because he listens to her. horror story after horror story. the words 'I'm sorry' feel like they've lost their meaning, he's been saying them so much. ]

Talking about it is a pretty good way to piece things back together.

I guess if you're fresh out of all the king's horses and all the king's men. [She starts rubbing his back maybe just to comfort herself.]

They didn't do much good anyway. They should've known - you wanna put a shattered egg back together - you go to a nerd. We've got years of model building experience.

[ he smiles, hoping he's helping. ]

[He's always helping. Even when it's supposed to be other other way since she's the one who probably freaked him out here.] You know, no one ever actually says Humpty Dumpty is an egg.

[ he's far more comfortable in the helper role anyway. it's still difficult for him to accept help from her, when she's been through so much. his burdens are nothing in comparison. ]

Sure they do, when they give animation instructions.

I'm preeeeetty sure it was written before animation was a thing. [She has no idea when it was written, but it sounds like a safe bet and they can't look it up from here anyway.]

I'm a Millennial, I'm not even supposed to know books exist.

[ he shrugs. ]

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