driftfleet | may mingle (blameless!)

We're not secret agents anymore, are we? [ It had all been fun and games and then Shaw had turned up and destroyed the brief moment of happiness that had enveloped them. It was easier to just ignore those memories and focus on the present, the warmth of Hank in her arms and the way she keeps comforting him, letting herself explore his body with her hands in gentle, soothing motions, resting her cheek against him without hesitation. She feels nothing but want for the man in her arms and, hopefully, he'll begin to see it too.

The idea of being able to go out and spend time together before they go back to privacy, pure and perfect privacy, feels like something incredible that she doesn't quite deserve. Whatever happens, she thinks, it's going to be amazing; it'll be her first time having a date with someone and the first time she's spending time knowing what was happening between them, no doubts and no concerns.

Leaning back, though, she nudges his shoulder with a huff. ] I can leave, if you want - [ And she pretends to move back, shifting her leg ever so slightly. ]

Well - no, but it's - one thing if you call me that and another when everyone else does. [he doesn't want to think too hard about that, and he's happy to put it in the back of his mind. He's dwelled so much on it that he isn't going to let himself now] I didn't know it stuck after - that, until Logan brought it up.

[she tries to lean back and - he doesn't let her. He tightens his arms to draw her back to where she was, huffing in return] That wasn't a complaint. [he finally lifts his head to look at her] And I don't want you to leave.

I think it's different for me. Mystique is who I have to be, because sometimes it's too hard to be Raven. No one called me that when I was with the others anyway - it was always just Mystique. Only you, Charles and Erik ever use my name. [ Which she doesn't mind all that much. Let the rest of the world see Mystique, the mutant that won't stand for her people being abused. Let her family see her heart, broken and tattered and needing to be fixed.

She does manage to fight her laugh when he pulls her close again, though, leaning in to press a gentle kiss against his mouth. ] I wasn't actually going to leave. [ Her smile softens, and she kisses him again. ] I don't want to go.

[he lifts a hand to cup her cheek, thumb brushing across the skin] That's because you've always been Raven to me. [when she wasn't here and he spoke to the other Mystique, he had asked first - and stuck with the nickname when she answered, because calling her otherwise would be too hard.

He kisses her back, smiling into it each time, and his arm relaxes, but stays around her] Well - good. I'm glad we're in agreement.

[ She doesn't mind being just Raven to him, and her features soften before she nods her head. Tilting herself up all she can do is hold on to Hank, enjoying his warmth and the steady comfort of being in his arms. ] It used to annoy me, but when it's you... It's nice. I don't think it would sound right to call me 'Mystique' while we're making out, would it?

[ The kisses are lovely, and Raven knows she's never going to get tired of how it feels to be in his arms. ] Should I tell you other things I like? The other things you do that I enjoy, other than just being here?

Mm, no. [he laughs a little, a huff of noise] It'd be a little strange, honestly. [he likes that he's allowed - he'd do it if he weren't, really, because "Mystique", while suiting, had never stuck with him. And they'd been growing close at that point anyway. He couldn't call her that.

The knee-jerk reaction he has is to tell her yes, because - he wants to know what he should and shouldn't do, know where he's screwing up and what he's doing right. But after a moment he shakes his head. That wasn't how this would work] Do you want me to hide again? [is what he says instead, poking fun at himself and how easy it is to fluster him]

Then we'll keep being Raven and Hank. [ Mystique was for back at home, when she had to be violent and dangerous, not soft and accepting of what was developing between them here. She could tilt her head up, then, and look at Hank, stroke her hand against his cheek and feel him there, biting her lip as she considers all the things she wants to do with him, at his side. It would be so easy to give into it and just spend the entire day kissing him, but without privacy...

She shakes her head, drawing him close. ] I quite enjoyed you hiding against me, you know. I like having you that close. [ Which is true. She drops the topic easily enough, understanding and knowing Hank well enough to know when to pause things for now. ] I could get used to it.

[with everything he knows from the other worlds, the thought of "Mystique and Beast" is almost hilarious to him] It'll still make heads spin. Which I don't mind. [and - now he knows he's being a brat, but he doesn't care] Raven and Hank - you know that's just us, right? It isn't - something that's happened elsewhere, I think. [it's that much more important]

You don't want to get used to it. [it's teasing, but he also doesn't mean it. But he takes it as an invitation to rest his head against her shoulder, tighten his arms around her again, mumbling] I want to figure those things out, though. Isn't that - part of all of this? You can't just tell me, it's cheating.

We're unique? [ She can't deny that it thrills her, and she wiggles a little as she considers it. With all that's happened lately, all the things she's learned, the idea of having something that's just theirs means more to her than she can really put into words. It makes her feel warm, and she grins as she leans up for another kiss. ] I like that it's not... Common. That it's not something that everyone expects from us. It's our choice, and I've chosen to be with you.

[ However being with him ends, at least they decided it together.

Raven feels so comfortable, so warm and happy when he holds her that she can do no more than bask in it, feeling the warmth flood through her before she breathes out. She's never really taken on the role of being the comforter before, always letting her sorrows drag along Charles' company or keeping them to herself, never close enough to be someone else's support, but now... She's sharing so much with Hank that it's just perfect. ] I was going for more 'I like when your lips are on my neck because it makes me shiver', but I suppose you're right. We should learn those things together, in time. We have that now.

Mm, it's - this is ours. [it comes out a little softer and far more possessive than he meant to, but he won't lie and say that it isn't something that thrills him either. He'd heard of an evil Hank McCoy, one who had become a professor like he was meant to, and never once was there any mentions of him seeing Raven - or Mystique, or anyone, really. It did make him wonder why, but - it was an idle thought and nothing more I kind of like that it's unexpected, too. No one can tell us what's going to happen.

[and it's scary, thinking of it that way, but it's better, too. It could go differently, if they were back home. Who knew how long Raven would stay away, if she would ever come home. Being here in the fleet, it just made it all the more theirs. Their time, to do what they wanted with it.

He's very glad she can't see his expression, though, because he goes a bit wide-eyed and - he just barely mutes the flustered noise that wants to burst out. But it warms him to hear her echo back what he's been telling her, that they have time - to figure these things out, to just be with each other] We do. And - we're obviously planning to use that time wisely, so - no spoilers.

[there it is, your reminder that you're dating a nerd]

[ The possessiveness doesn't upset her - she hates the idea of being owned, but the idea of belonging is something entirely different to that - and she warms to it a little, tilting her head up and leaning towards Hank without hesitation. It's almost a relief to think that what they're sharing here is something that's theirs, that no other world is waiting for them to mirror the stories told there. What she shares with Hank belongs to her and to him and no one else; there's no future waiting to be spoiled, no people waiting to see them reenact events that they've already seen. ]

We get to decide what we do and how we do it. There's no expectations or - or future that we have to live up to. It's just us, and what we want. [ Things might be stranger if they were back in New York, but they're not. They're here on a fleet with people that know them and don't know them at the same time, and she can allow herself this stark moment of pleasure and joy, letting herself feel the warmth of his company and allowing herself to daydream about a future that might never happen.

They're not going anywhere any time soon, however, and Raven knows that; there are people that have been here far, far longer than she has and probably longer than Hank, too. If they do end up going home then she will simply have to find a way to deal with her memories, maybe finding some kind of peace with the world. The thing that stopped her going home was Charles and his control, but if that had changed too, if Erik had changed... Maybe they could change their world and give her the path she needs to go back to the mansion.

Raven does manage to huff out a laugh, though, stifling her giggles against his head as she tilts herself to kiss his cheek, hand stroking through his hair in a content, idle way. ] No spoilers, I promise. I want to learn everything about you, Hank, explore not just who you are but what you like, too. We never had that before Cuba, we never had time, but now... [ She closes her eyes, resting her body against him; he's strong enough to hold her up, in more ways than just physical. ] We can do this, can't we?

Edited 2016-05-15 22:42 (UTC)

No, and - technically, our future has yet to be built anyway. We changed that - you changed that. [and he's proud of her for that, that she made the decision and saved them all, that she spared a life that shouldn't have been spared and didn't doom them to a future that was nothing but pain. So much so that they had to send Logan back to fix it.

And that - brings up a memory, one he's rarely shared or spoken about. He turns his head to kiss her cheek, fingers flexing against her spine as he shifts] I asked about it once, if - I made it in the future. Logan told me I didn't survive. [he wants her to know just how important what she did was, beyond all the things that she already knew. He doesn't know when, or how, but she saved him, too. He can't deny that it was a thought on his mind for a long time] So - knowing that I actually have a future, and - one with you in it - it's important.

[hearing her laugh, though - it makes him smile, and she can probably feel it as his shoulders shake a little in silent laughter, too. That they're just enjoying themselves, it's both such an old and new concept. That they can is if a gift, he thinks] We can do this. [he sounds so certain of it, and with all the humor fading away there's something desperate and hopeful in his voice] I know we can.

I didn't do it by myself. [ If Charles and Hank hadn't followed her and tracked her down then she knows she would have gone through with it. The fact that Charles had been able to bring her down from that point of destruction means more to her than she can really express, given how frustrated and angry she had been with him at the time, and she still wanted to punish Trask for what he had done, punish the Government for their blindness. The anger burns inside of her with a passion she can't disguise, but at least she can find a new outlet for it.

Hank continues, though, and Raven goes tense in his arms, staring at nothing before she takes a deep breath and leans back. Her eyes are stuck on him for a long, long moment and she imagines finding another lab, another set of files, or autopsies, seeing one with Hank's face and Hank's name and she wants to cry because it's a nightmare. Her arms are quick to go around him again, her entire body shoving into his as she grips him with almost all her strength, pressing her face into his neck and squeezing her eyes closed. ]

I won't let anyone hurt you. [ There's an unspoken thing there, that she would likely walk the line of murder to keep him safe if she has to; it doesn't frighten her as much as it should. The line is blurred when it comes to the people you love, and Raven knows she already loves Hank with all of her heart. ] No one is going to do anything to you as long as I can help it, okay? When we go home, if you need me - if someone dares - I'll come back. I'll come back for you.

[ Her hand is still stroking through his hair, but it's more to calm herself, now, than it is to comfort him. The idea of losing Hank makes her feel sick, a painful, sharp thing in her mind that's level with the idea of losing Charles. She might have hated them both for a short time, in her own way, but she knows that she loves them with more ferocity than she could ever hate them. When she leans back she kisses him, hard, holding him close and trying to breathe him in. ]

We will - we can do this together. We can live together.

[he sits back as she tenses and almost falls backwards as she shoves into him - surprised enough that he makes a noise and has to free a hand to brace behind him so they both don't go sprawling over the bed or the floor. The strength behind that and her words surprises him, because he hadn't meant to get this reaction - and yet he takes it in all the same, his emotions suddenly a strange mess of what ifs and doubts and the fierce love he has for her]

Hey - hey. [his tone is gentle and concerned] No one's going to hurt me. [he's sure of that, at least, and it isn't as though he won't defend himself, if it were necessary. There's something else in his voice, though, a hint of unease and not being sure what the future holds for him when it comes to that, but he's doing his best to push it back] I don't even know details about that, Raven, and - if you come home, I want you to come back because you want to be home, not - because you want to save me. I know you would anyway, but it won't - it isn't going to happen. That future doesn't exist anymore.

[in a way, he has to believe that. Convinced himself of it for so many reasons, and his potential death isn't even at the top of the list. He should have never asked in the first place, and yet he did, and it will always be on the edge of his mind, making him just that more wary of the world. But maybe that's a good thing, too. That the world he wanted at one point to be so apart of now is even more dangerous than he first realized, back in Cuba.

The fierceness of her kiss surprises him too, but he returns it and then some, because he understands. Had she been the one to tell him she didn't survive in some form of their future, he'd feel the same way. So he lets her kiss him and hold him close and take comfort in that he's still here. Like he's taking comfort in her being here]

Mm, we can. We're - too stubborn not to make it work.

[ It's hard to imagine the idea that she might go back to the mansion one day just to find out that Hank wasn't there anymore, that something happened and she had missed it. She had always thought that Charles and Hank would look after each other while she and the rest of them would fight back against the violence in the world, but that might not even be the case. She knows that they've changed the future and that things won't go the same way, but that doesn't mean that all the danger is gone and there's a fierce protectiveness that she can't hide, her grip hard as she fights to let go and keep her emotions in check at the same time.

The idea of the mansion being 'home' still sits wrong on her shoulders and she doesn't want to dwell on it, thinking of Hank instead, lifting her hands to hold onto him and let herself have the gentle comfort of him in her arms. No one would hurt him here, at least, because Raven would fight them with all that she has. She would do the same for Charles, she thinks, and, grudgingly, for Erik, a ferociousness that comes out when family and loved ones are threatened.

It's funny. No matter how much they hurt her, how much she hurts them, she knows they would risk everything for each other. She had seen it in practice. ]

They better not. I meant what I said. [ She does soften, though, her grip relaxing as she shifts to just... Lean against Hank, making herself comfortable and making sure she isn't squashing him under her weight - no matter how strong he is.

She feels like it shouldn't be this easy, pressing herself into Hank's arms - they still have so much they need to talk about, so much they need to do and figure out, but they said they had time. They changed the future. No one is going to hurt them as long as she can still fight, and that means whatever is still between them can be worked out. Just because things feel perfect now doesn't mean it will be forever - and that's fine. It's a part of growing up and she had learned that through living rather than being cooped up and hidden away.

Resting her head against him, Raven relaxes and breathes out. ]

Even when it gets hard.

[to think Raven would come back just for that almost frightens him. The mansion was always safe, the one place in the world that Hank knew that, without a doubt, was home. The thought of something coming along to ruin that, to put him and Charles and Erik in danger - that it was still a possibility, stirs that brief memory even more. Charles knew about it, but maybe it was something they'd have to talk about. They have changed the future, that he's certain of, but . . . what if certain things were still going to happen? What if other people were hurt because of him?

He lets those thoughts fester as he holds Raven close, comforting her while he dwells. But only for a moment; he can think about them again later, when he's alone and decides to do something about all the anger and emotions just stirring below the surface]

They won't. [it isn't a lie, really. He'd never let anything threaten their safety] But I know you mean it. Don't - dwell on it too much, though.

[he lifts a hand to rest against the back of her neck, ducking his head to breathe her in. Even when it gets hard is such an understatement when it comes to the complicated mess that their lives have become. He knows they'll argue. He knows that they'll never see eye to eye on some things. He even knows that one day, he might slip and say the wrong thing no matter how careful with his words he is, and he's accepted that.

It means too much that they have the chance to make this work. He'll take the good with the bad]

Even then.

[ They don't really know what the future will hold - not anymore, at least. Raven remembers cornering Erik in the subway and him telling her that he had been trying to save their future - and she had wanted, so much, to believe him. But then she remembered her blood on the pavement of Paris and she couldn't see anything but her own anger, hissing out her words at him and limping away. The worst part was, in all of it, was that she understood. She understood that he was trying to protect all mutantkind and if their roles were reversed... She might have found herself making the same decision that he did. She might have been pressed to make her own mind up.

For now, she and Hank breathe each other in and nothing else matters. She can rest against him and close her eyes, she can settle with her body against his and know they're both safe. It might be complicated and it might be hard, but they can do it. They can do this together because they care about each other... And it's that realisation that makes her come to understand what she needs to do. It's the same sort of realisation that made her know she had to talk to Charles, and while there's a vile, sick anger inside of her there's hurt, too, and pain, and she has to try.

She has to try.

Slowly, Raven tilts herself and tucks her head against Hank's neck, squeezing close and gripping at him. It takes her a moment but she swallows and tilts herself closer, her voice a quiet whisper against his body. ]

Hank?

[ She grips at nothing, her nails digging into her palms. ]

I think I have to talk to Erik.

[he can feel her tensing and isn't surprised by what she says, and he immediately squeezes his arms around her. The thoughts on his mind just seconds earlier are suddenly brushed away, shoved into their neat little box to focus on something more important, and - Erik and Raven were just as complicated, if not more so given what had happened.

He hums softly, an agreeing noise as he searches for what to say, words of encouragement or something else, he isn't sure. But she should speak with him; he's taking a guess, but Erik surely was just as unsure as Raven was, even more so given all the changes he had gone through]

You should. [he finally says into her hair] When - you're ready, of course, and you don't have to do it alone if you don't have to. [but he thinks she should, just the two of them working out their issues]

[ The thing is that Raven both wants and doesn't want to talk to Erik; she doesn't want to face him because it feels too damn hard to even imagine it. It's too hard to even consider the idea that she might have to look at him and see the face of a man that wanted to see her dead - but he didn't want her to die, did he? Not really. The heat of the moment made it seem so black and white, but Raven isn't stupid enough to think that it was that simple. She knows that what she wants is not to talk to him, not to hear an explanation that would absolve him of what he tried to do because it hurts, it hurts so damn much that it's the only thing she can think about.

Why she's bringing this up now - it seems stupid, really, to consider, thinking about the fact that she and Hank had rode so many emotional rollercoasters in the past hour. Hank knows more about this Erik than she does, though, and she wants to trust his judgement, wants to believe that Hank might see more than she does - because she wants to imagine that she can cling to someone that will make her able to take a step closer to forgiving Erik. It's hard, when someone that hurt you so terribly is someone that means more to you than words can possibly ever express.

Erik is family. Charles is family. Hank is family. The word is sour and strange on her tongue, but - that's the only word that fits. Her own blood relations hadn't been a part of her life since she had escaped and found herself in Charles' kitchen, and now... Now she yearns for something she hadn't even realised she was missing. ]

I'm sorry. This whole afternoon has been a mess.

[it's only because they've been nothing but honest with each other since she arrived that the half-amused noise slips out, muffled in her hair. His voice is wry and a little tired sounding] Don't be. My whole week has been a mess - this is . . . less of a mess and more - something we're working on.

[it was different and important, no more or less so than everything else, but it was right now, too. And, he had to admit, things with Raven, regardless of the actual topic, were always a priority]

If - it makes it easier to talk to him, just know . . . I wouldn't have let him come back to the mansion at all if I didn't trust him. [it's more fact than anything else; he isn't taking sides in all of this, because when it came down to it, they were both his friends. He loved Raven, and Erik had come to be someone Hank depended on - still did] I know it's hard to hear, but - just keep that in mind.

[he pauses, and - just because this conversation has been so up and down already -]

He's still a stubborn pain in the ass, though.

[ It's hard, being honest, and it makes her heart feel like it's about to break into pieces all over again - because all the things she feels are almost too much for her, an intensity that she had tried to hide for so long. Raven was meant to be strong and she had learned to hide how she felt to make herself stronger, truly emulating the man that had once been her leader, and coming back from that in the arms of someone she knew she didn't have to pretend in front of was like breaking down a wall holding everything back.

Maybe what she needs is to just talk - maybe what she needs is just to let it all out, and she trusts Hank to listen to her. She doesn't trust Charles in that way, not right now, because all her memories of trusting Charles are tinged with him wanting to give advice that seem more like lecturing than anything else, as if he knew better how she ought to act and behave. She knows he's grown since then, but some things still grate on her and make her feel uncomfortable and unable to really speak.

Sometimes, Raven thinks that what she really feels isn't as important as what she should be feeling. Maybe it's true - maybe it isn't. She hasn't lead a perfect life, and it's harder to distinguish these days. ]

Charles wouldn't have either. I know that - there's no way Charles would let him near that place if he thought Erik would threaten his dream. [ The stupid dream of mutant equality with humanity, of a perfect school where the children could be free and happy. It would be wonderful if it was that easy, and - bitterly, she admits that the dream wasn't stupid. If she could find peace she would take it, grasp it with both hands, but she sees the things Charles doesn't in the rest of the world, and she's incapable of ignoring it.

Slowly, she begins to speak. ]

When I woke up here it was - less than a week since he had tried to kill me and I learned in less than an hour that he was dating my brother and they had gone home together. When we left, Hank, when Charles let me go and we left Cuba with Azazel, Janos and the others... Erik was everything I had. He was everything I had left because I had to let Charles go. Do you understand?

[ Erik hadn't just been her leader. He had taken the place of Charles in her life, guiding and teaching her, protecting her and keeping her safe - but he also allowed her a freedom that Charles didn't and, in the end, she had abandoned him as well. She wasn't proud of it, and she wasn't glad to hear where he had spent the last decade, but she had to keep going because he couldn't. ]

The only thing I can remember is the look in his eyes when he held up the gun. Like... Like I was just another hurdle to jump - that's what it felt like. Like I was one more obstacle in the way, and suddenly all of that, all the things we shared and all the time we spent together... It didn't mean anything. It was like I didn't mean anything.

[ And maybe that was the worst part. She knew why he made the choice, why he needed her to die, but - she doesn't want to. It hurts so much to think that she was so disposable to someone that she had loved fiercely. ]

It doesn't matter what Charles would have thought. [he wants to make the clear; Charles and Erik had a deeper history than any of them, another world Hank only knew a little about, but even with that, if Hank and Erik hadn't become closer than they ever were back home . . . ] If I didn't think Erik was worth the second chance, I wouldn't have let him near the place.

[and he means that, too. He can remember the two of them talking about it, and Hank jokingly asking Erik if he was trying to give him reasons to bar him from the mansion. He had the reasons, sure - but he had experiences that overrode those. It wasn't just for Charles' sake that Hank was fine with it.

But he understands everything Raven means - Erik had never spoken about what they had done before he'd been put in prison, but he could make his guesses. And - he knew that in that time, he and Raven had to have grown close.

And god, Paris - hell he had been there, standing right next to Erik, when he'd taken the gun and pointed it at her. He had tried to stop him from shooting her, too, as much good as it had done. He'd seen his expression, and Raven's. He had seen what happened without words]

I know. [it's gentle, understanding. Erik had taken the extreme choice in the matter, knowing that neither he nor Charles would have agreed] And - you have every right to be angry at him. It might not be - recent for him, but it's recent for you. And he has to address that, and - whatever else the two of you decide to talk about.

But - I know you don't mean nothing to him, either. It may have seemed that way, but - I watched you two speak on the network. I've spoken to him, too. He still cares about you, just as much as Charles and I do.

[he sighs out, almost a huff, his tone a little guilty] It sounds like I'm defending him and - I'm not. I'm really not. And - I don't know much about the man he was, because we were never close. I just know who he is now.

Would you have thrown him through the foyer too? [ She means it as a joke, she truly does, but it comes out almost a little too broken for there to be any humour left. Instead, Raven huffs a noise and looks away for a moment, considering before she leans back to look at Hank. A part of her hates the idea that he might trust Erik, but at the same time it means something - it means more than she can put into words.

Hank wouldn't let Erik come back if he was a threat to Charles, or a threat to her. He would destroy Erik if that was the case, and she can finally appreciate what it means for Hank to have been in another world. He's different, grown up more than she had seen in the mansion that night, and she welcomes it because she needs someone to tell her that it's all going to be okay. She needs Hank to be the one to support her and guide her, because she can't do it herself - she can't do it alone right now.

It's just too much pain, she thinks.

Raven wants to be independent, she doesn't want to rely on anyone - she had relied on Charles to keep her safe for so long, leaving her feeling smothered and loathed as if she was somehow more a pet than a family member - and she fears that if she walks that path again she'll lose it all. What she needs, she tells herself, is balance. Someone that knows that she needs to be alone, to have her streaks of fierce reclusiveness, but also knows that sometimes she needs someone who doesn't mind holding her when she can't be strong anymore.

Swallowing, she nods her head. ]

I think it might have been easier if he didn't care about me. If I didn't care about him. At least then I could make excuses for him, as if I was just something he needed to get rid of to protect us mutants. If he didn't - if he wasn't... So much.

[ Raven was never in love with Erik, not romantically, but she did love him. She did love him, passionately and dangerously, and she would have done almost anything for him and in his name. She respected and admired Magneto, and even now she knows she emulates what she saw in him, the leader that had guided and shaped her for so long - she believes, passionately, in what he had taught her, and she can't just drop that or pretend it didn't happen.

Loving someone that betrays you is sickening, and she has a sudden surge of empathy for Charles - and she hates herself a little for the things she had been too blind to see. ]

I always knew who he was. I thought I did, at least - that's why I left with him. He made me believe in so many things, including myself and what I was. Hank... [ She breathes out, her leg shifting a little - the one that the bullet had hit. ] When Charles said he and Erik had come for me, together, I thought...

[ She thought they were going to go home. ]

[he knows what it sounds like and what it's meant to be, and regardless he sounds completely serious in his answer] I'd throw him through the front gate.

[through, because he knows how angry he would have been. But that isn't the case now; the man he was before Kyriakos was no less possessive of the people in his life than he is now, and he would have done anything to keep Charles and Raven safe. After Kyriakos, Erik had somehow fall into that very short list as well. What felt like a small lifetime of experiences had smoothed over most of what had happened in the past for that to happen.

but he listens and - as her leg shifts, his hand falls to rest over the spot where she was shot, his touch both light and possessive at the same time. Erik had tried to kill him too, at one point - he'd almost been crushed by a sentinel under his power, and it had only been quick thinking that had saved him - and taken him out of the fight completely. He remembers learning about that and not being able to accept it at first, because it was - nothing like that man he was getting to know. Nothing like the Erik he knew.

And even then they hadn't understood it all until the very end.

He lifts his other hand to her cheek, drawing her attention and frowning a little] That's what it was supposed to mean. That's what we all wanted. [on the plane, he'd heard everything they'd talked about, argued about - the plan had been to save her and bring her home] Even Erik.

Don't make excuses for him, because he won't make them for himself. And - I think you know that. But - talk to him. I think, more than anything, that if - any of this is going to work, between me and you, or you and Charles, that - you and Erik have to talk, too. Otherwise it'll hang over both of your heads and only get worse.

I am the last person that will make excuses for Erik Lehnsherr.

[ There's a bitterness there that she can't quite come to terms with.

The truth is that she knows that she could make excuses for him if she wanted. She could argue that in his position she might have done the same, that if she was forced to make the choice her hand might have slipped - because she had almost killed Trask to protect mutants, hadn't she? Maybe she and Erik weren't as different as she had imagined and maybe she was just waiting for her time to make the hard choices; it's what it seemed and she had to try and calm herself, to not let those thoughts drag her down.

Maybe it's hard to accept what Erik did because it's hard to accept that she would be just as brutal.

The thing is that Raven wants to know this Erik, too. She wants to know the man that Charles has fallen in love with, the man that Hank trusts and seems to respect. She wants, desperately, to forget all the hurt and focus on the man that she is supposed to be able to see - but it's not that easy. Again, she feels that loneliness, the ostracised pain that comes from not being part of the world the three of them had been in before.

Would it have made things easier? Would she have found herself able to be around Erik had she never remembered all the hurt and heartache? Would she have realised her connection to Charles, would she have loved Hank?

It was stupid to think about, because she wasn't there. They lived without her, and she had to accept that. She wasn't a part of that life, no matter how hard it was to swallow.

Leaning forward, Raven rests against Hank again, closing her eyes. ]

I hate him. I wish that was all I felt, but it isn't. You never stop loving someone, especially someone like Erik.

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