ᴏᴏ1 : ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ

[privatizes]

Who: Tony Stark [privatizes and YOU.
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: S.S. Pathstone.
When: Now!

[ tony has spoken to some folks on the fleet already, and has figured out a number of things.

1. this is not the first time he has been here. apparently, there have been multiple versions of him here, and therefore a good number of people aboard the fleet knows who he is. whether or not that's a good thing is yet to be determined.

2. there are alternate dimensions, universes, and worlds. which he knew already, thanks to loki and his fucking magical mystery tour of hell a few years ago, but it's a lot different here. memory mismanagement, different versions of different people... hawkeye is a chick now? sure, whatever. okay.

3. he has no suit. he has no lab. he has no money. he has literally nothing that he usually brings to the table when he does this whole 'good guy' thing, and so he has to make do with the weapons he does have.

4. the reality tv thing is probably bullshit, but you know what? let's do this thing.

so when tony finally turns on the camera to greet the fleet properly, he's sitting at the communications station on the pathstone, fiddling with a screwdriver in his hands. ]

So.

[ smooth beginning ]

What's a guy gotta do for a decent latte around here?

[ that's it. that's the post. time to feel out how many people actually recognize him around here. but first: ]

[ encrypted; filtered to steve rogers, wanda maximoff, peggy carter, and the vision ]

Hey, gang. Avengers Assemble or whatever.

[ he really just wanted to say it once. but after that joke, tony grows a little more serious. ]

I set up an encrypted feed. You're all on the list. I'm the only one who can add people on and off it, so don't bother trying, 'cause I'll both notice and be pissed that you tried. The Atroma can probably read and listen to every single word, but I'm still not convinced the rest of the Fleet is as trustworthy or welcoming as they claim to be. Best we keep anything superhero related to ourselves.

[ and he pauses ]

They put me on the Pathstone. It has no shields and no weaponry, but it has a jacuzzi.

[ said in the world's most dry tone ]

And on a totally hypothetical note, what happens when you apply to be captain on the computer?

Comments

[spontaneouscombustion]

Sure am! Are you a talking human?

[She's not being sarcastic, she's only known humans EXISTED for a few weeks now, AND learning the differences between humans and humanoids.]

[privatizes]

[ ... you know what

aliens are real. talking ponies? why not. see it. believe it. scientific theory satisfied. ]

Last time I checked.

[ . . . ]

So were you born talking, or are you some kind of science experiment gone wrong, or did HYDRA just get really bored, or... what.

[ tony stark: master of tact and professionalism ]

[spontaneouscombustion]

[Y U GOTTA B SO ROOD?!

Naaaah Pinkie just giggles and takes it in stride.]

Nope nope aaand nope, I don't know what bored hydras have to do with that though~

I'm from Equestria, it's in a WHOLE different world than this one! LOTS of ponies like me live there! I wasn't BORN talking, though, I had to learn just like any other filly!

[Sooo an alternate world where ponies are a sentient species and the primary demographic of at least one country.]

[privatizes]

[ jesus christ these are some powerful drugs ]

...right, anyway.

[ MOVING ON ]

You said kitchen rank III, right? I'm guessing that's what you have?

[spontaneouscombustion]

[Just wait, she hasn't even gotten to the part about pony magic literally making the world go 'round. And the sun, and the moon.]

Yup! I don't usually go for coffee though, it's just a teeeeeensy bit too bitter, no matter HOW sweet I make it. My crewmates told me you can buy upgrades for the kitchen and bathrooms and bunks and other stuff, though.

[PRAISE BE!]

[privatizes]

[ so all the ships aren't the same, and not all are created equal. hm. ]

So I'm guessing not all the ships have a jacuzzi.

[ he is clearly on the right ship, here ]

You have to go through the Atroma for all of that, though.

[spontaneouscombustion]

[Oh, they're created equally, but those upgrades are the product of a loooot of payments.]

Oh my gosh, you have a Jacuzzi?! Luckyyy~

[Not to self: look up cost of a Rank II Bathroom.]

[privatizes]

Yeah, but who knows how much power or water that takes.

[ he noticed that timer on the shower, though theirs seems to be gracious ]

Or who you have to share it with. I have standards.

[spontaneouscombustion]

[You REALLY wanna get jealous? Hiro rigged up The Bishop to have unlimited hot water.]

Standards?

[Hers is a clothing optional society. Heck, communal bathing at the spa's just fine.]

[privatizes]

You sound like you're about twelve, so I'm not going to explain my standards, because I'll get grounded.

[ he's probably already grounded after the whole ultron mess but whatever ]

But standards. They're important. Crucial.

[spontaneouscombustion]

Pffft, I'm not twelve, silly! I'm a full-grown mare!

[And she actually discloses her actual age to him, somewhere between her late teens and early twenties. Lucky, even her mun doesn't know no matter HOW MUCH she tries to figure it out!]

[privatizes]

[ jesus christ ]

... right.

[ pause ]

So how long is the average lifespan on your planet?

[ may as well make captain america hate him forever ]

PONY CANON, TELL US THESE THINGS SO I'M NOT GRASPING AT STRAWS!!!!!!

[spontaneouscombustion]

Let's see... A pretty long time! ESPECIALLY if you're a princess!

[Probably closer to a human's aging than a regular Midgardian equid since a six-year-old's still a young child.]

Silly me, though, we're getting WAY ahead of ourselves again! I'm Pinkie Pie, what's your name?

[What do you know, Steve was right!]

[privatizes]

[ good lord what in the hell is going on WHY DO PRINCESSES HAVE LONGER LIFE SPANS ]

... Tony.

[ he absolutely refuses to say the words pinkie pie out loud ]

Tony Stark. -- just Tony, that's fine, whatever -- you said princess?

pushing way in

[uprightness]

Stark.

[ stop harassing ponies :| ]

oh my god he just got here

[privatizes]

Cap.

[ no :| ]

already giving him migraines

[uprightness]

Do you really have to ask her if she's a talking horse?

[ seriously tony wtf you can't just ask a pony why she talks. ]

take an aleve man

[privatizes]

Uh. Yeah.

[ WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT ]

The more we know about the people we're stuck on this crazy train with, the better. You should file a complaint with the Atroma if you have a problem with my line of questioning; they're the ones who brought a weird talking horse HYDRA experiment here.

you take an aleve :|

[uprightness]

She has a name, Tony. There's a way to know things about people - beings - without insulting them.

[ you apologize to that pony ]

Her name is Pinkie Pie.

[ line face. ]

no u

[privatizes]

[ ........ ]

You are high on drugs from the 1940s if you think I'm actually going to legitimize that name by saying it out loud.

[ PINKIE PIE? ]

x(

[uprightness]

That's her name, Tony, you can't change it.

[ as weird as it may be. ]

and her name is Pinkie Pie. She is one of two ponies on the fleet that I know of.

[privatizes]

I change names all the time. I don't call Rhodey James.

[ why? because it's stupid. ]

Why is there a mutant horse outbreak on the Fleet?

[uprightness]

He's a friend, Tony, she's a stranger and maybe in her world, it's offense to change names.

[ AND THERE YOU GO AGAIN ]

The Atroma bring in people - beings from every world. Including whatever world the ponies are from.

[ ponyland? ponyville? ]

[privatizes]

Are you seriously going to go all ethnocentric social justice warrior on me over a pony?

[ TONY COULD NOT ROLL HIS EYES HARDER ]

Are there Pony Avengers, are you looking to sign them up to fight evil in this brave new world?

[uprightness]

Pinkie Pie has been helpful.

[ which means, yes, he will be exactly that. ]

The other one's name is Cheese Sandwich. You can mock that here instead of to its face.