driftfleet | Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

It'll be fine. They'll go away. They always do. It's just a bad cycle right now. Maybe because of that moon, or the thing with Winter.

_{[ Aka, he's hiding Kara, he's repressing so very hard, and he was
before.]}

I mean, I'm sure all of that is true. But I'm also sure that not shoving things under the rug so they have to come through as dreams would help.

It'll be fine, Kara. Like I said, they come and go - everyone has nightmares sometimes.

Yeah, I know. But just because everyone has them doesn't mean you have to be alone.

_{[ He heard similar threads from Spock and Bones. He had admitted some, because he had to, to make it look like he was making progress. Except he kept them down now, pushed them back and acted like nothing was wrong, because he didn't want to be told he couldn't go into space, that he couldn't be captain, that he wasn't okay. He just wanted to be okay and if he believed in that strongly enough it would be true, right? ]}

They're not anything anyone needs to hear. Just... seen a too few many things.

You do realize that by telling someone, especially someone who's interested and willing, you can't burden them more than you have already been burdened. Nothing I hear will be worse than what you've endured. And I've been through a lot, too, you know. I just also have a tendency to not want to bother other people with it. So do as I say, not as I do, Captain.

Or, at the very least, let me camp out on your floor for the rest of the night.

_{[ He is quiet again as he considers. Beverly knew what had happened to him, but he had mostly told her because she needed to know for his medical reasons. His blood was no longer fully human, and he was not sure what that might mean in the case of an emergency and his treatment.

Would it do him good to have someone else know? Would it do him good to have someone know to wake him from the nightmares, to know what to do with him in the case of an emergency? It made sense that someone else should know, because certainly his whole crew back home knew. They had been informed of his death when Spock had taken the con.

Logically, someone besides Beverly should know. And yet he found himself reluctant. He didn't want pity, or anything like it. It just felt so heavy, and he did not wish to burden someone else with it, with something they could do nothing about, because it was over and done. ]}

I think that's my line, Kara...

_{[ It's a sad attempt at joviality as he reaches for the water again, sipping slowly. ]}

You can't tell anyone else, if I tell you.

[ eye contact in the dark. even if he can't see her expression, her voice is as calm and sincere as he's heard in. her intensity shines through— no hint of pandering ]

I won't. Even—especially—Winn. I promise.

_{[ He knew she meant it. He had always believed Kara was a good and honest person, and he saw no reason to disbelieve it now. She was just that sort of person, which made them sort of alike, in a way. She had trusted him with what she believed her greatest secret, so perhaps this was only fair play. ]}

Good, because if he heard this... well, I don't know what he would do, but he definitely doesn't need to hear this.

_{[ Another sip of water, like it could provide liquid courage. Damn it, why didn't' he keep at least one bottle of alcohol in here? ]}

I was dreaming about when I died.

I agree, about Winn. He's easy to want to protect.

[ when he says he died, she takes it in. she doesn't react strongly on the outside—after all, she already knows someone who's Dead—though she wants to know more ]

I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?

He doesn't need something else to worry about.

_{[ He turns the glass of water in his hand. ]}

Long story short? My ship had been sabotaged and damaged. We were caught in Earth's gravity, falling towards it, and the nuclear core form our engines had come out of place. If we didn't put it back, the ship would crash - most likely right into San Francisco.

_{[ It would mean not only the four hundred on his ship would dead, but possibly hundreds of thousands, if not millions, more - especially if the cores had detonated. ]}

Scotty, my head engineer, and I ran to the core, but we were short on time. I knocked him out, and went into the core without a suit. I managed to kick the core back into place, but doing that meant it immediately began producing radiation. I was knocked back and managed to make my way to the decontamination chamber.

_{[ Another breath. ]}

It was to late though. The radiation dose I received killed me in a matter of minutes, well before anyone could safely open the chamber to retrieve me.

[ Kara, sitting next to Jim's bed, will try to reach for his hand, if she can, to squeeze it gently ]

Just like you, huh, to run straight into danger to save... maybe millions. It was very brave, Jim.

Reckless, but brave.

[ the last bit is said with a hint of a smile. they are very similar. the smile is short-lived, though, and her tone is more somber ]

That sounds awful. Your crew must have been devastated.

It was my fault to begin with. I let my emotions override my judgement. We wouldn't have been in that situation if I had just thought things through and listened to Scotty and the others.

_{[ There was a brief paused before he turned his hand in hers and squeezed gently back, telling himself it was to reassure her and not himself. ]}

They were. I was told later that Spock nearly went berserk and went after the man mostly responsible - Khan. But it's a good thing he did. Turns out we needed him to save me.

My CMO, Bones, put my body in a cryogenic tube to stop further decay, especially of my brain. Once they had Khan, Bones performed a full blood transfusion. Khan, being an Augment, had certain properties in his blood, including accelerated healing. It was enough to reverse the damage - essentially resurrect me.

Rao's light... that's incredible.

[ she doesn't get all the details, but she doesn't need to ]

That is some seriously quick thinking by your CMO. Do you feel it was completely successful? What are the aftereffects?

_{[ A pause again as he considers. ]}

According to Bones, I was in a coma for at least two weeks. And while much of my brain function degradation had been halted and damage reversed from Khan's blood, I had still been without oxygen for an extended period. It took me at least a month to gain back basic motor control - when I say basic I do mean basic, like just going to the bathroom on my own and forming complex words. I've spent the better part of the past year going through intense physical therapy and psychological therapy sessions, and I was thankfully deemed fit for duty again.

Other than the nightmares, I haven't felt anything off. But the nightmares are... wider ranging than just my death.

I'm sure you fought every step of the way. That you were able to recover so much is amazing.

What do you mean wider ranging?

I told you, didn't I? About Vulcan imploding? I was there when it happened. I was sent down to try and stop it - but we were to late. Nero very nearly did the same thing to Earth.

And then there's Khan and Marcus.... Khan is - was - an Augment, a creation of my Earth's past, part of a series of terrible wars. Marcus was an Admiral in Star Fleet, one of my superior officers. He woke Khan from his cryo-slumber, used him to help him create a ship that was nothing more than a war machine and went against everything Star Fleet stands for.

_{[ His hands tightened into fists. ]}

Marcus woke Khan, and Khan attacked Star Fleet HQ. Because of Khan, the closest man I had to a father died. Marcus manipulated me, sent me after Khan, used me to nearly start an intergalactic war. And to hide his crimes he was going to destroy my entire ship - my entire crew. It was why he sabotaged my ship's engine core. Khan wasn't much better, though at least he had better reasons.

[ this is the part that hits close to home for her, and she can't help herself from looking away when he talks about planets exploding, but she puts her hand over his ]

I'm sorry that time doesn't lessen some things... And I'm not sure any reason could really justify any of that. But you really are an amazing person. None of any of this is your fault, I can tell you that much, and things would've gone so terribly if you weren't there.

_{[ He had heard those words before. And while some of the situation wasn't his fault, a good portion of it was. And he could not escape that. ]}

That you for that, Kara, but if I'm being a responsible captain I have to admit that some of it was my fault. I let my emotions cloud my judgement and put me and mine in a situation we shouldn't have been in. Marcus and Khan were wrong for that they did, but I'm not blameless.

_{[ It was a truth he had to admit and accept and learn from. It was the lesson Pike had tried to teach him, and now he would have to figure out the rest without him. ]}

But it doesn't matter how they could have or did, right? They are what they are now.

Of course, but there's still value to understanding what could have been.

Take responsibility where you should, Jim, but don't let it drown you, either. I respect that you're willing to take it on at all. Honestly, it's very admirable. But to be a responsible captain, you also have to forgive yourself.

_{[ He made a snorting sound, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. ]}

Weren't we having this conversation earlier? Except I think the roles here were reversed.

Turnabout is fair play. Do as I say not as I do. Et cetera.

When it's the both of us, doesn't that kind of cancel it out and we end up doing what we were going to do anyways?

_{[ He let out a huff, an exhausted sort of laugh and leaned his shoulder against hers. ]}

[ she is totes going to hug him like alex is hugging in this icon ]

Well, it's always good to have goals.

Thanks for telling me, though. I really do appreciate it.

_{[ He huffs and doesn't fight it, patting her arm. ]}

You're welcome. You trusted me with your secret, so... well, like you said, fair play.

_{[ He licked his lips. ]}

I would appreciate you not telling anyone, but one other person does know - Beverly. For my medical safety, in case something happens, you can call her for me. And if she's not available, well, use your discretion.

Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

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