driftfleet | Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

[ he's taken real hits in his life, it's just been a few years. ]

Or else?

[ that bitterness isn't directed at jim though, and he knows it's unfair to snap at him when it's charles who violated his trust. he sighs, too worn out to get properly riled up; just the way he wanted to get. ]

I was just there dropping off books, I just came as a friend. And he...he promised he wouldn't get in my head without permission, but he sure was in there, talking about my dad.

[ of all private thoughts to invade. he remembers all too well the list of things charles had told him he could do with his powers - persuade people. change them. what if he'll do that to him? he wants to trust him because he's hank's friend, he's someone kitty cares for and trusts too. but he can't get over that fear. it's too close to home. and he feels bad, because people's minds - that has to hit everyone close to home. it has to be lonely, to be charles, and he understands loneliness.

but he tried. he trusted. and it was charles who violated that trust, so why is he the one filled with guilt? ]

_{[ Time to reacquaint you with them, then.

He pursed his lips when the other spoke, trying to sort out what he was saying from what he knew of Charles. It admittedly was not much, but he had played chess with him and enjoyed the conversation. Charles did not seem the type to root around in someone else's thoughts without permission or without good cause. Yet he couldn't discount what Winn was saying either. Winn certainly had no reason to lie, and he was with a mutant girlfriend and friends with a super-powered alien, so he shouldn't have a vendetta against someone with a gift. ]}

Had you said anything to him about your dad before? Did he reference anything you had not previously told him?

[ he glares at jim at that: does he not believe him? that hurts. why would he make something like this up, he wanted so badly to be friends with charles - he's important to kitty and hank. he was trying to show him that he didn't care about his powers, that when the man says he would stay the hell out without permission - he trusted him. and that trust was broken. and now he's feeling like he's the one on trial here.

his aggravation is clear in his voice. ]

What I said: my family has a history of mental illness. How he talked: like we basically practically had the conversation I had with you.

_{[ He meets the glare with a passive look of his own. Between him and Kara, Kirk was getting tired of having to explain the reasons behind actions and questions. Honestly, did the other really thing he thought he wasn't telling the truth? He was just trying to work out the whole of the situation rather than Winn's angry statements. Emotions had the habit of distorting situations, as Kirk well knew. ]}

Ah, I see. That's definitely not something you should be okay with. But even though I've met Charles only the once, I don't think he necessarily meant to do harm.

_{[ As in, no malicious intent. ]}

It might be that he got those memories of yours without actually meaning to - a subconscious thing.

_{[ But he didn't think so. Charles had spoken of his gift as something he could actively control, where as something like Leto's was just there and he had no control of it. ]}

You're right to be mad. But I think because you are you should go talk to Charles again.

[ he's angry, and upset, and talking is hard for him to begin with. he doesn't want to have to explain himself further - even if once he's calmed down he'll understand why he needed to - he just wants someone to be in his corner, tell him he's not a bad person, he's not discriminating against charles for having powers here - he's angry at a guy who did a shitty thing. he needs to hear that his anger is justified, that he's allowed it. ]

I talked to him twice, and he acts like I should trust him like I trust you, it's bullshit. [ he doesn't think charles meant harm - not this time. he did apologize. but in a way it just makes things harder because he's still angry and it feels like he's being robbed the right to feel what he's feeling. ]

And say what, Jim, how am I supposed to trust him now?

[ he hates mistrusting people. it's exhausting, and paranoid, and probably isn't going to help his claim to sanity any. but how is he supposed to trust someone who broke a promise this major? yeah, he believes charles really had good intentions - that he wants to help him. but a road paved in good intentions doesn't lead to pizza parties. ]

_{[ Kirk was in his corner. He didn't think he was a bad person, he never had, and that hadn't changed now. He was just trying to assess the situation and keep Winn from doing something he regretted. Heavens knew Kirk needed people like that around himself. ]}

No, Winn, talk to him about why you didn't like what he did. I'm not telling you to trust him, not if you're not ready to do that, and you might never be. But I think it might not be a bad idea to explain to him why you're upset - you know, confront him. Otherwise this will fester and that's not good.

Plus, maybe Charles needs to hear that what he did wasn't acceptable.

_{[ He's just trying to look out for you, really. ]}

[ winn needs it too, he knows he does, which is why he came to jim. but making the healthy choice is hard, that he managed one - if getting his ass handed to him to indicate he needs to talk can be considered healthy - is miraculous enough on its own.

it hits close to home, when jim talks about things festering. he knows how true that is, knows better than anyone, it's the expressway to becoming his father. but this conversation is scary to have. ]

You should've seen him when I told him to back off, Jim. [ the anger seems to evaporate, leaving sadness and exhaustion in it wake. ] It was like I run over his puppy.

[ or told him he's a monster. how can he tell him off when it makes him feel like the villain of the story? ]

I barely know him, and I'm the bad guy cuz I don't want him in my head - how the hell am I the bad guy? [ he doesn't want to be the bad guy, not even in a situation like this when he knows he isn't - he doesn't care charles has powers he cares about how he uses them, isn't that reasonable? if kara decided to throw him around for no reason he'd be mad at her too! and if someone got mad at him for hacking into their personal information just because, he'd understand their getting upset at him! ]

I never said you were the bad guy, Winn. I don't think you are. I think you are justified in being upset with the situation.

But on the side of Charles, he probably uses the mode of communication a lot back home. It's probably a hard habit to break, especially in therapy. That doesn't make what he did right, but I don't think it was meant as a malicious intrusion either.

_{[ He reached out, placing his hand atop Winn's head, the elder brother comforting the younger when the bullies were mean at school, when the girl rejected him for the prom, when the sports teams didn't pick him. He wanted to naturally be fully on the side of Winn, to be righteously angry and storm up to Charles and demand to know what he had done.

But that wouldn't help Winn. ]}

Maybe in a few days contact him over the network privately. That way you don't have to be so near him if you don't want to be. Discuss why you didn't appreciate what he did, why it felt like a violation to you.

I think it will be helpful for you. Cathartic, even.

He's not my therapist, I don't have a therapist, I never agreed for him to -- therapy me. [ that's a verb now, yes.

all things that have happened to winn as a kid - all things he could have used that gesture on. but he'll happily and gratefully accept it now, leaning his head back against the wall with a soft sigh. ]

I know I should.

[ but that's standing up for himself and it's so hard for him. he needs the practice, though. talking in general is way harder on him than it should be, he should have been able to knock on jim's door and tell him what's wrong instead of putting him through this ridiculous probably pointless workout because he wasn't really concentrating at all. ]

Sorry, Jim.

[ he's a real pain-in-the-ass little brother. ]

You were going to him to discuss things, weren't you? But fine, he's not your therapist, but you get my point.

_{[ Kirk is slowly learning where to push and when. He was taking it as a good sign that Winn had tried to talk at all, either to him or to Charles, so he wouldn't argue over semantics. Though he didn't want this one interaction to make the other clam up again, and Kirk was simply not equipped to give Winn the help he needed. Not all of it.

The captain shifted to lean against the wall beside Winn, crossing his legs and looking relaxed, like they were just two guys chilling after a workout. They almost were, if not for the current air that surrounded them. ]}

It's okay. I know all about working out your frustrations through a good sparring session. Sometimes it just feels good to hit something.

No - I barely know the guy. I was going there to drop off some books cuz he was hurt and bored.

[ as jim's noticed, talking doesn't come easily to winn, he's not about to open up to just anyone, especially about his biggest fears of himself. he can talk to jim about it because he feels on equal footing with jim, and he can sense jim's affection for him, he knows where he's coming from and what his goal is - or at least he trusts that he does - jim wants to help him. but charles? it's only the second time he's ever spoken to the man and he's given him no reason to trust him. yeah, he talks like he just wants to help, like he cares deeply for winn, but why? they don't even know each other, they're as far from on equal footing as two people can get, and the whole thing just makes him deeply uncomfortable. if he were to agree to therapy it would either be with an actual therapist - someone who can't read his mind but could teach him to talk instead - or with someone he learned to trust completely. he's spent his entire life repressed, learning that that's how he should be, it's not a lesson easily unlearned. ]

I'll have to take your word on that.

[ winn offers his captain a small smile; he never actually managed to land a punch, after all. ]

_{[ Oh, he's noticed. It was very apparent the first time they talked, when he had to spill one of his own secrets and nearly push Winn into a rage to get him to confess what was really going on. It would have been easier getting an emotional response out of Spock. He knew - he had done it before.

Kirk just happens to have more faith in people. His gut told him that Charles meant well, and he wanted to believe that - believe that someone with the power that Charles had would use it for the good and betterment of others. Surely he had not meant to pry into Winn's head? At least not maliciously. It was easy for Kirk to care about someone, so he could understand where Charles need to help came from. But, he supposed for Winn, that same feeling might not be so easy to come by or understand, especially if had been spending most of his life convinced he was a monster waiting to be born.

He reached out and wrapped his arm around him, tugging Win in for a brotherly hug. ]}

I know it's hard for you to open up to people. That you've spent a very long time hiding all of this. I think that's why it's good for you to speak to someone a bit more outside the situation like Charles.

So when you're ready, I think you should contact him again and explain your own feelings on what happened. It'll be a good start for you.

[ it's very easy for winn to understand the need to help other people - he has that same need. he's also very big on believing in people, which is why he came here to work his frustrations out with jim instead of trying to take a swing at charles. but it's very hard for him to let other people do for him what he so willingly and freely does for them, and it's especially hard for him to let someone poke around in his head, which is where he keeps all his most shameful thoughts. he's angry, he's bitter, he's petty, he's jealous, he's anxious, he's scared, he -- doesn't want that to be the part of him anyone sees. he's supposed to be upbeat, fun, and most of all - useful. he's spent his life learning that it was wrong of him to be a bother, to be negative, and his gut is still waiting for something terrible to happen every time he allows himself to lean on someone. he hates the inequality of his relationship with charles, hates how out of control it makes him feel, when he's already out of control just by being in the fleet, hates how afraid it makes him because even if charles will never mean to do him harm -- if he's controlled he could turn winn into the monster he's always been fearing. and that is way too big of a risk to take.

maybe someday he'll learn to properly open up to people, but he doesn't think it'll ever be with someone who can just let himself into his head and help himself to anything he wants. ]

I'll call him.

[ he nods, looking sad. he'll give him another chance to be a friend, but as to talking to him, opening up to him -- that he can't promise. can't he just keep talking to jim? it took him his entire life to find one person he feels comfortable enough talking to that he actually came up to him when he needed the help instead of waiting and hoping that maybe just maybe - he'll notice and maybe just maybe - he'll think to ask just the right questions and keep digging til he hit gold. he's not holding his breath that he'll find another anytime soon. ]

Good.

_{[ He keeps his arm around Winn, the training room oddly quiet when they weren't moving around, grunting and heaving as they fought. Or rather, Kirk put Winn through the paces and tried to both give him a less and help him physically work out his feelings. Still, it felt like a good place to talk for them. ]}

And hey - just because I say you should talk to him doesn't mean you can't keep coming to me, you know? I'm not trying to foist you off on someone else. I just think that having more than one person to talk to will be good for you, is all. It gives a few different perspectives on things, you know?

[ when jim brought him here that first time, winn hated this room but now...now he treasures the time they spend here. some days it's the only part of his day he gets to feel like he can 100% be himself and it would be alright. he appreciates jim's hand around him - he leans lightly into the embrace - just as much as he appreciates his words. ]

It'd be a futile effort anyway, can't get rid of a brother.

[ or well, he can, but joking is always easier for winn than expressing how he feels - how scared he is that one day he really will end up being more trouble than he's worth to jim, or how - he likes jim's perspective, he wants to cling to it because jim's perspective is that he's a good worthwhile man and he doesn't want to open himself up to any other ever again, or - that he just sullenly doesn't want to talk to anyone else about this. it already feels like so many people know, he doesn't want to see or feel pity whenever he interacts with someone, he just wants to be normal, to feel normal.

it really would come in handy if he could talk about it, though. express all those concerns, all those feelings. it's a sweet dream, one he doesn't see ever turning into a reality. ]

Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

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