(no subject)

[killedwithlove]

Who: Cole to everyone
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Pathstone
When: Now


[Cole is actually looking at the camera, which is a minor miracle for those familiar with his habit of leaving his communicator next to him and pointing at the ceiling.]

How do mortals know what you're feeling? Varric used to tell me what it was, or Jove, or Solas, but they're gone and now I don't know what these feelings are. I can tell how to help other people and how to navigate their hurts but I can't do it with my own.

[He gives a small sigh and looks off somewhere. A fluff slug climbs over the communicator screen.]

Comments

[ video ]

[precedented]

They usually try to guess. Some feelings burn hot, others leave you cold.

But it is usually your own feelings that confuse you the most.

[killedwithlove]

Cold.

Empty. But too full of pressure. Words don't say what they have to, they leave my mouth and enter their ear, but they change along the way, like another language.

Even after this time, emotions are still new. Sometimes, they come and I don't know them. I know this. The mages felt this.

[precedented]

[ He hums lightly. Leto gains understanding of his own feelings when they're mirrored through others, though he's become better at it. ]

Words are always imprecise for the depth of emotion. They are malleable, weak things that change skin.

[killedwithlove]

No. Words... Words can cut, shape thought, shape meaning, communicate...

Words build compassion. Empathy. Rage. Wisdom. Shape thoughts. Shape us.

[He knows words are impossibly powerful and powerless at the same time. They could easily be both in his mind. The Fade was like that.]

[precedented]

[ He shrugs loosely. ]

Of course. Because words are all we have, in the end. We have to trust them but they're not always inherently trustworthy.

What kind of shape would you like your feelings to take? Then the words can cement them into being.

[killedwithlove]

I don't understand. I want to... feel happier? Less cold. Less empty. Less...

Alone.

[precedented]

Usually, I find doing things that give you pleasure or contentment eases away the sense of loneliness.

Though I do not think there is a cure for missing people.

[killedwithlove]

I like helping people. I-

[He doesn't know what else he likes, really. He liked listening to stories and people being happy. He likes helping healers.]

I am very bad at painting.

[precedented]

That does not take away your enjoyment for the act. I liked to sing in the languages of old. It made me feel closer to the past.

[ Not that he wasn't close enough, but it took away the fear involved. ]

[killedwithlove]

I don't know that I enjoy it...

Solas liked it. And I liked Solas liking it.

[precedented]

Then perhaps you should live vicariously through other people's feelings.

[killedwithlove]

I don't understand.

[precedented]

You are happy when other people are happy, correct? That means your feelings are related to those around you.

[killedwithlove]

I- am content then.

I don's know their happiness like I know their pains. But I do feel it. It's more removed, I don't live it with them.

[precedented]

[ Leto tilts his head. ]

You do not sound content, judging by your transmission.

[killedwithlove]

Now? No.

I am not often happy. Being content is enough. But I am not. I feel... like I am very alone here. Even when there are people around me.

[precedented]

[ The Bene Gesserit had an old saying. To be human is to be alone. Of course, the Bene Gesserit have never been alone. And their idea of loneliness differs greatly.

But those words are trite and meaningless, especially to Cole. Leto sees little point in sharing them. ]

You are not easily understood. That makes you lonely.

[killedwithlove]

... maybe.

[Not because he doesn't agree. He doesn't know one way or the other, therefore, it might be that. He certainly struggles a lot with trying to get people to understand.]

How do I fix it?

[precedented]

I don't know. I've never solved it myself.

[killedwithlove]

Oh.

[He looks crestfallen.]

Neither did Solas.

[precedented]

[ Well. Solas. ]

There are no easy answers to the cure of loneliness.

[killedwithlove]

Being with other people doesn't help.

Sometimes it makes it worse.

[precedented]

Yes. Because the answer to one's loneliness is unique. What works for myself may not necessarily work for you.

[killedwithlove]

I felt like this in the Pit, but that was because I was alone. Completely.

Now, I know I'm not alone. There are people who care. But I sort of feel like I'm in the Pit again, waiting for Rhys to visit.

[precedented]

So what do you think you need to do to leave the Pit, Cole?