driftfleet | (no subject)

I didn't think you didn't! I just. It's not what I meant, so I didn't think. Uh...

[He runs a hand down his face.]

I just wasn't expecting you to spout off about someone else's sex life, much less the Iron Bull's.

[Sweet maker, how could Dorian even-- Not the time. Get back on track.]

But yes. Like lancing. You don't always know if it'll help or just get infected, but it's better than leaving it to fester, right?

The Iron Bull's room is next to my attic. I hear a lot. Sometimes even with my ears.

[He hums.]

Well... lancing always makes it better. You lance because something's in there.

I don't know if I should sympathize or be glad it's not me.

[He chuckles, leaving out the third option of just being curious.]

But either way, if you look at it like that, talking about those you miss will just help in the long run, right?

... I suppose so.

But it might hurt others to hear.

That's why you ask first. It doesn't hurt others as much if they're ready for it, and it could be a good hurt for them too.

[He hopes he's explaining this well enough, and that Varric would be approving of how Wolfe is handling his spirit son. Even if Varric never actually referred to Cole as such, there were such notes of pride in his letters and the way he'd spoken about him at Skyhold that Hawke just can't help but think of their relationship in those terms.]

He hums and swings his legs.

No one else misses them. They all went together. Well, Cullen went first. Then Jove, Solas and Elly all went at the same time.

Just me left.

And most people don't like Solas, because he's a bit of a jerk to people.

I'm not really his biggest fan either, sorry to say.

[Self-possessed as Solas seemed, with both the unfriendliness of more isolationist Dalish and the audacity to look down on him for his magical knowledge despite being a fellow apostate. It was irritating, but certainly not the focus at the time, considering where they'd been.]

But tell me, what were they like? Cullen I know, but the others? What did you like about them? How did you make friends?

[Sorry Adalwolfe, you're about to experience one of Cole's odder behaviours when he feels stressed or anxious.]

One for sorrow, two for mirth;
Three for a slaughter, four for rebirth.
Five too young and six too old;
Seven a secret, never ever told.

[And he wraps his arms under his thighs, hugging them to his chest.]

Elly wanted to help people. Protect them. Her magic was mute, I could make it sing again, make the healing work. Jove and Solas were close, on the Pathstone, when Fenris scared me, Jove came and sat under Solas's desk with me and hugged me.

[Oh...kay... that's a bit creepifying, but he's going to just let it slide on without comment because he has no idea what to say about it.]

Was Elly a spirit healer? Is that how you helped?

[Anders can still heal, but that doesn't mean that every mage who needs access to the Fade can still get it. Honestly Hawke isn't sure Anders isn't a special case what with Justice.]

And... Fenris can be quite scary. I'm glad Jove came to you comfort.

Not spirit healer. Different world, different rules, but she healed and I can make healing work better. Any healing magic.

[Anders and Cole work together very well for healing magic.]

Do you like Fenris a lot?

[Well now isn't that a complicated question. Adalwolfe blinks at Cole for a long moment, lips pursed, trying to find the words.]

Fenris and I... were not close, in my Thedas. That is likely my fault, but he doesn't make it easy.

[It's such a bullshit answer, even if it's true, that Hawke can't help but sigh at himself and run a hand back through his hair while checking to make sure the video is still a private one.]

He's dead, where I'm from. He sided with Meredith. Fenris here is understandably uncomfortable with that.

[Cole shifts uncomfortably and then leans forward.]

I don't like Fenris. He's cruel, like the templars who hurt Cole. He saw my memories and he thought 'good'. He thinks... because he hurts, no one else ever hurt, he hurt more than anyone ever, he knows the most about hurting and suffering and mages... don't really feel suffering. Because he suffered, so they can't.

[Cole has never told anyone else this sort of detail.]

[Wolfe has never seen it that way. Fenris was a slave in Tevinter, it makes complete sense that he would have negative feelings towards mages. When your entire life is derailed by that one thing, be it mages or Templars or the bloody Darkspawn, it's easy to condemn anything having to do with it. Anders had his single-minded pursual of Circle reform, Fenris had his personal vendetta against magic, Isabela and her mistrust of even the simplest offer of help, Merrill and her attempts to fix that blighted mirror. It just seemed par for the course for so long that they each had their fixations, their prejudices, that he felt he could wait patiently for them each to come around.

Some did, some didn't. Fenris, it turns out, when left to his own devices would blindly throw his support behind anyone who shared his views on mages and magic, even someone so obviously crazy as Meredith. He hadn't wanted to kill Fenris, had even tried to reason with him, but in the end...

That isn't what happened to the Fenris in the fleet, though. He'd sided with his Hawke. That's something.]

I think... I think he needs to see, to understand that his own experiences with magic don't exist in a vacuum. He needs to be brought to see beyond his own pain. It can be hard when you're as, um.

[He doesn't want to say damaged, but it's the only word that seems to fit.]

As mistreated as he was. But it's not a competition, no one's suffering can be drowned out just because other people suffer for opposite reasons. I'm sort of... I don't know, trying to help him see. Though I think Marian might be able to get further than I could, considering.

He needs yes. But won't. He doesn't want to and you can't force understanding. He has to want to be someone who rages less, to let some of his hurt go.

[And Fenris doesn't want to. He may never be ready to. Cole still understands Fenris, still feels what he feels and understands what drives him. He just doesn't like him.]

You can't. He doesn't trust you and once he decides someone can't be trusted, he won't listen to otherwise. It's why he's so terribly lonely and alone. He can't forgive the any slight. Not by others. Not by himself.

It isn't about you. It's about Fenris. And only Fenris can change that.

No, you can't force it, but it doesn't come without no pushing either. If left to decide for himself, with no outside influence, he won't seek understanding out. I know some people can't be shown reason but I can't give up either.

[He knows it's an uphill battle, Sisyphus pushing the boulder if he had that story to parallel, but Marian sees something in him, and another version of them did as well. Enough that Fenris followed him against Meredith.]

He and Marian are together. I think. That should count for something, her being a mage. It's a start. And he told me he'd try. We've talked a little.

[He lets out a heavy sigh. Yes, it's about Fenris, and only Fenris can change it, but it's about him too. It's about his failure to speak up in Kirkwall to people he didn't think would listen. He didn't try. He has to at least try.]

I'm sorry Cole, I know this is probably not what you want to hear. I'm not his biggest fan either but I can't be someone who doesn't make an attempt. If you let those prejudices alone, they keep spreading, and we end up with situations like the modern Chantry.

Dorian and Fenris had sex a lot and said 'amatus', but Fenris was still glad Cole died in the pit, one less mage.

He hates me more because I'm a demon. That somehow, me killing people is worse than anyone else doing it.

No. The Chantry comes because people who do know better don't stand up to those like Fenris and Lambert. They let it happen. All that is needed to cruelty to thrive is good people to do nothing.

Well he's wrong, you're not a demon, but part of standing up to that is changing minds, Cole. People aren't--

[He intended to continue, explain where he's coming from about fighting the good fight, but what Cole said catches up with his brain and causes a massive hiccup.]

Fenris and Dorian?

[Cole nods.]

Yes. Dorian didn't talk to me much here and I couldn't see him, because Fenris was there a lot. He wasn't my Dorian. From my world. No one else here is from my world. Not even Marian. And my world had a Marian.

A Tevinter mage, and Fenris...

[What a hypocrite. But he doesn't say it. Still, his expression sort of does for him even if he's not sure he has any right to judge considering he's still carrying on with the wanted fugitive who destroyed a chantry, as complex an issue as that is.

Maybe it was hate sex? Who knows.]

I'm sorry no one here is from your version of Thedas. That's an upsetting situation to be in.

[Familiar faces with no recollections? That was him when he'd first arrived. He hated it too.]

Dorian's not like other Tevinter mages. Not really.

But in other ways...

[He trails off. Dorian is stained by Tevinter, just like Fenris. Like Krem.]

It was lonely at first. Varric didn't know me at all, he was from before we met. Solas knew me, even though we came from different worlds. Not Jove's world but don't tell her anyway.

In my world, Dorian and The Iron Bull had sex a lot. Krem laughed at them, bright, sparkle of amusement.

Huh. The Iron Bull in mine was with the Inquisitor. Which, frankly, brings up all kinds of logistical questions but that's neither here nor there. It's just that the differences are interesting, if a bit alienating.

[He lets out a breath, skipping over the pang it gives him to again hear how he'd missed Varric. They'd barely had time to have more than one proper conversation before he was off from Adamant. Story of his life.]

What do you mean, don't tell Jove. Did she not know?

Was your Inquisitor a dwarf too?

[It gets complicated in his head, all the different realities crashing and weaving and knotting up, memories and impressions from everywhere and everyone at once.]

I- can't tell. I said too much. I'm sorry.

[He sounds uncomfortable about that.]

No, an elf. He was - is - a good sort, I think. I wish I were half as confident.

[He smirks a little, wryly acknowledging at least to himself that he comes off as confident much of the time but the difference is he knows he's just putting on a terribly effective show. Gianni Lavellan seemed to actually be comfortable in who he was and what he was. It's a rare thing, not to second guess, especially when you command what could be the biggest army in Southern Thedas.

What Cole can't say he doesn't even ask. He's not going to push and it doesn't seem to matter too much out of context. He's more intent on keeping Cole talking. Hopefully the spirit can reap a benefit from seeing he has someone willing to listen.]

It's alright. Why don't you tell me about your Inquisitor. A dwarf, hm?

Lavellan.

Jove was a Lavellan.

My Inquisitor? Um, Nadezhda Cadash, she was Casteless, she had tattoos all over her face and sides of her head were shaved and she had a huge smile. She used a sword and shield and used to use her Mark to read at night without having to light a torch.

She thought the night sky was better than anything underground.

Lavellan was Gianni's surname as well. Your Inquisitor sounds lovely too, though. And practical.

[He chuckles a bit.]

Surface Dwarf, I take it? All the ones from Orzammar I've ever met seem afraid they'll float away.

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