driftfleet | though it hurts to breathe

Entry tags:

though it hurts to breathe

Who: Raven, Hank, Charles and Erik
Broadcast: No
Action: On the Heron
When: Now onwards!

[ It had taken her a little while to calm down with Hank at her side, long enough that she's practically itching to make her way over to the Heron as soon as she can, device in her hand - the temptation to text ahead, to make sure they're really there, that they're okay, is almost a little too daunting and there's not much Raven can do other than force herself to stop. She's stronger than this, true, but coming out of the other side of something as horrendous as Apocalypse and standing tall, waking up on the Fleet, trying to figure out if she can handle it all again - it's too much.

The only thoughts in her mind are that she needs to find Charles, she needs to find Erik, and she needs to make sure they're alive, that they're safe, that they're here. This is going to be impossibly difficult for all four of them, Hank at her side, but they could work through it. They beat an all powerful mutant 'God', they came together as a family and they worked, hard, to make sure they all came out alive the other side.

What was the Fleet after all that?

It doesn't take her long to break away from Hank into a practical run as she reaches the Heron, a flash as she makes her way down the hall to find the other two mutants. Erik is important in her mind, of course, but her first instinct is to call out for Charles, standing outside the door and pressing her fingers against it, afraid for a moment that he won't answer, that he won't be there. The fear grips her, and her hands shake, but she does it anyway, knocking and calling for her brother.

After that, later... Well, she has to take time to calm down. Once she's sure Charles is safe, that Erik is safe, she can actually move to relax herself, the weight on her shoulders fading away. It takes time, but it happens, slowly... But she doesn't leave. She doesn't feel like she can leave either of them, and she wonders how they're going to handle that. ]

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[he's only a moment behind Raven, but when the door opens he simply steps back, to lean against the wall and wait. The rising panic and concern he felt as they landed the shuttle is placated when Charles is the one to answer the door. And he can see Erik in the background and it's more than enough for now, to settle back and let Raven and Charles have as long as they need, uninterrupted]

[ Once the moment between her and Charles is done with - and it had been a moment, panic and terror and relief and fear all rolled into a ball of explosive emotions, the two of them practically magnetised and drawn to each other with the rest of the world being ignored - she knows that she's soothed and she's ready. She's checked on Charles, she's found Erik, she knows they're safe and they know, and it means there's only one hurdle left to overcome.

When she's finally gotten to the point where she feels that she can step away from Charles for a moment, Raven moves away and goes back to Hank, stepping over and motioning for him to join her outside. It reminds her of when Charles and Erik were wounded on the Iskaulit, and it's almost fond before she shakes herself and brings her mind back to the present. ]

I'm going to be staying here for a while. Will you...?

[he nods and follows her out without a word, and habit has him shutting the door behind him, just out of habit. To afford them some privacy while giving some to Erik and Charles as well, because surely they -

No, he isn't sure.

But he shoves his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunching a little out of habit. With the panicked feelings faded, he's exhausted, all the way to his bones. He feels like he could sleep for a week and yet he knows the moment he closes his eyes again, all he'll see is a destroyed city]

I'm staying. [if he leaves, it'll only be for a few minutes at most, and he doubts there's much that will take him off the ship. Now that he knows they're fine it's almost automatic, to just fall right back into standing watch in front of the door. He nods to where he was standing earlier] I don't really plan on going anywhere.

[ Raven isn't sure what is going to happen between Charles and Erik now. Ten years might have been hard for her and Hank, but neither of them had a long term relationship in that time - neither of them had been married, or had children. Erik had found happiness, without Charles, and had it ripped away from him in the most vicious and cruel manner possible.

Whatever was going to happen between the two of them was for them to figure out. It wasn't her business to go and stick her nose into it, no matter how much she cared for the both of them. Her own words still ring in her ears, memories sharp and sure, heavy around her shoulders. I know you think you've lost everything, but you haven't. You have me, you have Charles...

It's definitely too much for her to think about right now.

Instead, she moves to hover near Hank, not sure of her place anymore. Decade old instinct has her wanting to wrap her arms around him and leave kisses on his skin, but - that was so long ago, and she's just not sure what she ought to do. All she can do is stand, awkward, uncertain and voiceless for a moment. ]

Me neither. This is where I... We need to be. We need to be together right now.

[ Hesitating, she turns her head to look at him. ]

We should probably talk.

[it's odd, how they're weeks from everything that happened and yet they're going through the motions again, staying close out of a deep, familial necessity. Logically, he knows everyone's fine - as fine as they were going to be, and yet his heart tells him otherwise, practically screaming that he has to keep everyone in his sight lest his worst fears are realized.

It makes him tense and incredibly on edge, and for a moment he debates overwhelming the serum to make it go away. He knows nothing is going to happen and yet that isn't enough anymore. Not when it's still all so fresh and mixed with what was. It's different from after the incident with Winter, more raw, a deeper, wider wound.

He breathes out and looks at her, letting his thoughts steer towards her instead, finally. Part of him doesn't want to talk. Another part of him doesn't think they have to. As she steps closer he turns towards her, as if it's natural - and in a way it is. To turn and welcome whatever affections she wants to give him.

Nothing comes, but he isn't surprised. He isn't sure if he can do it, either]

I know. I don't disagree.

[he watches her carefully before one shoulder lifts and falls, barely a shrug]

We can, if you want. [maybe talking now would be best, with them so emotionally drained that nothing can make it worse. Maybe it'd make it better instead]

[ It would probably be nice, Raven thinks, to focus entirely on Charles and Erik and their problems in order to ignore her own, to pretend that she and Hank don't need to discuss the changes they've undergone in such a short time. It's a huge problem for the two of them, but for the rest of the fleet... How long has it been? It's not as if they look any different, thanks to her mutation, and time hasn't really had the effect on her that it might have done if she was human. She looks the same, but everything inside of her is different.

Her arms cross over her chest, and she resists the urge to shift and move closer, but also to move away. She doesn't want distance between herself and Hank, but it's hard to rationalise the fact that she both wants to be close to him and in his arms and miles away at the same time. Waking up beside him had been hard enough, especially with the intensity and the fear, but now she feels small, and foolish, and oddly out of place.

Perhaps one of the worst parts is that she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what words are the right words to make this all better, and she's not good with them in the way that Charles could be, sometimes, or how Hank had been on the lawn at the mansion. He had made her aware of the power she held, but she had been to ashamed and too afraid to accept it at the time.

Breathing out, she frowns before her hands lift to rub at her eyes. She might have been asleep for who knows how long but she's completely and utterly exhausted - drained, as if she was in the ruins of Cairo again, waiting for the end to come, losing all her hope despite everything she had given.

Finally, her eyes turn back to Hank and she frowns, expression fallen. ]

Don't you think we should? Do you want to? [ Maybe he doesn't. Maybe ten years was too long, and this is it - she had missed it completely. She had promised to come home, but it had been far, far longer than she had ever imagined, and suddenly it feels like her heart is in her throat, even as she tames her expression and keeps it neutral. ] We don't have to.

[he doesn't have to look in a mirror to know that nothing has changed, nothing worth noting. Like ten years hasn't passed at all, and all he did was decide to style his hair another way. At least, on the outside nothing had changed. As he frees a hand from his pocket to rub at the side of his neck, he can still feel the scar there, from what felt like a lifetime ago now.

But ten years has given him a different perspective, a greater ease at speaking - though the difficulty when it came to voicing his own wants was still there, as terrible as always. It hadn't been a concern in a long time, because it hadn't mattered. Raven was who knows where and while he thought about her every day, wanting her to come home had changed from heartache to a distant pang.

Maybe that's why it's easier to remember their old promises, whispered in the privacy of their room. Maybe that's why he feels like they don't have to talk about it, at least not for his sake. It hasn't changed, and he kept one of those promises as fiercely as they'd made it to one another. He'd fought for her, just like he said he would.

Her expression falls and already he knows he said the wrong thing, but it's not a panicked fear anymore - he's too wrung out for it to take its usual hold. Instead, the hand at his neck drops for a moment, before he holds it out to her, head tilted to look at her]

I don't think we have to. [he may as well be honest about it, and if there's a little bit of hope in his voice, well. He knows how he feels, amidst all the complicated feelings. But he doesn't know how she feels. If maybe she'd found someone else, in the time she'd been away.

It's a gamble to assume. It's a gamble to state something so plainly. But he's certain in his heart] Nothing's changed for me. I told you - I promised you it wouldn't, and I meant it. And I kept one of our promises already.

So if you want to talk . . . [a shrug, again] We can talk.

[ Raven had been preparing herself for something like rejection, some kind of dismissal - as if the years hadn't been as kind to their emotions as she'd hoped and that, maybe, Hank had found someone else. He was a teacher now, after all, and probably second only to Charles. She can imagine the students thinking he's hot and when they graduated - or if there were older, more mature students... Maybe he could have fallen in love with someone else. It wasn't entirely impossible; he'd fallen in love with her, once.

It would be easy to assume that nothing had changed, that their hearts hadn't - because hers hadn't. For the last ten years Hank has been in the back of her mind as a constant reminder of all the things she might be able to have, if she went home one day, and she had been tempted so many times - she can remember it now. Ten years of waiting for the right time to go back, to see if she could make a place for herself in Charles' new world, and it had taken the literal Apocalypse to make her capable of being able to step through the doors again.

When Hank speaks, it's almost too hard to look at him; she doesn't want to turn her head to him and feel as though the wind is going to be swept out from under her. She's already so tired, so desperately exhausted, and the idea of somehow losing him while gaining a family... It's as if she has to choose between two extremes. She just doesn't think she's lucky enough to be able to have it all - she doesn't deserve it.

Hank holds out his hand, and all Raven can do is stare. ]

Hank - [ But she stops, not wanting to interrupt him. He goes on, and on, and she feels a sudden well of hope build inside of her, wide eyes searching his face, uncertain of what she's looking for - but when she finds it she knows. It's his determination, and it's as if she's wrapped up in something warm and incredible, and when she moves closer her hand finds his without her even thinking about it. It just feels right, and she knows her cheeks must be flaring red - there's no blue skin to hide it now. ]

Oh. [ He'd kept all their promises, and so had she, and both of them were uncertain about the other. It's silly, really, and a little unfair on both their parts, but Raven moves closer, lifting her free hand to let her fingers graze against his cheek. There's nothing she can do but stare at him for a moment before she smiles, expression softening into something warm and open - there's no more doubt, no more fear, no more uncertainty. Ten years was long enough - she never wants to be apart from him again. ]

I kept mine, too. All those years and I never even looked at anyone - I didn't want anyone else.

[ Shaking her head, she leans up, drawing him close. ]

Maybe we don't need to.

[ And then she's kissing him, because there's nothing in the world she wants more right now. ]

[a part of him has to marvel that he said the right words, that they didn't come out stuttered and uncertain, but quiet and sure. Unlike after Cuba, he hadn't bothered to rehearse what he would say when she came home. Then again, he hadn't expected another ten years to pass, but - it doesn't matter now. It still hurts a little, and he doesn't know when that will go away, but he'll bare the pain knowing that she's home. That she did come back home, and that she was here now, and -

Nothing had changed.

This is what he had pictured, whenever he imagined the moment she finally came home. Her hand finding his, his fingers curling tightly around hers - easily going with her pull to lean in and kiss her back. They say longing makes the heart grow fonder and he could only think how painfully true that was.

He'd taken a gamble and he'd been right, and this is what they hadn't managed yet back home. This hadn't fallen into their routine, and yet here it made perfect sense. His hand grips hers and his free one comes up to cup her cheek, and he kisses her with a warmth he forces out of the darkness. He could give a damn that it's in the middle of the Heron's hallway, that Erik or Charles could walk out at any moment, that someone else could catch them - he just doesn't care.

He waited ten long, patient years for this]

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